A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:So my husband works to keep me at the moment he literally pays for almost everything (including holidays, clothes, materialistic things etc) But bare in mind I don't ask him for that he just does it. I'm unable to work at the moment due to my severe anxiety and depression.The past couple of years my husband has also suffered with some deep depression so he started to smoke weed gradually. Due to my illnesses I began smoking with him as I felt it calmed my anxiety and helped me a little. However lately this habit has crept up to 400 a month! We're really struggling because of this and we owe out money to family. I told him I want us to stop as we can't afford it. He then started an argument with me telling me that I'm okay with him paying for my stupid holidays and luxuries yet this is all he has in his life and I want to take it away from him and I'm selfish. Am I being unreasonable here? Yes he pays for everything which I appreciate but I'd rather not have it if he's going to throw it in my face whenever he can..
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male
reader, N91 +, writes (8 September 2018):
 Yes I do think you’re being unreasonable.
There are many people that suffer from the same as you that aren’t in a position where they don’t have to work. They have to drag their ass out of bed every morning and go and work a job on top of the daily battles they face in their depression and anxiety. They don’t complain they just do it because they have to. Getting a job is probably the only lifeline that some people suffering depression have, knowing that it gets them out into the world and keep up communication with people, I bet there’s some people out there who put having a job down to pulling them through. Who knows if that could benefit you?
Are you seeking help for your depression? If not I find it a little contradictory to be nagging at him whilst you’re not trying to work through your issues to get back to working to help support your partner.
Whilst I don’t frown upon drug use as some of the other aunts and uncles do as I believe everybody has their own different release from reality. I do believe when it gets to a point where it’s affecting daily life or making financial burdens then it needs to stop. There is a limit and it seems as though it’s getting to that point where money is being owed out because of it. Are you still smoking it with him? Because if you are and you’re complaining about it then you haven’t really got a leg to stand on have you?
At the end of the day, the guy is grafting his ass off so you don’t have to work and you’re complaning about how he spends his money, yes I agree it’s not an ideal scenario, but you say you’d rather not have that if he throws it in your face? Then you need to get a job, there’s no other solution, make your own money then you have every right to criticise his financial decisions if it’s impacting your future together, until then it’s his money, his choices.
A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (8 September 2018):
 You don't ask him to be a kept woman, but if he didn't do it for you then who else would? Honestly it must be tough on him having the burden off financially supporting the both off you. Credit to him, you found a decent man. Before you blame the anxiety and depression and say nobody understands, well I do as I suffer from both, and I still work and provide for myself as that is life. My husband also has extreme social anxiety yet he works, if we both didn't we would have no kind off life. Sometimes you need to get the help that is out there and not use it as an excuse not to work or earn your own money. So first off get the help you need and look for work.
At least your husband still works and hasn't used it as an excuse to sit around smoking weed all day as some people do. That in actual fact makes depression worse, it can also leave you paranoid. Having no purpose to your day is only going to make your mental health issues worse. I do think it would benefit you both to stop smoking weed but you are both adults and you both make your own decisions.
I agree with him that you are coming across as seflfish you say that you want you both to give it up as use cannot afford it, but he probably could afford it if he didn't need to financially pay for your living costs as well. How is it you are okay to go on holidays with your illness but not okay to work?
If you would rather not have his support then you know what you need to do. You need to take charge off your own life, work on your mental health and get a job. You cannot live your life never working or paying for anything. What would happen if you fell pregnant? Honestly there are people out there who physically cannot work who would do anything to change that so they could live a normal life. There really is no excuses why you cannot work with anxiety and depression. Go to your doctor and get yourself some CBT and work hard on dealing with your issues.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 September 2018): Yes, you are being selfish & you should cut back. $400 a month is ridiculous to be paying.
I have dealt with severe anxiety my entire life. I have a job that I love and it has provided me more joy and fulfillment than staying at home ever could. I’m not saying it’s easy, but you need to find a purpose rather than wallowing. Seek counseling, medication, exercise, or your higher power. Only YOU have the power to change this. Your partner did- and he is now being productive, while you sit at home. Of course he’d be frustrated.
Pursue help. Smoke weed still if you want, but you need to help pay for it and not self-Medicate with just that.
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A
male
reader, Roboaxe  +, writes (7 September 2018):
 "All he has in his life" sounds like a huge red flag for serious addiction. You both need to cut out weed from your life. Start with you, don't take it anymore. Hopefully he will follow.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (7 September 2018):
 I think you need to get off your ass and 1. work on getting help for the anxiety and depression so you can ACTUALLY contribute to the lifestyle you are leading.
Yes, you may not be asking for anything or telling him what to spend money on and buy for you, but you are not exactly saying no thanks, are you?
And telling HIM to cut down on the weed when YOU are doing it with him? Really? Why don't YOU lead by example and quit?
I do get that it helps some people with anxiety, but like so many other things it's TEMPORARY, you need a more permanent solution so you can be a productive member of society. And weed isn't it.
Over time you might even find that anxiety and depression gets worse due to the weed thing and.. of course the financial hole you two are digging for yourself.
Work on yourself. Put your focus on that. And if you don't want him to through it in your face learn to say no thanks for things you know he can't really afford and that YOU aren't contributing with.
You might also want to help him make a budget and stick to it, but in the end... it's HIS money and he can do as he pleases with it.
It sounds rather dysfunctional - is that really how you see your future?
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