A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My LDR BF said he wants to move in with me and asked me to find him a job at the company where I work.He has been working as a part time delivery boy for a local restaurant for about a year after I've known him. Then he hurt his toe and said he needed to take time off. It's been a year, his toe has been fully healed ages ago!! Yet he is still not back to work. He receives a lot of pressure from me and his family to find a job but does nothing. Mainly sleeps, eats, shops for clothes, and drinks with his buddies. Now, his family wants him to move out and relocate to where I am and stay with me and find work here. Both him and his family think it's a good idea.I work at a Medical Device company of about 40 employees. I manage the entire company from staff to production. Aside from the owner, I am the one in charge. I am able to find a position for him in the company but am afraid that he will rely on me and slack off. He is lazy, he can't work full time. I also don't want him staying with me as that will mean free room and board. Him and his family does not understand me and thinks I'm not willing to help him. He is 30 years old. He should be able to go out and find a job on his own and pay his bills. It's not that I'm not willing to help, but I'm against handing him every thing on a silver platter. He needs to make the effort. I'm not sure why but I feel like a horrible person now. Am I in the wrong? Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, maverick494 +, writes (12 March 2016):
Okay, let me tell you a story, a true story of my late uncle. The relevance to your current situation will become apparent soon. My uncle was the youngest of 3. Growing up he could have as much coca cola as he wanted, he could stay up long, get home drunk and they gifted him his first car too. All things, his two siblings, my father and my aunt, wanted but were never allowed or never got. If they wanted something, they had to work for it. My uncle didn't.
His first job was at a construction company when he was 23. My dad was working there full time and arranged the job. He had to do the legwork, bringing in supplies. My dad had spent the morning doing the first half, to show how it was done and where everything had to go. My uncle brought in one shipment, then he 'tripped' and 'twisted' his ankle. (No-one had seen this happen). He promptly exclaimed he couldn't work anymore. My dad's boss was angry because he saw laziness when it was in front of them and my dad was angry because it reflected badly on him and because meant he had to do the rest of his brother's work for him, on top of his own duties.
My uncle's next job was volunteering for the fire brigade. Then he suddenly stopped showing up when they needed him. He thought it was too tiring and he spent quite some time creating a crafty excuse that gained the sympathy of his parents.
His life went on like that. A string of jobs, mostly arranged by others, and he never held out for longer than a year or two.
He got a girlfriend, who turned wife, and they got kids. She had a good career and pulled all the weight in the household. As a kid I remember her coming by our house to ask my dad and mom for advice on how to deal with him, because he just wouldn't. do. anything. Her hard earned money went down the drain. He didn't seem to care much for the kids either. My grandmother wouldn't hear a bad word about him, insisting he was just 'sensitive', so she came to us.
Then he started drinking. He became violent towards her. After showing up at our house with a black eye, my mom and dad arranged for her and the kids to stay with us until she divorced him. This was after 10 years of miserable marriage. Even afterwards she encouraged him to be a father and play a role in their lives. He put in minimal effort.
He kept his unhealthy habits, leaning on his parents for money. He became a diabetic. He was in and out of hospitals very often. They told him to change his habits, but he thought it was too hard.
In february 2011, he drove by my house to show the new car he'd gotten from my grandmother. Stepped out, fell over. Heart attack. I spent half an hour trying to save him, and when the ambulance finally came, they brought him back from the brink of death.
His ex visited him. "You have to do something. Please, I do still want our kids to have a father." The doctors said that if he ate right, took his medication, he could live for quite a while. A month later, he was dead. After he'd gotten out of the hospital he just continued the way he did before. The healthy food my dad had prepared for him in meal sized batches lay untouched in the freezer. He was 47.
What I'm trying to say is: some people just don't have anything driving them. Some of them found it, some of them don't care. My uncle was of the latter. He led an unremarkable life, coasting by on his parents' and our generosity. He was bitter and often unpleasant. I don't miss him. Sometimes I feel sad because of what became of him, but that's it. Your boyfriend, if you want to call him that, sounds very much like my uncle. A weak mind and no drive to do better. A very bad combination.
Don't waste your time like my uncle's ex did. She spent years trying to get him to become more than he was, and he never did. He never wanted to, even though he said he did.
Trust me, behavior is pretty ingrained by now. He will not change. This is who he really is. He will be like my uncle, except alive if he's lucky. Will you be like my uncle's ex wife? Do you want to be?
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (11 March 2016):
 Are you in the wrong ?... Honestly ?...
Yes , you are in the wrong ; you are in the wrong in HAVING a 30 y.o. lazybones, freeriding boyfriend whose most impressive accomplishment so far, and highest aspiration if any , is a part time delivery boy job. But only if he really MUST wprk.
You are in the wrong in not respecting yourself and not believing that a woman like you,with financial stability, a good career, an education and in the prime of your life, deserves and needs something better than a big moocher and a human pet rock like your bf ( eats, sleeps, drinks- that's all he does basically. How interesting ! ).
You are selling yourself short and this is wrong.
His own flesh and blood are sick of his scrounging ways, that's why they want to fob him off to you , and you still wonder whether you should enable him, or not ?
Pardon me but, ... what is this, are you under an evil spell ?...
Notice that I am not saying this just because he is unemployed since a while. There's no shame in being out of work. That could be just sheer bad lack, or a bout of depression.
But I too remember your previous posts ... and based on them, it seems like your relationship is mostly a struggle :
his constant struggle to separate you from the contents of your wallet, and your struggle to fend off his attempts.
Luckily so far you have been not too weak, and he has had to make do with the crumbs, not the more substantial bites he had in mind . But ....isn't this EXHAUSTING ? Don't you ever get tired to always have to deflect his attempts to use you ?!
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 March 2016): Easiest answer I've given today. NO!
He's a grown-man and should not move-in until he can contribute to the living expenses. That's a common-sense answer; and you shouldn't have to ask anyone.
...............................
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (11 March 2016):
 Nope! He’s going to have to find his own personal daycare center if his family are fed up enough to ask him to move to a city away from them.
So, what exactly do you see in this guy?
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 March 2016): Do not get him a job at your place as it's your reputation at stake.
He doesn't sound like a prize, and from your words, you don't have any respect (quite rightfully) for him in his current situation. I have to echo some of the other aunts here: find a new, grown-up BF
...............................
A
female
reader, Ciar  + ♥, writes (10 March 2016):
 Not in the wrong at all.
His family is understandably fed up of supporting him which is why they're so eager for him to move in with you.
Thankfully this is a LDR so he and his family are some distance away instead of just up the street.
I suggest you put your foot down. Even if you feel guilty don't let anyone see it. They'll give up trying to reason with you if you show, early on, that you're not interested in what folks think of you.
...............................
A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (10 March 2016):
 If you are wanting to stay in a relationship with him well then yes you should help him find work and be a supportive girlfriend, but no you should not employ him, as this would be a disaster, you say he is lazy so he will take advantage off you, and this will show at the workplace. So no you should not feel like a bad person, if his family give you grief just tell them there is no work end of conversation.
Now as for him moving in with you, if you want to be with him, then naturally that should be a step you are both aiming for. If it is well then you need to discuss splitting all bills and him paying rent. If he does not agree to this, well then he is not ready to commit to being an adult or looking after himself.
...............................
A
female
reader, WhenCowsAttack +, writes (10 March 2016):
Oh, my. It would cause so many problems for you at work and home if you did that.
I can already see the accusations of favoritism, him expecting special treatment and you being torn because he lives with you, him pouting if he doesn't get his way,not to mention how poorly all of this would reflect on you as a professional.
Your instincts are right. They are just sick of his crap and want you to pick up the slack. Don't do it.
And forgive me, but why are you with this loser again?
...............................
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (10 March 2016):
 You are NOT wrong at this point.
IF you do as he and his family ask THEN you WOULD BE WRONG.
enabling him to continue to be a child (he is behaving as a child does) is not helpful to him.
I would not get him a job at your place...rather I would provide him with local job listings.
I would NOT let him move in with you AT all...not even "until I find a place" as that will NEVER happen once he's in your place.
Instead I would send him lists of local apartments in his price range.
Give a man a fish and he eats for one day
TEACH a man to fish and he can feed himself forever.
...............................
A
male
reader, Denizen  +, writes (10 March 2016):
 It sounds like he has a great life: "Mainly sleeps, eats, shops for clothes, and drinks with his buddies." No wonder he isn't in a hurray to get back to work.
What you must NOT do is have him in your work place or living at your home until he is self reliant.
By all means try and help him to a job somewhere else. If he worked for you and you had to discipline him or release him that would be a nightmare.
Don't mix work with pleasure.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (10 March 2016):
 Nope, you are not in the wrong.
The parents are looking for a replacement of "themselves" to take care of him and because you have put up with this guy for that long they presume you are the most likely candidate.
His parents failed in instilling a sense of pride in having independence, in paying his own way. Yet, I will not blame the parents only here, HE knows what is expected of ADULTS. He knows they HAVE a job, take care of themselves, their partner, sometimes even one's parents and siblings.
His parents have now decided that it is TIME for him to GET OUT and GROW UP. But of course they know he isn't willing to do it on his own, so they make YOU take the responsibility for him.
Honey, you have written so many posts about this guy (if I'm not mistaken, this is the guy who wanted you to "loan" him $10,00 so he could have a car, he is the guy who pays for nothing but let his GF (you) FLY down to see him "loan" him and buy stuff online for his family who DO give him money that he NEVER pays back to you, am I right?)
If so, WHAT will it take for you to realize you are dating a parasite? A maybe nice person, but good for nothing partner.
If I were you I would NEVER in a million years help him get a job at the place where I work, specially since you are in a high position. I can IMAGINE the damage he can do to your credibility and to the company as well.
IF he wants to move to where you ARE, he needs to get online and FIND a job beforehand. Which I seriously doubt he would.
...............................
|
