A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:My ex-boyfriend of 6 months broke up with me last month, we had a pretty amicable breakup (he told me that we have a good thing and it was hard because he loves me but he just doesn't see himself married to me one day and tbh I don't either since we're both so young) and agreed to stay friends. At that point is just lost my job a couple days before and so was in quite a low place but weirdly once I got over both things I started to feel a lot happier and thinking that maybe the break up was for the best and I was basically a better person afterwards.Then (as pretty much all our friends are mutual) we inevitably saw each other two weeks later and despite me thinking it was going to be awkward it felt like we'd never broken up, we just slipped into flirting again. He was having a rough time so invited me out to dinner to talk where we agreed that what we had was good and that he misses me but doesn't want to be in a relationship with me . At that point I told him that's fine but no flirting then.Since then we've been hanging out, going on dates, texting each other most nights, sleeping together and all our friends know that we're dating just not exactly what's going on so given his promise that he doesn't want to hurt me I asked him exactly what he wants this to be, he told me that he still loves me and that I'm the only girl he wants to be with, he wants to be exclusive but again still doesn't want to be my boyfriend or for me to tell my parents we're back together. I believe that he genuinely isn't sleeping or looking to be in a relationship with other girls but I'm seeing a lot of red flags and want to know if I should be protecting myself or if I'm just oversensitive because he broke up with my already? I don't mind if he doesn't see a long term future with me but I wouldn't mind dating him for a while at least
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (24 October 2017):
 Don't have sex with anyone if you have feelings for them and they are not offering more, because in the end it will be you that gets hurt. People sometimes know the right things to say so that they can have no strings attached sex, but if he is not willing to be in a relationship with you then that tells me he is not interested and that you are going to get hurt a lot and there will be lots off drama to come. Stop ignoring the red flags and tell him it is all or nothing.
A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (24 October 2017):
 He's using you for sex. You're his FWB without having signed up for it.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 October 2017): WhY date someone with no future? ??what's the point?? How long would you carry on dating someone pointless? ? Don't waste your young yrs on him ..
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A
female
reader, 02DuszJ +, writes (24 October 2017):
 Stop ignoring the "red flags" and pursuing something that you feel guilty and unsure about- because you know deep down that you're selling yourself up the river and disrespecting yourself by settling for a FWB situation-
YOU'RE the one being used here, because you're the one one that deep down is kidding yourself it's gonna lead to more.
The thought of marrying you is a definite no in his mind! No matter how young you are, when you're MAD about someone that thought at least crosses your mind- you don't just rule it out! It's called being in love with someone
IMAGINE. If the thought of marrying someone feels WRONG,or makes you despair are YOU going to change your mind? Nope.
He is using you for sex and companionship like Honey pie and is justifying any small amount of guilt he has by the fact that YOU said you're OK with it.
You need to be disciplined here, like a 20 stoner needs to cut out junk food. It's hard but CUT CONTACT.Do you think a marriage that is not one persons hearts desire will last?
You're really heading towards a disaster here if you don't start taking back your self respect. Not only will you be heartbroken and be feeling incredibly stupid/ angry with yourself you'll be looking around for your self esteem, because it will be at an all time low. You will end up feeling that you're not good enough and that a thing to use is your worth.
Or you COULD be reclaiming that high powered liberation you felt when you did the right thing and distanced yourself.
As you have the same friends, take a break from going out with the ones who want him to tag along. True friends will honour your feelings and help you avoid him. That's a key to this.. if you keep going out and seeing him, it's just like giving the 20 stoner a free pass to the doughnut shop..
Please- if he was in love with you you would know by now. Don't ever ignore red flags or your gut.
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A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (24 October 2017):
 I wouldn't be so confident on the whole 'I don't think he's sleeping with anyone else' front.
In a nutshell he's saying I want to sleep with you and nothing more and it seems like you're okay with that. He is hiding you from his family and yours, I don't really think yours and his friends knowing really matters as that doesn't stop young people from sleeping around these days.
To me it seems like there's going to be a whole lot of drama ahead.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (24 October 2017):
 So he doesn't want to be your BF and he doesn't want YOU to be his GF, but he still wants the whole "having a GF experience" with dates, sex, texting and hanging out? Am I getting that right?
So what happens when he DOES meet a girl he wants to date? Or you meet a guy?
Most people your age group KNOWS that marriage might not be in the cards yet (which is fine) but what he is doing is USING you in lieu of better... He hasn't met anyone else so he went BACK to you. For sex and company. Because he doesn't want to be alone. And well you seem willing to be his friendly f-buddy and FWB.
YOU, on the other hand, seem to think that if you DO this little "secret" arrangement - HE might change his mind and ACTUALLY date you. And that is a mistake.
You are the "only" girl he wants to be with (right now) simply because he hasn't met anyone else (right now) that he wants to date and quite frankly... he gets the whole GF-experience with you - DRAMA FREE!! because you are NOT BF and GF. You are the girl he DOES like, who is willing to have sex with him, flirt, rub his ego but the moment you want more, he can pull out the.. "well, we are not a couple excuse".
If you are OK with being his secret and NOT being able to tell your family that you are seeing him again - but it's not really a relationship just some mutual sharing of company and sex... then keep seeing him.
Personally? I think you are wasting your time on him and doing this little "whatever" arrangement is holding YOU back from meeting a guy who SERIOUSLY wants to be with you.
So you have to decide whether you are willing to settle for the crumbs he is tossing you or not. And then act accordingly.
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