A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:In January I found out that I'd been offered a promotion at work. A fantastic opportunity to change my life, but it involved 6 months living abroad. My girlfriend of 4 years didn't want me to go initially, but after talking things through she agreed that it was too good of an opportunity to turn down. She came out to visit me 2 weeks ago and I have suspected something is wrong. She has told me bit by bit over the past two weeks, but she has been meeting up with my best friend of 9 years and having sex while I have been away. My best friend also has a girlfriend of 7 years. She tells me that she never wanted them and only ever wanted us, she just felt so alone and second best to my job that she became so low and started looking for companionship elsewhere. Am I being stupid if I forgive her and give her a second chance?
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male
reader, Capri2  +, writes (9 July 2017):
I agree with aunt honesty here. 99% of the time a couple doesn't work again after cheating. And by "doesn't work" I don't mean you can't be together. But it will never be the same. And it will never be even close to "the same". You won't be able to trust her again. Sooner or later you will be find yourself with doubts about what she just told you. What she just did yesterday. You will fight over other stuff and you will go back to the cheating thing. Even if she stays faithful, you will have the past cheating over her head at some point. It won't be good for you, and it won't be good for her either.
A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (29 June 2017):
 I cannot tell you what to do, but from personal experience it didn't work for me. I could never trust my ex again no matter how much I wanted to or how much I loved him. I was always paranoid he was talking to other girls and it simply made me unhappy.
Personally loneliness is not an excuse to cheat. The fact that she is making excuses tells me she is not being honest with you. It may have been forgivable if it was a one night stand, but with your best friend? Seriously? They both deserve each other it is a disgusting way to treat you, and she obviously doesn't hold much love for you if she is so easily led to bed. Personally I could never forgive this, it would always be in the back off my mind. What happens if you ever have to go away again? Or she is away?
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (29 June 2017):
 Your former best friend needs to know that you are aware of his dirty deeds! If your girlfriend is serious about trying to repair the damage done he needs to know that he is no longer part of your circle of friends. Let him know that you wont be lying for him either, if anybody, INCLUDING his girlfriend asks why the friendship is over, tell the truth.
Let your girlfriend know this is the way it is.
I know a woman who cheated with a man from the same social circle .... her marriage survived (no children when it happened, now lots of grandchildren and a strong family network exists), with work and true forgivness from her husband, the other guys wife was not able to forgive and that marriage failed.
So there is proof that relationships can survive cheating, it depends on honesty, truth, forgiveness and a willingness to work together. It really depends on how YOU feel and if you believe the love between you is strong enough to grow with this in the background.
PS the couple I told you about - it was a small country town so every now and then somebody would bring it up, there are some people who will never let it be forgotten. Can you cope with that?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 June 2017): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks all. She is out here with me still and is showing real remorse and regret for what she has done. She says she will stay till the end of my time here to begin to rebuild my trust in her. I have agreed to take each day as it comes with her and see if I am able to forgive and continue our relationship.
The best friend is certainly out of the question as he is still pursuing her and asking her to come back and be with him. The fact that she is not going suggests to me that she wants to try and fix this.
It's a tough time and I still don't have a final decision, but I do genuinely appreciate all of your advice so far.
Thank you.
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A
male
reader, Capri2 +, writes (28 June 2017):
Looks like she let you go for having an excuse for finally having sex with your friend. Yes, staying with her would be stupid. You can dump her and then forgive her and move on.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (27 June 2017): If you don't want to keep getting cheated on then you have to get rid of at least one of them for good - either the friend or the GF.
I suggest both.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 June 2017): to forgive her you would be right but you will not forget, how would you feel about being in a open relationship how would she feel about it if that is what you bought want then ok but if not walk away . no matter how much you forgive her you will not trust ther again , I can't think did you say yhow long you will be away but you will have the idea of her cheating behind your back all the time your away and then when you get home each time she is late getting home , if it was noce off it would be best to try put this behind you but in how you worded it, it looks as you think it was more than once ,"and having sex while I have been away" you all so now have an exfriend as a true friend does not shag a mates girl , and he was cheating on his gf , you will not be going down to the pub with him when you get home.think of what way you will feel about all if you were to go home next week , will you be saying thank you for looking after my gf while I was away, will you be saying to the gf it is in the past , don't think of how you feel now when away it might cloud your mind, this is why I say think of when you get home, then if you can forgive her and be happy that is ok with me, but if your going to live the rest of your life think is she off with him or other forget her
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A
female
reader, Caring Aunty A +, writes (25 June 2017):
 We all get lonely at one point or another, but resorting to sex with your best friend for companionship reasons etc. is a low blow from both of them! Sex with a stranger could have been less devastating? But your best friend categorically jumped at the opportunity and betrayed you too.
Certainly they didn't just have it off once and realised; hey it was a huge mistake and stopped!? Something you may consider forgiving. NO, they were "having sex" which implies more than once. This tells you they did not have a conscious moment between them; to care or realise the consequences of their actions!?
The smart thing to do is you forgive, move on without them and not grow bitter to think that every GF who gets lonely in your relationship is going to jump the bones of another guy.
Take Care - CAA
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (25 June 2017):
While there's always a possibility this is the one and only time it'll happen, if you think about her reasoning it's pretty easy to guess that this is something you might have happen again.
I know it's hard, but you candy dump her now or wait until it happens again. And what if it happens after you get married or have kids?
My experience with being cheated on is the people who do it once will do it again except under very particular circumstances.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 June 2017): Break up with her because you want to..not because we tell you to!
You have free will and can make your decisions accordingly.
It is important to be able to make your own decisions when it comes to matters of the heart!
Ask yourself "How do I feel about this?" thereby learning to tune in to your own feelings!
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A
male
reader, Garbo +, writes (25 June 2017):
 Her excuse for having sex behind your back is not lame but outright repugnant. Imagine your life with her so whenever she has sex with someone you are to be blamed. This is not a question of you being stupid but a question why are you even contemplating forgiveness here where there isn't even remorse on her side for what she did. Why would you forgive someone who has done wrong but blames the wrong on you? I think you should just dump her and focus on your career which seems to be going well for you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 June 2017): Its totally up to you if you want to forgive and forget!The advantages are that you would be back to having sex with her and also you wouldnt have to worry about best friend breaking up with his wife as a result of a third wheel!It is in direct opposition to other advice but only you can determine what it is you want to do.In some cultures the best friend is suppossedto step in when there is an emergency and some guys make promises about this!If you are just uncertain what to do and want to follow the high path you should reject her outright and go through a period of mourning!If you take the lower road you may get to the same place in the end but in the interim you forgive, you laugh and you enjoy each other!I have known of couples who got married after certain indiscretions and that was the end of all speculation and aberrations from normality!Similarly I have known of married couples who divorced because the man provided assistance and emotional comfort to the best friend's wife in the case of emergency!It all depends on what you want to do.The choice is yours!
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male
reader, Billy Bathgate +, writes (25 June 2017):
Yes you are being stupid if you forgive her. Think about this; there are about 3.5 billion men on this planet she could have slept with any one of them. She chose the man you thought was your best friend. Why? Because she was lonely. What kind of person does something like that?
Do you think you'll be able to trust her again. What happens if your job sends you on the road again? Will you have to spend the entire time wondering if she's going to sleep with your new best friend, your boss the next door neighbor.
She's your girlfriend not your wife and I assume you have no children together. Move on and let her go back to your so called best friend.
And work on getting better friends.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  + ♥, writes (24 June 2017):
 If she does not accept that she was wrong to cheat (loneliness is NOT an excuse - she could have gone out with friends or taken up a new hobby or made more of an effort to contact you), then yes, you are on a hiding to nothing by taking her back. If she blames your absence for her cheating, then you will never be able to go away again for fear of her repeating the behaviour.
She needs to work at rebuilding trust between you. It doesn't sound from your post like she is putting in much effort.
I would be getting a new best friend as well if I were you.
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