A
female
age
30-35,
*oplessromantic92
writes:I met a guy on the internet. He is sweet, funny and we get on really well. He did tell me he suffered from depression and because I have supported a fair few people with depression I thought I would try. So I spent the night at his. I take life slowly so we kissed and slept, that's it. He wanted more as did I but this was only our 4th date. I felt the connection as did he (I think) we stayed up all night talking and he held me. Then a bombshell, he wakes up turns to me and says, 'I am always so disappoint when I wake up'. I asked why and the response was 'same old crappy life'.I understand depression is more then feeling sad and is an illness. Do I continue on? I like him and feel like we could be good together but am I kidding myself? I feel awful as an illness does not make a person but I have to wonder how a relationship could effect him.
View related questions:
the internet Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 October 2014): I totally agree with WiseOwl's excellent advice. There are good people with depression, and really crappy people with depression. I have depression and I treat others well. The last guy I dated had depression & PTSD, and I should have dumped him the first time he decided TO TAKE HIS MISERY OUT ON ME. Because of guilt and thinking I could actually help him, I stuck it out for 8 miserable months. He would complain all the time, shoot down every suggestion I had, and many times was so incredibly defensive that he would blow up at me when I was gave gentle, constructive advice. I had to walk on eggshells all the time around him.
I would suggest taking it slow and getting to know what kind of person he is, asking more about his depression and suggesting therapy if he's feeling that bad. If he begins taking things out on you, do not stay in the relationship, no way. That was 8 months that I'll never get back, and I'm even more depressed now because I had to hold in so much anger throughout the relationship. You can make suggestions and if won't take them because he prefers to remain depressed, let him go. Some people would rather complain than get better. Remember that it's not your job to save him - he has to want to save himself.
Best wishes, I hope he is a good guy who wants to feel better.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 October 2014): i was in a relationship for 4 years with a guy who has depression. (split up a couple of days ago)
I stuck with him as i thought i was helping him through the situation. We fell out through out the four year due to him accusing me of unfaithful etc. I am drained with all his antics. I know he will be fine but im thinking of me know as i have to get better.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 October 2014): There are different types of people. For each of us, there is someone compatible for who we are. Personalities that work in harmony. The ideal situation, is that both people within a committed-relationship are receiving what they need to make them feel fulfilled and satisfied to be with each other.
We come together for many different reasons. Sometimes there is a very special need. Meaning, something is missing or lacking from our lives; so we search to find a way to fill that gap or emptiness.
Some find a hobby or a means of expression and creativity. Some do work to help others. Some go into healing or answer a spiritual calling. They find positive and good ways to fill the void. They find ways that benefit not only themselves; but they have something to share and to offer others. There is a fair exchange of give and take. That sometimes isn't the case.
There are those that are completely selfish. They know they have nothing positive or tangible to offer.
They may simply turn to another person. These people turn to relationships to make up for their faults and weaknesses.
All about me, myself, and I. They have sob stories, and a legitimate tale of woe. It would be cruel to ignore their suffering. We all know people who are suffering. Worse off than ourselves. The may weigh you down with guilt if you reject them, and use their weakness as an excuse to getaway with hurting you.
We've all met people who seem to have it together. We know their lives aren't perfect, but they seem so content, level-headed, and strong. They are resilient. They seem so happy and optimistic. Even when they face adversity and crisis; they always seem to land on their feet. You don't know what their secret is, but you got to have it. You want to be around them to learn how they do it.
Suffering people sometimes enter our lives. Be it by fate or attraction. Everyone likes to be around people who have it together. Including people who have deficiencies; and who may be totally opposite of these productive and happy people. They are attracted to healthier people, hoping to draw from their strength, and discover their secret. Hoping by association or osmosis, they will draw from their strength and happiness. The weak turn to the strong for support. It's only natural and reasonable.
However; looking for support is supposed to be temporary. Until your situation improves, you get back on your feet, and you bounce back from illness, misfortune, or loss. Overstaying your welcome, and expecting a continuous
flow of support, is dependency. Demanding it, expecting it, and offering nothing in return, is parasitic and taking advantage. It is greedy and self-centered. It is down-right exploitative; when it is taken by force or deceit.
You should not take from others, what you can't give back. You have no right to. Illness is no excuse. We offer empathy, sympathy, and humane-support to those who are weak or are not well. We should not allow them to tear us down.
They should not drain us, or make us sick.
People with mental-illness do not always have a moral gauge or the capacity to realize when they are expecting or demanding too much. They don't always realize the inconvenience, or may not be cognizant when they are causing harm or emotional distress to others. That is a symptom of their illness. They are not at fault for that. That doesn't mean everyone is equipped to form romantic relationships with them. It doesn't make you a bad person to avoid them either. You shouldn't feel guilty for setting standards. Only when you set standards you can't live up to yourself. Expecting more than you can deliver.
Then there are some people who are mentally-ill who are quite crafty. They hide their sickness well. They only give you enough information about themselves to lure you in.
They are predatory and searching for victims. If you don't know what you're doing, you can fall into their trap.
These people deliberately intend to drain us of the very light in our souls. They take and take and take; hoping to destroy us. They don't really appreciate the support. Instead, they get narcissistic-supply and enjoyment from causing destruction of a good person.
They're miserable and hateful, resentful of their unhappiness. Not happy until they mow down everyone in their path. You, your friends, and family. Even their own. Unless you know the full nature of their diagnosis, and their prognosis; it is best to avoid people with a long history of mental-illness. You have to know their past and how they treat others.
You have to take a risk; because they have no need to submit intimate details of their lives and medical history; unless you have decided to form a long-term commitment, or contemplate marriage.
They should be forthcoming about their treatment and therapy. Show evidence they respond to their treatment; and their diagnosis should be explained fully, so you know what to expect from them. Then you need to hear from their friends and family who they really are. They may hold back not to be judged. They like anyone else, want love. Even if they can't handle it, and have the potential to be cruel and dangerous. In other instances, they may be completely dependent and helpless. Having absolutely no mental capacity to deal with a relationship. You'll feel like hell leaving; because they often threaten to harm themselves or may be suicidal.
Going into relationships with people with a diagnosed mental-disorder, bipolarity, or various forms of depression without a full understanding of how they function, is a risky undertaking. Legally, they may not be held fully accountable for breaking the law or assaulting you.
You are stepping into a situation that is unpredictable,
potentially harmful, and you may cause or be a trigger that can do them irreparable harm. Actually making their illness worse.
If you know the nature of this guy's depression. The full clinical diagnosis of his disorder, and how he is responding to treatment and get the green-light from his therapist or doctor. You can both look forward to a thriving relationship. Just bear in mind, he will not always be able to put your needs before his own. He will not be easy to cheer up. He will sometimes go off his meds and have relapses. His condition may be a chronic disorder and may deteriorate.
Well-meaning people may only see the surface, and never look at the whole picture. Giving themselves more credit for being able to handle situations than they can truly deliver. Getting in over their heads, is easier than getting out. Yes, you may be kidding yourself; unless you are an exceptionally strong person, with considerable patience, and you're not given to neediness and unmanageable insecurities. Then you'll be a burden on someone already suffering and dealing with mental-health issues.
Will being with you be better for him, or will you make his condition worse than it is? That is the bigger question!
...............................
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (1 October 2014):
 I say.. no. It'll drag you down. He needs to recover or at least be functional before he can enter a relationship, or else all that will happen is he will drag you down with him.
Is he in treatment?
...............................
A
female
reader, jls022 +, writes (1 October 2014):
I would advise against seeing someone with that attitude to be honest, and I'm talking from first hand experience.
My boyfriend and I have been together for 5 years now, and although he doesn't have a depression diagnosis, he does say similar things to what this guy does.
At first I thought he was stuck in a bit of a rut and I tried my best to be supportive, but in all this time he's never done anything to help himself. He won't go to see a doctor, he won't change his job or living situation, he won't make plans to travel (despite saying he hates our home country), and I'm starting to realise that I'm just a captive audience for him to moan to. He's realising, but refusing to accept, that life isn't all excitement and rock and roll.
It's draining having to listen to someone who is so negative and unable to see the good in life (I'm not saying the illness is his fault, but that doesn't make it any easier to deal with).
In your case, it sounds as if he does have a depression diagnosis, yet he still seems unwilling to get help for his condition. I would really advise against getting involved, as I'm now 5 years in, invested, yet getting nothing but complaints about how rubbish his life is. It's hard not to take it personally to be honest.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (1 October 2014):
 You know, when a person has a depression (and does NOTHING to get help) it spreads like ripples in water. First the people CLOSE to him will start to suffer (not from depression but from dealing with a depressed person) then people around them will suffer too.
YOU have help others during their depression, but YOU CAN NOT fix this guy.
You have the typical female attitude (and I don't mean that in a bad way) you think love and positive attitude will fix this guy. He will change because YOU like/love him and because he likes/loves you.
That is like buying a Fixer-upper house and having NO money or skills to fix it. You will end up annoyed and ready to quit.
My advice, if his FIRST words out of his mouth after seeing YOU there next to him is :
"'I am always so disappoint when I wake up'. I asked why and the response was 'same old crappy life'."
Then I'd honestly let him go. Instead of seeing a doctor or therapist he wants YOU to be a spectator to his pity parties and honey, THAT will drag you down. All you really do is enabling him in wallowing instead of taking steps to FIX HIMSELF.
I have been on BOTH sides of depression. It's not something you can "will" or "wish" away. There are many things you can do that doesn't involve taking meds - such as therapy, exercise, eat right (yea, food CAN have a positive influence, go figure). And so forth. But sitting on his ass and whine (to be blunt) won't fix it.
YOU have to decide if you want this for you. Because IT WILL affect you too.
...............................
|
