A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I am in a struggle. I met a nice guy last August and we have been dating ever since. Prior to that I was in a long relationship with a man from the US. He is starting to put a bit of pressure on me to take the relationship to the next level and I am unsure. I can't seem to make a decision. He is 39 and wants all of the same things as I, he treats me well, is helpful, extremely caring, family oriented, loves kids and a very hard worker. The problem is he works too much and I am not sure if I would be happy with the lifestyle he could provide me with. He works for a family business and works from 6am-6:30pm mon-fri then 6-3 on Saturdays (every week) he cannot take vacation in the summer and can only take one week total in November or January and NO weekends off. He also doesn't really get compensated for the amount of work he does. We couldn't even afford a house in Toronto with both of our salaries and he doesn't want to commute because of his shop. I love to travel, camp, ski, go to my cottage and do things on the weekend and feel I will be unhappy with our lifestyle. I consider myself a good catch, am even keeled, pretty, good hearted, love to cook, have a great job and don't have a hard time getting a boyfriend however I don't want to let a great guy slip away by being stupid. I am getting older and want a family.Please HELP!! Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Tula  +, writes (4 June 2014):
You're a catch indeed given you can cook and is pretty..! However, I'm not sure if his lifestyle is something I would go for, in fact, it sounds too much. Some people are married to their jobs for life, if you love what he does, and think maybe that you will learn to love it and accept the no weekends and the one week in January, then go for it. Otherwise, keep looking as someone said earlier... It is hard to find a person who's good-hearted but Can you really adapt to his lifestyle? I know I wouldn't be able too happy about not travelling and all. In each relationship, there's some sort of compromise involved, would you be able to rish your free air even weekends to be with him? If yes, then you found your true love. Some people start from scratch together and succeed, some people get married to millionaires and still their marriages fail. The best answer lies in your heart. We calculate the odds and measure and predict, but sometimes the true nature and rare metal of one's character prevails and in the end, that is what really matters. 3 Good luck and make haste slowly ...
A
female
reader, llifton  +, writes (4 June 2014):
 I say it just depends on how you feel. Only you know the true answer to that.
It sounds as if you're leaning towards the "he's not right for me" category. And you shouldn't just settle because you want a family. If something is making you feel as though he may not be the right one for you or that you have reservations about the relationship, you should listen. Last thing you need is to ignore those warnings and get married and have children, only to find out shortly thereafter that you don't want to be with this man.
If he's not what you're looking for, regardless of the reason, don't stay. If you were meant to be, I think your heart would know - despite his working situation.
My vote is to keep looking. Good luck.
...............................
A
female
reader, Intrigued3000 +, writes (4 June 2014):
 I think you are right to be concerned about his work schedule. In the beginning you may be lenient and understanding, but it will gradually start to erode your relationship when he puts his work first above his relationship with you or his family, if you have kids with him. Let him know your concerns about his lifestyle, and if he does not make steps to change it, then you have your answer.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 June 2014): What are you saying, I don't understand. Term " gold digger" appeared not that long ago in this particular meaning, few decades ago when most women started working and have their own income. Suddenly after centuries of women taking care of the house and babies, and husbands providing for the whole family, women became financially somewhat independent. I am saying " somewhat" because it is a well known fact that women still make less money than men doing the same job, and many jobs that require a certain physical strength women simply can't do. But anyway, a woman who wants a man to completely support her, and she wants to stay home w/ children which since forever was a norm , is called "gold digger" . It went so far that women who raised several children and stayed home for years are called gold diggers only based on a fact that they didnt have official job outside the house, and a husband is a sole provider in a family. How are you in any sense is gold digger? You are working. What you describe is a totally different situation when yu are worried that the lifestyle you want full of hobbies and interests will be over for you when you marry this man. And it will be, unless he doesn't mind you at all travelling by yourself and doing your thing all the time. His life is his work. He will never be home for you and kids.
...............................
A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (4 June 2014):
He works 68 hours a week. That's insane, and if you're going to work that much you better be paid well. In my opinion raising a family and enjoying life requires time to do so (money doesn't hurt).
I imagine he doesn't have a lot of energy to do things outside of work either. How will that affect you when you have a baby? It's a lot of work. Or when the kids get a little older and want to do fun things. How would that work?
So, my opinion is that this guy, in his current situation, is not ready to start a family or even have a serious relationship. I can confidently say that you will not be happily married to him.
However, if he's a good guy he deserves the truth. Tell him that you really like him but you've done a lot of thinking and you don't see how raising a family would be possible while he's working where he works. He needs to find a job working less and getting paid more before you could feel comfortable settling down with him.
If he doesn't agree then I'd say this is a deal breaker.
Don't feel bad, you're not a gold digger. As much as we like to think that relationships and marriage aren't a trade, that's exactly what they are. You give whatever you can and expect something equal in return. It may not be financial, but whatever else is important to you (love, affection, sex, security, stability, fun, etc). If you aren't happy with the "offer", you're free to look elsewhere with zero guilt.
...............................
A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (4 June 2014):
 May I offer something that might reveal how HE would reply?
I was "work-a-holic" for 7 years, much like your B/F, and in a business wherein my business partner was also my romantic interest.... My work "schedule" is just as you listed for new B/F..... The work - and the success of starting and growing the business were very rewarding... however.... after time, the business did, indeed, fail. We were able to sell it, and walk away with no further monetary damage..... AND, the "romance" failed with it...
If I could turn back the hands of time... knowing what I know, now... I never would have gone in to the business... and I don't think it would have "happened" except that both of us took part in it....
What is my message for you? That if "new B/F" is already "married" to his business (... as it sounds from your description...) then your concerns and trepidations are valid. YOU will always be "second" to whatever time the business requires.... For a while that might be fun and novel.... but it WILL get "old," quickly.... and you will be maybe even MORE lonely than you would be if you were just single, by yourself. You will have "lost" to that soulless wife, "the business."
I would never recommend that a woman try to make a relationship with a man who is so inundated with such "business demands" as you've described....
Good luck
...............................
A
female
reader, cattycakes  +, writes (4 June 2014):
I don't think you will be happy. In any case you didn't say anywhere that you love him. You will have to talk things through and see if he plans or can plan to make some changes to accommodate family life. I hope he can compromise or think laterally/creatively about things he can do to make it work.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (4 June 2014):
 I think it depends on your priorities here.
IF being with a guy who can't SPEND time with you, vacation time or otherwise - I mean if he works 12 hour days HOW much is left for you?
If living IN Toronto is a priority, and the two of you combined can't afford that, then YOU need to consider is YOUR job and what you BRING in something that can change, not just HE isn't making enough to make it happen. With his work though is Toronto even a possibility? Or would he have to commute far? IF he isn't making a lot of money commute might simply be too expensive and again with 12 hour days - and THEN a long commute?
Not being familiar with Toronto, are they suburbs close by that is affordable?
Do I think you are a gold digger? No, but I do think you want to rely on HIM to carry you at some point and I think that is what is getting to you. Because of his job he won't be able to carry you to the "standard" you want.
The fact that he can't EVER take week-end off is what is getting me. THAT is really being inflexible. Work seems more important.
This is a decision only you can make.
...............................
|
