A
male
age
18-21,
anonymous
writes:Hi everyone I will try and keep this brief. I am 20 and my girlfriend is 18, we have been going out for about 6 months now and in that time we have never been anywhere without her mother, I stay at her house 7 nights a week and I feel like I am trapped.I do love her but today for example it is my day off from work, I have to take my car to the garage to have the breaks fixed and she has had a massive tantrum that I don't spend any time with her, why does she not understand I get one day off a week and I have to cram my jobs that need doing into that day? If I ever want to go see my family on a Sunday etc etc it causes an argument and she strops for hours. When she is in these strops she is sarcastic and tells me to shut up to anything I say the funny thing is I can't say anything back to her because then she says I am talking to her like shit.I am constantly driving them to places as neither of them drive, pets at home one night then shopping Sunday, runs to the tip, picking her mum up from college, car boot sales. Since I met her I have not had 1 day to sleep in or to do what I want to do, I have give up hobbies, friends, and my parents are at there wits end with me because they say I am being used, why can't I admit it to myself?Another thing happened the other day. I pay my parents £80 a month rent even though I am at my girlfriends. Now that I am staying with my girlfriend I don't eat there or wash there I just do it at home before and after work. My girlfriend turned around to me the other day and said she thinks I should pay towards the house £200 a month!! Do I get petrol money??? No.So I guess what I am asking is whats the deal here, are her and her mum using me for what they can get? Is she just selfish and immature? or is it me who is in the wrong?? Please help me people I feel so confused :(
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immature, money, trapped Reply to this Question |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 October 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHello all,
Thanks very much for your replies they have been useful to open my eyes a bit more. I am going to stop at my parents tonight to relax and hopefully gain some more perspective on the situation. Deep down I know though that I can't keep living like this. I have trouble saying no to people which is why I get into situations like these.
When I passed my driving test it was the happiest day of my life but now if I could turn back the clock I would not have bothered. I don't get why people have to be so controlling over what their partner is doing, if my gf said to me you can't come up tonight I am going out etc I would think thats fine. Why should you lose independence just because you are in a relationship. My gf can't seem to function if I arent with her.
Anyway I am rambling again lol take-away + beer + sky HD tonight for me first time for 6 months so I think I will enjoy myself lol
Thanks everyone!!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 September 2009): I have had personal experience of this sort of situation so I will just reiterate what everyone here has already said -
best option: get out, & don't walk - run!! make a clean break with her & be strict with yourself - do not give in to what will likely be your gf's hysterics, tantrums, guilt trips & emotional blackmail. she sounds immature, self-centred & extremely manipulative.
2nd best option would be to move home for the foreseeable future & lay down a new set of ground rules with her regarding the personal time & space which YOU need. if she really loves you she will consider what you have to say & grant you the space you need to live your life. rel'ships are about give & take. if she refuses to accept it (more likely scenario) let her leave - good riddance!
best of luck!!!
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A
male
reader, EN_Ken  +, writes (30 September 2009):
You've already gotten great advice from others in regards to this question. The only thing I'd like to add relates to the fact that they're manipulating you in ways that you may not even be noticing.
This type of behaviour is considered emotional manipulation or even emotional blackmail. They use negative emotions to force you into doing certain things for them. The fact that you have not mentioned your girlfriend's dad, makes me wonder if the way she treats you was the way her mom behaved with her dad and whether she's just doing what she learned. Regardless, this type of person will use guilt and verbal attacks to get their way and that is something you must be aware of if you're going to get yourself out.
When you announce that you're going to leave, they will attack you and your girlfriend might even break down to get you to stay out of pity or guilt, but you must remember the disrespect she showed you. THAT is your reason for leaving. She may have her sweet moments, but the rest of the time she seems to be treating you quite badly. Do not let the negative emotions that they flood you with prevent you from following through on your decision. You must acknowledge that those emotions are there, but do the things that you know are best for you.
-Ken Phillips
http://www.franktalks.com
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 September 2009): Oh hun! Put it this way, the fact you are asking the question goes a long way. I think you know already what is going on. You are still only young and I am sure that you will find someone who is as good as you and will work with you together to make a lovely symbiotic relationship!
Good luck.
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A
female
reader, TalkingHelps +, writes (30 September 2009):
 You are being used, lay down the line, make your own rules
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A
female
reader, marieclaire  +, writes (30 September 2009):
 they are definately taking advantage!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 September 2009): No you are not in the wrong and yes, she is being selfish and immature. This relationship is all wrong and completely imbalanced. I think you know this which is why you are writing to us. The best thing you can do it move out of her house and be a bit independent from her to see how it goes. You are not her slave so please don't let her treat you like it. Move back in with your folks and start having a life of your own. You are only 20. Go out and have fun when you are not working, don't just spend your time ferrying this girl and her mum around. You don't do it for your own mum, why should you do it for hers?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 September 2009): Yes, you are definitely being used, and the smartest thing you can do is to 1.Put your foot down and let them know it is stopping RIGHT NOW, OR 2. Get out. I'd go for option 2. This is not a healthy loving relationship in any way. Sorry to be mean, but those 2 ladies see you as a sucker. Stop being walked on!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 September 2009): Please get out of this situation as soon as you can. These people are really damaging you as a person; as you say you are trapped and you run around after them only for your girlfriend tp be stroppy with you. That is not a proper, healthy relationship. It has to be give and take. It sounds like all you are doing is giving, and her and her mother are taking. Firstly, I would suggest moving back home to your parents' house. This will give you some perspective on things. Yes, I'm sure your girlfriend will have a fit, but that is extremely immature and indicative of why you need to get out. She has monopolised all your time and that is dangerous. Secondly, I find it completely unacceptable that she gets in a huff just because you want to go and see your family. Who does she think she is to stop you seeing them? Again, it is a signal of how immature she is. I imagine that your parent can see what she is dong to you but don't like to say for fear of hurting your feelings. I was i a relationship similar to yours here. When it ended, rather than being heartbroken as I thought I would be, it was a wonderful relief and freedom. You need to have your own space, time, friends, etc. It seems as though your gf is determined not to let you have any of those things. Please leave her,or at the very least move out. Otherwise I can only see things getting worse. Good luck! I know it's scary but I'm sure you will regret not having done it sooner.
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A
male
reader, Boonridge McPhalify +, writes (30 September 2009):
 these selfish women are using you. your own parents can see it. now she wants money off you as well as talking badly to you. dump this useless pair. you are not in the wrong (though i'm sure the way she see's it everyone is wrong but her)and you deserve to be with someone who likes you and treats you with respect. it sounds like you are simply her taxi.
do yourself a favour and end this parasitic situation...
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A
female
reader, Honeygirl  + ♥, writes (30 September 2009):
 Sorry Sweetie, but I think they are taking advantage of your good nature....
How did they manage to get around before you came on the scene? I suggest that you relook at your relationship with your girlfriend and decide if you want to give up all your freedom to make her happy.
Personally, I think you would be better off staying with your parents...
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