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Am I being used? I believe deep down that he is a good person but I am worried that I'm just there to teach him how to be in a relationship!

Tagged as: Dating, Long distance, Troubled relationships, Trust issues<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (15 May 2018) 3 Answers - (Newest, 15 May 2018)
A female United Kingdom age 26-29, anonymous writes:

have been seeing someone new for 4 months. When we first met, it was unlike anything I have ever experienced – I felt a real chemisty with this person and we hit it off straight away. Despite the distance (he lives in the south of the UK and me the north but I work down south every couple of weeks) we decided to give it a go. Because it's a long distance relationship, we spent a couple of days together and then nothing for a couple of weeks so it's been quite intense. I met his mum very early on (he didn't tell me she would be at a coffee shop we were going too). At the beginning of the relationship, he was very open and told me that he'd been in a 10 year relationship but was cheated on twice. He told me that he spent ten years of his life wanting someone who didn't want him back. He's never spoken about this since but mentioned that hed ended relationships after it because they 'weren't good enough to help him forget his past' but now he is emotionally ready. He told me that he's never been on holiday with a girlfriend or taken one as a plus one to a wedding. We recently shared a bottle of wine together and chatted away into the night - he told me he'd never done this before. He also never mentions this 10 year relationship - this is a significant part of his life and I don't want all the details but surely you'd mention some things about this period? I had a look over his old facebook (I know) and there are numerous statuses which talk about how much he wants a girlfriend. Statuses which are ominous and talk about how much he's missing someone and how lonely he feels. He refers to me as his girlfriend and gets giddy about it.

Anyway, at the beginning he was charming - he sent flowers to my hotel room on the first date, bought me little things. A few weeks in he started to act off - when I was with him in his house (he lives with room mates) he sat away from me. I brought it up and said I was getting a bad vibe and he got defensive, almost looked like he was going to cry. We had a chat and he apologised and said he didn't want to come across like that.

There have been a couple of occasions since where he hasn't text me back for 5 hours or has gone to sleep without saying goodnight which, in a long distance relationship means a lot to me. I also discovered that he's been taking steroids - we're both very much into the gym and had a discussion about this and he said his friends did them but he didn't. I found out because we were sharing a gym bag and he left an empty packet of viagra in the bag next to his keys - I was shocked and didn't bring it up in case it ws something psychological that he wasn't ready to talk about it so I left it. He then left an empty pot of steroids sticking out of his washbag in his room. Why do this if you're keeping it a secret?

He recently confided in me and told me that he's worried about money and the travel to see each other. I earn significantly more than him so agreed to take the brunt proportionally. He said he has loans etc from when he was younger and it leaves him with little disposable income. I've paid for flights for a holiday were going on on the premise that he'd pay me back. I haven't heard about this since. We were chatting the other day and he made reference to his brother and his wife about how everyone comments that they're together to benefit each other and out of convenience he told me that he knows i'll improve his life but it's far from convenient. This hurt me and it made me question whether his intentions were true; surely if he was only with me to better his life, he wouldn't just say it?

He's made numerous references to the fact that he's so happy that I love him back and he's looking forward to starting a new life outside of the town he has always lived in. I come away from meeting him knowing that there are things that he's keeping a secret - a layer to him that I don't see. As a result, his conversation isn't very in depth and he rarely asks questions. I'm normally a very open person and have been through a lot of soul searching and emotional development over the past few years. I'm aware of who I am but for some reason, I feel reserved in telling him some things about me. He sometimes does things without saying and when talking about him moving closer to me in the next 4 months, he told me that he wasn't going to tell me if he had an interview or a new job so that he could wind me up. What's that about?

Am I being used? Seems like a silly question after writing the above. I believe deep down that he is a good person but I am worried that i'm just there to teach him how to be in a relationship

View related questions: facebook, flowers, long distance, money, on holiday, period, roommate, text, viagra, wedding

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A male reader, N91 United Kingdom + , writes (15 May 2018):

N91 agony auntI think if you’re feeling this way in the ‘honeymoon period’ then it’s unlikely to improve.

I’m noticing a few red flags. Honeypie mentioned most of them such as the lying about the steroids. Why? Why not just admit it? What else could he be lying about?

Allowing you to book at holiday, essentially borrowing money whilst already in debt. I think that’s one that shows he lacks self control and makes bad decisions. I understand it happens that people fall into financial hardship. I did when I was younger and have only very recently repaid my debt and the thing that made me get my ass into gear was actually becoming serious with my now girlfriend that I didn’t want to be a financial burden and decided I needed to be smarter with my finances. It sounds like he’s showing a blatant disregard for it.

The mood swings are another for me. Turning on the waterworks to get out of the discussion by the sounds of things.

I think you have a lot to mull over here but if you’re having these doubts already then it doesn’t bode well for the future.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (15 May 2018):

Honeypie agony aunt1. have you talked to him about the steroids and Viagra?

If not, why not?

Steroids are dangerous on so many level, and you have no clue HOW long he has done them for or how affected he REALLY is by them. Because you ONLY see him for "short bursts" of time - in which he CAN be on his best behavior. *HUGE RED flag*

2. Going on Holiday ( I know it's a BIG British couples thing) but YOU shouldn't have to PAY for his ticket, IF he can't AFFORD to go... then there shouldn't BE a holiday. And I DOUBT you will see that money any time soon. *red flag* He shouldn't have agreed to you paying.

Either he WANTS so badly to go on holiday with you that he SAVES up for one... OR he doesn't go. If he can buy you flowers and little things, he can put some money aside for a holiday.....

(now HE shouldn't be paying for you either, if you couldn't afford a holiday).

3. the whole YOU will improve his life... I can see why you took offense to that... I would feel... well, USED of someone said that. Now if he had said (or meant) " YOU make me want to be a better man" or something along those lines I can see it being a nice thing to say... but segue from my brother and his wife are married out of convenience and you are improving my life... just doesn't sit right. Now could it be that he just worded it weirdly bad? Sure. I don't know him. *pink flag perhaps?*

4. The 10 year relationship. Well, for the most part I'd say he is being respectful to both YOU, your relationship AND his ex by not dragging it out every chance he got. I mean REALLY... who wants to hear ALL about the flaws of an ex? Or someone bashing an ex? No one! *So not really a red flag for me. *

5. Surprising you with his MOM on a date... I'd feel a bit... ambushed to be honest. *slightly pink flag* Why do I say that? Because it FORCED you to meet her whether you were ready for that or not.

6. Changing how he treats you at his place ONLY a few weeks into dating... And then being weepy and whiny when you bring it up. To me, that is ACTUALLY a red flag. Not so much being less PDA in front of room mates (that I can respect) but the whole super emotional for being called out on it. That to me is a sign of some sort of instability. Emotionally.

7. Making plans to move to your neck of the woods. Without really talking about it with you. Red flag. I would even venture a guess that he might show up and expect YOU to have him live with you and take care of him . He sees you as a way out. My guess is eh thinks all the things that IS NOT working for him will automatically vanish when he moved North to you. BUT we all know... we bring our issues with us. It's called emotional baggage for a reason.

8. He mentions not being financial stable. Which means... He might have A LOT of debt. While I get that many people do... It's also something that can REALLY complicate a relationship. So dark *Pink flag* there.

He might BE a very lovely bloke DEEP down, but... is this really a good match for YOU. Is this really what you want?

You didn't mention his age.. but I guess he is a little older than you?

Overall... I don't know, he doesn't sound like someone who is stable, independent personally (needed his mother's approval with you), or financially- in short - he doesn't sound like he has his shit together. And that is much easier to hide when you two only see each other in bursts...

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A female reader, janniepeg Canada + , writes (15 May 2018):

janniepeg agony auntI am not sure if he is a good person. If he is, then anyone could have the potential to be a good person. He is with you to make him look better in life on the outside. Inside he is still a mess. When men take steroids, it can cause erectile dysfunction. To mask this, he has Viagra to fix it. But why does he need Viagra if he's with you? It's an empty pack too so it means he used it with someone. I don't know of any guy who would use Viagra just to get hard to masturbate.

On the outside he's charming, physically buff, and knows how to do romantic stuff like ordering flowers. In reality he is sharing space with roommates and could hardly get by financially. Yet he could spend money on gym, steroids and Viagra so he could look good on the outside.

When he sat in his room in a corner and looked sad, that told you everything you have to know about him. He is not proud of his living situation. If you two were to have sex, it would either be in a hotel, or you had to be sneaky when his roommates are there, or you would have to fly him into your city.

Never mind how to be in a relationship, getting into this one would be impractical. He doesn't have to be honest about everything but he was, to a point so that you can make a decision to end it.

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