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age
30-35,
anonymous
writes: Me and my BF, both 25, been together for over 18 months now, but there's this girl he's friends with that really rubs me up the wrong way. She's a 20yr old single mother, and doesn't have much of a job. They used to like each other way before I came into the picture, but nothing ever happened of it. This girl full blown broke down and CRIED when he told her he was in a relationship with me. They've always been friends for years but I swear this girl is still set on having him for her own, and I think she wants a man to support her and play 'daddy' for her child. They are constantly texting, he is very much a figure of advice/counsel for her and her problems. But I think she talks inappropriately to him, calling him 'babe/hun/love' with xo's everywhere. He knows I don't like her and he is always transparent with me about her and the conversation's they have. Doesn't believe there's anything to be suss about and gets really annoyed with me when I say there is. I believe she's got ulterior motives - and he is just too oblivious to see, or choosing to not see it that way. Bottom line is that I don't like them constantly texting. Am I within my right to ask him to stop conversing with her, or am I just being an insecure bunny boiler? I don't care about him talkins to girls - just not this one who's got her claws out for him!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 April 2015): HiYou don't have to worry about whether or not you 'should' be having these feelings and if you are a bunny boiler or not. The fact is that you are unhappy about this and this is allowed. You are you and this is how you feel. The reason you are feeling like this is, because in my opinion, he is not behaving well towards you. If this other woman had a boyfriend that kept texting some other woman who he had a history with I really don't think she'd be fine with it. It's bothering you because his behaviour is something to be bothered about. I don't mean that he has feelings towards her or anything of that nature, but purely because it's not considerate or caring to your feelings to keep this sort of level of contact up. I had a similar situation many years ago, (I'm much older than a lot of people on this website)when my newish boyfriend was being called by the woman he had left for me and he kept going to see her because she was upset. I understood this and thought maybe she needed to see him again to get things straight in her mind or whatever. It happened twice and I said nothing. Then she called a third time and he was going to see her. I suddenly started feeling angry and thought 'No, enough's enough, this can't continue' I didn't wonder whether I was right to have these feelings, the fact was that I did. This is about being true to yourself and putting down boundaries about how you will or will not be treated. I told my boyfriend that this was now too much and that I would go and see this lady and let her know (nicely), that her behaviour was now unacceptable. I gave him the option to come with me or not. He very quickly agreed with me that this shouldn't be happening and he promised to sort it. He did and we didn't hear another word. This is not about being controlling. This is about saying, 'This is me, this is how I feel and I am uncomfortable about the tone of the texts she is sending you'. As you said, you don't mind him having friendships with other women because they are obviously appropriate, so you are not a controlling person. He is also good about showing you the communication, but it still bothers you so it's not right FOR YOU. In life, when you put down boundaries about how you will or will not be treated, this is how you gain respect. Bottom line is it's making you unhappy. He either realises that and sorts it, or, for me, it would be time to walk. You are not being unreasonable. I wouldn't ask him to end the friendship, that's his decision, just say that you're unhappy about the way in which she texts him and that if he chooses to continue like this with her, then this relationship isn't for you. If that is how you feel. I am only saying how I would handle it. As a friend of mine once put it, 'I cannot go around as if I am walking in a pair of shoes that are one size too small, I cannot hurt all the time'.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 April 2015): 'They are constantly texting, he is very much a figure of advice/counsel for her and her problems.'
She should get a girlfriend. Or her own boyfriend. He likes being needed and well she sounds like she needs all the help she can get.
She can get it from her family and her boyfriend or her girlfriend.
Some people say you have to trust him and what not but I don't think it's about trust at all.
He has deep seated insecurities that he needs to get over and he needs to stop playing substitute boyfriend to this woman. Can you imagine having children / a family with him and then having to compete with the friend and her child for his attention?
I had this situation in my relationship. She is now HISTORY. He recognises now that it wasn't a healthy friendship and he's happier without the drama that came with the friendship. If you are thinking longterm then you'll have to put your foot down. If he loves you the way he should then you won't need to put much pressure. he will distance himself to respect your feelings and the relationship. He will fix whatever saviour complex he has going on.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (1 April 2015):
 IF you trust him (and it sounds like you do with good reason) then let it play out.
He's transparent with what goes on with her.
Just because SHE wants something does not mean it's going to happen.
If you tell him to end the friendship it's controlling. IF he asks you for ways to get her to back off that's different.
Her feelings are NOT your problem or his.
It's true that many men are CLUELESS when a woman has eyes for him. But only because they are SO NOT interested in the woman who wants him, they just don't see her that way.
Women like that however will take anything he says or does as a sign that they have a shot even when they don't.
I always get a kick out of telling my DH "she is hot for you" and he's clueless about it.
I would suggest that if he is aware of what she WANTS and wants to REMIND her of her place he can say "my girlfriend says" on a regular basis when giving his advice.
All he needs to do is throw you in her face say every second or third comment back to her... eventually she will tire of hearing of you. but only if that's what HE wants.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (1 April 2015):
 JUST because SHE "might" be out to sink her claws into him, doesn't mean he will FALL for it.
What you are saying is that you "trust him, but not HER - that is not how trust works. Either you think he can HANDLE being friends with her or you don't.
HE was FRIENDS with her before you came along, do you think he will drop her if you demand it?
And personally? I don't think it's a partner's "right" to decide who their BF/GF/Fiance/Husband/Wife can be friends with. That is controlling. The fact that you FEEL entitled to TELL him because it's your right? No.
I get that you find it iffy because they have a past, and THAT would be my ONLY reason for this advice. Tell him you think he needs to tone down on the "advice uncle" for her. Explain that from where you stand him always being there for her in THAT capacity gives her HOPE that he will WANT her for more. IF he doesn't understand that then he is either more dense than rocks or he is ENJOYING being "Uncle Advice" and she is a "higher" priority than you.
Ask him how he would FEEL if you were CONSTANTLY texting with an ex yo used to have sex with. Ask him if he thought that was a good thing. Maybe he needs a little perspective.
Another thing here, YOU are making HER the problem - but you know what? YOU are not dating her. YOU are dating him.
She can't "steal" him from you. People aren't a packet of gum.
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