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Am I justified in feeling hurt by his remark,''he wished he'd known me when I was younger'' ??

Tagged as: Dating, Long distance, Troubled relationships, Trust issues<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (4 August 2015) 11 Answers - (Newest, 7 August 2015)
A female Philippines age 36-40, *haillee writes:

I am in a long distance relationship with my bf. During phone call he mentioned he is looking at my old pics and fantasizing on my photos. He said he wished he knew me before when i was younger.

I know i was slimmer before. During that time I freaked out and felt insulted. I told him that i felt like he doesn't like me now and wished i was slimmer and younger.

I felt hurt with what he said. He said he was just looking and the fact that it is still me and not other girls he is fantasizing. Am i overreacting? Or what he said meant something?

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (7 August 2015):

A female friend once said to me "you must have been soooo beautiful when you were younger" after telling me that lots of people still think I'm so pretty even at my age - I'm forty seven now, and it's difficult to take a "compliment" like this at my age, I can tell you!

It was very confusing! I didn't know whether to be complimented or offended. In the end I suppose I decided to be complimented but realised my friend was almost totally lacking in sensitivity - and, with time, this absolutely proved to be the case; if anything, I wish I'd seen this and many other 'red flags' she sent out, that I overlooked because at the time I really wanted a close friend. There were signs that she was, for example, incredibly controlling and selfish, whilst doing other things to try to seem caring. She had deep rooted "princess" and "anger" issues that came out when she drank too much and, one day, all her rage and anger came out at me when I was extremely unwell - she simply couldn't cope with an ill friend!!

I thought I'd let you know it's not just men who lack the "filter" WiseOwlE mentions - women can be like this too - just lacking in sensitivity to their friends. BUT, my advice would be to be very wary of other signs that come up showing he's insensitive- and act on them. At that time I was overcoming a relationship, trying to make new friends and telling myself I had to be more accepting of people in order to build a new bunch of friends - don't make the same kind of mistake I did, raise your game and don't lower it!!

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A female reader, Chaillee Philippines +, writes (6 August 2015):

Chaillee is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Wow this is my first time writing a question on this site and i really appreciate the answers I've got. I have thought about it and also talk to my bf.. I guess i was just too sensitive. I was enlightened by the fact that he wished he knew me earlier., and wished I was her girl since before. Yes we were hot during our high school days. Even me wished he was my bf few years back. But me we are happier because what matters is we end up together. I have to be honest he is just a lil insensitive with his comments and i take it in a bad way sometimes. :) :)

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A reader, anonymous, writes (5 August 2015):

hi...you are still really young by the way! and I am wondering if, being between 25-29 thus is why you have the perspective you have in regard to feeling he is almost saying you are past your best!

my partner and I are in our fourties and I look at pics of him when he was in his twenties and think i would have loved to have know Him then, but as in when I was that age too- because as a woman in her forties I wouldn't be attracted to a guy in his twenties now....but as i said from your perspective of your age I get where you are coming from.

He is your age I take it? Did he say what he meant? did he mean he wishes he knew you or he found you much more attractive then etc?

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A female reader, mystiquek United States + , writes (5 August 2015):

mystiquek agony auntWiseOwl gave some really good advice, as usual. None of us really know what the guy meant by his remarks. They could have been a sort of clumsy comment (as I hope) or perhaps he really does have a thing about how you used to look? Only he really knows. Go with how it makes YOU feel. If you uncomfortable or uneasy, don't hesitate to drop him like a hotcake. I know I mentioned my husband was really good looking when he was younger but I wouldn't want him to still be that way now 25 years later. I love him for who he is NOW. And this man should care for you as you are, not as you were. If he doesn't, he needs to go.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (5 August 2015):

It's one of those statements that doesn't sound as awful in your head, as it sounds when it comes out of your mouth. He apparently doesn't have a filter. Better toughen-up.

I have to agree with you that it was unflattering and an insensitive thing to say; but I really don't think he meant it as harsh as it was expressed. He should have kept the remark to himself. It is open to interpretation, and could be taken far worse; the more you think about it. Almost creepy, from one perspective. How much younger? You're in your 20's!

I really feel uneasy when women send men pics of themselves over the internet. I hope you were fully clothed, even if they were a bit provocative; you might regret sending too many. His slip may just be a true indication that he desires younger slimmer women; so don't be too gratuitous with selfies. Certainly don't offer him stuff that's too revealing or risque. Leave something to the imagination.

You're linked by social media; and sending intimate shots aren't something you can make him return.

You don't know with whom or how they'll be shared. So save the best for when you both are together. Otherwise; you better grow a thicker skin. You gave him the photos voluntarily, and they have now become his personal possessions to do whatever he pleases with them, and critique them as he wishes.

Either don't be over-sensitive about your body, or don't date. Like it or not, women are going to have to learn to take criticism, stop comparing themselves to other women (and porn actresses); and stop craving validation from men who probably aren't that great looking either. The richer, hotter, smarter, super-model types are not available to everyone. So God made a variety of types to suit every taste. Tastes do vary kiddo! Rather than be insulted, dump the jerk. Go find something local and available; who likes you just the way nature created you. Every curve, lump, and imperfection. You still have to be tough. Wimps fall apart and get dragged about like tissue stuck to a guy's heel.

Shake it off!

The world isn't always nice, so you can't be too wimpy if you plan to live in it for any extended period of time. Women do live longer than men! So choose wisely. Easy on sending out those pics; if your boobies or other private parts are exposed in them.

Set your standards higher than guys who don't have enough brains to realize they've said something stupid and insulting to you as woman; rather than allowing your self-esteem to shrink to the size of his pea-sized brain.

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A female reader, mystiquek United States + , writes (4 August 2015):

mystiquek agony auntAw...don't be too hard on the guy. I think he meant well but he isn't really good at expressing himself. As the others have said, it was a backhand comment. I don't think he meant to hurt you in any way.

My husband and I have even expressed the same thing to each other. I really wish I could have known my husband sooner in life. I have pictures and videos of him at 20 (I met him when he was 34) and oh yes, he was drop dead gorgeous, but it was much more than that. He was innocent and had this wide eyed look about him. He didn't date till he was 26 and I wish sometimes that I could have been the first girl in his life. We both went through some really hard times before finding each other. I just wish sometimes that we could have met each other when we were younger and have avoided all that pain and sadness.

I believe that could have been part of what your guy was referring to.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (4 August 2015):

Honeypie agony auntI agree with olderthandirt

I think it was a very backwards compliment. It was a "I wish I had known you back then because that would be I would have known you much longer".

I DO wish I had known my husband BEFORE he married his first wife. Life would be less complicated. And while he was good looking at 27 he was a hottie at 19.

Don't take it as an insult. You man is just not really great with compliments...

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A male reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (4 August 2015):

olderthandirt agony auntNot to be a pain in the backside..but it could simply be he thinks you were a real cute girl and wishes he could have been with you for a much longer time. It's always all about looks or weight. It could be that if you two were an item back then he would have had more ime with you. I for one keep a picture of my wife of 50 years on my desk of when she was in high school. I sigh when I look at it...not because she was thinner then or better looking but because I wish we could have grown up together. Give the dude a break on this one.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (4 August 2015):

May I ask how old is he?

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (4 August 2015):

Hi - I have said this exact same comment to a guy who was chatting me up on Facebook. He was gorgeous in his younger days & so I commented on that fact, after looking at some of his earlier photos. I still thought he was ok now too though.

So It doesn't mean that they don't like you now - just that your earlier photos were just more 'ideal' to him!

Unfortunately, the thing about photographs is they don't lie - and they do show a younger version of ourselves. I'm sure you must look at pictures of Brad Pitt or Debbie Harry for example & say "Wow - they were so hot when they were younger"!! It doesn't mean you don't like them now, just that they have changed.

I think you need to decide whether you base your relationship on 'good looks' or something more meaningful.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (4 August 2015):

its basically a backhanded compliment but in the mind of the guy he probably thinks he is twenty years younger himself.i should think that if he imagines that if he had met you at that time you would have been one red hot couple who would have stayed together through thick and thin, but as you both met later in life you know that it is not true as you were both no doubt involved with someone else. i can understand the irritation on your part because you quickly thought of all tbe negatives associated with your current age, but with that age also comes a certain amount of knowledge. Now you have to use that knowledge to decide if this guy is going to consistently get on your nerves with his hamfisted remarks and if that is the case you can do the kind thing and let him go as quickly as possible because he may be the kind of man who always puts his foot in things and wonders why its all gone wrong afterwards.You probably wanted someone to say something like " isnt it wonderful how lucky we are to meet later in life.." but he is just busy thinking " lucky me , i found a hot woman ..oh damn someone else had her then, oh no i wish it was me,oh hell, it is me, i am one lucky son of a gun! " But maybe you dont want a man so invested in appearances,maybe youre looking for more of a soul connection,maybe you need to think about exactly what you do want from a man and if this mans capabke of fulfilling your expectations.If not guve him a signed copy of your pick for him to drool over on his lonely nights and get out there with your head held high knowing you have added one more to your fanclub.

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