A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi everyone, I'm hoping to gain some advice away from the judgements of my family.I met a guy through my work who asked for my number, we text for quite sometime and found we had so many similar interests and outlooks- it kind of felt like fate. After texting for quite some weeks, he asked my age (not knowing until this point) and I told him, and he was quite taken aback and hadn't realised this before. So it turns out that this guy (S) is 16 years older than me, this however had never sparked an issue and we decided to go on a few dates.All started out well, he wanted to see me all the time and made an effort to pick me in the first few weeks of dating. This however has slowly been slipping and i've been seeing him less. He says he has more responsibilities than me (he has two flats he rents out, a full on job, bills etc which I currently don't) but i can't help but feel like this is a bit of an excuse, or am i being selfish because i'm young and don't 'get it'?He's very supportive of my studying and although the age gap is large it's something that we haven't really discussed. He has mentioned that if he would of known before getting to know me then he probably wouldn't of 'gone there'. I sort of respect that because this guy has very high morals, he does not believe in facebook and keeps himself to himself. This guy is also quite possessive and has made comments about men looking at me and he gets quite verbally aggressive towards people. He has also seen messages from people come up from my phone and gets quite angry questioning me who it is.On the other side, S is very very emotional. It's like no other man i've met, he's one of the deepest thinkers i've come across and to share that with him makes me feel less isolated. We have a laugh, we have talked about the future seriously and i'm really into him.So with all this taken into account, I'm kind of stuck. i've mentioned certain things to my mum and step dad (my stepdad insanely went to school with this guy and has a pretty good idea of what he's about) all my stories about his sometimes possessive and angry behaviour, my mum now has a low opinion of him. She keeps saying to me to not waste my life and start living, going out and having fun. I have stopped going out into town so much because S dislikes the 'town culture' and i've also never been one to enjoy it so much.My question is, do you think I should tone it down with this guy? Am I going to look back and regret being settled at a young age with an older man?Thank you in advance!
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (21 May 2015):
 SVC don't cheat, lol. You are supportive of age gap relationships... when the man is younger- for some reason, I just can't picture you paired up with some gentleman in his 70s... can you ?:)
Anyway OP, I'll be banal and I'll repeat what most posters have said- because it's true.
Here the real problem is not his age ( although, 16 years more IS a big age difference which surely would pose challenges and COULD make you regret your choice )- the real problems are his domineering personality and angry attitude . Very bad signs , they speak of the shape of things to come.
If I were you.. I'd listen to Mom- how come nobody trusts Mum anymore :) ?...Mom knows you very well, more than you'd think, and if she says this guy is not what you really want and need,... I'd give its proper weight to Mom's opinion...
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (21 May 2015):
 I am very supportive of age gap relationships. If the only concern is that age gap. IN this case, the concerns are more about the person you care about.
He is abusive to strangers... he will be abusive to you worse than anything you see in person, that comes with time and that behavior escalates over time.
Being possessive and jealous are signs of insecurity and immaturity... just because he's chronologically older than you, does not mean he's more mature.
You have stopped doing what you like (going to town) to please him..... that's just the first step of him controlling you.
I strongly urge you to end this relationship due NOT to his age but his behavior.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 May 2015): Hi Your Mum has a low opinion of him because she has more life experience and from your description can tell exactly what he's like. As can all the aunts and uncles here. You're thinking yes but he's great, he makes me laugh, we share deep thoughts etc etc and I'm not putting that down but it doesn't eradicate his abusive behaviour towards you. He is manipulating you for all his might and you don't see it, because of his other great qualities. He wouldn't do that to you right? WRONG. He doesn't like 'town culture'. Ask yourself 'What on earth does that mean?' It means that he wants to put you off going into town and meeting someone else. He knows that if he tells you he doesn't like it, you won't either, because you might be easily swayed. He doesn't believe in Facebook. What does that mean? That means he doesn't want you to go on it and find someone else or chat to other men because he won't like it. As another aunt has said and I thought too, 'He was surprised at your age and he wouldn't have gone there?' Really??? How clever he is at hiding his tracks. If he was that concerned about it he would have finished it when he found out, but he ain't blind, he knew your rough age from the beginning.Sorry about telling you all this, it must seem like a bombardment, but I want you to realise, as does everyone here, that although this man can act great and moral, he ISN'T great and moral. We've been around longer and experienced these kinds of men and it sticks out like a sore thumb, what he's doing. Verbally aggressive is meant to be intimidating for you, so you will be compliant and passive. How he wants you. Verbally aggressive almost always leads on to physically abusive with all that that entails. How do I know? Been there with a man who sounds VERY much like your partner now. I can hear myself in your own words. Oh he's this and that and great and wonderful. My ex was too, he had a great personality (when it suited him), funny, SO attentive, loving, made me feel special blah blah. In between, he was the worst man I ever met, made me feel small and scared and very anxious. Twice he put me in fear of my life. PLEASE wake up and smell the coffee!! Please read 'Why Does He Do That' by Professor Lundy Bancroft. Your partner's behaviour is all down there in black and white. This book will explain so much to you and can start educating yourself about men like this, so when you hear the charm, the lies, the manipulation and the control, you will see and hear it for what it is.Good luck xx
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 May 2015): Without meaning to sound rude, unless you look considerable older than your age , I find it hard to beieve that he didn't know you were so young
It cannot be ignored that many men now days are threatened by women their own age and seek younger women in order to feel more adequate. This can be particularly true of controlling men
The two issues you raise , his apparent 'total surprise' of your age and the controlling habits should ring alarm bells
I suggest perhaps taking a break and spending some time with friends away from him in order to rebalance and get some more perspective on what is really going on here
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (16 May 2015):
 I would say YES! you will regret being with this guy NOT because of the age gap... but because of his behaviors.
YOU are young and haven't had much dating experience, so you may think that possessiveness and controlling attitude equals strong emotions for you, but it doesn't. IT equals BIG RED FLAGS.
My guess is... He is dating YOU BECAUSE you are young and doesn't know "better" (no offense) because he can MOLD you.
You mom and step-dad WANTS to keep you safe and they BOTH feel he is NOT someone for you. Your Mom understand that his attitude is not a good thing, it's a WAY bigger issue than his age. And your Step-dad didn't have a SINGLE positive thing to say... Now he may even have held back (a LOT) because he doesn't want to PUSH you into dating this guy out of defiance. (because SO many younger people think they parents just don't "get" it... WE DO. We have been there, done that, got the T-shirt and burned it.) So LISTEN to them.
This guy is already trying to isolate you. No Facebook, checking your phone, not wanting you to go to town... and THAT is just the beginning.
He made an effort to woo you in the beginning, getting you hooked and now that he thinks you "believe he hung the moon" he pulled back, making you think you aren't good enough or maybe you are too young or too this or too that... You are no longer a priority. He even pulled the whole.. I'm a grown up and have responsibilities, like he was talking to a 5 year old...
You think his ANGER won't turn on you at some point? Well, think again!
I will say this as PLAINLY as I can.....
Honey, THIS is not a guy you want to be with. NOT at ANY age.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 May 2015): Ummm... YES!Without a doubt. If only the age issue worried you,I'd be cool with it, I guess (if everything else matched) BUT it does not.You're worried, you're doubting this, you're posting here. Cut the cord. Cut it FAST,cut it LOOSE.Alsoooo,not to sound mean (though I probs will), how come this guy has NEVER found a relationship that's lasted till now? You haven't mentioned any. IF they are NOT, now you know why...By his age, people have normally settled or hell even divorced. For me EVEN a divorced guy would be better at that age than a one who has never BEEN in a long-lasting relationship.Something about NOT being able to compromise is irking me in guys who are older+never had long-lasting relationships.ALSO,he is the same age as your step-dad??? That would put me OFF straight away.
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A
male
reader, mfj78 +, writes (15 May 2015):
HiLets put the age gap to one side for a moment.If your BF gets verbally aggressive with people for showing you attention then that's a big red flag. Aggression of any kind in a person is not good and although it can be flattering to a young adult to have a partner who is possessive and wants to "fight off" all competition, you need to see the bigger picture. His aggression, possessive nature and questioning of who you are talking to on your phone shows he is insecure and has control issues. Such a situation is never good in any relationship but when an age gap is added to the mix it often gets worse as the insecurity on his side that you will leave for a younger guy is always in his mind. To talk about "settling" with this man after what appears to be a short time and with his issues of aggression and possession is foolish in all honesty. You say he has high morals but tis a pity those morals don't extend to stopping himself getting aggressive with others who show you any kind of attention.Men like that will work hard to cut you off from friends, family and the competition for his attentions due to insecurity. If your family have a low opinion of him then its tempting in early adult hood to see that as your parents not letting you be independent or treating you as a kid, trying to control you or whatever, but they are more experienced than you are. Clearly they see something you don't, or don't want to see, in him. Maybe he is deliberately trying to come between you and your parents as he doesn't like anyone else paying you attention due to his insecurities? Ive seen that so many times. With respect you are still very young. At most you are 21 and still becoming an adult. Yes you are over 18 but becoming an adult takes longer. What you want from life and your future NOW is not the same as what you will want in a year or two from now. You are changing, maturing, learning and being shaped by life experience into a different person - an adult. Its too young to be thinking about the long term and settling down. You are still studying and you will find that as you leave behind your studies and take on responsibilities that you will become a different person with different needs. Only then should you think long term. For now concentrate on enjoying being young and gaining experience. To settle down and be happy with have to find ourselves first. Experience different people and different things so we have comparisons and experiences good and bad to make us aware of what we want and what we don't. By all means enjoy relationships but please take into account that you are still young and developing.Meeting an "deep thinker" when we are young who shares our view point can feel special, but as we get older and more experienced we realize that sometimes a deep thinker can keep us focused on our issues and insecurities rather than allowing us to move on as well as offering a few to many issues of their own.Lads your age are lacking the maturity to express their feelings and do the deep thinking stuff, meeting an older person who understands our feelings is likely to make us feel good, less isolated and understood, but at his age he should have left that behind a bit more and accepted the faults of both himself and the world around him. As we take on responsibility a deep thinking partner can become quite trying to be honest. Now the age gap. Im 37 and probably around your BFs age. There is now way, with the greatest of respect, that I would date an 18 - 21 year old. Im sorry if you find this patronizing but when you get to your thirties you realize just how young 23 is let alone 18. For sure 18+ is legally an adult but non of us wake up on our 18th birthday with all of the experience, knowledge, maturity and life experience we need to be an adult. That takes time and although most of us feel grown up in that age group, its only when you get older and look back that you realize how much you have learnt, changed an matured since then.I have no issue at all with age gap relationships but when you have a guy well into his 30s in a relationship with an 18-21 year old I have to question his maturity sorry. A man of his age SHOULD be at a different maturity and experience level from someone your age and want very different things from life. He has a lot of responsibility to juggle and many constant "life problems" to solve. You are still studying and yet to have that responsibility so, even without the age gap, you SHOULD be two different people with different outlooks and needs. You are a young adult struggling with your battle for independence, maturity and with finding your self as a person sexually and emotionally. He SHOULD have left that behind and moved on, yet in that respect you sound like two peas in a pod which again makes me question his maturity. You have stopped going out into town, its come between you and your family and he gets aggressive with male friends and demands to know who you are talking to. I suspect women his own age have the independence and maturity to either pass him by or let him go very quickly. Mark
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 May 2015): you are being steadily isolated and could try a drop in help centre to talk things over.If you are sexually active you can go for an sexual disease check. You can ask the doctor if you can have a private chat with a nurse or counsellor ..tell them you are getting drawn into a relationship with a controlling person who is a friend of your step dad.They will help by talking to you. Is your step dad a person who sexually abuses you or is it just this other guy who thinks he can mess around with a youngsters life?
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A
male
reader, Over 50 advice +, writes (15 May 2015):
 You keep going back to the age but the bigger issue is his anger and his controlling attitude. I would listen to mom and stepdad before this turns for the worse. He doesn't believe in Facebook? that won't score points one way or the other. Sounds like you already have regrets but want to use his age as a problem, if you were his age would you put up with this control?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 May 2015): Yes,I would say that he is already having a negative effect on your life and i cant imagine he is worth it. Controlling and deceptive.If he knows your step dad he may even have targeted you for his own particular reasons. Possessive and angry behaviour is bad news.He may well have a facebook account but tells you he doesnt.He may well have a job and a coupla flats or house but i could imagine he has a wife and children as well. Keep mum informed and talk to her. Dont let him cut you off from her..some of these people have very devious intention. You can get rid of him with two phone calls..one to the police to see if he is linked to criminal activity, violence to women , or young females he befriended who suddenly disappeared because 'they fell out with family' etc and the other to him in mums presence telling him that you have met someone new and ypou no longer want contact with him
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 May 2015): Yes,I would say that he is already having a negative effect on your life and i cant imagine he is worth it. Controlling and deceptive.If he knows your step dad he may even have targeted you for his own particular reasons. Possessive and angry behaviour is bad news.He may well have a facebook account but tells you he doesnt.He may well have a job and a coupla flats or house but i could imagine he has a wife and children as well. Keep mum informed and talk to her. Dont let him cut you off from her..some of these people have very devious intention. You can get rid of him with two phone calls..one to the police to see if he is linked to criminal activity, violence to women , or young females he befriended who suddenly disappeared because 'they fell out with family' etc and the other to him in mums presence telling him that you have met someone new and ypou no longer want contact with him
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