A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:i don't necessarily agree with this term, but am i 'damaged goods'?i have a short history of 4 relationships that lasted no more than a year each. i remained friends with some of them. i do not have one night stands, and never have. i wish for a relatively drama free life, but find myself more attracted to dramatic types...somehow, if the drama is just out in my face, then i know there's nothing hiding underneath, waiting to bite at me...so i feel less worried. but, i rarely insitage fights. when i met my last boyfriend, i had taken a few years break from being in any serious relationship, and felt like i was ready for something very low key and 'healthy'. however, i met and resisted, but eventually fell somewhat love with a former heroin addict who had bi-polar disorder. at first, everything that happened between us (the extremes of his mood especially), i tried to detach from and reject as any standard i ever wanted to live by. yeah, i felt more alive sometimes wondering if my beloved would enjoy murdering me (sometimes it seemed like it), but ultimately, i didn't want that for my future, or my present.our relationship ended, but we remained friends. he called me quite a bit afterwards, and there was always something about him despite his anger that i loved so very easily and genuinely. now that we are done (i can't trust him enough to even spend time in his personal space), i am starting to feel even less trust toward stable, less easily effected types of people (i guess that my ex was way over sensitive and sometimes controlling, so that would preclude 98% of the human race as i know it). i'm scared of something safe, sane, and easy to deal with. i don't know what's underneath. before i met him, i feel like i was back to a state where i could handle many situations with trust and ease. afterwards, i feel more trust towards the most untrustworthy situations. i have been through this before one other time, when i dated a very alienated, condescending guy. again, at the time i felt very attracted to him, but i knew that wasn't what i wanted for myself. i became miserable in my attempt at assimilating into his worldview. it took a couple of years to get over it.this time around, i am feeling somewhat similar, but at the same time, it was just so easy to love the guy i was just with despite his faults, and to somehow still feel open to other people, and to the world in general (the time i went through before this difficult situation, i felt closed off to everything for quite a while, and it sucked). would this make me 'damaged goods', being that i find myself attracted easily to guys like this, and way more effected by them than i am by totally domesticated specimines of men?
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female
reader, bitterblue  + ♥, writes (6 September 2009):
 After your updates, may I say...The problem is not necessarily that you may like "something" about them, that may even be understandable, the problem is you tolerate them anywhere close to you, because you minimise, you condone the bad, insane behaviours. You should run for the hills at the first red flags you see, instead. I may find these men you depict here interesting as well (purely as psychological types, alas) but under no circumstances would I wish something "interesting" like that happen to me (or be anywhere near). But if you saw yourselves as completely incongruent why would you care to continue seeing them? Why would a bird want to date a grasshopper if they have nothing in common. You must feel you have something in common. Only when you ARE and CAN VIEW yourself as a healthy individual with high goals set for herself you will not want to be associated with these guys that pull you down. The fact they were initially amusing will not matter. What matters... which is something for you to define, is what will make you step out. I think the quest for past problems should continue so you know what may have affected you to be attracted to these guys. Also, what you say about about someone "letting you live" sounds like a catchy line in a film but that is all. I hope this is nothing more than a random thought that crossed your mind, which you don't actually believe in or are living by. We all have absurd thoughts which is not to say we all act upon them. I don't see a problem here: " i didn't trust people after i was with him, but before i had started dating him, i felt very trusting and open." - you are not supposed to trust anyone immediately, "trust should be earned" as they say. All the best.
A
male
reader, softtouchmale2003 + ♥, writes (6 September 2009):
 Let me make a suggestion to you, and I hope you read this.
You need to set some acceptable boundaries as to what kind of man you want in your life. I am going to say this much, some of us guys out here hate drama. Drama interferes with the growth and maturity of a true, loving relationship.
I would make this suggestion because this is a behavioral issue, not a character issue. You need to limit the kinds of men you want in your life down to people who have one, not multiple personalities; who do not suffer from clinical depression or bi-polar disease; and who are not broken winged birds flying to your window.
You need someone who is sane, sober and can actually dedicate himself, his heart and especially his time to working on a relationship WITH you.
That's important. The reason why your relationships are so short-lived is because you're not taking the time up front to find out what it is you want attracted to you.
You say you're willing to put up with some pretty insane behavior, but the reality is that this is exactly what you're attracting!
Try and focus on limiting things to stable people who are good people. Look at the character you're dealing with. Stop trying to find damaged goods and being too accepting of them.
I understand what you're doing. You're willing to tolerate what amounts to behavior that goes into the "reject" range for most women. But tolerance out of human decency and tolerance within relationship boundaries are two different things.
You're confusing being caring with allowing people to enter your love life who don't belong there.
That's why you're asking if you're damaged goods.
You aren't because you can recognize in "real time" what's been repeating itself over and over again with zero success.
Try limiting yourself to the range of acceptable people who do not have drama issues and you should be all right. As far as guys hiding stuff and biting you later, that is having the drama up front rather than later: if you're with a real, loving, caring guy. And he's trustworthy and honest, he's not going to hide anything from you. That's the guy you want.
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A
female
reader, Chippy2 +, writes (6 September 2009):
I really feel for you - I perceive the answers that bitterblue and lazyguy gave as right on. I am in the same type of hell and have been in therapy for it. I am trying to get over a 4yr relationship now and in your response you said you recognized the chaos and didnt want to be a part of it.
I did the same - I didnt want to save my guy at first - now I know he was manipulative and a whole lot more! Bi-polar drug dealer ocd the list goes on.Why did I stay? The challenge the excitement the danger.
Please look into therapy - and get in touch with me if you would like.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 September 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthat first response was to bitterblue...
this one is just another thought--in the original post, i meant to say that i was once in a situation like this long ago, and after it, i felt very closed off to the world and to myself. it took a while to open up again. i was deeply and negatively affected from the relationship w/ the very first highly negative guy i was ever with. i didn't trust people after i was with him, but before i had started dating him, i felt very trusting and open.
this second guy who had major problems-i don't feel as bad afterwards, but i still yet again find myself not trusting people like i was able to before i got with him.
the space between negative guy one and negative guy two is about 8 years. between that, i was with someone who didn't act like these two other guys...
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 September 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthanks,
the only thing is that i don't want to be needed, to change someone else, or to fix anyone at all. i like to have space, and i don't feel like i have any desire to 'rescue' anyone...i kinda am too accepting, though...as in, i'll tolerate some insane behavior (but not be internally reconciling with it as though it were actually okay, but i am very good at detaching from the situation at hand). i understand the mechanism behind one's need to 'help' very screwed up people (a desire to control/be the 'good guy' in a subtle way), so i at least mentally recoil from situations where people seem to be begging to be rescued because they are obviously delusional, and i do not want to have any sort of authority over them at all, or gain selfish pleasure from their suffering. my last boyfriend, though i had no clue what he'd end up being like...at first was more or less a fun and humorous guy with some quirks (that were begnin but amusing). easy to like him. my heart started to give up on it when i saw the extent of his problems, how he wanted to be rescued, and wanted also to rescue someone so he could see their progress in an attempt to gain inspiration for himself. i never really gave him what he wanted (the attention/the hovering/the monitoring/the rules and guidance/just focusing on him), and he got quite angry at me and did't think that i loved him. i did love him, but not in the way that he interprets as love. i wanted to stay with him b/c i loved him (the parts minus the crap), but i wanted nothing to do with his system. near the end is when it got really chaotic and i couldn't detach any more...i guess in jumping into it more so mentally, i started to feel how messed up it was and how in danger i was in a way, and yeah, i do admit that wondering if someone will 'let you live' can illicit a deeper connection to feeling alive (because life feels in danger of ending)...but actually, my life is not messy or chaotic otherwise, before or after him...it's just that now he's gone, i've started to look at all of the bad stuff as good/neutral stuff and i know i couldn't handle a more stable individual right now because i've loved and bent to accomodate someone who had at least two personalities. but, this is the second time i've been w/ someone who is kind of in the same vein of behavior...except now i actually could see what was going on while it was happening, but am still somewhat suffering the effects of it afterwards. the first time i was w/ someone like this, i had no clue...and it messed me up way more.
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A
male
reader, LazyGuy  + ♥, writes (6 September 2009):
 In a way bad relationships are easier then good ones. War is easier then peace. Criminals have an easier job then cops.
Because in a normal relationship it is two people who got to work together. Make it happen. Together.
In your relationship, YOU are trying to make it work. That is easy. No need to think about what he wants, you set your goal, he fights it, he is a bad boy, but you love him but you never actually have to work at making it work.
You say it yourself,you don't "get" what normal guys are thinking. You know what the bad guy is thinking (or think you do anyway). Not that it really matters, because there is no working together with a person like that.
So, the relationship is less of two people making a life together and more two people who just let shit happen.
You probably got a lot of issues and until you deal with them, you will continue to follow this self destructive path.
Being happy, is scary. Being with someone normal in a healthy relationship is scary. Because if you were to date a normal decent guy and it didn't work out, then you could blame nobody but yourself.
My advice, get single, stay single and get help for your issues. Take charge of your own life. Make yourself and only yourself responsible for your life and happiness. And no, not with the goal of getting a guy when it is all over. Just the goal of not being in this same mess. What happens afterwards is far to far away to think about.
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A
female
reader, bitterblue + ♥, writes (6 September 2009):
You have issues. However you call this OR yourself, little does it matter, what is important is that you have BIG issues to address. Saying that "i felt more alive sometimes wondering if my beloved would enjoy murdering me" is frantic. I suppose you will find that a LOT has been written on the subjects of "why men love bitches" and "why women love jerks". Search, if you wish, for some of these articles. The topic is very complex. Have a look at your childhood too, this could bring some explanations. You are quite used to the chaos and mess, you probably have some messed up values and views, you want to be the person who is needed, who changes and rescues the other, it sounds challenging, doesn't it? There is something bigger that you may want to run away from - by living this messy life that consumes your energy enough to make you stop thinking of something else? In a normal, healthy relationship you would never be needed to such unhealthy levels. Until you get to the bottom of this you will have a hard time in abusive relationships and in between them. It could be as easy as needing drama in your life to attract others' attention and compassion if you were deprived of attention when you most needed it in your younger years, it could be many other things derived from this or not necessarily. It seems you describe very well and in a structured fashion how you feel and what your problem (at the surface) is and that tells me you would probably cooperate well with a therapist to know what monster lies deeper within you, what implanted it there, how to wash it out.
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