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Am I being horrible to ask him to get tested?

Tagged as: Health, Sex<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (4 April 2014) 16 Answers - (Newest, 7 April 2014)
A female United Kingdom age 30-35, anonymous writes:

What should I do? Why won't he get tested? Am I overreacting?

So I haven't being with a guy sexually for 3years now and I've been dating this guy for almost a year now and I want us to start a sexual relationship. He says he hasn't been with any woman for 3 years.

I asked him to get tested before we do anything and I will do the same. Is not a problem but he got angry and said he won't get tested cause he hasn't being with a woman in 3years and I said I want a recent test we'll both get it done and he said he will show me his old test results but he won't get a recent test done cause he hasn't been with any woman in 3years.

Am I being horrible here?

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A reader, anonymous, writes (7 April 2014):

Hey, why wouldn't you go with him? Then you can see the results. He's doing it for you; but it's really for his own benefit. You really should see the results with your own eyes.

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A male reader, Sageoldguy1465 United States +, writes (6 April 2014):

Sageoldguy1465 agony auntHe wants you to "go with him"??!!!????.... What is he? some sort of CHILD who wants "Mommy" to be there, in case the "boo-boo" hurts him??????

I think you can plainly see that this is no MAN that you're dealing with, here....

Decide for yourself what YOU want for a "boyfriend".... a MAN or a CHILD.......

Damn... why didn't I have enough cajones to ask MY "girlfriend" to come along and make sure that the "big, bad "Doctor" didn't hurt me??????

Good luck... You're gonna need it, with this creature...

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (6 April 2014):

Honeypie agony auntSo go with him? It does seem like he IS scared of going. Maybe he can't put it into words why, so I wouldn't pry, I'd just go along.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (6 April 2014):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

I asked him if he will do the test or not and he said yeah but he wants me to come with him. I asked if he's scared he got defensive and said there's nothing to be scared off he's done it before.

I don't understand he gets angry & defensive when I talk about this test.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (5 April 2014):

While I agree getting tested is the right thing to do and you're not being horrible, I think people are being unduly harsh on your boyfriend.

You've been with him a year, so I can see why he may feel you don't trust him. Getting checked for STI's is quite invasive too.

I don't think it's as simple as just sticking to your guns, OP. I think you have to a lot more sensitive to how he feels and work towards convincing him by broaching the topic of trust, and tackling the issues around why he's reluctant.

I mean you can do as the others said and make demands, but it could cause too much of a rift. Try the approach of convincing him by remembering the fact you've been together so long and finding a way around that.

Remind him that sex is not the only way to contract an STI and if you can find out how soon after his last relationship he got checked, you may be able to use the fact that many don't show up on tests for months after the initial infection.

OP use tact and sensitivity here, being together a year means his feelings are understandable to a degree, you can't just cast them down, you need to work around them.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (5 April 2014):

It's sensible; I'll be doing the same when I'm sexually active.

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A male reader, CaringGuy United Kingdom +, writes (5 April 2014):

Don't touch him with a barge pole.

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A male reader, CMMP United States +, writes (5 April 2014):

His reaction says a lit about him, and not in a good way !

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (5 April 2014):

That is a reasonable requirement.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (5 April 2014):

Honeypie agony auntNo you are NOT being horrible, you are being SMART.

It's not like you are saying HE is full of STD's - you are just saying you want you BOTH to test so there will be no surprises.

He could have several STD's that doesn't affect him, but would affect you. Like Chlamydia. (just to name one).

So if he doesn't get new tests done (JUST LIKE YOU) then sex is out the window. What exactly is he scared of by testing again? It's not like he can get STD's from BEING tested.

I would actually compare being tested on a regular basis if you are sexually active and NOT in a long long term relationship - with a YEARLY check up or dentist teeth clean. It's part of your health.

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A female reader, chigirl Norway +, writes (4 April 2014):

chigirl agony auntNo, you're not being horrible. If he doesn't care enough about you to care about your health, then he isn't boyfriend material. Simple as that. You need to be firm on this, this isn't optional. If he wants sex with you, he gets tested. End of discussion. Doesn't matter if he hasn't been having sex for three years, it's not like an STI goes away without treatment. He could have chlamydia for example, that has no symptoms, just leaves you infertile and can cause harm to a fetus. He wouldn't know he has it.

And heaven forbid he carried HIV, which needs at least two weeks before it shows up on test. NOW is the perfect time for a test, BEFORE entering a new sexual relationship. Not three years ago, when he got out of a relationship.

And who knows what he defines as "sex", maybe he doesn't think oral sex counts. Or maybe he doesn't get that STI's can transmit without penetration. You just never know, really!

Lets face it, he can not possibly know if he is clean or not. He could have gotten any number of things these last three years, not even through sex. Hepatitis B also transmits through needles, even needles at a hospital if hygiene is poor. My ex boyfriend got a shot when he was in Ukraine as a child (he's half Ukraine/half Russian) and he got Hepatitis B from it.

So no, you can't take his word for it. And I emphasize again, if he can't respect your health, never mind his own, then he is not boyfriend material. If he's scared of the doctor, then he needs to own up to that and say so. But to try to make it out as you are a bad person for asking something so normal? Just makes him look suspicious.

Stand by your demand on this one, it is your health after all. He's not worth you risking your health.

My boyfriend volunteered to get tested before me and him became sexual. I told him I would go get tested, as for me this is just common courtesy. And he volunteered to get tested too, even thought he was a virgin. That's just how common and normal it is to get tested.

I wouldn't ask for a doctors notice though, I would trust whatever my boyfriend told me. But that is ONLY if he had not been acting suspicious about going... Like your guy is. In your case I'd be cautious.

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A female reader, WhenCowsAttack United States +, writes (4 April 2014):

Well, it is possible he has herpes or something, and doesn't want you to know. A shocking number of people dont have outbreaks very often, think they can't transmit it unless they're having one, and don't tell their partners. This WOULD come up on an STD test.

Anyway, stand your ground.

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A female reader, Euphoric29 Germany +, writes (4 April 2014):

Dear OP,

You're actually being smart and also fair to him. I wish there were more responsible people like you.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (4 April 2014):

Stand by your guns! Don't take anyone's word that they've been inactive sexually. It only takes one time to pickup the HIV virus, and it can be dormant for years. He could have had sex last night, and he wouldn't admit it to you.

I am gay, and I advocate safe-sex for everyone. HIV, herpes, syphilis, and gonorrhea do not know gender or sexual-orientation. Yeast and chlamydia are often asymptomatic on men. Infections can live for days under a man's foreskin.

They are STD's among humans. High risk is anyone who doesn't give a sh*t about their partner enough to keep them safe.

It frosts my cookies when even doctors and health-professionals talk in terms of "high-risk" groups. Anyone who has unprotected-sex with a partner; not knowing their HIV status, or if they are clean of disease, is high-risk as far as I'm concerned. You sleep with one guy or girl, you've slept with every other person they've has been with.

Over-cautious? Hell no!!! It's my life and my body. My personal responsibility to partners and myself.

I don't have sex without a condom. I will not engage in risky sexual behavior with one-night stands. I will not commit to a relationship; unless we are tested together for "all STD's," and share the results. Nor should you!

No testing? Ix-nay on sex!

No if's, and's, or buts about it.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (4 April 2014):

No,you're not being horrible but I can understand why some people would get offended if you ask them to get a test.Some people are a bit ignorant about stis and think that only dirty people get them.The best thing to do is go and get yours done first and show it to him so he knows youre not calling him dirty and then try asking him to go.If he refuses then don't ever do anything without a comdom.I always go and get them done every few months and I get my boyfriend to go too,even though we've known each other for 3 years and neither of us find it offensive.

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A male reader, Sageoldguy1465 United States +, writes (4 April 2014):

Sageoldguy1465 agony auntNope. You're being sensible. If'n he won't agree to be tested for STD's (It's reasonable to "assume" that he has been sexually active, no?)..... then YOU can say, "Sorry, but no test, no fooling around,.... in fact, Good bye."

Stick to your guns.... It's your health, your life....

Good luck...

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