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Am I overreacting? He slapped me.

Tagged as: Dating, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (2 January 2009) 9 Answers - (Newest, 2 January 2009)
A female United States age 22-25, anonymous writes:

My Best friend is a guy and we have been best friends for almost 4 and a half years. A year ago we were at work,and I said out loud how much money he had,even though nobody had heard me, he got mad and lightly slapped me across my face.I got so mad,and he promised he wouldn't do it again. Last summer we were partying and drinking and got into a big fight,and i pushed him to get out of my way, and he grabbed me and pushed me down so hard that I had bruises on my chest. We didnt talk for awhile, and even though I was mad he made me see that it was my fault too. He promised he would never touch me again..

The night before New Years Eve we got drunk with our friends, and we were having a blast, and we started playing around wrestling, but he is alot stronger than me, and he slammed me down so hard, it made me upset and so I wanted to show him he cant do that, but he got on top of me and put his hands around my neck and told me to STOP! That made me angry so I spit in his face cause I couldn't breath, and he kept slapping me across my face in front of everyone until I stopped. and I have cuts on my arm but we don't know how i got them. He said really mean things about me in front of everyone, and I said mean things back. but I never wanted to fight in the first place.

Later on he crawled into bed with me and held me until I stopped crying and went to sleep. The next morning I looked in the mirror and my eye is all black and purple. :( We both decided it was our faults, so we aren't mad. But its still upsetting me. He had a very abusive dad when he was little, but he swears he is not like him, and never wanted to hit me. So we had to make up a story to tell people so they don't think he is a jerk.

I love him so much, and we used to be intimate. He was the boy I lost my virginity to. We are also moving out this summer and getting a house together and going to college together. He tells me all the time how much he cares about me,and he is always constantly calling me. He is My Best friend in the whole world and we have been through so much together. I just want to know if I am over-reacting? I cant leave him, I love him to much, and we have so much planned together for our future. I just need advise on what to do. Thank you.

View related questions: at work, best friend, drunk, lost my virginity, money

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A female reader, Befuddled1 United Kingdom +, writes (2 January 2009):

Befuddled1 agony aunt

He should not hit you, ever. Or hurt you.

If he thinks he can do this every time you say or do something he doesn't like he will keep doing it, all he has to do is tell you it wont happen again.

I know you love him but do you really want to end up a battered woman aren't you too good for that?

We don't want to read about in the papers.

You need to give him an ultimatum and stick to it....next time he hurts you...you're off!

I have never been hurt/hit by a man...and nor would I accept this!

Good luck

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (2 January 2009):

you need to watch him closely because remember he could inherit things from his father. Don't wait for a next time because it could be worst.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (2 January 2009):

Leave him. He had a abusive daddy, so what? does that give him a right to start being physichal with you? funny how he isn't doing this to his male friends isn't it? You see the warning signs, if you choose to ignore them then it be your own fault next time he'll hit out.

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A male reader, baddogbj China +, writes (2 January 2009):

baddogbj agony auntIt is never right for a guy to hit a girl BUT particularly if he has been in that environment as a child you do need to be careful not to lead him into situations in which that is his conditioned response because (and I don't say this in any way to excuse it) at a certain point it will almost be beyond his control.

Don't push him and don't get him into play fights because he can cross a line without ever knowing it. I'm glad to say that I've never hit a woman but I do know how lines can get blurred in a play fight and as a man it can get very confusing because we're conditioned to want to win fights. I've been play fighting with nephews (let's say 12 or 14 years old) who I love dearly and would never want to hurt but a very rapid escalation can happen within the confines of a play fight and I have found myself coming very close to being inappropriately forceful.

Its a little not getting dogs worked up. Even the friendliest dog can get excited enough and teased enough to be ready to snap at someone.

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A female reader, loner South Africa +, writes (2 January 2009):

loner agony auntWow that is a tough one. I dont think he means hurting you at all, it could be something he is afraid of since his dad is/was abusive, in most cases, children try and workout how they can either be like their parents or not like them, sometimes they really dont want to be like them at all but happen to have the same qualities as them. If it would work, i would ask him if he would see someone that could maybe find out what the problem may be. Im pretty sure he really does love you, and might be afraid everytime you do 'fight' with him his dad comes up, and seen as though you are smaller and weaker he will fight back. Communication is the best thing ever, talk to him and tell him how you feel, ask him how he feels about it, and work on it together.

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A female reader, loner South Africa +, writes (2 January 2009):

loner agony auntWow that is a tough one. I dont think he means hurting you at all, it could be something he is afraid of since his dad is/was abusive, in most cases, children try and workout how they can either be like their parents or not like them, sometimes they really dont want to be like them at all but happen to have the same qualities as them. If it would work, i would ask him if he would see someone that could maybe find out what the problem may be. Im pretty sure he really does love you, and might be afraid everytime you do 'fight' with him his dad comes up, and seen as though you are smaller and weaker he will fight back. Communication is the best thing ever, talk to him and tell him how you feel, ask him how he feels about it, and work on it together.

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A male reader, pinkey1981 United States +, writes (2 January 2009):

The first thing is, almost all the times this happened there was "Drinking" going on. People dont always think straight when they drink. Its no excuse but you both probably got rough with each other. Just tell him that he cant do that,he is much stronger and could hurt you. You need to set limits and tell him drinking or not, that the next time will be it. When abuse is early, its best to get out early.From what i see this is just drunken horseplay and he didnt realize he was hrting. Time will tell. If he ever balls his fist up and hits you..LEAVE. it will only get worse.

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A male reader, a_decent_1 India +, writes (2 January 2009):

a_decent_1 agony auntYou were both drunk and it is the fault of both of you.. Had this happened when you were sober, i would have said that you're right and should probably slap that guy..

But at the times you've mentioned when it happened.. It wasn't anybody's fault. Although you can hold him responsible for treating you like that even when drunk..

Now, you had sex with your

best friend.. So, that makes him your Friend with benefits. Please don't spoil the name of friendship by saying he is your BEST FRIEND..

G'day..

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A reader, anonymous, writes (2 January 2009):

honey, i dont mean to sound harsh, but that guy is a complete asshole. NO you are not overreacting, you have every right in the world to be upset and anger and hurt. if i were in your shoes i would have pressed charges! i understand that he has been a huge part of your life, but do you seriously think you were asking for it? NOTHING you said or did merits that kind of reaction from him. this guy has serious issues and needs professional help and anger management classes. hitting you for whatever reason is wrong, hitting you over and over and leaving bruises is so sick on so many levels. you need to wake up and realize that this guy is going to continue to abuse you if you let him. i would definitely rethink moving in with him because that is just signing yourself up to get hurt physically and emotionally in the future. honey, a real man NEVER EVER lays a hand on a women, not even playfully let alone on purpose. Do yourself a huge favor and drop this jerk out of your life. you deserve a better 'best friend' than that.

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