A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My older brother and I have been sexually active with each other for some years now. I know this started as him abusing me but I no longer see it that way and I think I might be falling in love with him. He is 4 years older then me and started uni 2 years ago and I miss him so much, I cry myself to sleep just thinking about him. I feel so stupid sometimes, how can I possibly love him after what he has done to me in the past.He used to hurt me so much that at some point I think I just gave in. Reply to this Question
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male
reader, Kess +, writes (6 April 2018):
My life has been weird, painful and a learning experience. Although nobody should have to learn what i have learnt. My son is 4 years old and he is my life, my hope and my memory. He is cheeky, disruptive, sad, happy and annoying and that is the first hour of each day. His name is David, name him after a guy who defeated a giant. Not that i'm a religious person, i close the name then thought of the story. Kess was my second choice but Laura said it was old fashioned. Laura is my wife, 6 years. We are thinking about a second child but i hesitate because of my pass. Brothers, still love mine but it is difficult at times. He has never met his nephew, his lost but it hurts me a little. My secrets, my lies and my acceptance kept all the people who loved me at a distance. When the truth came out everybody finally knew me and forgave me for my behaviour BUT if they had only known. If they had only known, same as turning a blind eye. I have heard comments from relatives that really annoy me. I have heard people blaming my parents. "How could they not know". Well brothers have secrets and tell nobody on pain of death, this was mine. My Parents never hurt me but my brother did, to me he was in control because they never questioned him. He was my live growing up, always there and always protecting me from others. He just could not protect me from himself [Mod note: this is the last post on this thread. Under current guidelines it would not have been posted as it describes a crime. We wish the OP continued healing and encourage him to continue to see qualified counselors for help. Many aunts offered links here. Best wishes]
A
female
reader, Abella  +, writes (10 December 2011):
 You do need support and assistance to help you realise that you have been abused by your brother.
"All truth passes through three stages. First it is ridiculed, Second it is violently opposed. Third it is accepted as self-evident."
Arthur Schopenhauer
(1788-1860)
Please try these support lines below. You can contact them online. You will heal over time. But you do need very good support. your reactions to what your brother did to you are very very normal.
http://www.samaritans.org/
http://www.rainn.org/
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male
reader, Kessianus +, writes (10 December 2011):
I have seen my brother a couple of times. My parents were present so my anger was kept in check. I do not hate him, i just do not want to be alone with him. Even now i do not hate him.
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male
reader, Kess +, writes (23 December 2009):
Christmas is a lousy time. A lot of memories are painful even the happy ones because i know they will not come again. My parents have been great but i know they miss him. They never saw the side of him which i suffered with. Nothing i say will change that the pictures they have of him in their heads will not go away. He really has done a lot of damage hasn't he.
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reader, Kess +, writes (22 December 2009):
I think this is something i have not already posted and maybe it will let you better understand me. I wrote this as if it was happeniong to some one else hope you can understand it.
Then the accidents started, first the severed finger which required surgery to be stitched back on. Then the garden fork through his foot. Then there was the severe gash to his arm through breaking a mirror. Then at 11 knock himself unconcious while conquering, throwing a brick upto to a tree to get conkers which rebounded hitting him in the head. If it wasnt for Shaun being there the mirror and the brick could have resulted in his death. Then theres the fighting almost everyweek he would come home at some point with marks to his face and bruises. He was 10 or 11 when the accidents seemed to stop, his parents put this down to Shaun staying near Nathan and never really letting him out of his sight. They beleive the brick incident had scared Shaun a lot more then he was letting on as he had witness it. Everywere after that incident they were together. John and Sarah thought it was wonderful they were constantly worrying about Nathan then everything seem to fall into place. Even though Shaun was 4 years older then Nathan they did everything together homework, which is probably why Nathan is ahead in his class. Games, the park, swimming everything. They each had their own small group of friends in school but mostly stay together it was very rare they would go their seperate ways.
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reader, Kess +, writes (22 December 2009):
Been a while, I am still at home and still in school. I lied to you all dont know why it is something i did. Umiversity is still 2 years away. Maybe i thought i would end this on a good note. Still seeing my counsellor and no i havn't seen my brother. I still feel like sometimes i would like too, but dont pursue those feelings anymore. Get on alot better with my parents and we talk a lot more. Not about my brother but about things in general. Still have not told them everything, maybe there are some things left unsaid until they ask. My counsellor, i did say i felt good about him well i was right he is great and i feel like he is my best friend and not just because he is my counsellor. Do i love my brother, yes i do because he is my brother and for no other reason. One day i would like to tell him that to his face.
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reader, Kess +, writes (9 November 2009):
Been a while but i have agreed to meet with my therapist and my brother. I have expressed so many emotions lately that i need to tell him how i feel.
I have want i think is a good job paying 16k a year but i still qave an issue in that i think i am always second best.
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female
reader, birchybabe15 +, writes (2 July 2009):
 Your brother has been abusing you babe. You should miss him but only in a way you miss your friends. You should take a few months to decide what you want from life and work to make yourself the person you want to be. Once your heads clear see how you feel because you may have completely different opions on him then x x
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 July 2009): I dont know my feelings, sometimes they seem ok but most of the time they are mixed
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 July 2009): Thks, been a while. i left home regardless of my brother. My parents were not happy but they arew supporting me through university.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (24 March 2009): I have a question to post, someone earlier mentioned wether my sexual orientation would have been different if not for my brothers influence. People will say it has not been long enough to sort myself out. Yes that question still bothers me but the same questions bother any teenager in the world who asks this of himself or herself. I am not attracted to my brother and i am beginning realise that any such attraction was force upon me. I do realise that my attractions to others lads will make people think twice about me, but then they can think twice i dont need too.
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 March 2009): Ok i got with this lad from school but afterwards he sort of freaked out, making me promise not to tell, totally okay by me, but is that what i can expect, he wasnt that great anyway so no problem there. What can i expect from people i really like. There is this one lad i like a lot and he seems to be reacting to me, but getting a definite seems to be taking a while. We have kissed but in my book thats not comfirmation, it just means he curious but the kissing is really good so i am not going push anything with him and besides i like him a lot. I like his hugs and kisses more then i think of what else could happen between us and it feels good when he just holds me like he is protecting me from anything that could possibly hurt me. He doesnt even have to speak his touch is comforting and his eyes, if i never see heaven i wont be disappointed
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reader, Kess +, writes (19 March 2009):
I am so confused. there is a lad i like and he is friendly almost to the point i would kiss him. I would love to kiss him but he seems scared.
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reader, Kess +, writes (19 March 2009):
i think i am sick, i miss wants happening to me, my brother just carries on, i think i am gay
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reader, Kess +, writes (19 March 2009):
No, I am not to blame. Just read what I wrote and it is not my fault. Guilt is evil and I am not an evil person. All I want to do is say hi to my brother. I have no feelings for him. IS that wrong.
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reader, Kess +, writes (19 March 2009):
Sometimes my brother was just that a brother, a person i could talk too. It gets so cofusing at times, I have this space that i think needs to be filled but the only people i talk to are strangers. I would love to have a brother i could talk to but that is not going to happen any time soon. My parents stiill speak to him and i know he is getting help, but i am jusdt as much to blame, i liked the attention and i never said no.
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 March 2009): It's o.k. to miss your brother. He will always be a part of your life...it's just that you should let your therapist know so he can think of the best way how it should be done. Right now may not be the best time, but it will happen someday. Are you involved in any sports or school clubs? It's a great way to meet people that have the same interests as you. It's fun too, but it's just a thought.
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reader, Kess +, writes (19 March 2009):
Sometimes my brother was just that a brother, a person i could talk too. It gets so cofusing at times, I have this space that i think needs to be filled but the only people i talk to are strangers.
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reader, Kess +, writes (17 March 2009):
I miss my brother, he was always there and now i have empty space if you know what i mean. I find it hard to occupy myself sometimes. I think i miss the abuse, i am not sure. Sometimes i feel i just want to talk to him as a brother but i'm not sure what that is. I want to tell him things, i miss him. Sometimes i feel he needs to be here
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reader, Kess +, writes (15 March 2009):
I know i am no longer posting everyday, which probably means i have less occupying my mind. I need to convince people that i know what i am doing. My father in particular, i want to stop on at school, he seems to think i should get a job. Sorry but that's not what i want to do. My grades are well above normal but even i wouldnt say excellent because i am being realistic and listening to my teachers. They all reccomend uni but my father seems to think i should just get a job. He did let slip that he wants to keep an eye on me and make sure that i am alright. Guess if i am at uni he cant do that. I love him to bits, i know i am not secure in regards to my emotions that is one thing i have become to realise and i think that frightens him. One way or another i have to go my own way but like i said earlier there are no longer any secrets. i have to trust myself.
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reader, Kess +, writes (10 March 2009):
Mum's over the moon that i want to stop on at school. Dad basically said okay like he doesnt have faith in me. I know its another 2 years of them looking after me. Dont know why i worded that sentence that way thought about changing it. Maybe i think i have become more trouble then i am worth, feel like it sometimes. I know my parents are in contact with my brother and keep it to themselves but sometimes i feel i would like to talk to him. Honestly i want to know he's okay. My imagination runs wild sometimes and i dread the thought of my brother harming himself. I worry about him.
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 March 2009): Just reread my last entry and i think that is the first time i have said what i want. Guess i am starting to think for myself but of course i will have to discuss it with my parents it just that i feel i am such a burden at times and asking for somthing makes me feel even more guilty.
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 March 2009): Think some of my post have got mixed up. Seem out of order or maybe its just me. Anyway i dont have to sit my exams until summer vacation which is a total change of subject i know. Guess my parents have been speaking to people but i am actually glad they didnt involve me because i think i would have panicked. I dont want strangers knowing my situation. I have decided i want to stay on at school if possible and then university.
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reader, Kess +, writes (2 March 2009):
Am going back to sleep, maybe the drugs have worn a little but i have just realise i dont even know what day it is. I just want to sleep and sleep and sleep.
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reader, Kess +, writes (2 March 2009):
Excuse me , it not good when i think too much. Dont know quite how to express myself. Tears while typing could be an indication but i dont know who i cry for anymore.
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reader, Kess +, writes (2 March 2009):
I love my parents, even though i think they hate themselves. I love them, i dont know how i can express it more plainly, I love them and as much as i need their help i also believe they need mine. I dont feel i have anything left to say but i probably have. I want my parents to let loose, i want them to to cry. I have cried a lifetime and i need a shoulder.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 March 2009): Thanks, i still have lots of things to sort out, I think i'm getting there. I have people i can talk too, but it is hard to release everything in one go. I walk one step and leave a mile behind, dont know if you can understand that but it is hard to talk.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 February 2009): Hi Kessian,I like the sound of your name too. I'll be sorry to see you leave, but I sense a peace and a hopeful outlook-- and that makes me Very Happy to know this. As usual, I admire your strength...you will be a fine man someday, I just know it.:) take care of you. Heidi
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 February 2009): I am probably going to end this. I feel like i need to, besides i have people to talk to. There are no more secrets, the shame is less hurtful, i only have one person to blame and it isnt me. I have a beautiful name and it was given to me by my parents, My name is Kessian and i am proud of it.
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 February 2009): Well 2 weeks of drugs and rest and constant counselling seems to have done me some good. I am feeling much better about myself. I totally lost it for a while, i have vented so much anger these last couple of weeks but at least now i'm talking to my parents. I have really hurt them by being truthful and they hugged me which was all i wanted. Perhaps things will now get better now that i no longer have nothing to hold back. I opened a massive door which led me right back to my parents. I think at the same point i gave in i gave up believing they could protect me. I was so wrong, a simple hug eases the pain. Trip is out of the question for now, i am happy to be at home. I beginning to think i have found myself, my place, my identity, I dont worry what others think anymore. I am no longer scared.
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 February 2009): I think the best way is for your counselor to register on dear cupid with a name. He will have his own account and he can add your question to his 'watch this question' list. Seems to me the quickest way...
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 February 2009): Maybe i can speak to my dad, it seems like i always mention him in regards to my feelings. Mum i know is hurting but a cuddle from her make all the difference even without words. I need to think about this, How do i tell my parents my body still reacts when i think of my brother. That sounds totally disgusting but is something i have to live with for the moment.
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 February 2009): I want to link this as an attachment in an email to my counsellor. I am not quite sure how though. do i just copy the http address
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 February 2009): My thinking is way of track at the moment. I am trying to take my mind of things, reading, watching films but i always end up at the beginning. I would like to smash everything in sight, even my parents for being nice. I am going to call yesterday for what it was a wet dream. Doesnt make it any easier though apart from the fact i have put a name to it. Dont want it to happpen again. Maybe i should asked my parents to knock before they come into my room but i dont think that would have made much difference in regards to how i feel and besides i was asleep at the time. I apologised to dad again this morning but that doesnt seem enough maybe i could speak to him about it. Maybe
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 February 2009): Music, I loved War of The Worlds, not the recent crap but the original which i had. Orsen Welles was briliant. never heard the live broadcast only the recording. Also the music soundtract from the original was fantastic. I would love to hear the original broadcast. Music such a simple word yet it sends my mind in a totally different direction
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 February 2009): No no no. What happened today WAS normal. The mind captures your life experiences, and deep sleep surfaces them. You have to believe these memories will fade in time. They really will. Maybe you should get out tomorrow for awhile. Music also helps me and soothes my soul when I'm feeling down.
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 February 2009): I dont know if i have been asleep or just laid awake but its 1.30am. Seems like i just woke from a day dream. Feel conpletely gutted like my insides have been torn out. I am beginning to think seeing a counsellor isnt enough. I need help and talking isnt helping me enough. Maybe i should be put away, because i feel like i'm going insane.
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 February 2009): Day started of ok, no school. Something happened this afternoon which really made me feel sick. Upset both my parents in the process. I was tired this afternoon and went to lay down. just crashed on top of my bed. Well i had a dream, must have only been asleep for about 40 minutes when mum and dad woke me. Knew something had happened and i told them both to get out in fact i screamed it. Dad literally rolled me over at which point my hands went down to cover up what had happened. I screamed at them again to get out. Mum notice first just said oh god turned and went out of my room. Took dad a few more seconds and me swearing in his face to get the fuck out of my room. He went and i just curled up and cried for what seemed like ages. I eventually went to the bathroom and cleaned myself up. Threw up in the process as well. Its been weeks since i had an erection, cant really say i have thought about anything like that. The fact is i was dreaming about my brother and it was pleasent. I cant beleive this happened dreaming about him. I eventually went downstairs to get a drink, dad asked if i was alright i said yes and apologised for screaming and swearing at them. I wasnt thinking right and when he turned me over i lost it. Didnt tell him what caused it, he just said its ok it happens to everyone. Yeah right i thought, i dream about my brother raping me and enjoy it. That doesnt happen to everyone it happens to me. I feel like i've been punched in the stomach. I told them i didnt want any tea and went back to my room. That was 3 hours ago havnt heard a sound from them. I dont want to sleep even though i'm tired, i dont want to dream about him touching me again ever. Dad just came up and knocked on my door asking if i was okay. Why do i always say yes when they ask that, why cant i say no i'm not ok, no i'm dyiing inside, i feel like i'm rotting from the inside. Why cant i just say that to them. Why cant i just be normal. Why am i sitting alone in my room all the time. Why didnt i insist on going to school this morning none of this would have happened. why am i even trying to make sense of all this when i cant even controll myself. I cant even shut my eyes now without thinking about him. God what has that bastard done to me.
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 February 2009): Dont think i will be at school today havent slept all night. Not been ill though just couldnt sleep at least mum will be happy. Spent most of the night just reading tried several times to get my head down but it just didnt happen. Just hope i dont sleep all day because that wont do me much good. I know dad has slept havnt heard a sound all night, glad about that.
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 February 2009): My thoughts also, i picked up were i left off on monday i think ony halfway through The Fellowship. Almost forgotten i had started reading it again. I have written a load of stuff down tonight but i have saved it for now. It's there for me to read and organised my thoughts. Back to the book.
Thanks
2011 thats way to far ahead
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 February 2009): Too bad The Hobbit movie isn't coming out until 2011...that would get your mind off things this weekend:) Have you read all the Lord of the Rings series? or Chronicles of Narnia? Take a mind vacation if you're up to it...
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 February 2009): I want to go back to school tomorrow but mum thinks i should stay home and rest. Its friday and they have already told school i wont be back till monday anyway. All i have done these last 2 days is sleep although i am feeling better for it. See what i feel like in morning.
I cant understand how i feel so crap at times, i didnt have these emotions before i told anyone, i acted normal pretending everything was alright and getting on with things. It seemed easier then compared to now, now its like the world is going to explode and i pushed the button. I'm doing it again i'm letting my thoughts run away with me. Not good at the moment so i will stop there.
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 February 2009): hey i just read this thread. wow you have been through a massive few weeks. I am so sad for what you have been through and what you are now going through. xxxxx I feel that you are doing an awe inspiring job of working through these many issues you have to face. I want to send you love and strenth to continue to strive forward.I hope and imagine that you know this is not your fault. I also see that at times, even though you know it is not rational, you feel at fault and feel guilt. Keep expressing those feelings, then re-read them, and listen to the part of you that says, 'wait a minute - I didnt do this, I didnt ask for this, this is not a consequence of MY actions it is a consequence of HIS actions'... Keep moving forward brave soul 3
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 February 2009): Counselling went okay i think although he now wants to see me on a tuesday and friday. He thinks i hold too much in and it will help me more. Probably a good idea i suppose, it might help with the weekends better. Spent most of the day in bed, mum was all over me like i was suddenly going to disappear. She seem to be loving the attention she was giving me gave me a big hug before i went to see my counsellor. I know she would like to be there with me but that hug made me feel like she was. I dont want to keep things from her i really dont but i dont feel ready and i dont think i would be honest if either of my parents were there. I cant really explain that feeling its just there in my head that i need to be alone for a while. I hope they understand that because i still dont.
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 February 2009): Its 8am dad just woke me and told me to go back to bed, didnt particularly want to i was comfy curled up next to him on the sofa but he insisted. No school its going to be a long day, least i have counselling today i am not missing that. Guess bed doesnt seem such a bad idea today.
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 February 2009): Its 3am and i've woken up again, havnt been ill but its coming. Theres a bowl next to my bed guess my parents put it there while i was asleep . Some one is downstairs probably dad . At least i got to the bathroom this time and yes it was dad. Came up when he heard me and put me back in bed not literally though this time. Kept saying i was okay he just said no your not. He said no school didnt ask just said it. He downstairs again guees this is becoming routine.I'm awake now i might go down.
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 February 2009): Believe me, she would love to hug you and never let you go
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 February 2009): You know what i think i love my parents, i cannot imagine myself loving anyone else. `Mum in particular, i know she cries, just wish she would cry with me and not alone. I really want mum to hug me but i feel so concious about it. Today isnt going to be easy, i am thinking too much
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 February 2009): I know my mother cries i can see it when i look at her, dad too. I was hurting inside, my throat was tight, tears just happened for no reason and i felt awful. I couldnt speak to anyone, what would i say for a start. I let this happen for a long time and i accepted it. I dont know who is sicker me or my brother. I'M SORRY MUM
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 February 2009): Cant beleive its been over four weeks since i started this. I am trying to figure out why. Things seem so much easier then, i only had one question to ask and i think i have answer that one for myself. Maybe things would have been smoother if not for the counsellor i was seeing at the time. I know my parents have read what i had previously written for that counsellor but they havnt spoken to me about it. In fact i am beginning to think that my parents are seeing some one when i'm at school. Talk about circles, we might just be going round and round and not speaking because it is painful for all. I have done so much to try and figure things out, i hope myt parents will forgive me, i didnt want to hurt them
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 February 2009): It might be a good idea to leave my history alone tomorrow and leave a favourites link to this page, i dont know. Dont know how they would react to all this, still havnt really spoken to them maybe this would make it easier. I hate not speaking to them but what do i say.
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 February 2009): Slept a lot better last night but still woke up feeling lousy. School wasn't much fun today, I think I must be looking wierd at the moment. Some lads really starting taking the piss out of me and I just let loose, a friend had to pull me of one of them. Least they won't do it again but my temper got the better of me and I think I surprised them. It felt good to hit something just glad there were no teachers watching, still it's not like me to do that. I don't remember ever hitting anyone before. Hope this doesn't happen again, that's not who I am. I guess I have to think on this one a bit. Oh I've been eating okay today breakfast, lunch and tea, can't remember the last time I had 3 meals in 1 day. Just hope I get through the night without being ill for a change. My parents had been on my comp again during the day, glad I cleared everything but I am leaving a message on tomorrow asking them to respect my privacy on my desktop. Don't know if that will go down well though.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 February 2009): wow, I've read it IS common to purge when dealing with a trauma. It's like your body is 'coming clean'. Please drink lots of liquids and get as much sleep as you can (take care of you)
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reader, Gorgeous' +, writes (2 February 2009):
Im new to this site, but ive spent the last good part of an hour reading this in utter shock. It seems to me though from an outsiders point of view that you are over coming this and what happend to you and you are coping very well. If you ever want to talk to someone instead of just writing everything down then private mail me, and il reply. I just wanted you to know that i'd be happy to listen to how your day has gone whether its good or bad. You have really showed me that worse things happend to other people, younger than myself and how well you copd with it, its a real eye opener. So id like to thank you for that aswell. Always here xx
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 February 2009): Coucou, after what i have gone through i should be the last person to say you should tell. Beleive me it does help to talk, it hurts like crazy, you will be sick, you will be ashamed, and you will be lonely and you will even cry like i am just writing this. It does help although it doesnt feel like it sometimes. I just want to curl up and forget about it but i think that would kill me.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 February 2009): I had an awful nights sleep. Woke up about 3am and didnt quite make it to the bathroom and threw up all over the place which woke my parents up. Dad had to clean me up because i was just shaking saying i'm sorry and crying. When i woke up again later he was still in my room been sat there all that time. He didnt want me to go to school but i said i was okay and wanted to go. Truth is i just didnt want to stay home. I feel better when i'm at school. I really tried to mix a little today during breaks although i spent lunchtime in the library again. I am thinking about going to the doctors being ill 2 weekends in a row. I know it just the way i'm feeling thats making me ill but i really dont want my parents to be constantly cleaning up after me. Plus it makes it that little bit harder to be with them, i feel like a kid because of it. Anyway i have loads of homework to do, i think the teachers were brutal today in giving us so much, have finished The Hobbit and started on The Lord Of The Rings but i guess i had better do the homework first.Thanks for all the recent replies, Never thought of this as a blog though, lol. Your answers, your questions and your thoughts do help. Thankyou
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reader, coucou206  +, writes (2 February 2009):
 Heyy there.I just wanted to say that you are not alone here.I was abused and raped by my brother, too. I, however, havent taken it so well. I havent told my parents and only one other person I know knows, but he doesnt know its my brother. I still live with my brother - he is 16 and is in 6th form. He stopped raping me when I was about 11. I am nearly 13 now. You have done something so amazingly brave, I cannot say, but you are being so hard on yourself, when you really need to pat yourself on the back and remember how brilliant you are. He's out of your life now.Coucou xxxxxx
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 February 2009): Male annonymous: I just found this thread, blog or whatever it is today and it took me a loong time to read it. I'm sooo glad you are doing better. I just wanted to say that I think your parents acted right. They are very confused and feel guilty themselves because they trusted your brother and he did what he did. This is a hard thing for them too. It's normal for you to feel confused and very emotional. You are dealing with all these defense mechanisms that have gone from apparent love for your brother to anger and later maybe hate. You felt you love him because that was the lie your mind used to assimilate the terrible thing you were going through. The only thing that made it look more "acceptable" in your innocent mind was that you wanted the abuse to happen too and it was OK because you loved him. Human minds are like that. They lie to us so we won't feel the excruciating pain of trauma. I believe you should be in peace because whatever is it your brother is going through right now he needs to realize the wrong things he have done. I mean he needs time away from you to think and to organize his feelings which are sooo wrong. I think maybe he is in counseling also. Don't feel guilty because of what your parents are going through. The same way you have got to accept this terrible abuse they have to accept their older son did something horrible to their youngest. they DON'T hate you. You are not causing them any trouble. This is just not easy for anyone in the family. And even if you don't see it right now the fact that you said the truth will always work for the better. You were the one who set your family free from the darkness of the sin involved. Sin that was brought into the family exclusively by your brother. He had no right to take away your innocence. He HAD NO RIGHT! Now you are all screwed up and he is talking about LOVE? Oh for God's sake wake up. Your brother loves no one. He is a self centered pig. (sorry, I got carried away)I'm not saying you have to hate him but don't feel guilty if one day you feel you do. It might be a temporary phase you have to go through in this emotional battle. Never feel guilty for telling the truth because God's will is for whatsoever a man soweth, that shall he also reap. -Latin Girl
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 February 2009): I know you want to go faster, but step by step your getting there. Your parents know what's wrong, and they would like to talk, but probably telling all isn't good right now. As the other lady suggests, just tell them some of the positive things and mention that being happy with your room, that will give the a huge hint about the state of where your at.Before you start talking to them, try to talk it over with the counsellor first. You could do role play with him, and practise what you would say and how you would say it.Not really sure babes, it's your life, you know how your feeling and you know what's best for you.One question though.. you said something about your brother leading and you following. Are things different now, do you feel that you've reclaimed your life and can make some of your own choices about what you would like to do. what you would like to become?Your parents love you, this is difficult for them, they are trying to do their best. They are probably feeling very guilty and frightened about all that has happened to you. They love you, never, ever forget that.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 February 2009): I don't think they want details. What's most important right now to them is that you are safe, and any words you have for them-- they'll take and be grateful for. (It might help them to know you've had a few good days...or you like your own room?)
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reader, sugar_sugar +, writes (2 February 2009):
 Posts won't be rejected if they are missing a full stop. However if they are very difficult to read they may be rejected, so while you are very understandably upset your posts don't have to be PERFECT, but legible.Makes it easier for everyone in the long run and saves on confusion.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 February 2009): Spell check, yeah right do you think when i'm crying i have the least bit interest in spell check.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 February 2009): Don't know what happened, but it's only a little set back. No problems, no problem at all, as you said, you've got more important things to worry about.You started writing her on the 3rd of January, can't you see how far you've come. We're talking weeks, not years here. You've managed to keep your appointments with your counsellor, you no longer hold in your feelings or keep things secret, your analysing your feelings, your writing them down. Some days you feel low, but you never give up, you find good things to distract you, whether it's a film or a book or even a school trip. You managed to survive a contact from your brother..... I said it before and I'll say it again. From where I'm sitting you are a brave and strong young man. You are moving mountains, you are doing everything you can to sort things out and help yourself heal. You and you alone are doing the things you need to do. Sometimes nobody is here to even respond to your questions or updates. Be very proud of yourself, your helping yourself, and your helping others who may be going through the same thing.PS: I'm glad you managed to reclaim your room. Make it a special place for yourself. Make it new, and make it yours. PPS: Don't worry if the posts don't come through, your writing them down and that's the most important thing of all... Your doing just fine, and in time, one day, all this will be behind you. Take care of yourself.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 February 2009): Maybe the break in me being published here as done me good, I hope so. I was feeling alright most of this weekend. But feeling good does that include ignoring ones parents. I feel they want to speak to me. I also think the subject isbest left alone. Do my parents really want the details of what happened to me.
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 February 2009): I was feeling good about myself, I have already written a load of stuff. Because of spelling errors or the wrong use of puntuation i no longer feel that good. I may have to rewrite all that i was feeling because i didnt include a full stop
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 February 2009): I've heard some computers have a spell check button.?
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 February 2009): Thanks Eve but grammar is not always the front of my mind when i am writing. I tend to go on without stops, commas, or puntuation marks. Simply because i am not thinking of them. I might write a load of stuff but because the grammar or spelling isnt right it is dismissed. Sorry but the way i feel at the moment i dont care about grammer or spelling
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reader, AskEve +, writes (1 February 2009):
 To male anonymous: Just WATCH your spelling and grammar. If it's too bad or mixed up the answer will be rejected.
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 February 2009): Okay maybe i am doing something wrong but my last 2 submiissions havnt appeared. Therir was nothing in them that could be considered objectionalble. The only thing i can think of is that maybe i am treating this as a general chat. I am not, i have been writing my feelings down as i feel them. Sometimes they dont even read as feelings but as occurences which everyone may consider normal. A response from an admin would help. It could just be me i,m not very focus at the moment when it comes to details. Having to rewrite what i am thinking or feeling isnt easy
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reader, anonymous, writes (31 January 2009): I havnt move out of my room all day, still in my boxers. its almost 6pm, not really bothered i like time to myself just that i think god i'm lazy but dont really care. Parents came up a couple of times asking if i,m alright guess i just grunted yes each time, apart from that they have left me to myself. No point in getting dressed now gonna play a couple of games on comp. Demons is on later i'll watch it online, no point in going downstairs i,m not hungry anyway. Just gonna chill out on my own. Havnt really thought of what dad might have said to my brother yesterday and i have stop caring. All in all not a bad day so far. back in a few hours then bed even though i've benn laid on it most of the day lol
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reader, anonymous, writes (31 January 2009): I have thought of that, all i can go on is what i have felt and what i am feeling now. My developement may have been damaged by my brother. I dont beleive it has been altered by him. A lot of people have a hard time accepting who they are, me especially because of my brother. I have asked myself this question hundreds of times "did my brother make me this way" The answer i keep coming to is NO. My brother hurt me but he did not make me who i am. Some people will think it so and no matter what i say will not change their oppinion. I beleive i am who i am not because of my brother but because of me. Maybe i have come to accept it earlier then most people expect because of my past but i beleive this is who i am. Your question has a thousand answers and raises a thousand more questions. This is my answer
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 January 2009): I have a question for you, but don't feel you need to answer. As you grow into a man, will you ever explore the thought, that your brother took that choice from you?
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 January 2009): I had an awful day yestreday so why should i suddenly decide to post such an issue. Simply because if i dont do it now when i'm feeling so low i dont think i ever will have. I had to get it out just to be honest with myself, yes i do feel crap and probably more alone then ever now but its out i have posted it and that helps me
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 January 2009): Well i am glad yesterday has gone, i know dad has been away all day and i know were but i am not asking. I have bigger questions then that.
A lot of you are going to associate these questions with my brother, some will even blame my brother. The questions i am about to ask are hard for anyone, however i have to ask, some will say if i'm asking then i,m not sure. I have thought about this and maybe just maybe this is why i started questioning myself and my brothers relationship. I have look up so much information and read so many stories from other people. Forgetting what as happened to me which is nearly impossible to do. I am gay, god i said it, no dont blame my brother, my brother i beleive has nothing to do with this even though some of you wont agree, it is something i know, I have probably gone through all the questions anyone could ask in my head and i arrive at the same answer. I am gay, i know it, i feel it, and it is something i dont question. With everything thats going on in my life it is the one thing i know. No i dont have anyone special so there is no crush or false feelings involved. Yes i am attracted to other males but i have never acted on that attraction. No i dont think of my brother when i find some one attractive. No i dont insteady want to undress them although the thought does occur to me. No i have found myself in no way attracted to females. My life is such that people will question this but ask all the questions you want because i feel i have already answer them for myself. My brother started abusing me when i was 8 or 9 years old and that continued to last year. i'm 16 now it has stopped. it stopped because i decided to stand and ask a question. That question open up corridors and in each corridor there are several doors. I have got to open everyone of those doors and i know it may take years. Cupid is just the first but it is probably the most important one because one step leads to another and without the first step one cannot take a second or a third. I am sorry for my brother he has done something which means he will probably no longer be part of my life. And i beleive no longer part of my parents lives. I no longer want to see him even if i feel for him. I have to get on with my own life and thats going to be tough enough. No i am not going to tell my parents because they will instantly think its my brothers fault. I may have to lie to them forever but i dont have to lie to myself and i dont want to. Yes i will tell my counsellor and yes i will listen to him. Like i have said this is hard enough for anybody but for me it is not hard it is natural and that is all that counts being myself not denying things
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 January 2009): I could say i have calm down now, i really dont remember going to bed, i just remember telling my parents about the email after that i am in oblivion except for the tears i do remember crying though. its 11 pm so i reckon i have had 4 hours sleep. Thats when i figured my father carried me to bed, not sure i was in a state.
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 January 2009): My counsellor rang asking what was the matter because i must have left a dozen messages for him. I trold him about the e-mail and he asked me to forward it to him which i did. After reading it he has told me i must tell my parents. Mum and dad were not happy at all in fact dad was furious not with me but with my brother. He told me under no circumstances to answer it and that he would speak to him. He actually kissed and hugged me and said not to worry they will sort it out, well that started the tears flowing. I dont think i have cried in front of my parents for years but once i started i couldnt stop. Well i was in bed dad physically carried me and put me to bed i couldnt stop crying, i think thats the first time i have let loose in front of my parents.
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 January 2009):
There is so much i have missed out on in my life, my brother was always there leading the way and i was to follow. I dont have friends outside of school, in fact i dont have much at all. the only numbers i have inm my phone are home and my brother's which is disconnected. My parents so to that. How does one begin again, there are lads i'm friendly with at school but in all honestly the definition of best friend is beyond me. Maybe i just havnt met them yet which leaves a door open. I dont think i would recognised a best friend if he punched me
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 January 2009): I'm sorry i know lots of you wont understand this but jailing my brother thats is not an option, that is the farthest thing from my mind and it upsets me to even be reminded of it. I would ask yuou all not to mention it again. Some will think what the fuck. I dont want to hurt my brother and if you cannot understand that then i dont think you should be replying to me. I am sorry but i still have feelings for my brother but i am beginning to realise that those feelings can be good as brother. Dont get me wrong it will be a long time before i could possibly think of him as my brother but the fact is he is. No matter what happens wether he accepts it or not i am his brother. There are my parents, there is me and there is my brother. Only 4 people in this entire world who know me. Dont asked me to give that up
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 January 2009): Oh just when your having a good day, he's up to his sneaky business! I'd like to sneak up on him! Well he should expect anger coming from you...one day you will get to spill it all and he'll have to take it, but I'm not sure the communication should be so soon. Please keep trying your counselor, and yes, I think it would be good for your parents to know. You're a good brother, and after all, he needs therapy too. He's now classified a pedofile, and he'll be in jail if he continues his ways.
Well I hope you won't let this get you down, you've come a long way, and as always, we're behind you. *hug*
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 January 2009): The e-mail is quite expressive, he wants me to live with him as he thinks we are good for each other. That our love should come first and he can forgive me for saying the things i have said. He would never do anything to hurt me. We can get through this without other people interfering and be stronger then ever. That he loves me as he knows i love him regardless of others.
I dont think i love him anymore and i dont know what hurts most the fact that i did or the faact that i am realising i dont.
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 January 2009): Received an e-mail today from my brother he wants to see me. My stomach just turned. I,ve tried ringing my counsellor but all i'm getting is answer machine. I've drafted an e-mail back to him but havnt sent it. I have basically told him to piss off and leave me alone but i havnt sent it, i am scared for him, scared he might do something stupid. I was feeling so good as well i think i may have to tell my parents about it if i cant get in touch with my counsellor soon.
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 January 2009): Had a good day today, well sort of. I slept like a log last night once i got my head down. School was much the same except i join some friends for lunch then went to the library for the reminder. Saw my councellor just after school, he's easy to talk to. Guess my first impression about him was right. He doesnt push just seems to want to know about me at the moment hasnt brought up my brother or our past. In a way that made me feel better the fact that i think he was asking who i am and not who i was. I had to fetch up subjects i wanted to talk about. Clever so and so now i think about it. I came out feeling much better though about myself guess there is some sort of method in him.
Got home, my room had been totally rearranged my brothers bed had gone along with most of his things. It kind of makes the room look empty without it. I know mum and dad must have had a hard time doing it. It kind of finalises the fact that i dont think my brother will be coming home not any time soon anyway. I went to bed really early though not really thinking about anything which makes a change. Only problem with that is i am now wide awake at 5am. I am thinking as i'm writing so you will have to excused if i seem to blabber on about anything. Gonna have to move my comp back to where it was my parents place my desk opposite the window so the sun will shine straight on it. My room, it sounds good just saying that, looks quite big now. I dont think i have ever really thought like this before, its mine and i can do what i want with it. Sound like a little kid with a new toy who has no intention of sharing it. I need to get some more posters, 2 or 3 bean bags wouldnt do any harm either or even a sofa, guess who's gonna hit his bank account this weekend lol. Huh i almost feel happy that makes a change. I guess talking today has really help me some.
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 January 2009): Your doing fine babes.. there are many people here walking right beside you... Your post make me cry, I wish I were near enough to give you a big hug. What your doing is so bloody brave. Your doing fine, your doing just what you need to heal. I know this is painful, but thanks for telling us how you are getting on, we are all worried about you. I'm glad your going on the school trip, a little bit of fun, some time away. Keep up with the books, books are always good, they take us to other worlds and give the mind a rest. Your doing bloody great, and I know you feel alone, but your not, we are right beside you and we understand the pain you feel, the confusion.
Fuck the people at school, fuck what anyone thinks, you've done nothing wrong, nothing wrong at all. Your a loving kind person, and your are healing yourself and your doing it in a safe way. Be very proud of yourself, you are probably one of the most bravest persons that I've ever met. Take care of you always, your health, your feelings and your emotions are important to many people here... Big hugs from me to you.
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 January 2009): This really hurts i could have left this for tomorrow or the day after but i just ask my parents if they could remove my brothers bed from my room, it makes me feel sick.
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 January 2009): I was just about to write some more but i deleted after the first sentence. Maybe tomorrow or the day after i think i need a rest from writing. Usually its talking i have problems with, i dont think writing is a problem but even so it is still draining and i need a bit of a recharge. Guess when i talk to some one they are there to keep my emotions stable. When i'm on my own they escape.
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 January 2009): Laugh and cry...and so it is. But also the beginning of hope. You'll have up and down days...days when you need a hug, here's one from me O! ...you've had this twisted affection and now it's been severed. Just like a wound, it will take time to heal your heart and mind. You will love again, and it will be a love you can show the world.:)
Also, your parents are feeling a heavy weight of guilt and I hope you can understand this. They love you.
May your session bring you some peace of mind and closer to the Sun:)
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 January 2009): Keep getting this awful feeling everytime some one at school looks at me. Alomst feel like they know everything thats going on in my life Teachers, classmates everyone, even one of my friends keeps asking me whats up. I just dont know what to do. Glad i'm seeing my counsellor tomorrow even though it will only be my 2nd visit. Spent most of my breaks in the library again i just dont feel like mixing at the moment. I actually got some sleep last night and thought i would be feeling better but i just feel exhausted all the time. I ahd breakfast didnt bother with lunch and i dont feel much like eating now. I'm gonna check the fridge and see if there is anything i really like, eggs maybe i usually eat them no matter wether i'm hungry or not. I wasnt feeling that bad yesterday but today i'm just down and it's not like i was feeling down when i woke up it has just progress through the day. Cant get my brother out of my head, I dont know if i love or hate him at the moment but i could do with a hug. I know thats wrong because it wouldnt stop at just a hug. I know its never going to happen again but at the same time i think i need him. He was part of my life and i know my feelings developed from something that is so wrong. I wish he could read all of this because i think he needs to know what he has done to me. Just how mixed up i feel and while i'm trying to admit to myself that i shouldnt love him. I think that no matter what a part of me always will and i cant imagine ever sorting those feelings out. Should really stop here because my eyes are flowing and i know i wont sleep if i dont. Is this what i can expect all the time because i dont think i will cope very well not like this. I'm gonna try reading again it took my mind of things last night but i cant stay stuck in my room forever. I would go downstairs but i feel uncomfortable with my parents and cant really have a conversation with them. I think my mother thinks all the accidents stopped because my brother was watching out for me. I think she is suddenly realising that wasnt the reason. Dont really want to write anymore now. They always made sure i was never alone , that my brother was there in case i had an accident, can you laugh and cry at the same time because i just did.
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 January 2009): Thanks, Asking about the trip at school went okay, i had left it a bit late but there are places and it shouldnt be a problem. At last some went right. People kept asking me if i was okay today, starting making me feel a bit paranoid almost as if they knew something. Then i suppose i do look like i've been drag behind a car or something. I asked to be excused from gym as well wasnt feeling up to it, too tired, i just said i been ill all weekend and hadnt had much sleep. The classic excuse for avoiding gym but it wasnt questioned. Again i'm reading things into that, thinking that was easy. Spent lunch in the library didnt feel like mixing it, pity schools dont stock Terry Practhett though i love his books. Got home and i swear my parents had been on my computer, i'm left haandnt and the mouse was on the right, didnt mention it though besides there nothing on it that would upset them. I feel like they dont trust me but i guess they are just worried. Anyway i 'm feeling more relaxed at the moment, i just dive into a book after tea, The Hobbit, must have read it a dozen times already but i tend to lose myself in books and it worked i didnt put it down for almost 2 hours. Guess i'll finished it tomorrow night its 10pm i'm tired and i feel like i will sleep tonight. Glad i'm writing stuff here it easier then talking sometimes but everything i write here i will be showing my councellor. Feelings seem to explode in my head then just get replaced by more feelings and i what to remember them and not just say i'm ok. Keeping them to myself and not letting others in is wrong and hurts more. I begginning to realise that, hopefully i will let my parents in but in order to do that i need to make space. Guess that space is called trust which is jammed with other stuff at the moment. Stuff i need to let out which may take a long while but i think i would like them to be there when it happens. Strange i am scared of my own feelings but they are part of me. The more i write the more questions i think of, so thats it for today before i get myself into a state. Thanks for reading.
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 January 2009): You're doing just fine. Glad you're feeling better too. You're in a fragile state of mind, and your councelor will help guide you through your emotions. Your brother has no power now, just shame. I'm picturing you in a black pit looking up at the sun, and everyday you're taking a step up towards the sunshine.Caring about you...
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 January 2009): Still feeling low but at least i've stopped being ill. Sat down and had lunch with parents today havnt really eaten much this weekend. I ask if i could go on thhe school trip thats coming up and after a few whys and when they said yes. They also said it would be good because they wanted to talk to my brother and they didnt want us together. i think i played into that one because if i knew they were going to talk to him i wouldnt have mentioned the trip. Still its 3 weeks away i mgiht not even get a place because it was organised weeks ago. They want to talk to my brother that has started my mind racing again, i know it needs to be done but i still worry about him but if i saw him just now i mgiht just punch him. Crazy i worry bout him but could hit him. i havnt seen him in almost 4 weeks. well it 3am and i still havnt had much sleep gonna try again. Its not bad weekdays but thw wekends are tiring probably because i'm not occupied with school. I think to much when i'm on my own, I need to tell my counsellor that because when i think i seem to dwell on things, the what ifs and so on which probably isnt good for me but its so hard to clear my head.
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 January 2009): I have had a lousy day today, woke up being ill. Trying to take my mind of things but its not easy, its 5 am and i havnt slept yet. Also i keep crying i dont know why. Angry with myself for it, just stayed in my room all day havnt spoken to a soul. I think my parents knew to leave me be today otherwise i would have taken it out on them. I shouldnt be shouting at them i know but they keep saying the wrong things at the wrong time but it seems like the wrong time all the time at the moment. I should try to control my temper and stop snapping at them. Mum looks ill, like she has suddenly grown old and its my fault. This shouldnt be happening, i should of kicked my brother in the balls all those years ago but i didnt. He started all this if it wasnt for him i wouldnt be crying now. I would be normal and none of this would be happening
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 January 2009): Does he know how you feel? Love is love,so you should let him know and see if he feels the same way. I know that once I realised it wasn't just the alcohol the one time with my own brother and that he wasn't taking advantage of me, after he told me he had feelings for me, we used to kiss a lot, but it never got farther than that. I miss him, as he went away, too, but maybe it wasn't meant to be, you know? But your situation seems better, like you're more together, more involved. Maybe you could figure out a way to visit him?
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 January 2009): I think it would be good for you too- to just 'get away' and be in a different environment. A chance to think clearly. Could you ask a teacher or office secretary at school to contact your parents for permission to go? Like others have said, you've been very brave to be 'pro-active' and get yourself help. The truth has set you free, and we're behind you.
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 January 2009): I wrote a load of stuff on here yesterday but it hasnt appeared maybe i did it wrong. It was pretty intense dont think i can write it again. I thought about putting pen to paper but the way my parents have acted recently i think i'm am better of doing it this way. I keep telling them i want some space but that only seems to annoy them. I need to get away from this and theres a school trip coming up soon but i dont know if i am up to actually enjoying myself. It might take my mind of things but even though i'm old enough to make decisions for myself the school still insists on parental permission. I think i would like to go but how do i ask my parents for permission without them being awkward. I just need a rest and to be myself without having to worry what others think of me.
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 January 2009): I know it's hard babes, but at least your trying. You met the new person, and your willing to at least consider a relationship with them. That's a start, a very big start, and it's a very brave thing your doing.
Please start writing a journal (diary) and write down your feelings and your memories. Let's try to get them out of your head, and down on the paper where you can see them. Keep up the good work, what your doing is hard, but it the long run it will help you get through this. Stay strong, you've done nothing wrong, you just need some help to make sense of things.
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 January 2009): I wouldnt say today has been a good day but i have had worse. Having to meet some one new isnt easy but at least he was patience and listened. Didnt really ask me much it was almost like meeting a friend for the first time. Moving into a new place and meeting someone you instantly like. I have a good feeling about him and i think i will be able to talk to him. There may be somethings i may never tell anyone but i have to start somewhere. I think i'm starting of a little too cautious though, i know i was tense and uptight during our entire conversation and this was really only introduction but like i said i have a good feeling about him. I just dont want to go through the whole process with someone again and have it thrown back at me later. If that happens
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 January 2009): I know i said i was seeing some one tomorrow, it is actually today i wrote that at 3am this morning couldnt sleep. I am tired and drained both mentally and physically, feel like i could sleep for a week. I look awful and feel worst then i look, maybe today will be different i hope so.
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 January 2009): Maybe i've calmed down a bit, i have arrange to see some one tomorrow a different consellor and one my parents dont know, did it through my doctor and i have insisted that my parents are not involved. Your right i need to get this away from the home, i need to be in control not other people. My future looks so dim at the moment and the pressure i'm feeling from my parents isnt helping me. I have just been reading over what i gave my consellor. My brother did some awful things to me. I realise that at some point in the past i just gave in to him. I can see were that was and i remember what had happened to me. From that point in my life i stopped fighting him. I just read what i had written for then. "I couldnt fight him any more he had won" I just gave up and accepted what was happening to me. I have extremely strong feelings for my brother, my heart if telling me one thing, my head another and my stomach is the battle ground. I want to sort myself out, i am not sure if i can. How can i not hate my brother for what i am going through. He has put me in the hospital 4 times in my life, twice requiring surgery. All accidents of course but i do remember the last time, my parents ask me what had happened but i didnt say anything because i didnt know what story my brother wanted me to tell. The accidents stopped after that because i stopped saying no. I remember being so scared of him, i dont know how i could possibly care for him now it doesnt make sense. I know i am hitting out at my parents because i dont want to hate my brother and i think that they feel i should. I cant dismiss him overnight, thats not going to happen. I want to know that he is ok but nobody will tell me anything.
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 January 2009): " I am so scared, i dont know what to do anymore. If i talk to any one i feel like they are going to betray me. That is what upsets me the most, i want to talk but to who, everyone i have trusted so far has betrayed that trust. My parents hate me"
I'm so sorry you feel like your going through this on your own, of course i can't even pretent to understand how you are feeling. I'm sure your parents don't hate you, prehaps they don't understand, i'm not condeming them but it does seem quite understandable. by the people betraying your trust i assume you mean the counsillor who betrayed your confidence and told your parents, that is completely out of order and she could be struck of for that, even if she was doing with your best interests at heart. If you ever need to talk maybe talking to someone out side of the situation may help, i'm always here... you are not alone and this is not your fault, what you are feeling is completely understandable. with much love, G..x
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 January 2009): I am so scared, i dont know what to do anymore. If i talk to any one i feel like they are going to betray me. That is what upsets me the most, i want to talk but to who, everyone i have trusted so far has betrayed that trust. My parents hate me.
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 January 2009): Babes, your angry with the wrong people. Your brother has raped and abused you. Why aren't you angry with him? Don't you get scared about who he might rape and abuse next? Your parents are trying to look after you, should they leave your brother alone and allow him to continue to hurt you. You may not realise it, but this is the end of your suffering, they will help you all they can, you will get over this thing. Find another counsellor and start talking truthfully about what happened.
We haven't ruined your life, we give advice. We think your brother is wicked, your counsellor and your parents think the same thing. Only you, the person who has been abused thinks he's great. You have been seriously damaged, you need to contact SAIL Sexual Abuse & Incest Line 01246 556114 and talk to women who have been abused like you. Your getting angry with the wrong people.
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 January 2009): i feel so sorry for you, what you must be going through sounds awful. i hate to tell you this but what your brother did to you was wrong, and i swear i'm not a do gooder. i'm just concerned for you. i asume you are at school doing your a levels, so am i. what did you take, what do YOU want to do in the future. try to forget about everything that is going on around you (i know it must be realy hard) what do you want from your life? if you forget about the love you have for your brother and teh hatred you have currently for your parents, what makes you tick?, do you enjoy school, your friends? maybe you need to get yourself out of the situation completly before it ruins you future. there is a condition (i'm not infering that you have it)- i just wanted to mention it. its called stockholm disease/disorder and it is when the person who has been 'abused' feels a PLUTONIC love for the 'abuser'. this could explain some of the feelings you have described. you can still love your brother unconditionally as a brother, but maybe not as a lover. i am always here if you want to talk, i may not know you but having an outsider to talk to could help, with much love, G..x
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 January 2009): I'm sorry i just want my brother back, my parents dont understand that. All i have is my brother and not knowing were he is is killing me. I'm going to his uni tomorrow to see if i can find him. I hope i do because if i dont i wont be coming back home.
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 January 2009): Whats the matter, all you do gooders scared to come out now. My life is screwed, wish i never posted here, you have totally ruined what i had. So much for help.
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 January 2009): Well thanks a bunch, i just got out of the clinic yestreday. My therapists screwed me over big style. First time i've been home in 2 weeks. Everything went wrong, i should have kept my mouth shut. My parents as far as i am concerned can go and jump of a bridge. They confronted my brother who broke down, then they kicked him out and they will not tell me were he is. I am going to see some one tomorrow about getting my therapist struck off, seeing as she broke patience confidence and told my parents everything, Then place me in a clinic for 2 weeks with a bunch of arsehole consultants. I either went in voluntary or they would have had me sectioned. They have told me i am not to try and find my brother, well screw them. I will find him no matter what they say to me. I have told my therapist to get stuff and that i am reporting her. I have told my parents that they have hurt more then my brother ever did. I wont be staying on at school after easter just to spite them and i'll do whatever it takes to get enough money together to get away from them. I might as well start getting paid for my feelings and i'm sure there are plenty of men out there willing to pay. When i find my brother i hope he can forgive me and will let me back into his life. I love him and i cannot bear being away from him. My parents make my skin crawl even when i look at them, i cannot bear the sight of them.
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 January 2009): Well i did it, i've got it out of the way. On monday i am seeing my therapist on my own. My parents were not happy about it. I just said it is that or i stop going. I feel rotten for doing it but i cant go on like this, all i'm doing is lying and saying what they want to hear. I dont know what will happen after monday. I am glad i found this site it has help alot thinking about my situation, i think it would have taken me a lot longer
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 January 2009): I have written so much down since yesterday. I think it has drained me a little. I havn't spoken to my parents about wanting to go to my therapist on my own yet. I know thats going to be tough on them and its not till next week anyway. I am writing everything down that i can think of. I know what i am like when it comes to talking to people. This is just in case i clam up then i can just hand her what i have written, somehow i think that is the way this is going to come out. This is still going to be very hard for me to do but i know it has to be
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reader, askJAY  +, writes (6 January 2009):
 Oh my gosh...wow...i am sad for you young guy.
What you are feeling is an emotional attachment created through the unnatural bond you and him share.
Don't be ashamed to feel those feelings, but please understand that they are not the truth for you. i am praying for you and urge you to contact the relevant authorities, For your sake and for your brother's. You are allowed to still "love" him, but use that love to do what is best for him. He needs to get help and so do you.
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 January 2009): Your thinking is off balance because of your brothers past abuse. When someone is forced to do unspeakable acts, they cannot think clearly. I'm relieved you're seeing a therapist to put your feelings in perspective. Someone once told me when abuse stops, then it will take the same amount of years to undo it. Basically Re-Learning life. I think you have some deep seeded emotions, and they will surface in time. Don't supress these emotions: even anger. You need to Feel every emotion to heal. There may be a period of time you don't want to see your brother. He must respect this. You will learn to be strong again, and be your own man, but it will take time.
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 January 2009): Well i talk to some one over the phone today. Writing here as help me do that. The fact that i am already seeing some one is good regardless of wether it is about my current situation. I can insist that my parents do not accompany me and my sessions do not have to be discuss with them and can remain totally confidential. Upto now my brother doesnt know i am seeing anyone, i asked my parents not to tell using the excuse that i didnt want him to think any less of me. Basically i didnt want him panicking. All i have to do now is tell my parents i don't want them there and if that doesn't work just tell my therapist apparently she must then sort it out because it is my right.
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 January 2009): Thanks i am seeing a therapists at the moment, have been since Oct 08. My parents doing, i sort of lost it when my brother went back to uni in sept. They thought i might be depressed or on drugs but they insist on being there every session with me. I have tried telling them i want to go on my but they argue on about what i could possibly tell some one that i cant tell them. They think everything is great at the moment but thats because it is the holidays and my brother is home.
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reader, NITRAM BLUE  +, writes (4 January 2009):
 I am sorry but you have to report your case to the police or some cause oriented group in your country. Your case is a Child Abuse case.
Your acceptance and developed affection for the brother who have sexually abused you is a common reaction since you are a victim of such abuse. You are not feeling love and that is not love.
To understand the context of what you are going through, please visit this website:
http://www.ipt-forensics.com/journal/volume10/j10_2.htm
and please report this to the authorities or a cause oriented group so that they could help you psychologically and legally. You have undergone some great trauma.
I hope you could recover. God Bless.
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reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (4 January 2009):
 SAIL Sexual Abuse & Incest Line
PO Box 8
Chesterfield
Derbyshire
S40 1NY
tel: 01246 556114
Call it and talk to someone if you don't feel you can talk to your parents. It is not love and it is not right what he did to you.
Please call them.
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 January 2009): Thanks i am dreading the fact that he will be back at uni in a weeks time. I am also glad that i wrote this down and had the courage to post. I reading it over and over again. I am remembering the first time he hurt me. I think i was about 8 or 9 at the time. I said no to him, hee thne put my hand in window and slammed it shut on my fin gers. I had to have surgery to stitch 1 back on. He convinced my parents it was an accident. Then about a week later i think the abuse started or next time it would be my hand. Even typing this i still dont want him to go.
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reader, Intrigued40s +, writes (3 January 2009):
You probably are going to reveive docens of answers to your question but nobody is you and only you know how you feel. You share with us that you end up enjoying whatever happend and our society condems this kind of relationships. For what reasons? A lot are going to say because God said so or because Moses wrote it as if God told him. Some of our laws are based on the beleives of most claiming the unity of the family. Certainly you were forced to start you sexual life before nature did and by the time it did you started finding it pleasurable. It only would be natural that you grow feelings on your brother but eventually you are going to grow older and other men are going to try get closer to you. My guess is that you are going to find true love with another guy and you and your brother are going to have separate lives to conform with what our society finds "normal"
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reader, texangirl +, writes (3 January 2009):
It is terribly wrong on so many levels. I think you know the answer. Perhaps you need to see a specialist because these are some serious issues. It is sick because this man did things that are so wrong to you i don't even know where to begin. You reallly need to see someone about this. it is going take a long time in therapy to work this one out. Sorry, hon you aren't gonna find any real answers on here.
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 January 2009): I think you have that a variation of that stockholm syndrome where people end up loving the person who kidnaps them or abuses them. I really think you need to talk about this to someone professional so you can begin to work out how you orginally felt and got where you are now.Good Luck x
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