A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi, I am a 38 year old female and have been dating a 45 year old man for 4 months. In that time 2.5 months has been long distance. We were recently having a conversation and I mentioned that a long time ago I was dating someone who a lot of people thought was gorgeous but I didn’t really like him that much sexually. After I said this he immediately said that his ex is a knockout but that he prefers the connection that he has with me and he has also mentioned that we have the best sex. Still from what he said he has basically said that she is better looking than me. I looked at her Instagram and she is a very normal looking girl. I was once a model for many years. They have been broken up for ten months approximately. He mentioned in passing conversation that he left her but I haven’t confirmed this. This is bothering me to no end. Not only because I felt insulted initially but because I feel like I am being compared to an ex who looks like your average girl and from what I can gather offers nothing in the intellect department. He mentioned earlier that his friends have been saying to him that he must be devastated to lose her because she is so good looking. I seriously don’t understand why. His friends haven’t met me btw.I confronted him about what he said about her being a knockout and he said that what he meant is that she is “all trophy and not enough connection”. And then he went on to compliment my looks - adding that I am trophy and connection (eyeroll). He then said that he never actually thought she was a knockout but that that is what his friends all say (another eyeroll).I know this whole thing sounds so immature but it’s not really a small thing to me. Every person I have dated in the past has made me feel as though I am beautiful. There has never been any doubt. I guess I just don’t feel appreciated. From what I can see I am better than her in every way. The only thing she has on me is that she is 10 years younger. He also said that he seriously doubts that she will look as good as me in ten years time because I have amazing DNA which she does not. Am I being unreasonable to be upset by his comment. It was a passing comment by the way and not a big statement. But it bothered me. Do I sound like an egomaniac? I would like to hear opinione on this matter. Is it a big deal? Or no?Frustrated and unappreciated x
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female
reader, Andie's Thoughts  +, writes (10 October 2019):
 " I feel like I am being compared to an ex who looks like your average girl and from what I can gather offers nothing in the intellect department."
My goodness, OP. That's bordering on cruel. He mentioned a good-looking ex, just like you did.
Stop criticising a woman you don't know! Nastiness is a trait that overrules any model-like looks, so I'd advise reconsidering your approach to what he said.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 October 2019): I find it a bit sad you focus so much on every past boyfriend has made you feel beautiful 'never been any doubt'so why are you not with one of them?
If someone acts like you're a princess and priceless I would hazard a guess they have not been themselves, a man who treats you right without ass licking is surely more real?
He agreed with what you said and you was offended to the point you looked up his ex, you're very insecure, not the actions of a self assured woman
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A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (10 October 2019):
 Good grief, talk about blowing your own trumpet.
You both did the exact same thing, you mentioned your ex was good looking and he did the same but he’s in the wrong? This is a double standard, he may have felt the same way when you made your comment so enough of the eye rolling and either accept you were as bad as each over or let your pride get in the way and end things, your call.
Also you have a pretty immature mindset for someone of your age to be slagging off your partners ex for no reason other than your feelings are hurt.
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (10 October 2019):
 You're used to being praised since you were young and kept on a pedestal by people. You want people to keep saying how pretty you are and what a catch you are. It's become almost a habit with you, to be praised and made to feel special. When that didn't happen with this guy, it hurt you immediately because for the first time, someone didn't pander to your ego.
What I can't understand OP is, why on earth would you even mention your exes? Why would you say that he was gorgeous and describe his bedroom abilities? That is an absolutely unnecessary thing to bring up and did you ever feel how your boyfriend might feel about this information? He instantly felt insecure and made up what was probably a lie about HIS ex to make himself look better... That she was gorgeous when she most likely isn't. You basically got as good as you gave.
Does all this make you look like an egomaniac? A little but more than it makes you look like a spoiled child.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 October 2019): Op let me ask you . What is female beauty according to you ? Is it a slim body , youthful looks and perfect skin ? If so you are living s lie promoted by the industry of modelling porn and yes many men and some women live in that world BUT there is another world , one you are perhaps starting to get a glimpse of now where female beauty does not equate to those things but rather it equates to a woman’s innate worth, her kindness , the beauty of her smile , her laugh and the twinkle in her eyes . These things are sexy . These women are the type of women who build one another up and don’t compete and play the game that society likes to try and impose where women’s worth is judged on their looks . If you feel this man is man who judges women on their looks then walk , from what you described he was Immy trying to shine a mirror back to you on your own superficiality and I believe he sounds like one of those people who sees a woman’s true worth is far more than flawless skin and a perfect body . Now the question to ask yourself is why you feel that your worth is in your appearance and why you feel the need to run other women down.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 October 2019): The truth is some men find average women as you like to call them more beautiful than models . They have the ‘cute ‘ factors . Look at ginger and Mary Ann from Gilliam’s island . Many men crushed heavy on Mary Ann cause she was the girl next door , not the glamour model Ginger. The average looking woman offers a man a thrill no super attractive woman can . She is less likely to have been tainted by the list of a thousand men and likely to be more innocent . At least this is the imagined benefits whether it’s true or not . She will be all his . She can pass as the wifely type in comfortable clothing or be dressed in a pretty outfit . Not always needing the glitz and attention a woman who is so focussed on her looks might Stop thinking you’re better than another woman because of how you looks
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious + ♥, writes (9 October 2019):
 Wow! Calm down, dear. She's his ex for a reason. Just as YOU will become his ex for a reason - probably your insecurity. You and she are not in competition. She's been there, done that, it didn't work out so she has moved on. Doesn't matter who finished with who. None of your business. Now it's YOUR turn to see if you can make it work with this guy.
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Just because YOU think she is average looking does not mean she doesn't know how to make the best of what she has so that men see her as "knockout". Often it's about more than just looks. Good looking people (men and women) often rely on their looks to get them what they want in life, neglecting their personalities and characters. Someone who does not have quite as much in the looks department will work harder at being a nicer person. Nice people tend to be seen as more attractive than just their physical appearance.
You need to focus on two things: your completely irrational jealousy of this woman who you know nothing about except what your boyfriend has told you and what you have stalked out on social media, and your relationship with this guy. The ex is not the problem here. The boyfriend is not the problem here. YOU are the problem. Having been a model does not make you better than anyone else. Get over yourself, learn to live and let live and get on with trying to find happiness on your own merits, rather than by running down someone else.
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice  + ♥, writes (9 October 2019):
 He has done and said more than enough to prove to you the many many reasons he prefers you. Most women would be ecstatic at beating someone 10 years their junior. But if it's not enough for you, the kind thing would be to let him go.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 October 2019): Men view women far differently to how we view them, what they find in a woman attractive wont be what a woman sees. Sounds to me like he did either just play you at your own game or simply remind you that he can also get attractive partners, I actually think he was agreeing with you that looks aren't everything. Except for you that are, you just dont see that in yourself. I have worked with a lot of men and they have told me they would sooner have a normal looking woman any day of the week over a woman who is full of themselves and I cannot think of anything more boring than a vain person. If you are so sure you are better than her why on earth does it bother you? Taking that aside what has she done to you? Theres no mention of her being an actual bad person just an agreeance from him that there is more to life than just looks, except now you have shown your true colours and sorry but it's an ugly side.....
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (9 October 2019):
 Since you are asking… ok, yes, you do sound immature and you do come off as an egomaniac. And no, what your bf said is not such a big deal. In fact, the big deal is that such a small deal feels instead like a big deal to you .
1) You started first ! You were basically bragging that you can pick up model-type men. It's sort of a strange subject to talk about - your ex's good looks ( ?)- and I think people would not dwell on such an irrelevant,uninteresting issue unless, consciously or less consciously, they wanted sort of boost themselves up . Your bf's reaction felt that , at some level, and reacted either by consciously putting you back in your place, or, maybe less consciously, answering in kind, that he can do the same- he can pick up gorgeous women.
But, it's a pissing contest ( pardon my French ) which you started. Only yourself to blame.
2 ) Anyway, your bf basically says that he agrees with you, you are saying the same thing in different words : that looks are not everything, not even in bed ! you had the VGL guy, but sex with him was not special. He had the VGL woman, but he did not feel anuthing special with / for her.
Boyfriend : one- OP : one. It's a tie. Why getting so mad ?
3 ) If I got it right, part of your anger comes from the fact that you do not see your rival as beautiful. One thing is being told that you are less attractive (… but your bf never said that you were less attractive than the ex ! that's what YOU feel he meant ) than the most beautiful woman on earth, all another being told that you are less attractive (..but again, your bf did not compare… ) than some lame plain Jane. You have decided that the ex is a plain Jane and you don't want to be uglier than her, ok. But YOU decided she is a plain Jane, and we don't know how objective you are. First because your animosity toward her can make you biased, second because , after all, beauty is in the eye of the beholder. YOU think this woman is ugly- but other people ,like your bf's friends , think she is hot. That's not so strange. Tastes are different, and unaccountable. ( I honestly feel that Gigi and Bella Hadid look gross and if I were a fashion designer they would never be chosen to wear my creations ; obviously fashion designers worldwide do not think like me. )
4) Again, I feel that nobody, but you, was comparing anybody, but suppose that your bf had the worst foot-in-mouth moment ever and actually said / meant that his ex was more attractive than you. So ? Suppose it were true, as for that. What is it , you can't handle the thought that there may be around women who are prettier than yourself ?
" Mirror mirror on the wall… ? " as in the fairy tales ? You are in for a rude awakening , I am sure. You are young but not VERY young, and in any case you are not getting any younger ( nobody is ): looks fade in time, some times very slowly and gently, but they do fade; and sooner or later , even if you were exceptionally attractive, - you will see some woman who is as attractive as you, if not more- but also younger , with a fresher face and a tighter body. Better getting used to the idea that , who knows, maybe you aren't the absolute bee's knees after all.
4 )Then again, not being the absolute bee's knees might be a problem if you compete for miss Australia, or Miss Universe. But, outside of beauty contests, … seriously OP ? Not that the world is not a competitive place. It is and even too much. We compete for money , for jobs, for social prestige, and alas often we also have to compete for being loved and appreciated, to get the best partners, the kindest lovers, the sincerest friends… But, as I think you will have already noticed by now, all these are games that you can't win by looks only. It may be that being good looking gives you a little edge at first , a wider pool of options… but if things were so simple then the prettiest girls would be those who have the longest marriages , the most fulfilling love lives, the happiest social and relationship lives… It just does not work like that. At least in the adult world. Looks is one thing; but you need to have many more cards to play , emotionally and mentally, to be seen as a prize and to attract another prize to yourself.
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A
female
reader, mystiquek + ♥, writes (9 October 2019):
 Pot meet kettle. You are upset of what your boyfriend did and yet you do the very same thing. It appears that even though you consider yourself very attractive you are insecure not to mention conceited. Thank God not everyone in the world bases people on looks alone. You are not a teenager anymore sweets and your feelings toward the ex are jealous and almost spiteful. MEOW..instead of supporting and lifting another up, you sound like you want to claw her eyes out. People are worth so much more than looks. I hope you will figure that out some day. Yes we know you were a model and looks are extremely important in that world. There is much more to the world though than just a person's looks.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 October 2019): "Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who is the fairest of them all?" You used to be a model, and men used to make you feel beautiful. How are you on the inside?
Before I address your question, may I ask you a question?
Is appealing or catering to your vanity a prerequisite to dating you?
I would say out of your own conceit, you might be biased about the other woman's beauty as compared to your own.
How could you downgrade the other woman as merely average, and feel insulted by her receiving a compliment???
It seems you've decided you're the most beautiful between the two of you, so why are you upset with him?
I think his opinion that she is a knockout and a trophy, is just as valid as your own! In fact, he might be in a better position to judge from a male's point of view, since you've placed it in that particular bracket. That being, how men judge you by your appearance. Your ranking among women of beauty.
Your narcissism is getting in the way, and now you've forced the poor guy to apologize for not telling you that you're the fairest in the land. Now he has to evaluate you from the perspective of your vanity and appearance. He'll have to pile on the compliments and basically idolize you to make you like him.
Beauty fades, and it's what's inside that lasts. A kind and generous spirit glows from the inside out, and inner-beauty even enhances the outer-appearance. Personality and good character is what adds value to us as human beings. Not merely our looks.
Our society has been completely warped by social media and the beauty industry!
You are also a hypocrite. You wrote this:
"I mentioned that a long time ago I was dating someone who a lot of people thought was gorgeous but I didn’t really like him that much sexually."
You were boasting about your own ability to attract someone considered "gorgeous." Has he no right to feel the same about someone he dated?
Dial it back a few notches, my dear. Yes, it does matter if you come across as conceited and stuck on yourself. Not knocking you for being confident and having a healthy self-esteem; but for putting down another woman to uplift yourself. To have the nerve to admonish your boyfriend for doing the same thing you did yourself!!!
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (9 October 2019):
 Um, OP didn't you DO the same to him that you are being so miffed over?
It's OK for YOU to mention a GORGEOUS ex who wasn't a good partner in bed, but HE can't call HIS ex a knock out? Because what? You were a model so NO ONE should compare to you in looks? Are you for real?
He probably felt like YOU were saying the compared to your gorgeous ex, HE doesn't measure up in the looks department.
Are you an egomaniac, no but you are not being logical at all and you are being unfair and petty. OVER shit that DOESN'T matter! NO ONE cares what his or your exes looked like! IT DOESN'T (or rather it shouldn't matter) NEITHER of you are with the exes.
OP, grow up, not everything is about looks.
SMH!
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A
female
reader, ConfusedCarrie84 +, writes (9 October 2019):
You are being an egomaniac who has double standards. So, it's ok for you to mention how gorgeous your ex was but he can't? He said the same thing you said, just a different way.
And why are you dogging on the ex's looks and intellect. You know nothing of her, you haven't met her so you have no right to judge her. This is an insecurity you must tackle.
Women who disrespect other women is a sad sad thing. I'm lucky that I know all too well the charactaristics in these women so they do not become a friend of mine.
Be a supporter, a fan of women.
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