A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Sorry this is so long. I hope someone takes the time to read it. I've been recently dealing with some guilt involving my relationship with my fiance. We have an awesome relationship first of all. I know we are meant to be together and we talk about everything. I recently told him that I was sexually molested as a child. It only happened once but I have never told anyone about it before. I realize now it has been the root cause of the depression and anxiety I have been battling with all my life. The person who did this to me was and still is a drunk so I'm not sure he even remembers doing it. That doesn't make it right but I have no plans on telling my family. It would cause more harm than good. I am going to be talking to a counselor soon though. The issue is that my fiance likes to drink. He likes to drink pretty much everyday, usually in the evenings. It's increased a bit more since he doesn't have a job right now. He doesn't usually just have enough with a light buzz once he gets started. A lot of times he'll get drunk or close to it. I'm not saying he's a drunk or that he has a problem. I will say that I don't believe there is anything wrong with drinking. I like to drink too but it has been the cause of some traumatic events early in my childhood. Not only was the man who molested me a drunk but so was my dad. He quit when I was young but some of my earliest memories are of him coming home angry from the bar. My fiance is a responsible person. He gets his school work done, goes to work (he spends a lot of time looking for one right now), budgets his money. He's very focused on his future. So I can't understand why it bothers me so much when he drinks the way he does. I think it's a little excessive. Like does he have to drink so frequently and so much? He's finally coming around to understanding that it most likely has to do with my past and I admit that's not fair to him. Especially because it happened so long ago. I don't want it to be this way. I can't express that enough but it's like a deep sickening feeling when It's been the third or fourth day and he's drinking again, sometimes starting in the middle of the day. So I asked him just to lessen the frequency. I didn't ask him to completely stop. I even told him that if he chose not to then on the days when it was just really bothering me I'd leave the house for a few hours. I'd go to the gym or something. He said he wouldn't drink as much and would follow through with it this time (because we've had this conversations before and he agreed with me but didn't follow through with it). My problem is that now I'm feeling guilty and I'm stuck between what I know is fair and how I feel inside. The other night we were having an argument in which he told me some mean things concerning my molestation. Basically he told me to get over it and later he admitted it was wrong but that he didn't realize something like that would still bother me. Especially because not long after I told him about it I was able to talk about it openly with him (after the initial breakdown phase). I'm feeling alone because I don't know if what I'm feeling is wrong about his drinking and the sexual abuse still bothering me. Someone please offer some advice. I don't want to control him and I don't want to play the victim. I'm not that kind of person. Should I tell him never mind? That it's something I'll have to learn to deal with myself? Am I placing too much responsibility on him?
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female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (1 November 2014):
 And pardon the typoes, on my phone and cant seem to hit the right buttons...
A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (1 November 2014):
Dear poster. Your boyfriend is an alcoholic. I am sorry to have to inform you of this sad news. But the sooner you realize this is an adfiction, the sooner you and him can star to make changes for his recovery.
If he chooses booze over you (you walking out/ending the relationship) then there is no doubt about it. He tried to stop earlier/cut down, but was unable to. He drinks alone, he drinks every single day. Just because hes not an angry or violent alcoholic doesnt mean hes not addicted. You react to his drinking because it is not okay what he does. You are having a normal reaction to what you yourself identify as alcoholism. Yet you are afraid to say it out loud. But in order to help him, and help yourself, you must deal with this for what it is, and not make excuses for him.
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 November 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI accidentally wrote an update as an answer haha but I just wanted to say that I appreciate the help. It has been a long and lonely road but it feels good to have people who will offer honest advice and yet still be understanding. It won't always be this way.
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reader, anonymous, writes (31 October 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for all of your answers. We had a few beers last night. I just thought maybe we could have some fun but it went south we and got in another argument. We've both decided that it's best for now to either take a complete break from drinking or at least to not drink as much. He is on board with this which I appreciate. I still don't think he completely understands but that's ok. I'm just glad I'm seeing a change compared to the last time we had this problem. Sexual abuse is not something I would expect everyone to understand nor would I want anyone to have to go through it. I looked up Alanon. It sounds very helpful actually. It was refreshing to find a place that I could go to for help. I know I have some problems I need to work out. I just don't know how to fix them but counseling and other resources will help so thank you for that. We will see how things go. I'm looking forward to finding help. I appreciate your answers because I don't feel so alone knowing there are other people who can understand. I appreciate an objective perspective. I want to see things how they are. It's the only way I can get better.
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A
male
reader, SensitiveBloke  +, writes (31 October 2014):
 Your boyfriend has a problem with drink if he's having to drink every day. Once or twice a week is sensible, but drinking every day soon lead people into relying on the drink to unwind from the stresses of the day. This is what being an alcoholic is - relying on drink.
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reader, anonymous, writes (31 October 2014): So Sorry,
Living with an abusive anything is very painful. Been there done that. There is safety in numbers. Would suggest that you look on the internet and find an Allanon meeting and stop blaming yourself for this guy's bad behavior. This group are having the same issues as you and can give you the sound advice on how to deal with his problem on a daily basis. Don't discuss this with your boyfriend because obviously by past behavior will throw it up in your face. This group is for you alone to get real solutions to work it out or be strong enough to move on. Hear me when I say it doesn't get better until he is willing to seek the help he needs.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (31 October 2014):
 I think it's kind of simple, ALCOHOL is a trigger for you. NOT every time, but DRUNK MEN are (in your mind) NOT a good thing to be around. It kind of makes the most sense.
Start your counseling as soon as possible, and I'm sorry your BF doesn't NEED to drink. Specially if it makes YOU so unhappy. IF you two live together it's even worse. (for you).
It's not about you wanting to control him, it's about you trying to "control" your own reactions and your surroundings, which is a HEALTHY coping mechanism if you ask me. The thing is though, you can't avoid people who drink or get drunk (unless you hole yourself up in your house 24/7) but you CAN ask your BF to tone it down. I'm sorry, he doesn't have a job right now but why does that mean he has to get drunk (even if it's "just a little buzz?")
I think anyone who has had issues with alcohol or around alcohol, develop a dislike for it. They KNOW how it CAN affect people. Now back in the day, the guy who molested you, he didn't do it BECAUSE of the alcohol. The alcohol didn't "make" him do it. What he did is inexcusable. As for your BF,... If alcohol triggers YOUR anxiety why can he not just tone it down a bit? Is getting a "buzz" more important?
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A
female
reader, deirdre  +, writes (31 October 2014):
Hi, firstly Im sorry to hear that you were sexually abused, it is traumatic regardless of when it happened and as you know, it only takes once for it to have an impace on the victims life.Regarding his drinking, you are right, it is excessive and it is worrying that he does it every day/almost every day. This is how people eventually become alcoholic and he does need to reduce it now, for his own sake as well as anyone else around him. It seems like you are worried about upsetting your fiance, by tackling the issue of his drinking. This is understandable but you must realise that this issue, and the situation in which you were sexually abused (by a drinker) are two separate issues. Yes you might be upset by his drinking because people around you had a drinking problem when you were young, but you are well within your rights to be unhappy with your fiances drinking. He seems to be using alcohol as an emotional crutch, possibly due to being frustrated by finding a job, but this is still not acceptable.I would advise you perhaps look up some information online about the dangers of drinking every day and how it can lead to alcoholism, and print out that information/show it to him. Drinking like that is not normal and it can turn to addiction if it is done for long enough. Well dont on seeing a counsellor regarding the abuse, I hope everything turns out well for you in the end. X
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A
female
reader, Deesta  +, writes (31 October 2014):
Hi. First of all you im sorry that you experienced what you did.. And secondly you sound like a level headed person.. I don't think you're being unfair you're just dealing with it best you know how .. Which its natural for you to have that fear with the alcohol.. But that's why you should separate what happened in your past with your partner drinking. If he had done something wrong to you when he had been drunk then different story but it wasn't him. That doesn't take your pain away so that's why seeing someone about it could help you deal with that. My advice would be to to try and separate the two events.. The person who hurt you was not your partner and the person who hurt you did not only do it because they were drunk meaning your partner has not hurt you and every one acts differently when they're drunk. How I act is different to you etc etc Don't take what he sed personally .. Some ppl don't know how to deal with another persons traumatic event.. Yet he goes need to understand it hurt you but it's upto you to separate the two events which is 1) wat happened to you in the past and 2) your husband drinking now. In your mind they're linked because of the reminder but it doesn't have to be coz when you drink you don't commit the act that was done to you... Hope this has somewhat helped. And always know anything someone else did to you was not your fault. Take care xx
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