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martini
writes:First, thank you for reading this potentially long message. This will be a first amidst all the comments I've made on other entries. Like I said, this will be rather long, to give readers some background history that lead up to my situation now.I met my current girlfriend in the late summer of 2004. We hung out a few times, emailed loads, and talked on the phone between then and around December of 2004. When we came together intimately, she was very nice to me. Aside from being sexually charged, she was also quite considerate, and as far as PDA goes, it was just right. I never asked for it, and she just expressed it. She was warm, cute, and we had lots to talk about. In mid February 2005, her mom entered the hospital, and at first, I thought it was a routine thing, cuz that's what she told me at first. Eventually, it became serious, and well being the stupid me, for some reason, I didn't go visit her mom. As you can already guess, that lead to her emotions dwindling for me. We talked about it in late Feb, and decided to continue. From March 2005 to early April, her attitude towards me were super unstable. One day can be super cold, and then the next could be very warm and comforting. In the 5.5 weeks, I spent about 45% of my time in the presence of her mom. To look out for her, cater to her, and pretty much take care of her, while my gf worked.Between her breaks, I would go over to her house, help her do some of her chores, massage her back, neck, arms, etc to try to relieve her aches - basically try to be there for her, sacrificing my own health and sleep.In mid April, we broke up. In late April, we had a misunderstanding, and we saw each other. Took her to a sentimental place - clear night, old bike route (we went here a few days after we met), talked about toads, etc. Silly things. Throughout May, things were kind of different. I got drunked one night with a friend, and well things got fuzzy. She and I eventually talked about it again, and things got better. We dated again. Starting June, things were looking good, but then mid June came with one of her friends' farewell parties, and there, she was annoyed that I am a quiet person and didn't mingle with her friends. She ignored me the whole night, and allowed some retard to get between us. Obviously, I was sad to the bone. We talked and things got better again. Alas, it didn't last. These stupid little things kept on coming back up. So from June 2005 to August 2005, I was treated quite badly by her. Yet, for some very odd reason, I still stayed beside her. No matter how badly hurting I was, I catered to her feelings. I wanted to see her happy. In the times she was happy, she was very happy. She was so sweet and so cute. I noticed her coldness and asked her what was wrong. She confessed she wasn't sexually attracted to me anymore. This was right after we went to Playland. Please note I wasn't getting any income, thus, I wasn't able to pay for a lot of the things every time we went out. That's why I try to go out less with her. So we broke up a second time.However, I was sure her sexual attractiveness excuse was not valid, because we started having sex for a month and a bit, and somehow, we became closer and again we dated. From October to recently, things were okay. They were definitely a lot better than before. Alas, we had a talk a few days ago about us, because I was seriously hurting. I'm the type of person who can pick up on people's actions and reactions very easily, so we talked, and she admitted that the cons outweight the pros about me. She wanted a break, but I laughed and told her that from the first time we started talking to now, I do not believe in breaks. Either we break up or we're together. I also told her explicitly I do not want to be friends with her afterwards. Don't tell me to change that - I will never be friends with someone after we break-up.Anyway, there are of course missing pieces in this story, but I will list them out here. I'll call her Berri (not her real name of course):BERRI=====- admits she wants someone who is hot- desires the 'hot-couple' look- desire someone who is super sporty - eg: play vball, badminton, tennis - team sports- desire someone whom her friends love and adore- prefer someone who can father her future children- will not correct her mistakes, by telling her friens the truth about me- initially had a thing about spending more on the relationship than i did, mind you, in the past 4 months, i've spent about four times the amount she did last year, i felt disgusted that she even brought that upME==- i am below average in looks- i cannot provide her the 'hot-couple' look- ever since i lot sight to my right eye over a decade ago, i have been having an extremely difficult time playing sports i used to love like vball, badminton, and tennis. nowadays, i enjoy mountain biking, hiking, wilderness camping, and am willing to try indoor rock climbing - mainly solo sports- i don't get along with some of her friends because when things looked grim between March and August 2005, Berri twisted the way things happened between us when she told her friends about them, thus her friends think i am a jerk, someone who is shallow [sigh]- i was born with an extra chromosome, thus i am unable to father childrenBerri admits that when we are together, in private, she feels super comfortable. She admits that say if this was on a scale of 10, i hold 4 of the best things she wants in a guy. She also expressed that she knows I am a stable person with a strong mind and strong heart, but she also confesses that she desires more.As sad as it may be, I agree with her, and a few days ago, I tried to break up with her, but you know what? Despite all the hardships, all these hurtful things she done to me, I love her. She admits she doesn't feel the same way, but she "is attracted to my heart of gold". She made an imagery of the tin man - my body is made of aluminum, but my heart is made of gold. I told her that she doesn't have much to lose if she leaves me. I told her that I am sure there are many guys out there that can give her the same and more. Anywya, that is my dilemma. At first, I wanted to lower my integrity and ask her friends to decide for Berri. You see, Berri cares a lot about what her friends think about us being together. While I may not give a hoot about what other's may think, Berri does. I told her metaphorically, "If you were imprisoned in a field of fire, and your friends represent the demons that try to hold you there, they will not phase me, and I will tread in there, to try to rescue you, at least, be there with you."Berri pointed out that it is that we are so incompatible that we don't get along with each others friends. I laughed and said, "Why do you continue to bring your friends into this?!?! I first initiated to kiss you, because I liked you. Where the f**k does your friends fit into this?!?! If we were to get married, I marry you, not your friends! If I were to raise children and build a future with you, I won't be raising children and building a future with your friends!" She is controlled by superficial desires and the approval of her friends. I hate that with a passion. I am a stage where I want to let go, but my heart doesn't. I am hurting badly, depressed, and have been losing my will to eat healthy, my will to exercise, my will to work. I try, I try to be there for her, for her heart, for her health and well-fare, but it isn't enough. She wants some hot guy, who she can go clubbing with, be approved by her friends...[sigh]Countless nights and days, I get heart broken. I am indeed hopeless. In career, I am pretty good. In family, I am pretty secure. In everything else, yes, yes, but her... So weak... I am so easy to forgive, and she is so weak in mind. What to do? What to do? [sigh]
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male
reader, martini +, writes (2 February 2006):
martini is verified as being by the original poster of the question Thanks for your long comments. I read them a few times, and I know you're right in the low self-esteem parts for sure. I feel pretty bad and tired too. [sigh] For sure, I will keep these words in mind, when the time comes... 8] Thank you.
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 January 2006): thier is always 2 sides to situations like this, your girlfriend seems to run hot and cold with her emotions and it sounds like to me that she is very confused about what she wants, unfortunately your the one you is suffering from all of this. this girl is so confused because she doesnt know if she should listen to her heart or listen to her friends. i do beleive her stating that she is not sexual attracted to you and then having sex with you is very heartless because its obvious she is lying to you but it sounds like you have already picked up on that already.i think that her head is getting filled with certain expectations that what a man should be like - her friends and the media probably play the biggest part in that.its also very obvious that your self esteem has declined big time because of this and you have fallen into depression, it is also obvious that you are a very shy person and for what ever reason you have chosen not to socialize with her friends, that alone can cause major relationship problems,im not saying that everything is your fault but i do think it contributes to the situation,i only say this because i know from experience, this whole situation of yours sounds sooo familiar to me , i did not talk to my bf's friends for about 6 months and it almost destroyed our relationship, he was not intrested in me sexually, we didnt really talk at all, sometimes we would say hurtful things , we both had our good and bad days and i always seemd to think he hated me because of my apperance or anything else i disliked about myself. i can tell you one thing i did that has made our relationship last for over 2 years now, i talked to his friends, i got to know each of them one on one , and after that we have always had a very strong relationship,, im not saying this is a solution as i feel that your relationship with this girl has already become exstinct. but i do think this has been a very hard lesson for the both of you, i hope that she learns that no body is perfect in this world and even if she does date some jock that has that physical apperance that she desires she will probably find something to critizies him about too, martini i hope that you find someone that treats you with fair more respect that what she did, i know that its diffcult dealing with depression and low self esteem but if you move on from her and surround yourself you people that repect you and like you for who you are then im sure it will make a major difference for you.she was fueling your depression and low self esteem,sure we all have our bad parts but it is not ok for anyone to rub it in our face and makes us feel less a person because of it, and if anyone makes you feel like a awful person because your not perfect then they are very naive.
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reader, martini +, writes (29 January 2006):
martini is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks everyone. It's easier said than done. I really thought about it, and will continue to think about it really seriously. I will try my best to get out of this sort of relationship. Thank you again! 8]
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reader, willywombat  +, writes (29 January 2006):
 This girl is superficial and will destroy your self esteem. You are anice guy, get out while you acn and find someone who will value you for YOU.x
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 January 2006): I was thinking about a million things to say to you, but i think they all go down to my one thought: you deserve someone better. i dont think her pros outweigh her cons that you've described. what would happen if you did marry or stay with her? the cycle of her liking you, then not liking you will probably never stop until she grows up, if thats possible. being a girl, i understand she wants her friends to like you because they knew her before you, and know everything about her...but if she was truley in love with you or cared about you, there wouldn't be anyone who would stop her. and its just immature for her to be that way to that extent. shes a superficial little girl, who i think you've spoiled in a way. you seem like a good guy all around, and i think you've gone above and beyond for her already. what has she done for you? i understand you're upset but i think you need to be selfish for awhile and forget her. no friends, like you said. YOU CAN DO BETTER! good luck!
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