A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My gf of 8 months and i have been hitting it off great, discussing issues that come up. She recently informed me that she had dated one of her friends-- who we've both hung out with at parties on a lot of special events, ie birthdays etc. I was surprised and dont know how to feel or react, it hurt to not know until now. We talked about it and she says shes sorry, but im scared that she still has feelings for him that she hasnt sorted through, and thats why she didnt tell me for so long. It was weird, as I feel like i cant trust her as much anymore. When we talk about it shes very apologetic and i want to get over it.It would be helpful to hear if others had similar stories so i know im not overreacting. She's 30 i'm 34, but im her first longer term relationship since college. Thx
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 January 2017): From your update, it sounds like she didn't date him seriously at all.
I think it is most likely that she is eager and happy to show you off to him (as he dumped her). She can feel very proud and happy that she has moved on and has a GREAT boyfriend and a great life now! I don't think it's about hanging on to feelings for him...she just sees him as a friend and also has the additional bonus of truly being happy in her life with you, which she is proud of.
A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (4 January 2017):
 I think you are over reacting. It is more than likely she sees him as a friend and did not want it to be awkward so just didn't mention it to you. I am glad to hear talking about it is making it easier for you. Remember try not give her a hard time because she has actually not done anything wrong.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (2 January 2017): OP here -- First, thank you so much for your responses, it's really helpful to put into perspective. We've been talking about it, I'm still not 100% comfortable but the talking is helpful and getting to regaining trust. Some answers to your questions: - My gf said she had known the other guy for a year, they've been close friends throughout the year (got drinks etc) and "dated" for a month. Included in that date is going to a wedding together of his family member. They kissed but not much else and the other guy broke it off with her.- In terms of events where we saw this other guy, they were at different parties. But in particular the two that piss me off: (1) was at my gf's bday, around 12 people came to her dinner -She said she was uncomfortable and didn't invite him and that her roommate did, but I don't understand how she could not address this issue with her roommate, or even want to share her discomfort with me. This was 4 mo into the relationship. (2) at a party hosted by the other guy. This was 6 mo into the relationship and another great opportunity to tell me. - Additionally, at the beginning of our relationship we talked about how neither of us hung out with our exes (though we are on good terms with them). This is the gray area and the reason for her saying she didn't tell me earlier. She didn't hang out with him one on one, and that only one other person in their friend group knew they had dated at all. - The other guy has a gf (they started dating soon after he ended things with my gf), and that's why I think she might have residual feelings. I would feel more comfortable if she was the one that broke up with him. Also, they broke up around 4 mo before she and I started dating, which isn't that long of a time. Ultimately, if they had slept together I would feel way worse, but as it is it's not about whether they slept together or not -- it's mostly about how I feel disrespected and don't know if I can trust her to share her thoughts and feelings with me, and trust me to be able to handle the truth, which is what a relationship is about. Ie. When she was uncomfortable at her bday when he was there, why didn't she tell me? But, we're working on this, she's been really good at communicating about this issue. We don't talk about it everyday, but now and then bring it up.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (2 January 2017): Both kinds of past partners are important to know about. Past dating relationships and sex-only hookups. It has to be a totally platonic (and probably not very close) relationship to fall completely outside of this rule.
The point is that you deal with your partner's exes differently than you deal with "just friends". If they have dated someone then it means their relationship was not always all platonic. There was probably some attraction between them and they mutually have some history together. Etc. The boundaries you feel comfortable with them having today are different. The way you deal with this person will be different. Etc.
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female
reader, YouWish +, writes (2 January 2017):
 Sorry, I mean the FIRST guy she's slept with since the guy in college, making the guy she dated NOT a sexual relationship.
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female
reader, YouWish +, writes (2 January 2017):
What about if she hadn't slept with him?
The OP said that he was her first longer-term relationship since college. I didn't get the sense that this other guy and she had gotten sexual, and he pointed out his girlfriend's lack of experience.
Would you feel the same way if her past dating history with this other guy was NOT sexual?? I don't get that feeling here based on the OP's description.
Had she slept with the guy, then I'm on your side on this one, male anon. But my impression was that she had NOT slept with him, and that in fact her current boyfriend was only the second guy she's ever slept with since college.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (2 January 2017): Men don't like to be 'protected from the truth' when the past exes are still in the social scene in any way. Its not only about the relationship its also about the social picture. NO man EVER wants to be the last one in the room to know his woman has slept with someone else there. NEVER. It's a matter of respect among other men.
That example you gave about not bringing up having dated the guy across the room before? Men do want to know that.
If we have to learn info that we would rather not have known about our woman that's too bad. We don't come out of that room sorry that we were forced to learn the truth. We come away disappointed in her for doing it. It turned out to be a necessary evil for us to learn about it.
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female
reader, YouWish +, writes (2 January 2017):
Male anon - thanks for the reply, and interesting conversation, so thank you!
In your opinion, since you mentioned "multiple interactions", I have a couple questions for you.
1. Multiple interactions in this case means their JOINT interactions, since it was always in a public setting (parties and group settings where she, her boyfriend, and this guy she once dated were all in one place along with other friends). Do you believe it is a matter of the OP feeling humiliated about interacting with a guy he didn't know once dated his girlfriend?
2. In your opinion, when should she have told him? The dating wasn't serious, and it's not good for a first romantic outing to be full of "See that guy in the corner? I dated him once". When in the 8 months would have been more appropriate for her to tell him?
3. I don't know how long you have been on this site, but you must have seen the retroactive jealousy posts on here that show up often. If this OP suffers from it, and his wrestling with the fact that she dated some guy in the past could very well mean a possible issue with it, might she have done more harm than good in giving him details of her past??
I say all of this under the understanding that she was NOT seeing this past guy behind the OP's back, because that's what it sounds like, that she wasn't carrying on a relationship with the guy outside of group settings with her boyfriend at her side.
4. What makes you conclude that her omission was a deliberate lie to withhold rather than an oversight or a means to protect him against retro-jealousy?
Like I said, it's a good conversation, and I am seeking to understand your point of view without jumping to conclusions.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (2 January 2017): The problem is the whole principle here, not just the problems it has caused. The OP had the right to know. He shouldn't even be wondering WHY she kept quiet or what that might signal about her feelings.
It might have been a case of forgetting to tell the whole backstory after they met this guy the first time. But after 8 months together? Multiple interactions with this other guy? And then the OP finds out when she finally comes clean about it, not because it finally came out accidentally somehow?
She knew what she was doing. She made a decision to lie by omission for a while. That is lying, and lying about a guy who is not gone out of her life.
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female
reader, YouWish +, writes (1 January 2017):
I re-read it. The *only* mention of her interactions with the ex was here:
"who we've both hung out with at parties on a lot of special events, ie birthdays etc."
Note the "we've both hung out" portion of the text, meaning he specifically didn't say that she hung out with him alone, and the mention of parties and special events point out places where a lot of people are, rather than one-on-one dates.
I think you might have read into HIS fears - spelled out in this text: "but im scared that she still has feelings for him that she hasnt sorted through, and thats why she didnt tell me for so long."
Note the "but I'm scared" part. Understandably, he's worried that this is why he didn't find out for so long. She didn't lie to him, that much is specific. She just didn't inform the guy that this one was an ex.
I'll concede to you, male anon, that had it been me, I would have told my boyfriend earlier if another member of our mutual circle of society was an ex. I also know that each person's comfort level varies between people.
On one end of the spectrum, there's telling someone of your entire past love life along with names and dates right at the onset, and we're all taught not to bring up exes right at the start of relationships. On the other end, there's never telling an SO, which I don't agree with either.
The OP (and maybe you, male anon) was worried that she didn't tell him right away because she was confused about her feelings. I'd like to suggest an alternate reason based on the OP's own wording:
He referred to the other guy as "she had dated one of her friends", which says to me that this guy wasn't her "one other long-term relationship", and that the dating was a casual issue.
I got the feeling that she didn't tell him not because she was hiding feelings, but actually the opposite - that the dating was maybe one or two dates, and the feelings were never there to begin with. It was a "we dated once or twice but we never clicked" type of thing some years ago.
I get what you mean, though, male anon. I am NO advocate of lying to a partner either by a direct lie or a lie by omission, and anyone who knows me on here knows that I can be extremely judgmental regarding cheating or disloyalty, so I don't go for double standards of any kind whatsoever.
Her being extremely apologetic as well as her telling him of her own volition steers me to consider that this friend never at any time meant anything more than just that - a friend.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (1 January 2017): The OP's story makes it sound like their dealings with this ex went beyond just crossing paths at a party. Go back and read it again.
She probably never cheated. She probably never intended to. But that isn't enough to make this lie harmless.
She lied to her BF for a reason. She did it so she could keep hanging around with an ex without having her new BF's feelings about that causing any complications. She kept doing it for a long time.
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female
reader, YouWish +, writes (31 December 2016):
Male anon - she wasn't seeing anyone behind his back. If she were, that would be a much different story.
It sounds more like she and her boyfriend have the same circle of friends, and she just informed him that one of their friends was a guy she had dated in the past. I didn't get that she was hanging out with just him behind their back, but that the OP and his girlfriend had been to birthday parties and other special events where the friend/ex had also hung out at.
It's one of those "You know Devin right, from the New Year's party? I used to date him." type things. I don't think she didn't tell him because she wanted to keep seeing the guy. I would have probably told my boyfriend at the 3-month mark myself, but 8 months isn't exactly 2 years, and if she didn't do anything with this ex that was in any way disloyal to the current BF, then it's the past. She told him of her own free will and was very apologetic when he reacted the way he did. I don't think she broke his trust.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (31 December 2016): If my GF of 8 months told me that she had been seeing her ex behind my back that whole time, "more confident" is not what I would be feeling.
She probably meant no harm but SHE DID HARM. This needs to be recognized.
It is not insecurity or lack of confidence that makes the OP bothered by this. He would be acting like a doormat if he was NOT bothered by it.
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female
reader, fishdish +, writes (31 December 2016):
 I really wouldn't hold that against her. Some people are friends with their exes and just that, with no interest to get back together. I feel like she also may not have told you to protect you, thinking you might not take it well. Doesn't sound like it was a serious relationship since she hasn't had one of those in 10+ years. I understand the news could feel deceitful but I think she wanted to feel like there was mutual trust before introducing a player you could have seen early on as competition.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (31 December 2016): Did you stop and think for a sec that she didnt tell you because she was afraid that she will lose you if she did. That she didnt want to lose you.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (31 December 2016): This guy is not her "past". He has been in her present throughout your whole relationship. That means she owed you the whole truth about them from the beginning. No excuses. What if she had been hanging around one of her (known) ex-BFs without telling you? Anybody would agree that is wrong. What she has done is like that. Instead of telling the truth about their relationship and lying about still being in contact with him, she told you the truth about being in contact with him and lied about their relationship. It's the same bottom line for how it pertains to you and your trust. I think women underestimate how much of an insult this kind of deception is in the man-to-man sense. She probably did not intend to make you 'lose face' but that is what she has done.
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female
reader, YouWish +, writes (31 December 2016):
I don't think she broke your trust so much in that it was jarring to you WHEN she told you. You mentioned that your previous contact with him was when both of you hung out with a group of friends that included him. She didn't hang out with him alone while telling you that he was only a friend, right?
She didn't withhold from you this information. She told you of her own free will because at the 8-month mark, she felt your relationship had progressed to the seriousness that warrants disclosure of these things. You didn't find out from someone else. You found out from her, and that's telling.
Had this been 10 years from now, it would be a bit different. But the 6-8 months into a relationship is usually around the disclosure time for saying "I love you". She told you BECAUSE she sees "Long-term" when she sees you. You said that you're her first since college? She doesn't have a ton of experience, but she did the right thing.
You can trust her. She wasn't slipping out with the guy behind your back. The guy is in her past. She told you because YOU are her present and future.
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female
reader, Helpmeeee +, writes (31 December 2016):
That's a tough one!!, Do you really think that's She's sorry? If so then just forget about it and be happy with her. If not then do what you have to do and still be a good dad to your kid
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female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  + ♥, writes (31 December 2016):
 I don't really feel you have any right to demand/expect your girlfriend to tell you EVERYTHING about her past. Any relationships are in her past and over. She is now with you, out of choice, so why are you making her feel guilty? Keep doing this and next time you come asking for advice it will be because she has dumped you because she is fed up of you making her feel guilty all the time. And I, for one, would applaud her for doing it. I have been with my partner for over 10 years. Last year, when we were out locally, we bumped into one of my ex boyfriends from years ago. I lived with this guy for years and relocated to the area I am in now for him. However, our relationship ran its course, we split up and both moved on. I had not seen him for many years but we happened to bump into him at this function. He came over to say Hi and we chatted for a few minutes. I introduced him to my partner just by name. Afterwards, I didn't bother telling my partner this guy was an ex from years ago, and my partner didn't bother asking where I knew him from. Why? Because it is in the past and not important. Even if I had told him that this was an ex of mine, he would not have been bothered, because he is secure in our relationship and does not think I should not have a past or should tell him everything about it. Live in the present. Cherish your girlfriend and stop making her feel guilty, otherwise she will dump your sorry ass and find someone worthy of her.
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