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Am I playing myself for a fool with this older guy?

Tagged as: Age differences, Dating, The ex-factor, Trust issues<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (15 May 2018) 14 Answers - (Newest, 28 May 2018)
A female United States age 26-29, anonymous writes:

My boyfriend is 8 years older than me. I met him in early February while he was non exclusively dating a 21 year old .I met him in a little store near my house and one thing Led to another and now we are a couple. When i first initially met him he told me about the 21 year old from the go. He told me he’s been knowing her for 11 months and how her family especially her parents didn’t like him. He told me he felt like they didn’t even want him talking to her (understandable considering her age). Every time we would go out or go on a date he’d tell me stories about how over the last 11 months he felt like he was getting nowhere with this girl. He told me how she spoiled him shitless and she was the nicest person he’d ever met

A few examples he mentioned:

She would let her parents control her they’d use his age as an excuse to manipulate her into thinking he didn’t really want her.

He said his biggest pet peeve was they didn’t like the fact she was over his house and she couldn’t spend the night with him

He told me he met her family and her father made it clear he didn’t think he was fit for her and her mother thought she wasn’t ready for a relationship because of their age

The main thing he brings up is he told her he wanted to be with her but he felt like she continued to treat him like a friend by not staying over or putting her foot down with her people

He told me he asked her to be his girl so many times but every time they’d have sex or a relationship topic came up she brought up her parents.

It had got to a point for him where he tried to distance hisself from her and just started calling her his friend because he knew anything more than that wasn’t happening

After meeting with him a few more times he told me that he needed to let the 21 year old go and move on and he wanted to be with me. He made it seem like he was over her and no longer wanted her due to the circumstances that came with being with her. He felt like it would just be better to move on because he was wasting his time and he was putting a burden on her with her family as well.

So he eventually let her know that he was going to be with someone else. He told me how hard she took it angry crying and telling him she loved him but he told her he had to move on she kept telling him she loved him and he said “i love you too sweetie I’m sorry i still will be there for you”

This is where the problem comes in.

For starters this girl looks like me a lot and she’s around my age. He told me she’s the youngest girl he’s ever dated or had sex with so i feel like i might be a replacement look alike lol?

So basically he left her physically but not 100% mentally. He still thinks it’s okay to keep the communication lines open with this girl. He broke up with her and still talks to her (nothing wrong with that) but she sometimes says she misses him and he will say he misses her too. Which is inappropriate considering he’s with me now and he’s stringing her along seems like. When he texts her or they talk through messaging he’ll put “honey” at the end of the text. For example one of his texts he was showing me he said “hey honey what are you up to today”. ???????

She apparently works at a coffee shop he goes to occasionally, one time last month he went there to get coffee and tried to see her (purposely run into her) asked her was she at work. Their talking has decreased a lot since he left her but i can tell every now and again he thinks about her because a few weeks ago he splurged sent her a text really late at night. The way he talks about her sometimes i can tell this girl loved him a lot but , I’m scared I’m playing myself for a fool. He has been putting a lot of energy and focus on us compared to last month but... i can’t help but feel like he maybe took the easy way out of not being with this 21 yo.

Then earlier last month we saw his ex in the store.

So at first it seemed like he wanted to avoid her. They eventually crossed paths and he said “hey” and she said hey and he went back to shop. My boyfriend and i had separate things to get so we were grocery shopping separately. She went down an aisle he was on and she started talking to him ..

They started talking so i continued to do my shopping while they were talking. After a couple of minutes i glance over towards them and he started teasing her a little. My boyfriends ex was pushing her basket and he would grab the end of her basket then releases it and start laughing. I went to the aisle nearest them and he was bringing up their old memories and heir little inside jokes.

He then told her randomly “you need a longer T-shirt “ she said “ why is there something on my butt?, is my underwear showing or something” she starts looking down . and he said “na“ and started smiling while kind of signaling to her butt size/they was her butt looked in the pants she had on. (he didn’t directly say her butt size/shape but i could see where he was going with what he was saying) He asked her some job she had applied for and what was the status on it. And basically they were joking on each other the entire time we were there.

He asked her about her glasses and she said she wears contacts now and he said “oh you’re just trying to show off that face”. The whole time we were in the store he would randomly say things out of the ordinary to her to get her attention or say her name and just say something completely random that he could’ve kept to hisself. And right as she was leaving the store he walked behind her grabbed on her hair and yanked it...

View related questions: at work, broke up, his ex, move on, teasing, text, underwear

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A female reader, aunt honesty Ireland + , writes (28 May 2018):

aunt honesty agony auntIts clear to see you have made your mind up and that you are not interested in advice giving to you. I hope you don't end up getting hurt.

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A male reader, N91 United Kingdom + , writes (27 May 2018):

N91 agony aunthttp://www.dearcupid.org/question/my-boyfriends-over-friendly-encounter-with-his-ex.html

Your third post about the same topic??? Come on.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (27 May 2018):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Or maybe he told her that so that she’s hate him and move on

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A female reader, aunt honesty Ireland + , writes (21 May 2018):

aunt honesty agony auntBecause he is acting like a child who cannot get what he wants. Because she respects her parents wishes he is spitting his dummy. If he wanted to be with you then he would not be talking to her all the time and writing to her saying he misses her. He is being very disrespectful to you.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (18 May 2018):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Like i said if he was trying to make her jealous why didn’t he take her back when she begged and got upset

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A female reader, aunt honesty Ireland + , writes (18 May 2018):

aunt honesty agony auntI will say the same to you this time as I did last time, he still has feelings for the ex and if he is not prepared to cut ties with her then he is not over her and he is not putting you first. Never be someone's second choice, you deserve better than that.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (18 May 2018):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

But she begged for him back according to him, and he told her he was sorry and basically told her to move on... so he did get a reaction out of her ? Why would he tell her to move on if he wanted to get her jealous , he got what he wanted ... right ?

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A female reader, DancerGirl1984 United Kingdom +, writes (18 May 2018):

You are being strung along because he is telling you he wants to be with you but his actions prove otherwise. Which you seem to accept, hence why he keeps doing it.

This guy is enjoying the attention and at the heart of it, 2 lovely girls are getting hurt.

Please see this guy for who he is. A sleaze and a player. You deserve better.

Good luck.

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A female reader, CMoon United Kingdom +, writes (18 May 2018):

I have a feeling he told her about you to make her jealous and prompt a reaction out of her - like standing up to her parents.

I'm genuinely sorry but I do feel like you are a pawn in his game x

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A female reader, CMoon United Kingdom +, writes (18 May 2018):

It seems to me like he has pretty much told you that the only reason he and this girl aren't together now is because of her parents. If there wasn't that complication, they would still be together because he clearly wanted to make it official.

There are so many warning signs in everything you have said. He is being unfair to you by being in this relationship with you when he is clearly still in love with his ex. He shouldn't need to keep lines open between him and his ex if it's over. They don't have children together or financial ties. It's particularly unfair for you to have to witness his flirting and be expected to go along with it. I don't trust his attitude one bit.

I feel you need to end this and move on. And he needs to sort his head and heart out before jumping into another relationship. He shouldn't be allowing someone to become emotionally involved with him when he's emotionally unavailable.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (18 May 2018):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Why would he want to make her jealous with the truth

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (18 May 2018):

Sounds like this guy may be playing you both. However, and I don't mean to be cruel, it does seem as if he prefers his ex to you. He talks about her all the time, sees her in the store and flirts with her, totally ignoring your presence.

If, as you say, he told her he met someone else it was probably to make her jealous. Dump this guy. He's not worth it. You deserve better than this.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (17 May 2018):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

How am i being strung along ? It sounds to me as if the other girl is especially since he told her he met someone else

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A female reader, DancerGirl1984 United Kingdom +, writes (17 May 2018):

It's you who is getting strung along. This guy shouldn't have told you anything about this girl. It sounds as though he loves having his ego stroked and you're putting up with being disrespected. If he really wanted to be with you then he would have cut all contact immediately but he hasn't.

He clearly still loves this girl and openly flaunts it in your face. He has no respect for you if he is behaving this way with another woman. You have trouble ahead of you and you should cut him out of your life as soon as possible.

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