A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Dating questionGuy I've been dating for 5 months. 1. He has a son he gets every wkend who I've met, but never get invited when they do things. Doesn't seem too big because it's a new relationship. 2. He works full and part-time as well. I see him about once a wk for 24 hours straight, which is ok, bcuz I'm in grad school and work full-time too. He has drama with his x-wife and I have my first surgery in 2 months, so we are both stressed. 3. He goes out with his boys at times and always tells me where/when, but I've never met the guys. 4. 2 wks ago, we were vacuuming our cars at my apartment, a girl got dropped off by her friend, he said he knew her. She left and drove back. He had e-mailed me pics of a motorcycle convention and her name was included in the forward. When I asked him about this, he said it was a different girl. I got nosy and looked on myspace and it's the same girl. I confronted him and he swears he only sent the e-mail bcuz she likes motorcycles but that nothing's ever gone on between them. I said I don't care who he talks to/e-mails, but I like honesty. I know guys sometimes fib bcuz they are afraid of making us mad, but I addressed all my complaints and we decided to take a week to cool off and then talk things over. Am I being immature and overreacting or should this relationship be ended based on these problems?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 February 2008): No, I don't think you overreacted. I like your statement here where you say "I don't care who he talks to/e-mails, but I like honesty."So absolutely. I am the same way. You are right that some guys lie and fib cause they think we'll get mad. But that attitude just shows how egotistical he is for him to assume that you even care that much about him or this relationship that you would get mad. I am sure he is not all that special. Or for him to assume that you are so petty that you would actually get mad over him being a player, that he would need to lie. Again, he's not that special. You wouldn't get mad, and yell and scream. You do not seem like a petty woman. You would just move on with grace and dignity. You are in grad school, you sound intelligent, and it is very condescending for him to treat you otherwise. I don't know. His actions say alot about him and the way he thinks about himself and about you. And it sounds like he is a bit egotistical and it sounds like he is not really giving you your place. You are a nice, intelligent woman and he should respect you and regard you high enough so that he doesn't need to lie to you. Furthermore, who does he think he is to assume that his lifestyle choices are going to affect you so much, so that he needs to lie to you about it, as if you have no life or nothing better to do than to worship him? That's so conceited on his part to think that. And that's just part of the problem. I haven't even gotten into how he hasn't introduced you to his friends, only sees you once a week, never invites you around his son, still has issues with his ex. This guy sounds like someone you definitely do not need in your life. You can do so WAY better. And yes it sounds like he is keeping you a secret and probably has no long term plans with you. He is treating you like such a jerk. Yes you should end it based on these problems.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 February 2008): I guess I'm not totally understanding the problems? Addressed all your complaints? What are your complaints? You talk about all this stuff but then say you are fine with it. that's confusing. If we're confused maybe you're not communicating your thoughts, feelings and expectations with your guy well either. It sounds like maybe you want more and are just getting frustrated at him now. You like honesty are you being honest and open with him about what you want? or do you just assume that he knows you want to meet his son or his guy friends? Honestly if you like this guy I'd just let it go. Sounds like unnecessary drama. He seems pretty upfront with you -- tells you where he's going with the guys, told you right up he knew the girl. If you are hoping to move the relationship to a more serious level interrogating him about who he emails and giving him a litany of complaints isn't the best strategy I don't think.
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A
female
reader, jabey  +, writes (22 February 2008):
the only thing here is knowing why you both decided to cool things off for a week.
i undersatnd your concerns, at present you do feel excluded froma lot of his life, and he was not honest about the girl being the same one.
I suggest after your cool off week, maybe ask him, what is he looking for in a relationship. Is he looking for a long term commitment, or is he looking for something casual.
Ask yourself what are you looking for. If you are looking for and wanting, an exclusive more serious relationship, and you want this with him. then he needs to be wanting the same thing really for it to work.
If he says he wants a committed reltionship, loves you cares for you. Then ask how the two of you could perhaps get closer, say can i meet your friends, spend a little more time together.
If he expresses he is after a more casual arrangement, then you have to decide if you can deal with that.
Be true to yourself and him, if you are unhappy with the arrangement, be brave and suggest it ends.
It is a horrible position to be in where you are suspicious and feeling like you dont know what is happening, dont put yourself through that. if this man really cares for you he will respect your honesty and hopefull be straight with you. and if he does not want to loose you I think he will pull out all the stops to make sure that does not happen.
Good luck, remeber your number one.
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A
male
reader, Ponungalungb +, writes (22 February 2008):
 It seems kind of like a long distance relationship . . . without the long distance. You don't seem to have time for each other. He has little time for anything other than work but makes time for his guy friends. He doesn't think enough of you to invite you along with his activities with his som. I really don't see much of a relationship from what you've written. If I were you, I wouldn't be losing sleep over it.
Maybe it is time to move on.
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A
female
reader, zoeyboey +, writes (22 February 2008):
i dont think you should end your relationship just because he emailed a girl . i think you should be a bit miore considerate towards hes feelings sounds like the guy has a bit on hes plate right now . why dont you give him some room to breathe ?
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A
male
reader, Richard_EMids +, writes (22 February 2008):
 Seems pretty minor to me. The way I read it, he has been honest. What do you think is going on?
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