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Am I Being Played - - or Am I the One At Fault?

Tagged as: Cheating, Marriage problems, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (16 July 2017) 7 Answers - (Newest, 19 July 2017)
A male United States age 51-59, *otWhoYouThink writes:

Why did I allow myself to get to this point with her?

Bit of a different spin. I am married. Main Head Boss of Organization. 300 employees. Always been aware of importance to treat all employees respectfully, etc. I've always adhered to the general premise that any employee that came to see you or displayed an interest -had their own agenda.

I have had female employees in the past that I found attractive but NEVER allowed it to interfere with work and to be honest none were ever attractive enough to even hold my attention for more than a moment.

This past year, a high ranking female employee and I had to spend time together working on several projects. She is very attractive, smart, we have common interests etc. but I NEVER acted inappropriately despite the fat that I found her enjoyable to be with. She is married also.

Long story short, we did begin texting about a few work matters and within a short time, our texts turned to a personal nature.

I knew this was not appropriate and stopped texting her outside of work and kept all things work related. Yet, she would continue to want to text by asking why I was ignoring her etc.

I met with her and told her that it was wrong and that I as head of the organization was putting my reputation on the line along with that of my career and I told her that typically, any individual that displayed personal interest in 'the boss'l had other reasons/motives. She said ok but still would text etc.

Finally, I allowed my male ego etc. to be drawn in and continued the texting. At this time, I told her that I really liked her and she said she liked me. We both have problems in our current marriage but neither of us view a separation/divorce in the immediate future.

Our texting turned to physical touching at the office (No sex, No kissing, - just hugs etc.)

Then, she said she could not do any of it anymore. It was hard for me but I said ok...Yet, I'll go 2 or 3 days without texting and then she will send a text to me asking how i am etc.

I know it is wrong. And I want to to stop. Yet, overtime I try, she seems to still want to carry it on. Yet, she has made clear also that she feels guilty.

So is she using me? I don't get it. I am not a Don Juan.

What I don't also get is that she is very attractive and smart and yet her husband controls her in every sense...tells her what to wear; shops for her outfits and pick them out for her every day of the week, expects dinner at certain time etc...But she says she'd never divorce him.

Am I being played? Why does she stay -I feel guilty so we need to stop and not take it further but yet seem to still want to text me etc.

Feel like an adolescent.

View related questions: divorce, kissing, text

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A male reader, judgedick France + , writes (19 July 2017):

judgedick agony auntI am not going to start telling you where you went wrong as you pointed all that out in your op.

What you're into now is limiting the damage. To do that you need to look at what damage there could be.

1 Making the distance between you and this woman in a way that you do not hurt her.

2 Protecting your jobs, you don't want to lose your job or you don't want her to lose her job.

3 Keeping others from knowing, it is no one's business just yours, you both fell into this and you both need to back off before you let it go too far.

ALL these points are intertwined and the best you can hope for is to talk to this co-worker and in talking don't do like many that get into this type situation and just talk down to her or just tell her what you think, you both fell into this together, both have to take their part of responsibility so you need to listen to her.

The 4th part of this question the part you did not address is the part with your other halves, hers has nothing to do with you as long as she is not being beaten up.

You have to take time to get things right with your wife, (this could be time off work, and can help with you putting a distance between you and the co-worker, give you time to think about everything going on in your life and recharge your battery)

If you're looking at the issues with your wife as you do with this co-worker you are shifting most of the blame on her,

Fellows are good at listing what they want in a wife, (you know the list the good mother, the listener, the mistress, the lover, that list can vary from one couple to another) the more complete the better, but often we put our wives into a straight jacket, DON'T FORGET women have a list that their man needs to fill too. Are you filling her list...?

I am not going to go on with you in telling you to do this that or the other as I don't know you or your wife.

Just in the same way you need to talk and hear what she wants and needs to see if you can put things back together and if not as it might be too late or you might have just grown apart if so do the right thing and break up.

So to sum up you need to talk to two women and often the best talks are made up with you listening to what they have to say. both parts of this are part of the same problem as if things were right at home you would not be in this stew today.

AND DO THINK ABOUT THE TIME OFF WORK, it might be better to take time off get things straight in your life and have a job to go back to than to end up with no JOB and no WIFE and no house,

I have seen people lose everything out of something that was next to nothing, things can get blown out to the extreme.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (18 July 2017):

Hi OP!

I am in a very similar situation, regarding being in a rocky marriage and allowing myself to go beyond flirting with a married woman who seems to be hot and cold all the time. My situation has died down and I've been able to look back on what happened with a clearer mindset. I don't know if it will help, but it might help you think of your situation from another angle.

In the times the other woman and I were together, we'd be very comfortable wtih each other, there'd be a lot of passion in the air, touchy-feely- classic sexual tension. But each occasion things began to get a bit more heated, she would stop. I'm ashamed to admit that I tried to encourage her on more than one occasion, wihtout success. We'd text for days at a time, then not at all for weeks. I'd think she was ignoring me and vice versa. We'd meet often and she's seem eager, but then other times, not interested at all.

Looking back, I can see that she was struggling with her conscience. I can also see that I was too, and was being as hot and cold with her. During our talks together, we both acknowledged that the 'spark and passion' was what was missing from our marriages and sex lives and, looking back, that was what was fun between us- the spark of sexual attraction and energy. The guilt and potential damage that going all the way could have caused was always in our minds.

So, I suggest to you that, maybe she is very interested in you but chooses to do the right thing in the heat of the moment. We're all human and have needs, desires and there is always temptation, it's a nightmare sometimes! So seeing something interesting in this woman is not wrong in itself, the same goes for her. Do the right thing, tell her how you feel, but that you should end it so you can put this energy into both of your marriages instead, before you both do something you might regret.

I tried to give my wife the attention I was giving this other woman and things are getting better. I feel a guilt for acting on temptation but am so glad that we didn't allow it to go further.

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A female reader, Flabby Thighs United Kingdom +, writes (17 July 2017):

Get a grip on yourself. Give yourself a chance and DO NOT ENTERTAIN THIS. If you are that successful you should have plenty of self-discipline to stop this. Who cares what her motives are? What matters is your motives. How would you feel if your wife was doing this? Or your best friends wife? YOU CAN STOP THIS. C'mon dude you CAN!!

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A female reader, chigirl Norway + , writes (17 July 2017):

chigirl agony auntI wonder if you could tell us more about your wife and your marriage? Less focus on this "damsel in distress", and more focus on what your wife has done to deserve this. Thats what I am left curious about, because you never mention her at all. So you write as if your concern here is that she is your employee. But your concern for you marriage seems absent. Please give more info on this.

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A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (17 July 2017):

I run a corporate office, and several supervisors and staff answer to me. I have to stay on-top of things and always be a few-steps ahead of the pack; because I could easily put my head on the chopping-block with one false-slip. Others would love my job. You know exactly where I'm coming from. Since you didn't use the term CEO, I assume you may not be an American institution or business.

You're thinking with your dick. You're an educated, mature, experienced, and seasoned-professional; who functions in top-management. You can't see that she considers you as a stepping-stone and shortcut to satisfy her own ambitions?

Is your ego so huge that you can't see the obvious?

You are stacking-up legal-liabilities like toy building-blocks, to see how high they'll stand before they fall!

She's got text message communications she can show your wife. Office-gossips and spies are always on the lookout for shady office-romances and marital-affairs. She can scream foul at any time. It becomes he-said/she-said, but who stands to lose the most?

She has a husband, and has no plans to divorce him. He's probably very much aware of her ambitions and the methods she's willing to use to climb the ladder. Her brains, and her body if necessary. She sounds like a veteran and a pro.

If things go south, what leverage do you have? This is wrong on all counts. You are jeopardizing your position, and setting your company up for a scandalous sexual-harassment law-suit. She could always say she felt coerced and threatened for her job. She has text messages to prove you contacted her and had discussions unrelated to work. Her comments may be generic and suggestive; but yours may be more distinct in context by comparison. She may have been leading you on the whole time.

My suggestions all sound very paranoid. If you're up to what you're up to, you should be! My company has frequent seminars and training on sexual-harassment and proper conduct in the workplace. It includes all employees and management staff. It's a requirement if you have so many employees. If you're an American, you are well aware.

If you are a branch of a larger corporation, should the board or chairman catch wind of your shenanigans; the both of you would be out the door. Before the company places their credibility and reputation on the line. You know that as well as I do! If they protect you, that means they would have to bury her. How would that feel on your conscience?

She may have an iron-clad case; and walk-off with a ton of cash.

Yes sir! You most certainly are being played; and you're playing her in return. Don't try to be the victim. It could turn quite nasty and you could hardly defend yourself.

Outside of losing your job, and destroying your reputation; you could also ruin your marriage. I'm not quite sure that part really matters to you.

Sometimes there are eyes watching when you are totally unaware. Like strategically-placed surveillance security cameras. Got any of those?

Use your common-sense man. Just stop!!! No big discussion about it. Just stop and go professional. Imagine the scandal, office-gossip, and the embarrassment. It's just not worth all the risks. You've already gone too far.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (17 July 2017):

Honeypie agony auntAre you playing her?

If not, then I don't think she is playing you. You are both OLD enough to know better but you both CHOOSE to not act better.

What exactly do you want to happen with this woman? And why?

Your marriage might not be great at home but that is REALLY not a good excuse either for your behavior. If you think your wife isn't affected by YOUR actions, think again. You may think you are OH SO subtle with the texting as stuff... but my guess is she HAS noticed and IS hurt by it - even if she really doesn't have a clue.

YOU in particular as the Head Boss needs to be above reproach. Let's say the husband finds out and she blames you, then the whole thing snowballs into something you DO not want - WORK drama.

CUT it out. Yes, it soothes the ego yada yada yada but is that REALLY a good enough reason for what's going on?

You are BOTH at fault and should BOTH stop and behave professionally.

Instead of being so preoccupied with this woman, figure out what NEEDS to be done in your marriage to fix it, rekindle it or end it. Having an emotional affair at work isn't exactly helping your marriage... is it?

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (17 July 2017):

The problem is both of you are unhappy within your marriages. You need to put a stop to all the touching texting and anything else that is inappropriate.

There is a reason why it's said business and pleasure don't mix. I feel sad for her and you as you both obviously could do with a good friend as don't seem to have that in your respective partners. Forget about this ladies marriage and concentrate on your own. Say what you mean and mean what you say before things get out of hand and you have problems at work and not just with your marriage. You sound like a kind person and I wish you luck.

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