A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I split with my ex of 9 years 16 months ago. It was, as far as it can be, amicable and fortunately there were no other people involved, nor did we have kids. My ex bought me out of our house and I have my own flat and she has, just last week, sold our former home and bought a new place in the same area.I do not plan on socialising with my ex - we're not staying friends in that sort of way - but obviously be perfectly happy to chat should we bump into each other and we have mutual friends. Things went on in the relationship that I have not told any of our friends or my parents about because it's not relevant to them and I don't gossip or bitch, but it had been going downhill for years and while I tried to salvage it, she simply didn't and as a result I ended up with depression.I got a text from her last night to give me her new address and she told me that my parents had sent her a new home card, that she'd been on the phone to them and as a result, once back from holiday, my parents are going to visit her.I want to know if I have the right to feel pissed off about this. In the last 16 months, my parents have made no contact with my ex nor vice versa. In fact, a few weeks ago, I had to go round to retrieve some belongings of my parents that they loaned her while we were still together - my ex had made no attempt to return them.Now, while my ex and I are amicable, I see no need for my parents to suddenly start socialising with her. Obviously they don't know what went on within our relationship and I don't particularly want to tell them. However, I think it extremely disrespectful to me to want to continue a friendship/relationship with my ex. If there were kids involved, I would not only understand it but expect it.I don't plan on having this out with my parents, although I will ensure they know that I know, but I just want to know if I am justified in feeling pissed off about this.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 September 2011): Every relationship exists on its own merits. Therefore, you have no reason to interfere or be pissed about anything. Your ex can have a relationship with your parents and vice versa if they are OK with it. THere is no need for them to know anything between you two unless it would directly impact their relationship with her (like if she was a kleptomaniac and went to their place to steal stuff to support a drug addiction or somehthng like that).
My Mom is still friends with my ex wife even thought my ex hates me. I dont interfere, although I know my Mom doesnt get teh whole picture and gets her side of a lot of things to my detriment. I also think my Mom has ulterior motives too and is maintaining this relationship with my ex to see our son more.
A
male
reader, idoneitagain  +, writes (13 September 2011):
You had a 9 year relationship, so presumably your parents formed their own relationship with your partner over a similar amount of time, and would have started to view her as part of the family. When your relationship breaks down, theirs might not have any reason too. Sometimes these relationships are strong, sometimes not very, but there can be a connection there, that your parents want to honour in this case.
It is not for you to say who your parents should or shouldn't be close to. Your separation has nothing to do with their connection with her, they have their own individual relationships. I know you may feel that they should not have any contact with her out of allegiance to you, but in reality there is no basis for this feeling if you are experiencing it. It is a kind of jealousy that has no basis for justification, like a child who is angry with his friends for being allowed to have an ice cream when he is not allowed one. They are all adults and can have friendships with whoever they want, it is not for you to say they can't be friends simply because your ex and you can't be friends. They can still love you, and be on your side, and be in contact with her.
If you are concerned that your parents might find out information that you don't want them to find out, it is worth asking yourself why you should have anything to hide, especially if it is the truth. I am not saying you feel this way, it is just a possibility.
As far as your feelings of being upset are concerned, feelings do not have to be justified, if you feel a certain way, you are entitled to feel a certain way, that is your true experience. Whether or not there is a good reason behind the feeling is another matter, and it is that reason which will determine whether your parents should take your feeling into account in determining whether they should see your ex or not. You may not be aware why it is you feel so pissed, the reasons underneath the feeling may be complex. Take your time to understand exactly what is behind the feeling, and if the reasons will make a difference to your parents, you might need to speak to them to resolve this. You don't want to resent your parents over this, if they don't understand your feelings.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (12 September 2011):
 I don't think you have a right to be pissed.
My father has a relationship with my ex husband and his wife (we share grown children together so that's why)
I have a relationship iwth my soon to be ex husband's parents... I still call his mother MOM....
just because YOU don't wish to have a relationship with your ex does not mean your parents can't have one. She was your partner for nearly a decade... you don't just shut off feelings for someone because your family tells you they are no longer part of their life.....
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 September 2011): I think I'd be seriously cheesed off if my parents wanted to keep up a relationship with my ex if there are no kids involved. Nothing is rarely wholly amicable and it would perhaps have been appropriate for your parents to ask how you felt about it before going off and arranging a visit with your ex. I think their first loyalty is to you and not her, and if it makes you uncomfortable, I think the right thing is for them not to see her. It is the past.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (12 September 2011):
 Don't be pissed at her or your parents. If they want to hang out let them, I highly doubt it will last.
I think it's just some grown people trying to be civilized.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (12 September 2011): Marieclaire - OP here. I have no problem with them sending her a card. It's the fact that they are going out of their way to VISIT her that's annoyed me.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 September 2011): I'm not sure that I quite agree with the comments so far. It would be fine, I think, for your parents to send her a card. But to "suddenly" arrange to visit her home after no real contact with her since your split...well, at best it is kind of naive behaviour. From what I can gather, though, it seems that you might be thinking that this one visit is just the 'tip of the iceberg' ie. it is not so much the visit in itself, or their arranging it, but possibly what it might lead to in future that is making you feel hurt - there is a way in which it suggests that it has set a precedent for future behaviour and it does seem that the visit was arranged without consulting you first, which I personally would find upsetting. As a parent myself I would never do this, I would always consult with my child (even if they are a grown up) before seeing their ex. Also, having been on the receiving end of much worse kind of behaviour from my own parent (Mum) after I divorced my husband (who was treating me and my daughter like dirt) I can understand that you may be feeling a bit "betrayed". It also seems like you feel you made much more effort in the relationship than your ex did, and you came out losing in the sense that you became depressed about it. Maybe you were trying to be strong and hold everything together by not mentioning this side of things to your parents - could be that, if they knew more about it all, they would be more careful about their own actions.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (12 September 2011): OP here - 9 years and we were never married, but point taken!
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A
female
reader, chickpea2011 +, writes (12 September 2011):
 Hi,
Only you and your ex know the reason why both of you end up on divorce. I know that doesn't make sense that your parents, and your ex need to be in contact at all. But, I think in your parents eyes, they are just being respectful to her, after all you've been together for 20 years, that's a very long time. They don't know the truth, so they don't have any reasons to hate her, avoid her, or end contact at all. I understand how you feel, you have the right to feel this way, but don't be angry at your parents. They don't know...
Good luck
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