A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Am I being unreasonable to want my husband to stop phoning and taking out a "friend" as he calls her?This 'friend' has been in my husband's life for a long time now abuot 4 years, we used to go to a certain pub each week and he would always be talking to her, which I didn't take much notice of, although it did sometimes make me feel a bit awkward as he would be chatting to her over the bar whilst I stupidly would be standing behind holding my glass like a stupid school girl. This was getting a regular thing and whenever I would try to speak to her whilst stood at the bar with my husband, she would never even look at me, maybe the odd occasions, my husband agreed that she was rude to me so its not just my imagination. To cut a long story short, he has been seeing her off and on, I have seen texts he has sent her saying he adores her, loves her, everyone knows how I feel about you etc. I have seen loads of these texts. I do believe that no sexual contact has taken place. He did tell me that if she was willing then he would, but now denies saying this to me. I was diagnosed with cancer last year, and was a very traumatic time for me. I thought my husband would have taken that into consideration, but no, the day that I had my op, he stayed 5 minutes after I came out of theatre and disappeared, blaming my daughters that he felt pushed out (I am very close to my daughters and love them very much) there has never been the same closeness with him and them. I was sat in Oncology with my husband on my first visit for Radiotherapy, I just stated crying as I just didn't want to be there, I could see people who had lost their hair, were very thin, yellow and just looking awful, I didn't want to be part of this but I had no choice, I cried most of that day. BUT, later that night my husband decided to go out, as he always does on certain nights of the week, I have always trusted him to go out drinking. He didn't come home until late that night, but I got it out of him that he had taken this friend of his out, he has taken her a few times, I found a pair of earrings hidden and found it they were for her, then I found out he had bought her a silver braclet, he hasn't bought me jewellery in a long time. He's still in touch with her even now, and it has driven a big wedge between us, I have threatened to move out and get on with my life but he doesn't want me to, he even suggested we live seperately in the same house, but I couldn't live like that. He has become a different person now and I do feel embarrassed by his actions sometimes. I asked him just last week, would you cut all ties and stop taking this friend out, all he said was 'no'. I don't want to live like this anymore but the way things are going it looks inevitable. He thinks by telling me that he talks to her and wants to see her is okay, just because he's telling me? I am just about at the end of my tether with him and this friend and would love some advice. I do love my husband but don't think I can be happy with him any more, and he obviously isn't happy with me, but he doesn't want to separate. He is a very selfish man, he is only happy when things go his way and he don't seem to care about me at all. What can I do to be happy again?
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 October 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionIve accidently unsubscribed help!!!
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 October 2009): r and b2, now this is what i call GOOD ADVICE. accurate and relevant and just so damn good. yes OP, call the shits bluff. hold your head up high, be proud and do your homework. seek legal advice. but do not tell him. the element of surprise is just so great. oh, and you are not his mother. whether he survives or not is not your problem. YOU will come out the victor in the end. you do not have to play tooooooooo dirty but play hard, play this strategically and show him who is the boss. and believe me for taking his shit for so long, revenge will never be so sweetterrrrrrrr. please remember to send us an update as you take charge of your life.
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A
female
reader, rhythmandblues2  + ♥, writes (28 October 2009):
 First of all do not let the other woman in your lives make you feel less than. This isn't about how you look. I would be very proud of yourself for keeping up your physical fitness and health, it gets more difficult with each passing year and it is really mostly important for Your own health and quality of life, it isn't just to keep your sex life sizzling. And with what you have been through with cancer you should also be proud for how strong you have been without a husband at your side to cheer you on....he has been avoiding the whole thing by sticking his nose in her business (so to speak).
If young are concerned about how you would manage financially after divorce, then speak to a good attorney and file for the divorce first, it gives you the upper hand in the settlement, and I am sure you would have some assets to divide. You have nothing to feel guilty about how he would pay the bills, let him worry about that, maybe he will become Her problem after all.
If you really think you would love to be free of him (and like eyes says I also know how I would feel, but I have been self supporting and independent my whole life) then take a leap of faith and do what you need to do for your happiness and health. You don't deserve to live in fear of a cheating spouse, you always wonder when the other shoe is going to drop and that is powerless place to be.
If you want to give it one last try, seriously see the attorney first and get your ducks in a row so you can serve him, but give him an ultimatum. Your marriage has no chance of healing if he doesn't agree to cut contact with her and you need to tell him that.
Call him out, call his bluff and let the chips fall where they may. You deserve what you signed on for and nothing less.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (28 October 2009):
 You have no reason at all to feel guilty about leaving him. He's the the one stepping outside the bounds of your marriage. I'd just give him the choice one last time "either she goes or I do" unless you think you don't even want him anymore period. I know how I would feel.
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 October 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI am so grateful to everyone who has taken the time to read my article and I have had some wonderful responses. I do think that if I became more independent in my own right, I would probably be a lot happier but I know when he has been phoning and arranging to take her out, it makes me so angry and depressed so I really don't know how to cope with this. Sometimes I would love to live alone, I would love a new place where I can just relax and not give a shit about what he is doing, but this is such a big step for me to take and I do worry about how will I be able to cope financially also, but im sure I will cope in the long term, but I would also have this big guilt feeling that if I left him, how would he manage on his own with the bills etc. I need to be more independent I know, and maybe that is what I should be looking at. The thing that annoys me the most is that I have always looked after myself and taken care of my appearance, but now I don't know why I ever bothered as its not got me anywhere, but I wont let this change.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 October 2009): this is a long shot - but have you considered TELLING HER to stop. confront her. be bold. be brave. your life is not over. get new hobbies. make new friends. start by befriending HIS FRIENDS. go to the pub alone, make new friends and enjoy your life. so not wait for him to end his affair. this man is a selfish bastard. this woman is not his friend -she is his emotional/sexual lover. make his life a living hell. learn to strategise and find the positive energy. girl, no matter what your age, you owe it to yourself to win this battle. come on. yes it is hard, but you can.
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A
female
reader, shikiraclare +, writes (28 October 2009):
Your situation is delicate and needs a tactful response and as rhythmandblues puts it: this is an emotional affair even if it is not a sexual one.
There are two approaches you could take with this one and neither one is going to be pain-free for you but putting your cards on the table and giving him an ultimatum or getting tougher with yourself to create a sense of individual - self are those two options. When he is emotionally supported by this woman then it is highly unlikely that he will appreciate or accept an invitation for marriage counselling and will resent the marriage more than he does already - the commitment issues have become entrenched in too much deceit for this and why he won't stop what he is doing even if you demand that he does.
If I were in your situation; I would be driven to make a life of my own which means to become a lot more independent of him so that he will be the one chasing you for a lot more commitment. This isn't about leaving him or the marriage; but about finding good self-esteem through re-discovering yourself however hard that sounds, is your better option and will give him the message that you are a person in your own right who isn't a door-mat he likes to frequent. What qualities he finds in this woman is what maybe he wants in you but feels that you are the chaser in the relationship (men want their women to give some of herself but not all of herself) and if you become out of his reach more, then that will change everything in a positive way.
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A
female
reader, rhythmandblues2 + ♥, writes (27 October 2009):
http://divorcesupport.about.com/od/theothermanotherwoman/p/othermanwoman.htm
http://ezinearticles.com/?How-to-Handle-Or-Deal-With-a-Husbands-Other-Woman---Tips-and-Advice-That-May-Help&id=2301376
http://www.beyondaffairs.com/articles/meet_other_woman_man.htm
Try some of these articles for tips on sticking with it and fighting back with dignity and grace.
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A
female
reader, rhythmandblues2 + ♥, writes (27 October 2009):
You are a year older than myself and I am single and I not so long ago got out of a two year relationship where I felt my boyfriend did not love me as much as I loved him, he had a lot of female friends and even kept in touch with some of his ex girlfriends. I can tell you that if he doesn't care about how this makes you feel then that makes him a very self centered maybe even pathologically narcissistic. I know a lot of men feel that their wives or girlfriends shouldn't tell them who they can and cannot talk to, but he has crossed a line here and it is obvious to you and everyone else.
I can't tell you what to do, to end your marriage or stay and live a life with him as a roommate. With the current economic conditions there are many unhappy married couples going through divorce and living together because they can't really afford to do otherwise, so it can be complicated.
All I can say is you are right you aren't getting any younger and life is too short to be miserable.
There is nothing better than a great relationship and nothing worse than a bad one. I think I feel lonelier in a relationship where I am not being cared for than I am alone. Alone I can at least live my own life and not be affected by what the man is or isn't doing, I don't have to listen to his problems or help him out and he isn't just taking taking taking and giving nothing back except attitude. I can move on and do what makes me happy and I don't have to be in a relationship to be happy. I don't need this one person in order to be happy. I am free to let love come in again the next time I find it and hopefully I will actually find a man who wants to take care of me for a change and if not I am fine on my own.
Life is too short to be full of crap and living like a dung beetle in a pile of it.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (27 October 2009):
 I agree too. I'm sorry he is being such a wanker! If you look at your life and your marriage what would YOU like to see happen? So you think him not talking to her would help your marriage? Or would he start to "resent" you or simply find another "friend" . BTW Friend my ass. He is involved with her. If not physically then very much emotionally.
As much as I think most people deserve a second chance I think you have given your husband PLENTY to be there for you and drop her.
You might have to let him know exactly how this makes you feel. If you can't talk to him write him a letter/e-mail. If he still refuses there isn't much you can do other then move on. Living like room mates is not a marriage.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (27 October 2009):
I have no clue why you have put up with this behavior for 4 years! Either your husband's "friend" has to go or you do. That is the only way I can see any happiness for you in the future. If he chooses the homewrecker then it's his loss and you are free to move on and find that happiness. Good luck to you and keep us posted.
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 October 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI would like to thank rythmandblues for her answer. I know she is right, but I have already confronted my husband and threatened to move out, but nothing has changed and I don't think it ever will. He is besotted by this woman and nothing I say or do will change his views on her. We have been married for 37 years now and have children and grandchildren, these have kept me sane to be honest, if it wasn't for them I would have gone under a long time ago. I suppose I have always been possesive with my children and maybe my husband has he is always telling me, but it was only because I loved him so much that I wanted him to myself (maybe that was wrong) he has become a different man where this woman is concerned, he has become a terrible liar and I don't trust him anymore and I don't think I ever can now. Do you think there is a future now or should I really think about going it alone, I am 54 and not getting any younger.
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A
female
reader, rhythmandblues2 + ♥, writes (27 October 2009):
Well, I can hear in your post that your heart is breaking and you are very hurt by all this.
I would be too if I were you.
Regardless of whether or not there is anything sexual going on between him and this woman, your husband and she are definately having an "emotional" affair. And that is cheating.
Human beings simply do not have enough emotional energy in their day to focus on two such emotionally close relationships. He promised to love you for better or for worse, in sickness and health, for richer and poorer and to be your rock and support, not hers.
I think it is ultimatum time. Tell your husband that you are not stupid, you see the words he has written about his feelings for her, you have seen the jewelry he has bought her, you have heard it from his own lips that he does not want to end this so called friendship.
Tell him to shit or get off the pot. It is either her or you, but you are not going to stand for this another second. You are his wife, not his roommate.
If he is unhappy in your marriage, if there has been financial and health issues that has caused stress then he needs to turn towards you not away from you and work together to make your marriage stronger and you happier.
This is not a me and you kind of deal. This is an us, a joint agreement to build the kind of life together that both of you can feel enthusiasitc about. You are less than enthusiastic about the time and emotional energy he is taking away from your marriage and your family and giving to her. Tell him about it.
Stand your ground, you are absolutely, unequivocally right here.
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