A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend and I have been dating for several years. We do not live together. He wants me to move in with him, but I won't, because his ex-wife still has a key, and he refuses to change the locks. I don't feel safe leaving my things in his house if she still has access. He won't change the locks because, he says, it is still her house. He has yet to sell it and give her the half she gets from their divorce. I feel almost like he is holding on for some reason. That's just me, though.He refuses to talk marriage with me as well, even though marriage is something I have wanted since my divorce many years ago. I have had opportunities to marry others, but never felt they were the right one. I have long felt he is the right one. However, he cannot make up his mind whether he wants to marry me or not. He has had an abundance of reasons, but last night told me that his heart loves me, but his head doesn't understand me. That's his latest reason.I feel like, after dating several years, we should know where this is going. He says he wants to marry me, just not yet. He doesn't know when, either. He won't get engaged, either. Am I being too demanding? I feel like he makes so many excuses to continue doing things his way instead of considering what I want and need. He wants to continue dating me. I feel rather worn out with this entire thing. Any thoughts, friends? I'm feeling very frustrated today and need some outside advice.
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divorce, engaged, ex-wife, his ex Reply to this Question
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female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (3 May 2017):
 honestly it doesn't sound like he is ready to fully let go off his ex at this stage. He knows he is not treating you as he should be hence the reason why he is getting defensive and trying to throw it back on you. Me personally if I wanted to get married I would not wait around for him to make up his mind, because all his excuses are not a good sign.
A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts  +, writes (2 May 2017):
 You don't just St need our advice; you *need* to take it. Don't stay with someone who is clearly being childish and disrespectful. He doesn't care about what you want.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 May 2017): Thank you for the answers so far [I am the original poster of the question.] I do know for a fact that the divorce is final. Believe it or not, the lawyer did not write in when the house was to be sold, so actually, he can legally drag his feet till the end of time, I suppose. It says nothing about when anything is to be done by or what date, but the papers are official and it was posted in the paper, and I can also look it up online. He has recently decided that some of my texts are not ringing through on his phone, and is neglecting to respond to me when I text him. When I tell him straight up that he is hurting me, he asks if it's really HIM who is hurting me, or if I am just making it up.I appreciate you all so much. Thank you for at least talking to me and for giving me this advice. I need it.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (1 May 2017):
 Auntie YouWish raises a really good point.
ARE you sure that the divorce is actual FINAL? Or do you just have HIS word on that?
You know a $15 (ish) background check could confirm that...
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A
male
reader, Denizen +, writes (1 May 2017):
 I agree with the other Aunts. It is time to draw a line in the sand. He doesn't want to commit to you in marriage, and is still living in her house apparently.
I clean break with his ex' should mean the house be sold and he invests his share in a new home with you. That way you have a clean start together.
The marriage thing need not be a deal breaker but you should make a decision on that. Could you be happy in a civil partnership if he came without ties.
If you have your own place together could that be enough?
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (1 May 2017):
 Sounds to me like he is stringing you along. After several years, you know where you stand with someone. And you either want to be married or you dont. He doesnt. But he know he will lose you if he tells you that, so he makes up these excuses to try and hold on to you longer. But it is not fair to you.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (1 May 2017):
 Uhhh, I would be wondering immediately if this guy is actually legally divorced from his wife, because it doesn't sound like he is. Courts, when granting divorces, also grant ownership of marital assets and put deadlines on things that must be sold and divided. No legal divorce I have ever heard of would possibly allow such a several-year indefinite state of limbo on large marital assets. Often if there are children involved, the house is awarded to the guardian, or if there are no minor children involved, the house is either sold, or a mediator divides the assets (i.e. one person gets the house, another gets business or retirement holdings or pensions or an increase or reduction in alimony). What they do not do is have some sort of joint forever-holding.
I don't think this guy you're with is divorced. The tip here is that you've been with him for "several years" and this house is still a "joint ownership". A finalized divorce would have given a deadline and a method to disposing of all marital assets and debts, culminating in a finalization where NO asset is in a joint receivership any longer.
I also don't know which state you live in, but you would do well to research the public courts in the state he was married and "divorced" in to see if you can find the actual court file on the dissolution of marriage, because this guy is showing ALL THE SIGNS of not having any dissolution. The fact that his wife holds house keys is another huge clue. People do that during a separation, not a divorce, and some separations can go on forever.
I have a suspicion that you've been strung along and that you are in fact with a still-married man, though separated. Separated IS STILL MARRIED.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 May 2017): It does sound like he's stringing you along with all his excuses. Not sure if it'll work in your relationship, but I'm pretty blunt with the guys that I date. If something they're doing or not doing, I make sure they know It! I tell them nicely at first, but if it doesn't change fast, they better be ready to fight! I'm in a great relationship now, pretty much drama-free. You deserve better than the way your guy is treating you. Talk to him, but be firm. Just in case, be ready to dump him too, if he keeps giving excuses. Take care.
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (30 April 2017):
You really need to decide if this is what you want for the rest of your life. Unless you give him an ultimatum, he won't change. Even if you do, he may not and you'll need to leave.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (30 April 2017):
He says he wants to marry you but not yet... WHAT does that even mean? Does he give you an answer to WHEN he might think he would marry you?
He also says he cannot make up his mind whether he wants to marry you or not. WHICH I think is the actual truth or CLOSER to the actual truth.
I don't think he WANTS to marry anyone again. He keeps stringing you along with all kind of BS excuses and feeding you the "I want to marry you blah blah" so YOU will stick around. He doesn't even want to get engaged but my guess is if you tell him:"you know what? I told you from the start I was looking for a husband and you aren't interested so I will end it and walk away" He will come up with EVEN more excuses as to WHY he can't marry you... just yet.
He doesn't want to sell the house because it's a hassle, it will mean he has to move and give HER half the value which means, he would HAVE to buy something much cheaper/smaller. apparently, SHE is OK with him not selling it either.
YOU, dear OP have to decide HOW important is marriage to you. IS it a deal-breaker or not? If you WANT to get married I don't think this guy is IT for you. If marriage isn't a total deal-breaker - Give him 12-18 months to decide (or whatever timeline YOU are comfortable with) and see what happens. The only BAD thing with that is that it gets preciously close to being an ultimatum. And IF he then proposes to you ... HE might feel it was "under duress" of sorts. Can't really win with an ultimatum.
And I think you ae being VERY smart in not moving in with him. You'd be giving up YOUR home to live in a place that will NOT be yours - it's THEIRS - him and his ex-wife's.
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