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Am I being used and being made a fool of? I love her but I can't cope with this, what shall I do?

Tagged as: Age differences, Gay relationships, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (15 January 2008) 3 Answers - (Newest, 20 January 2009)
A female Canada age 41-50, anonymous writes:

I am a 42 year old women who is in a relationship with a 26 year old woman. When we met she was in a relationship with a man for 3 years and they have a daughter and I was in a relationship with a woman for 3 years. Her relationship was very unhealthy ( he drank too much and used drugs). He would not come home sometimes for a couple of days. Anyway she told me that she was married to him ( said they had a civic ceremony) and when we met she was going to marry him again in a church ceremony.

Anyway one thing led to another and we started an affair and I left my girlfriend. She continued to have a relationship with her husband but said that she wanted out and was in love with me. About 2 months after we were together she had her church ceremony. It broke my heart especially after he broke off the wedding for 2 weekends in a row prior to the official wedding date. I asked her why she was going to marry him again if she wasnt in love with him. Her answer was that he owed her her big day. Foolishly I accepted that. She spent the night before she got married with me and I begged her not to go through with it and she said that it didnt matter because she was already married and that this was just a formality.

She asked me not to leave her and to be patient that she needed some more time to straighten things out but that I was the one she wanted to be with and start a life with. Well he moved out 6 months after the wedding almost to the day. Anyway, a few days after the move out I was talking to her best friend who informed me by accident that my girlfriend was never married before that her wedding was actually a real wedding. I was devasted and asked my girlfriend she didnt tell me the truth. Her answer...I didn't know how. She said that I need to get past it because he wasnt there anymore and that she loved me. Well here we are a year and a half later and she is still breaking my heart. Her ex is very much in the picture as he takes his daughter a couple of days a week and every other weekend as he should. She is still living in their house and he is giving her 5000 a month to live on. She has a job as well.

She said that the money isnt for her but for the house and her daughter. Her best friend once told me that all she cares about is money. Anyway we see each other a couple of times a week and I have a great relationship with her daughter. We adore one another. So here is the problem. First we have a very healthy intimate life but outside of that she shows me no affection. She never tells me she loves me unless I say it first. When we are out with friends she is very dismissive with me actually it gets to the point that I feel like I irritate her. I have told her I feel this way many many times but she said that she was sorry and that she would change but never does.

It has now gotten to the point that I said she was going to lose me if things didnt change. She said that she loved me and that no one has ever made her feel as loved and respected and adored as I make her feel. She said that she has never loved anyone as much as she loves me. When I talk to her she totally zones me out and stares straight ahead and wont look at me. I have begged her to change and she says she will but doesnt. I said that I deserve to feel loved as I am so good to her. I told her that she makes me feel very unwanted then she changes for a few hours but is back to the norm. When her daughter is with her husband on the weekend she will never stay at my house past 6:00 a.m. she sets the alarm and leaves as soon as it goes off. I asked her if she was afraid that her ex was going to find out that she is seeing someone else but she said no she just has things to do.

She has been giving me this line for 6 months now. I have tried everything to try to get the truth from her. I told her that if she didnt want me that she has to let me go but she said that my statements are stupid and that she isnt going to talk about it with me. When we talk on the phone about our problems she will get impatient and say she doesnt want to talk anymore and just hang up on me. She said that she told her husband that it was over but I somehow dont really believe it.

Would a guy just hand over 5000 a month to someone he isnt with anymore? I asked her if she wants to get back together with him but she says absolutely not. I am not allowed to go to her house for a visit as she is afraid he is going to come by. I could go on and on. Am I being used and being made a fool of? Should I just think that the age difference is the biggest difference? What do I do? I really do love her but I cant sell myself to her anymore. I only want back what I give her....nothing more....nothing less.

View related questions: affair, best friend, drugs, get back together, her ex, money, moved out, wedding

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A female reader, barnabus United States +, writes (20 January 2009):

o miss anonymous how I can completely relate almost exactly. I was shocked to read what you wrote I thought I was the only one. I unfortunately don't have an answer I came here to find one.. If you can email me please..

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A female reader, Starry Meadow United States +, writes (15 January 2008):

She is a lying filthy creature and you don't deserve to take that mistreatment. You need to leave her or you'll only end up having your heart broken in more and worse way then you can imagine.

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A female reader, red1982 United Kingdom +, writes (15 January 2008):

It doesn't sound as if she knows what she wants really. I think she was more in love with her 'husband' than she let on but was keepng you as a sort of back up for when things went wrong.

It almost sounds like she was in the same position you are now where she loved him far more then he loved her - and you love her far more then she loves you.

I don't think she has told her ex about the two of you, which seems very strange to me when you have been together for a year and a half. Maybe he would stop the money he pays her if he knew she was seeing someone else.

I really don't think she is that into you - I'm really sorry but perhaps you should call it quits and find someone who loves you back.

Take care

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