A
female
age
30-35,
*ayz666
writes:I've been with my boyfriend for just over a year and in that time we have been in love.However.. something that I tried not to let bother me in the beginning has recently really started to get on my nerves.My boyfriend, I feel, is a huge cheapskate.I currently do not have a job and am living off my savings and benefits, he has a full-time job although I know it doesn't pay particularly well, its still way better than me.More times than not we will go out and I will be the one that foots the bill, when we go to dinner or to the cinema, we will stand at the counter and he will simply ignore that fact things need to be paid for!not to mention he doesn't drive, so I drive and pay petrol too!Also the first birthday I had whilst I was with him, I was unemployed but he was working and bringing home a nice wage, we had been together about 10 months and I thought He might treat me to something nice..He produced a Lush carrier bag (didn't even bother to wrap) and gave me my present, which turned out to be some bath bombs, with the receipt still in the bag.That night I thought he'd offer to go out for dinner, but his family ended up getting a take away, which he managed to make up two tiny portions from for me and him.Even our first Christmas together.. I had to drive him to the shops on Christmas eve just so he could get me a Christmas card because he hadn't got one.I really don't want to sound shallow because I know life isn't about how much money you have... but if this is all I have to look forward to.. I'm starting to dread the thought of the future. Should I stay with him and just stop being so picky?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 September 2013): To me it's unthinkable for a woman to be expected to pay for ANY of the date, let alone all of it. He doesn't drive... I see you live in England. I guess that over there you guys have public transportation or it's possible to walk? Here in USA, they are VERY inconsiderate about transportation, but I have lived in a couple foreign countries where you just get on a bus and go, or just walk wherever, and I had the idea that most of the world was like that. I couldn't stand a relationship with a guy who wasn't gentlemanly and chivalrous. You love each other, so don't give up on the relationship without trying to make it work. ONE universal thing I've learned about relationships, across the board, is that you have to be direct and talk about things. if you conceal your feelings from friends or boyfriends, it creates problems down the road. You should take some time to talk to your boyfriend, and I think he'll understand.
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (14 September 2013):
 YOU ARE NOT wrong...
but the only way to know it it to stop doing all these things.
stop paying.
stop rowing the boat for him
if you want to go out out with him then say "I want to go but I can't afford it" if he says he pays then great.. if he says "oh well next time" then you know he's just a user.
I sense that once you stop footing his bills he''ll be gone...
and if that happens, he never loved you just your car and your money.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (14 September 2013):
 Shallow ? Picky ?....OP, you should wake up and smell the coffe, and realize you are dating not only a cheapskate but a very cheeky entitled first class moocher !
I would understand if he just never paid for you and never gave you gifts ( well no, I would not understand because I hate tightwades,- and the story about the birthday dinner consisting in his family's leftover is outrageous ! -yet I realize that being generous is optional, not mandatory ).
But, what kind of a man siphons off his unemployed gf's savings to be taken out to dinner or to the movies ?...What did he want to be when he grew up, a gigolo ?...
STOP paying for him, don't pull out even a dime anymore. If he wants to always go Dutch, that's acceptable, but nothing more. As a matter of fact, I have a much better idea : STOP dating this big loser !
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (14 September 2013):
 I'm all for being equal, but he is taking advantage of you and because he KNOWS you are trying to be polite and make the best of it, he KNOWS you will foot the bill.
So next time he wants to go to the movies TELL HIM - I can't afford it.
STOP spending your savings on this. If you can't afford to do all this then DO NOT do it. If he doesn't start pulling his weight with bills/paying then you at least know exactly where he stands.
As for your Christmas present... well, he could be a sucky gift-giver - you would be surprised how many men SUCK at buying presents. Set a $ amount for presents, so you both spend equally.
Other then him being a cheap ass, how is he as a BF?
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A
female
reader, Aunty Babbit +, writes (13 September 2013):
 You're not selfish, shallow or unreasonable.
Ok the Christmas card and pressie thing is thoughtless but some guys are just like anyway.
The other stuff, meals out, cinema etc is downright ignorant, selfish and stingy.
Take action. When at a fast food place, for example, when he tells you what he wants hold your hand out and, if you have too, tell him how much his meal will cost. If he laughs or refuses to pay then don't get his meal. When at the cinema say "I paid last time, it's your turn tonight!" if he doesn't pay up, buy a ticket for yourself and leave him in the foyer. Let's be honest you've got the car so he can't leave you stranded.
It's unlikely, but possible, that he's just got used to your generosity and doesn't consider your financial position. Your savings won't last forever though, what then?
The reality is probably much more likely to be that he is either a miser or he's a sponger. Either way it's not good.
I think you have to tackle this head on and if he won't change, you'll have to move on, because if his behaviour is annoying you now, after a year, imagine how much worse it feel in two or more!
Stand firm and stop letting him take advantage of your generosity.
I hope this helps AB x
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 September 2013): What are you his mother ? How did it even happened that you are paying for him all the time? Is he crazy? Even for a cheap person it's too much. It's like a mental case for me. To let you just pick up the check all the time. He is probably with you because he finally found someone who enables this crazy behavour. Drop him and forget about him.
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A
female
reader, Caring Aunty A  +, writes (13 September 2013):
 This will certainly drive you nuts if you decide to stay with him… Unfortunately these people are programmed to be stingy and last minute thinkers. Some are down right spongers and soak up all your savings if you’re not careful.
Having experienced this type before, they’re somehow oblivious to being considerate, generous and thoughtful. They just don’t make you feel (that) special as we make them feel!?
Although my present partner started off this way due to previous circumstances making him financially cautious; he now is my (semi) wallet :) although he still remains a last minute doer and thinker which continues to drive me nuts as I’m a planner and an organised person.
Be that you stand there at the counter with him; you too can ignore the fact of paying the bill? Or better still, simply say that you’ll wait at the table while he goes up and pays for dinner etc. If he grumbles at that, you’re best to put him in his place of being a gentleman or ditch his stingy arse!?
Take care – CAA
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 September 2013): next time you go to dinner/the cinema and it's time to pay up, do nothing, just wait. if he looks at you expectantly, say it's his turn to pay and see how he reacts...then have a direct conversation with him about this issue...then it's make or break time. either he contributes financially or you walk, not 'cos your shallow, but 'cos you deserve to be treated with respect and as an equal and treated as a princess from time to time, not as a doormat!
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A
female
reader, emmat +, writes (13 September 2013):
I think you need to be straight to the point and state matter of factly you've been together a year and felt strongly in love however, this has been shadowed recently by the nagging fear that all is not quite what it seems. give him the chance to say what he may feel for you try to acknowledge or encourage him to articulate his feelings then say that this issue of non payment is something that needs addressing, that you need conviction. The saying actions speak louder than words..keeps coming to mind. Ask as well whether he has been used in the past... but just ask quite simply that if he declares strong feelings then why is this not backed by wanting to please you.. to make you feel happy, loved, appreciated demonstrated by acts of giving..To be cosseted, appreciated and special is what you deserve as a loving couple . You would like equality when it comes to giving..you give in everyway you can ie lifts and paying when not prompted spontaneously but why is this not reciprocated? You do what you can yet you feel sad that this behaviour does not come naturally to him. you need to understand this to ascertain his intentions..you need to keep it real.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 September 2013): Its already a sign that you should not take your bf seriously. because he is exactly what you think he is.
You deserve better. You know that.
I'm sorry but think he is treating you like a doormat.
But the good thing is your super wide awake from his cheap treats for you.
Time to get a new bf, remember,
Its not all about the money but it also tells a LOT about someone's character.
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A
female
reader, PeachCobbler03 +, writes (13 September 2013):
 No, you are not being shallow. What stood out in your letter was this: "I currently do not have a job and am living off my savings and benefits, he has a full-time job although I know it doesn't pay particularly well, its still way better than me." Does he know this? If he knows this, he should at least expect to go dutch. Before you and him decide on another date, it would be a good idea to discuss the status of your finances, and how it will affect your outings.The fact that you're starting to dread a future with him is a big red flag and is something you need to thoroughly examine. I think at times women look at a man's future potential, not at what he is right now. This is who he is, right now. Are you willing to accept this behavior and hope/wait for him to change?
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (13 September 2013):
Not only is he cheap, but he's not very considerate or thoughtful. It's time you chose. Is this something you can accept (and not be always getting upset about)? Or will it continue to drive you nuts for the rest of your relationship? If it's the latter, then you need to learn a lesson about the importance of compatibility for long term happiness and walk away.
Now, you didn't really mention whether or not this is something that you've had a conversation with him about. Has he promised to change? Ignored you? Got upset at the conversation?
If you still haven't really tried to work it out with him than start there first. Otherwise, make your choice!
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A
female
reader, Intrigued3000  +, writes (13 September 2013):
 You are not being shallow. I'd be irritated with him too. Being a cheapskate is not a great quality to have in a mate, so if after a year, he still expects you to foot the bill for everything, he does not sound very promising. Many women would not have given him a year, so he's lucky. Have you been vocal about this irritation? Try the direct approach. Next time it comes to paying, make him pay. If you want to work through this issue then you have to tell him how much it bothers you. If he's still being cheap after you tell him, then I'd say this is what you'll have to deal with for the rest of your life and you need to rethink the future of the relationship, but talk to him first and let him know that you don't like the fact that he's cheap. Make sure that you let him know all the other positive stuff about him, so that he isn't hurt, but you've got to let him know how you feel about this issue.
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