A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi Guys and GirlsA question about strange behaviour from my partner of 4 years. We live together and have done for 3 years. However I am always suspicious of him and keep checking his texts and Facebook messages. I like to go to bed early even on a Friday and Saturday. My boyfriend stays up and drinks wine usually a whole bottle and then some. This one time it got to about 4am and he still hadn't come to bed so I went downstairs to find him asleep. His phone kept bleeping with messages so I had a look and found he had been chatting to an ex and it was very lewd and sounded like he wants to have sex with him again. The next day I confronted him about it and he said he was drunk and sorry. However the trust was then gone. Then a few months ago he fell asleep again and his phone kept bleeping and it was his friend who is straight and has been round to our house several times. The texts were awful. He was reminiscing about a time when they had sex and my bf wanted him to send cock pictures. This crushed me to the core this man comes to our house and I have trusted him. I kicked my boyfriend out.We eventually got back together and he said that it was a long time ago and it was before we got together. However I feel like he truly loves this guy. But I tried to forget it. This week my bf has been texting another bloke that he works with. Even on an evening all he seems to do is text him. He deletes his texts from him and nobody else which straight away has raised my suspicions again. I saw the back end of a text and it contained kisses at the end explaining the other guy was getting in the shower. Am I crazy is he cheating and taking me for a fool? The situation is driving me crazy and I feel like I am being pushed away. Could I be reading too much into it?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, Boost +, writes (27 September 2013):
The trust has no doubt gone. You won't be able to trust his word on it and you'll keep questioning everything. In the end it's not worth the exhaustion it will cause you. Walk away from it and don't look back
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (26 September 2013):
 he is at minimum emotionally cheating. and lying.
in addition if he drinks a bottle and then some nightly... or even one night a week.. he has an alcohol problem.
you are not crazy and you deserve better.
let him go.
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A
female
reader, Dear Mandy +, writes (26 September 2013):
 hi
it sounds to me that he is scared to come out of the closet, so is using you so people wont click on his gay! he probably does love you , but more like a sister than a gf. I would walk away from this one, its only going to be a ugly ending Hun sorry :(
Mandy x
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A
female
reader, llifton +, writes (26 September 2013):
 Yes, he's cheating and taking you for a fool - which he has done over and over and over again. get rid if this guy. He doesn't treat you right. Cheating and lying are the ultimate deception. Kick his ass to the curb and find a guy who treats you with respect.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 September 2013): Taking back an ex you know is a cheater is asking for it. You detail a lot of things in your post that should have convinced you that remaining with this guy would only be a continuance of the very thing you broke up about.
He has no intention of changing, and you're avoiding the painful emotions of letting go. You think you can put up with it, or he promises you to change. He hasn't, has he?
You have to let go. Your mind will force you to reminisce on the good times, make you miss him; even obsess over him until you'll take him back. Knowing full well what he is capable of, and how much you've been hurt. You have to face the grief of loss and experience the emotions of ending it.
The process of detaching from him will be almost like withdrawal from a habitual drug. That's because breaking up with someone is a chemical process in the brain, as well as an emotional roller-coaster.
That's the mind's way of psychologically clearing the way for you to get over a broken relationship. Yes, it is hard to do, and an agonizing process. Living with a cheat and a drunk is more painful. The outcome of remaining with him is a lot worse. You'll become psychologically scarred for life.
Letting him go is your path to healing.
If he was satisfied with his life with you, he wouldn't need to supplement it with other men. He is unhappy, and you're content with life as you see it. He's your emotional hostage; because you don't want to be alone. You're afraid of him finding someone else; and being single after four years scares the crap out of you. Been there and done that, my young friend.
Time to be a man, and do what you have to do to get your life in order. Clinging on is what brought you here to us.
Cheaters get tired of hiding their deeds after awhile, and they get sloppy. Subconsciously, they want to get caught.
They normally find pleasure in staying one-step ahead of you. Finding secret forbidden pleasure, and covering their tracks, gets them off. When they find the one they really want, they purposely slip up. It's easier than confessing.
They also feel guilty to some degree, but they are also cowards.
He doesn't care about you the way you care about him. It may not be that you care for him so much now, it's the embarrassment and shame of feeling like a fool. What you presented to everyone as a loving relationship, isn't.
You now have to face your family and friends. People may have even warned you, but you didn't listen.
Acknowledging that your relationship may all be a lie is heartbreaking. Maybe it wasn't from the start. In the bliss of love, we are in a euphoria that makes us overlook a lot of red-flags in our relationship. We all do this. It's part of being human. We make mistakes in love. This is how we learn.
These lessons prepare us for a much better relationship with someone else. This is one of your trial relationships leading up to something much better in the future.
Move out, find yourself a place to live, or put him out.
Start "no-contact" and fight all urges and temptation to have anything else to do with him. No rebound relationships and whoring around. Just take care of yourself. Let the emotions flow. Stay healthy and get closer to family and friends for love and emotional support. Mend any broken friendships or family quarrels that your relationship may have caused. Find your own peace and happiness. That's all in your own hands. Become your own best friend.
Unless you can live with threesomes. You prefer a monogamous relationship. You had better go through the inevitable breakup; and get on with healing, so you can have a happier life. There are two sides to your story.
He is unhappy with you too. He needs other men for a reason.
Accept some responsibility. It's you clinging in spite of what he's doing. That's self-punishment.
We foolishly figure things will work out, and write some things off as little quirks that will go away. You soon find that this is all delusional. You're in denial and avoiding the truth.
Time to give up, move on, and heal. I wrote some articles that may help you get through it. Read them when you have the time.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (26 September 2013):
 He might not be physically cheating but emotionally he is. The thing is he knows you keep forgiving him, so he will just "play" sorry and apologize - kiss and make up, then soon after he will start it back up.
I don't think he realize how detrimental his texting/sexting is. OR he really don't care. When you keep taking him back and believe his lies, he is assuming you are basically OK with it.
The fact that you feel you have to monitor him shows that the relationship is not really working. No one should have to check up on their partner. They SHOULD know what is right and wrong - what is OK and what is not in a relationship and act accordingly. It's not healthy to have a relationship where you have to "parent" your partner. They should WANT to do the right thing, because it's the right thing to do. Not because you tell them.
Sorry, I would end it now and kick him out. Time to let him go. If he acts single then he should BE single. Find yourself someone who WANTS to be faithful, loving and respectful.
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A
female
reader, Kyra23  +, writes (26 September 2013):
You're not crazy. It's likely is cheating. Only you can decide if those 4 years are over or not. I feel sorry for your situation but he's not respecting you much. Talk to him maybe it can be turned round if he's unsatisfied by some situation and not talking to you honestly...
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