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Am I ruining my relationship by being so insecure?

Tagged as: Dating, Teenage<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (22 January 2013) 3 Answers - (Newest, 23 January 2013)
A female United Kingdom age 18-21, anonymous writes:

Dear Cupid

Am I ruining my relationship by being so insecure?

So I feel I have finally found the one I want to be with for the rest of my life, I know he loves me more than anything and I love him more than anything too.

The last few months have been stressful for us both but we've both been there for each other.

The problem I have is that I am incredibly insecure and I keep thinking he will do something to hurt me.

I know he's not that sort of guy at all. But because of previous relationships and problems in the past it's made me be wary of everyone.

He knows I feel like this and he says he's always there for me if I need to talk about it. But I feel like a horrible girlfriend for feeling like this.

How can I get these feelings to go away?

I love this guy! :(

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (23 January 2013):

Don't beat yourself up, it doesn't make you a horrible person. You need to talk to someone about how you feel because it sounds like you have got a great guy.

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A female reader, Dorothy Dix Australia +, writes (22 January 2013):

Hi there. There is always a natural tendency to remember the past and believe that history may repeat itself.

And this can scare the heck out of us, no doubt.

As you are still very young - 16-17 years old - this is probably about your 3rd or 4th relationship, and so with each new relationship, you have some lingering doubts that what happened before, will happen again.

In the very first few romantic relationships of life, you are still learning how to be in a romantic relationship, and what is expected of it, and of you.

Most problems in romantic relationships, can occur because there seems to be a fear of talking about what is bothering someone.

The thinking seems to go that if you start talking about what is bothering you, that it will mean an automatic breakup.

This couldn't be further from the truth.

So what I am really talking about here, is good clear communication.

It seems that he has done nothing wrong towards you, and so there is no need to fear that something will happen.

With each new relationship you go into, once you start to really like or love the guy, well then your fears begin to come up - from what happened in past relationships.

There is no need to feel that way at all.

All men are NOT the same. They are all different.

It would be much wiser for you to focus your thoughts on how happy he makes you feel when you are together, and what nice times you have together.

It's what they call the Law of Attraction.

To explain that simply, it means that when you have a fear and that's all you can think about, well then you can make it become a reality.

I think, therefore I am.

And what then happens when you have a fear of something like a breakup, is you then become tense and you can't seem to relax, and it of course, shows in your behaviour as well.

Insecurity can be very destructive in any relationship.

I think you can already see this for yourself, because it clearly makes you very unhappy.

And it's also possible, that your greatest fears of losing him are when you are NOT together, would that be right?

Perhaps after your very first relationship breakup, you started having these feelings of insecurity with your second and following relationships, and more so with each one.

History doesn't always repeat itself.

And after a relationship breakup, it is very easy to dwell on thoughts of - "Where did I go wrong?"

You didn't go wrong anywhere.

In fact, you could really put it down to the learning curve of being in romantic relationships.

With each relationship, we learn something about both ourselves, and about relationships and how they work.

So don't go thinking there must be something wrong with you, because that just isn't true.

We go throughout our whole life learning, and relationships is one of those lessons.

You are most likely doing everything RIGHT in this relationship, and just as long as you treat each other with respect and dignity at all times, and are considerate of each other's feelings, well then you can't do anything more than that.

And you probably DO make each other feel special by all the little things you do, as well.

So from now on, whether you are with him at the time or not, just keep your thoughts focussed ONLY on what great times you have together and how happy he makes you feel.

PLUS, how happy he seems in your company.

When someone is happy when they are with us, that's a pretty good sign, that they really DO want to be there, don't you think?

Happiness is an excellent indicator of that.

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A male reader, CMMP United States + , writes (22 January 2013):

Yes, you can hurt your relationship from being too insecure. I've seen it happen in friends relationships a number of times.

I'm not sure how to help you get over those feelings, but it might help to remind yourself that being afraid of losing someone is VERY common after you've been hurt. It's a learned response (sort of like not touching the stove after you burn yourself).

That doesn't mean that you will burn yourself if you use the stove, it just means you have to be careful. I've NEVER burnt myself because I'm always careful.

If you've chosen your boyfriend wisely then you've been careful as well. Treat him well, build on your love instead of taking it for granted and letting it float away. Do nice things for him like give him a massage, or get him little gifts. Things that make him feel special will make him realize that YOU are special. When you have a strong bond with someone trust naturally follows. If he's not a cheater or heart breaker by nature and you treat him well there's no reason why he'll become a cheater.

I'm not trying to burst your bubble, but it's important to remember that you are very young and that while you may feel like he's "The One" (and it's certainly possible even at your age that he is), the chances are that he's probably not. So if the time comes and the two of you part ways, it won't be the end of the world, because there are 3,000,000,000 other guys in the world and plenty of them are "The One" in waiting. I'm telling you this so that you don't feel that losing him is something you could never recover from because that's simply not the case.

Think of your relationship as you would a job. If you have a job that you feel secure at and you really enjoy, and you are confident in yourself, you probably wont be constantly worrying about losing it. There's no reason to think you will because business is going great and they like you and if they did lay you off, there are other jobs out there for you. Some may even pay better!

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