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Am I a woman who just can't help herself? I've fallen in love with a married man

Tagged as: Cheating, Crushes, Three is a crowd, Troubled relationships, Trust issues<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (31 March 2016) 9 Answers - (Newest, 1 April 2016)
A female South Africa age 41-50, *licia writes:

He is married, I have fallen so deeply in love with him I can't let go.

My feeling is since we both can't and don't want to let go we should just ride the situation that we are in and see where it takes us.

Every man who is single only wants to sleep with me or wants me for my money and I'm tired. But he still is very much in love with his wife and calls her and they talk loving each other all the time.

I have fallen so hard. Am I someone who just can't help herself?

I have never had love like this before with all three of my relationships.what can I do? Please respond if you are someone who can open their mind and be sensitive and respectful about my situation

View related questions: married man, money

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A female reader, followtheblackrabbit Cayman Islands +, writes (1 April 2016):

followtheblackrabbit agony auntA married man is an unavailable man. I'm open minded where I believe that what works for some don't have to make sense to others.

I believe in oily amorous relationships where you're bonded to more than one person and they are all willing to share your love. But, this is heartache.

He is married, he loves his wife and despite his obsession with you, she will always come first. Love is very complex and I know that what you feel is your reality. You love him, you see in him someone who appreciates you for more than your money and/or body.

As human beings, we all crave that and when we come to a point where we don't have it, it makes it all the more valuable when we think we find it. I believe love comes from unexpected places, but I don't think true love puts you in second place.

Relationships with married men end with regret, shame and sadly, self-loathing. Even if they do leave their wives, the new relationship is tainted by its foundation.

The choice has always been and always will be yours. Are you willing to suffer tremendously for the brief happiness? Can you pay the price that eventually must be paid? Take a day to think of all the pros and cons of this relationship. Reflect on you and your needs. I think a therapist might be helpful as well and I say this with utmost respect. Sometimes, we need another perspective to make sense of our situations.

I couldn't understand how and why I got myself into a destructive relationship, my therapist helped me see several reasons. One of them being that I honestly did not believe I deserved any better... Please think long and hard on this. Life is short and full of surprises. How much time are you willing to spend on something that is making you doubtful? You came here for a reason...listen to what your subconscious already knows. Remember too that this affair does not lessen your worth, people make mistakes, recovering from them is what strengthens us. Wish you all the best.

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A female reader, miss frank United Kingdom +, writes (1 April 2016):

Not sure how long this has been going on for, but you must know its not going to end well for you I'm sure.

Are you hoping he will leave his wife? I have to wonder what sort of man says he adores his wife then does what hes doing with you....this is not an honourable man, this is a guy who is a compartmentaliser- he spends his time justifying poor morals and behaviours....and you are part of doing that too. What he makes you feel- hold on to your hat because the bad side is coming! When his wife gets pregnant, when he spends his weekends and holidays with her, when you only have scraps from him and you are left a alone and lonely....this is an awfully bad situation for your mental well being. Are you strong enough to get out?

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (1 April 2016):

He is married. That means stay away from him. Don't be selfish and go after another woman's man. And if he is reciprocating feeings, he is a jerk. He is married. End of advice.

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A female reader, Abella United States +, writes (31 March 2016):

Abella agony auntand I tried to cover every base possible for the future. I know ever scenario does not apply, at the moment.

But it is hard to predict who you may fall in love with, at some time in the future.

And I just thought of one more guy to avoid. Sometimes you may need a persuasive, well presented charming guy

but what you don't know at the time is that he is a thoroughly degenerate gambler who thinks the BigWin is just on the horizen ahead. Run, don't just walk away from such a guy.

Never lend money to a gambler. Once they start borrowing money from family, friends, associates and new girlfriends or new boyfriends they are on the road to their own private depressing hell.

The amount of money they are holding is never enough when they are losing.

Lending them money is just enabling them to sink lower.

And you can never be their primary focus, even if they are completely unattached, because their energy and passion is being poured into gambling and gambling will win every time.

I have seen this happen to a very dear friend when her husband left her, not for another woman, but instead to pursue his obsession with Lady Luck (of which he has no luck) and gambling.

So I hope I have covered every possible base.

You want to attach yourself to this guy and you think he feels the same.

But he lacks moral and emotional strength, if he will cheat so easily on his beloved wife.

Thus for you, this dalliance can only end in tears.

I wish you all the best in the fiture.

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A female reader, aunt honesty Ireland + , writes (31 March 2016):

aunt honesty agony auntAbella has really taking her time to give you a fantastic answer and you should take what she says on board.

You say you have falling so deeply in love with him, even though you know he is married and he is not available. This tells me that you want what you cannot have, you like the chase, the thrill and you fall deeper and deeper. I think you need to work on your self esteem and your confidence, because you can do so much better than have a sleezy affair with a married man.

He does not want to let go because well he can have his cake and eat it as well. He has two women who he can enjoy, two women he can have sex with, but he only has one woman who he goes home to at night and keeps her warm and safe and that is not you. You want to ride this out and see the outcome, but do you honestly believe it will have a happy ending? Can you see him ever leaving his wife to be with you? Even if he did would you trust him that he will not do the same to you as he done to her? Am sure you must feel some guilt? If his wife was to find out, it could destroy her life, make her feel worthless and she could just fall apart, it would be hard to know that you where what caused her life to fall apart.

You say that you are tired of men only wanting sex or money from you, well then set your standards higher, do not give them what they want, and if you meet a decent man he will want more than that, but you need to love yourself first before anyone else will. You say you don't want men to treat you like this anymore and off course I understand, but how is a married man going to treat you. You will be his mistress, someone who he can have for sex. He cannot offer you a relationship, you can't trust him. What is it you love about him? He is dishonest and disloyal. He claims to love his wife and this is how he treats her? Could you trust him? Who knows how many more mistresses he has on the side for pleasure?

I can understand you are lusting over him, I don't believe you love him, as if you did you would ask him to leave his wife for you and hold out to then, but instead you are willing to just be his bit on the side. You need to love yourself more. Off course you can be helped but first you need to see that you have issues. It is nothing to be proud of falling in love with a married man. You need to seek help on getting yourself away from this situation, of having respect for yourself and other people in the world.

You may never have felt like this before in your other relationships, but maybe that was because you had then and there was no chase, no thrill. You need to sit and think about why you would want an affair with a married man, what good will come for you? More than likely you will fall deeper and get hurt a lot when he chooses to end it, and he will. As he married his wife who he loves. Off course he can not be trusted to keep it in his pants, and I hope for his poor wife's sake he does not give her some sort of STI. Look after yourself, love yourself, allow yourself to be happy and let this man go. He will only hurt you.

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A female reader, Abella United States +, writes (31 March 2016):

Abella agony auntEarly days in a relationship are full of the glow from rose coloured glasses. It seems too good to be true. It is exciting. And it is likely that you are seeing more of the promise than the reality.

He is married and believe me he will break your heart or harden your heart. Either way you will lose.

You have gone for a man who is unavailable, genuinely unavailable, because he is married - all because you don't value yourself highly enough.

What is more he is signalling to you that he cannot offfer you much, because he is still loving and attentive towards his wife. That is the best indicator that you are not likely to be anything more than a dalliance on the side. If he will contemplate cheating on a wife he professes to love and adore then he will cheat on you too.

There is nothing uplifting and noble about hoping to alienate the affections of a man away from the love and affection he has for his wife.

Some men are temporarily flattered that a woman has a crush on him, despite that fact that the man is married.

The honourable married man will be irritated and will make it clear that the answer is No.

The weaker man will decide to see how much he can get away with - on the side - until he scampers back to the wife when things get too heavy.

Who would you rather date? A weak man who is happy to forget his promises to his wife?

Or would you prefer an unmarried man who truly is single and fully available?

One relationship is a mere mirage, with hurried moments together, furtive gropes and the most (thought to be) treasured moments are fleeting.

while his complete absence from you on most or all public holidays and weekends will come to irk you.

Try to start listening to your own values of what is really respectul of you..

visualize the handsome approachable fit guy who is = unattached and available.

Why settle for second best in an overall sense (yes you have fallen for him - but long term he is unavailable)?

Visualize the sort of unattached lovely guy who is interested in a long term committed relationship.

Sure a guy may have or is likely to have family, from a previous relationship that has failed. Make sure you are respected and treated with respect and that he is proud to introduce you to his family.

You need to expect to be treated respectfully - you do not want to be the secret one who he sees on the side.

Sure a guy who is a widower or a divorced man is likely to have children. If he cares about his younger children then you may not meet the children until he is certain that you are ''the one.''

What you do not want is to be? Are you too accepting, and thus expecting to be the hidden woman who he chooses to never introduce to his family.

Whereas if he has adult children who are threatened by your presence then you have a right to expect that, if he is serious about you, that he will introduce you to his adult children after he has decided you are ''the one'' and he thus will, from then on, expect you to be acknowledged and to be treated with respect by all this adult children from then onwards.

You have a right to a relationship where meeting up with him is not a furtive, rushed, secret on-the-side meet-up.

All the intrigue of seeing him on the side where the scrutiny of the relationship by friends, family and colleagues is denied can sometimes seem to add a certain appeal, for some. As if there is no one else in the world except the couple. But this so called excitement of secretiveness of the relationship will wear thin and come to hurt you in the long run.

Expect to be treated well in the future.

Expect that you will only consider a guy who is completely unattached.

Expect that just because he flirts with you, pays you attention and makes a move on you then it can become a relationship.

Stop right there.

What do you know about him?

Qualify him as acceptable first.

(1), Is he just having a tough time with a wife who does not understand him? Stop. He does not qualify as he is unavailable.

(2).He is drowning in debt and creditors are starting to call? Is he suffering financial woes and creditors are chasing him? Stop. he needs to sort things out like an adult. He does not qualify yet for a relationship as he needs to be more responsible about his personal woes before he is ready for a relationship. Never choose to help him out as he needs to address why he

(3), is he being hounded by an ex or several exs for child support. Stop. See (2) above.

(4). Does he do drugs or even worse want to introduce you to the world of drugs. Stop. He is not in full control of his life and until he sorts that out he is not ready for a relationship.

(5). Does he drink alcohol excessively. Stop. See (4) above.

(6). Is he involved in any gang where he associates with others who commit crime. Stop. Birds of a feather flock together. You don't need a guy where his loyalty to you is second and his first loyalty is to living to impress others who flout the law.

(7). Never think you can buy into a relationship by spending regularly on his needs. Even if you think he'd look great is outfit A or you want to make him happy with Item X then STOP.

If a guy treats you well because you are continually spoiling him and giving him gifts then the guy is likely to stay with you in the short term while it advantages him. When the money and gifts stop he will move on to the next girl foolish enough to think she can buy his loyalty and devotion - it will not. He is just using the overly generous lady.

At all times think about ''where is this going and if it continues in this direction then IS this good for me now and in the future?''

The moment a guy treats you disrespectfully is the moment you have a right to question if the guy is right for you.

Sure you will either lose guys or never even start with a guy with these stricter qualifications.

Discarding losers as soon as you are aware of their shortcomings is better for you.

This way you should be discarding them before the relationship becomes sexual.

Never use sex in a way that has you thinking that this will cement the relationship .... .... NO it will not.

The sooner a guy can get you into bed is often an indicator that the guy's interest in you will also wane earlier too.

It is OK to qualify a guy first. If you let him know that you are not ready to be available in that way then the guy knows that then he will need to work harder to interest you.

He will enjoy the chase and the chance to woo you if he is the one.

Never make it that easy for him that he forms the view that you are easy.

If you have been too accomodating in the past and that you have ignored or put up with behaviour or actions that have been hurtful, dismissive or disrespectful towards you then you have settled for far less than you deserve.

If a guy says .. .. But you did that for X before me - ah that is the past.

You have a right to change your approach to dating at any time.

You have a right to be cherished, valued and respected.

Really examine what you want and how you want to be cherished, supported, cared about, and, eventually, loved.

Expect it.

Do not settle for less.

Know that you DO deserve it in the future.

In the interim look after you, keep fit, have some hobbies, work hard to give you good support and work on building your own self esteem.

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A female reader, alicia South Africa +, writes (31 March 2016):

alicia is verified as being by the original poster of the question

I nderstand that,But I think me and the guy are both obsessed in this position. Its not just my obsession. Wat would you do?

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A male reader, Serpico United States +, writes (31 March 2016):

Ill make it simple. You are in a cheating relationship, and your most suggested solution is the easiest way out - to just "ride the situation."

Also, your assertion that "every single man only wants me or sex or money" tells much more about you than them. Put another way, if single men are only after you for sex or money, then they clearly perceive you have nothing more to offer.

My advice to you is get out of the cheating relationship and take a hard look at yourself. You must be able to be more to a high value man than sex or money. Its not the easy road, but its the right one.

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A male reader, Denizen United Kingdom +, writes (31 March 2016):

Denizen agony auntIf you can't have what you want it always raises the temperature, figuratively speaking. But there are other people involved who will be hurt by your obsession. So try to do the right thing.

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