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Am I behaving like a stalker?

Tagged as: Breaking up, Dating, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (24 December 2016) 13 Answers - (Newest, 25 December 2016)
A female age 36-40, anonymous writes:

Stalkerish or Nah?

Ok so..... I'm curious as to what people think.

Grateful to anyone who reads this longness....

I just want to give perspective.

I dated someone for about the last 7 months..... He was great, we were great, things were cool...he brought up things we'd do in the future pretty regularly. About 3 months ago, things changed for him financially, but that didn't bother me 1.) I could care less...make my own money....and his situation will resolve itself in a couple months. and 2.) He is a great guy, I genuinely like(d) and had feelings for, plus he was a shoulder for me during a somewhat stressful time in my life..... why leave him? No reason to. Also, I got pregnant early on(about 2 months in) and had an abortion. He was very supportive, came with me to the appointment was there for me and we continued our relationship...  6 weeks ago his living situation changed, I know this is hard on him as he is used to being independent...again this didnt bother me, the situation will soon rectify itself ...this was when we saw each other last.... everything was normal, nice even...still talking about our future.... I had no reason to think it'd be the last I saw him.... we made plans for that weekend.... he kissed me as usual when he left for work, said he'd call me later.... I left his house, locked up when it was time for me go as usual...and went on about the day.... that evening he seemed distant, and I initiated all contact....which was via text. .We remained in contact all week, though less frequent.....The weekend came and I mentioned our tentative plans... he told me he'd play it by ear... FIRST red flag, he NEVER plays me by ear. I just am. Where I am he is whenever possible. This made me uncomfortable.....I sent him a text that nighy when I saw he was up and liking ig pics--I had called and he didn't answer--.... jokingly like "I know you're up lol" ..... he responded the next morning telling me he was not up, he came home and blacked out and just now saw my text. ...ok fine. I had questions, but could sense he was getting annoyed. ..throughout the next couple of weeks the distance remained, but he still made a point to call me and keep contact. Told me it's his busy season....which I know... and knew was coming.... he apologized for being standoffish and said his current money/home situation is stressing him out, as well as he picked up another job. I'm pretty sure I handled the situation wrong, listening to friends and becoming insecure and somewhat needy sounding.... though I'm not. I was just SO used to how things used to be. We are both over 28 but under 32 y/o btw.... It got to be days that I would go w/out hearing from him. When I questioned him I got, "I just don't have time."

The turning point was me deleting him from my social media after seeing a super long fb post that he took the time to post on ig as well.... but I hadn't heard from him in days.... he had time for that but he can't check on me?...that pissed me off. He has always been very direct and brutally honest with me, so I didn't get why he seemed to be avoiding me. I got all insecure one night after finding out an ex of his had been in town (mind you I have no clue if he even knew) but insecurity sucks.... sent him like 8 text messages that he never responded to. He last texted me a few days prior letting me know he was thinking of me.. but at this point he isn't contacting me at all. I went to his house, a few days later, I missed him and the fact that he wouldn't just be straight up with me and communicate his issue and just tell me he needs space, or whatever was annoying as he is a very direct, "be an adult, speak your mind" kind of person. This behavior was not what I knew of him. He didn't answer the door and was probably sleeping as it was a weekend morning.... so I sent him a text letting him know I stopped by. Nothing all day. Called him. No answer. A few more days went by and I called him from my business number.... he answered, caught off guard, and proceeded to tell me, the 8 texts I sent annoyed him, he doesn't have time for me, doesn't really want to see me for an in person conversation, and can't make me a priority in his life right now. I didn't beg, or ask many questions, I listened, explained my piece, he told me he "didn't know what else to tell me" and we ended the conversation.

Haven't spoken since then. 3 weeks ago.

THE QUESTION: I sent him an anonymous Christmas card with a simple, "happy holidays" and a gift card to a store he likes. I did this because I think he'd appreciate it given his stress and life as it stands right now. Though he'll probably figure it was from me, I don't want him to feel like he has to reach out to me or anything, or that I want him to---- as I understand him not being able to make a relationship a priority right now. (I just disagree with how he handled it) I suspect he wasn't quite sure how to handle letting me know.... which I get, though handling it like a coward is never the way, and because of this, I don't want to get back with him......

That being said, I DO care for him and my intent is to just make him smile as I know he is overwhelmed with life currently. I thought this was a good idea--he knows of my giving nature-- until someone completely removed from the situation suggested it seems stalkerish, and he'd think it's weird.

Do you guys think this? I'm hoping he won't, as I've just started dating again and would hate to have him think I have other motives...... thoughts?

View related questions: abortion, christmas, insecure, money, needs space, text

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A female reader, CindyCares Italy +, writes (25 December 2016):

CindyCares agony aunt Look, at the end of the day, you really wanted to do something for this guy ( gift and Xmas wishes ), you did it, and you feel good after you have done it- so , from this point of view, it is a good decision ;it did not hurt him, and it pleased you. Everything is fine.

From any other point of view, the guy's in particular, if something similar should happen in future ( hopefully, never again ) no- don't do it. "Stalkerish" is a strong word, and also " weird "... but you can bet that he was less than elated and less than appreciative. Based on his general fading away act, his most natural reaction would have been of being annoyed and thinking " Gee, some people just can't get a hint. What part of " leave me alone " did she not understand ".

He did not handle this situation very correctly, he was rather a passive - aggressive coward, true,.. but, when all is said and done.. when people start withdrawing their energy from a r/ship, and you can SEE that, for whatever reason, they are pulling the plug on you.... you know what ? just let them - their loss, not yours :)

Best wishes .

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A reader, anonymous, writes (25 December 2016):

If I may clarify a few remarks. An abortion was a big decision to make. It was also a powerful psychological experience for you. He is half responsible for the pregnancy, if you can recall?

If he was really supportive of it, and was there; it only stands to reason he'll treat you very nicely, because he stood to benefit by the fact he wouldn't be forced to be a father. He could otherwise get on with his life. He had no choice but to butter you up, let a little time go by, and then bail-out. He bails with no blood on his hands. No regrets and no worries.

You got caught-up in the "Mr. Nice-guy" routine. All an act. Now you see his true colors.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (24 December 2016):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Let me reiterate.... I LOVE YOU GUYS and had planned to delete my question out of embarrassment... but gosh.

Now I feel like I made a good decision by reaching out.

Hugs to you all!

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A reader, anonymous, writes (24 December 2016):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Well..... I'm moved to tears reading your thoughtful replies. I appreciate your insight and time taken to respond. Now, I have left out some details as my inquiry was long enough. But I will say it seemed as though he was more into me than I was him until the last few weeks or so...HE WAS the one initiating the future us talks...pursuing me...initiating..... also I don't truly believe the reason was the abortion as that took place in July, came with me to the procedure and KNEW it was done.... why go through August to December and have me meet his whole family, as well as continue to pursue me if this were the case?... Maybe I'm being naive but, I truly had no reason to think otherwise. Also, he has always maintained his decent job, but picked up another one.... I have a lot of unanswered questions that I will have to come to terms with not knowing. I also agree that he allowed himself to feel emasculated possibly?....... I truly appreciate everyone's response and it seems like general consensus is that I'm not stalker-y lol? I understand he may not "deserve" it, however, I feel like the way people treat us is a reflection of how they feel about themselves. If he is feeling down on himself why not make him smile.

I will continue to work on myself... I think I have stumbled upon a gem in this dear cupid community. Thank you all!!!!!!

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A reader, anonymous, writes (24 December 2016):

I also want to add that his change in financial-situation was irrelevant. Yes, he may have some pride, and it might strain the ego somewhat. That was just a part of the cycle of life; it was coincidental to the fact you were dating at the time. It may be considered to have been a factor at some point; but once he found work, he saw no reason for the relationship to continue. If you ask me, the chain of events following the abortion all lead to his moving on.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (24 December 2016):

From my perspective on this, I think he only remained around until he was certain that you would go through with the abortion. He then did his obligatory "keep-in-touch" responsibility; until he felt it was safe and decent to move on.

It was only dating and a brief courtship that lasted a few months, until you got pregnant. That was the only thing that prolonged the connection. He said what you wanted to and needed to hear.

How can he be blunt and straight-forward about wanting out of an unofficial relationship; after you just had an abortion? He was obviously irresponsible about safe-sex. It being your body that got pregnant; the use of protection should have been equally a consideration on your part.

I certainly feel and fully understand your angst and pain; but you are ignoring the reality. You are more into him, than he is into you. He is cold-shouldering you to send you the message he is done; so he wants you to move on as well.

His way of cutting you loose seems in-line and in-character with his straight-forward way of doing things.

Stalking him is neither here nor there. You sought your answers, that really isn't stalking. You went as far as necessary to get your answers; but didn't accept them once you found them.

He is done. Think now only of yourself. Now is the time of year to draw closer to your family and friends. Your connection with this guy is far too brief to be so intense. You grew a little over-thankful for his being around when you needed a friend. The problem is, you focused entirely on him; and you failed to include your family and broader support-system. Thus is the result of making any man a center of your universe. You become needy and dependent.

Concentrate all your energy and effort on detaching, getting over him, and loving yourself. Make joy for this peaceful Holiday, and put sorrows aside. There are others who love you, so that's where you seek your strength.

I wish you a safe and joyous Holiday. I hope you are showered with love from others who are near and dear to you. I wish you the best of a New Year, and may God absorb your pain and loss.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (24 December 2016):

He was a coward,he ghost you,its ok to ghost,someone who was bad to you,you didn't deserved to be treated like that,i hope karma,bites him in the butt,now he does deserves that,but you never gets to see it,i know it hurts alot, Merry Christmas

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (24 December 2016):

Honeypie agony auntI agree you need to stop and let him be. Stressed in life is NOT a good excuse to treat you the way he did. THAT was a choice HE made. Yes, having no job or a new job and having to figure out about a roof over his head IS stressful, but... I will call ABSOLUTE BULLSHIT on him not being able to reply to your texts, answer your calls, or just TELL you straight out, it's over.

He was trying REAL hard to ghost you after 7 months of dating, that is a LOW thing to do. REGARDLESS of "stress" and other things in his life.

I would NOT have sent him a card and gift card. It BEGS or SCREAMS for you to be trying to get him to contact you. Even if it was anonymous. And honestly? I don't think he deserved either.

However, what's done is done - now leave him alone to figure his life out while YOU move forward and focus ENTIRELY on YOUR life. HE CHOSE to not be part of your life, so don't make him such a priority. ( and yes, I think wanting to do nice things for a guy who dumped you in the lamest fashion, is giving him priority - which he UTTERLY doesn't deserve.)

Footnote: I do think his situation had something to do with the end of the relationship, maybe he felt he wasn't a good choice to date when his situations were so in the dumps. So it was a preemtive strike. Before you dumped him for not being able to not only provide, but pay for stuff and dates and have you come spend the night etc. He might have felt emasculated because YOU have a job and is stable and HE wasn't anymore. Again, it's not an excuse, at least not a good one. But it might hint at a reason.

Chin up, hiss loss.

Merry Christmas!

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (24 December 2016):

I don't think it seems stalker-ish for you to send him that. And I don't think he will view it that way either. To me it was a very selfless act that displayed the purest form of love.

However, I agree you handled that situation COMPLETELY wrong. I have been there honey I get it. I am in my 30's so I have had my share of growing insecure when I feel distance from a man.

I will give you the easiest advice to follow. Whenever you feel distance from a man you become distant too. Men handle problems differently and a lot of times they retreat within themselves....let him. He will come back and appreciate you for giving him his space without even realizing it. Never come forward when a man pulls back, it makes them run as you have learned.

Whether or not another woman was there had nothing to do with you and OMG you shouldn't have mentioned it during all of this he was going through. I believe him when he said it annoyed him. And he did what most men would do...ignore it. You became codependent and you should look up articles on codependency in relationships.

You can give it about 4 more weeks and reach out to him simply saying something like "Hey, just checking on you. I hope all is well." or Bring up a funny movie, or something funny ya'll once experienced and say you are at that place or watching that movie and "It made me think of you lol I hope all is well." Keep it light hearted and fun. That will more likely open the door again. Only send that text and if he does not respond just leave him alone.

He didn't do anything wrong in this situation at all. You created a lot of problems out of fear and insecurity. Allow time to go by and reach out if you want him back. Don't ever bring up what happened. If he does, apologize for your actions. Time makes people forget things and you don't want to remind him why ya'll stopped communicating. You want to be the person you USE to be to remind him why he started dating you in the first place.

Don't allow fear to get the best of you again love.

I am not going to proof read this for errors so I hope you can follow me lol

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A reader, anonymous, writes (24 December 2016):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Thank you for your responses. I'm trying to move on as quickly as possible. This is a break that I felt blindsided by....the feelings are there but, I understand I can't do anything about it. If nothing else, I just want him to smile, and go about his day. Now, my fear is that he'll think I'm stalking him, and crazy.

I will be pretty busy in the upcoming weeks, and plan to keep meeting new people until I forget about him.

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A female reader, Andie's Thoughts United Kingdom +, writes (24 December 2016):

Andie's Thoughts agony auntIt sounds like a nice idea, but it's too impulsive and was better avoided. Your behaviour when reacting to his distant actions was quite stalker-like (showing up uninvited, 8 texts, using a business number to catch him out when calling, etc.), so this could just appear as though you're not letting go.

I think it's best now to leave him alone and get on with your own stuff.

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A male reader, N91 United Kingdom +, writes (24 December 2016):

N91 agony auntI wouldn't do something like that personally.

You guys are over so there's no reason to stay in contact. By the sounds of things he wouldn't do it for you so why waste your time doing it for him?

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A male reader, Denizen United Kingdom +, writes (24 December 2016):

Denizen agony auntI accept that you acted from the best of motives but I think you ought to stop now. He has made his feelings clear hasn't he. Get on with your own life and leave him to his.

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