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Alone and lonely on Halloween. I missed my chance of marriage and kids and now feel that I don't fit!

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Question - (31 October 2016) 7 Answers - (Newest, 4 November 2016)
A female United States age 36-40, anonymous writes:

This isn't about romance, but it does pertain to relationships. Maybe no one has the answers, but I feel so sad. Today is Halloween and I used to love Halloween, but I'm depressed. I feel left out.

If you're an adult who is single, no kids, does that mean missing out on Halloween? I love Halloween but this year I feel sad, because it sucks missing out on my favourite holiday. On top of everything else, I feel like I missed my chance to belong. If you get to a certain age and you're still single, does that mean you can't fit in socially? It seems like Halloween is for families and I feel so left out because I love the holiday but it's no fun celebrating it alone. I miss dressing up and enjoying it with other people. I am an introvert but sometimes, being alone means loneliness. Am I wrong?

Everyone is celebrating it with their families and I feel lonely celebrating it by myself. I see other people getting so much joy from it and I just get anguish. I missed my chance to be married and have children and I feel like I'm at the age where you don't fit in if you don't have a family of your own. I am depressed and I have been crying all day. What can I do? Or am I just screwed?

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (4 November 2016):

I'm in the same situ finding myself 44, single and childless. I'm also introvert but still enjoy a party. I'm in the uk and although Halloween is not such a big deal here the circumstances we find ourselves in as we approach Christmas can hurt. Jody Day set up Gateway Women which you might find supportive or a book Rocking the Life Unexpected.

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A female reader, singinbluebird United States +, writes (1 November 2016):

singinbluebird agony auntHugs.

I'm so sorry youre crying. You didnt miss your chance though sweetie, you can still get out there and have what you want. People live longer now, marry older, and you can still be an amazing mom in your 30s to 40s.

Dont give up. Smile because if you work on it, you can have the most amazing and fun-filled Halloweens in the future. it all starts with you =)

Good luck

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (1 November 2016):

I feel exactly the same. I am so sad, miserable, and lonely. I do everything I can for myself. I socialize, I exercise every day, I eat well, take care of myself, get good sleep. Volunteer my time at programs that are meaningful and fun to me. I have lots of friends and people who like me. But at 38, I loathe being single. And single for a lifetime. I'm sad and depressed and grieving the so many things that would have made me happy. I hate going to bed alone every night. I hate being around friends and their families when I don't have one. I hate not knowing what my future will look like. I hate not having kids to dress up in Halloween costumes. Facebook is one costume and pre-school picture after another. I literally cry and want to die every single day. I really hate when people call it depression because it's not a mental condition. I keep my body, mind, and soul as healthy as I possibly can with everything I can do in my control. "Talking" about it doesn't make me feel better and neither does any drug. I am so over putting in time and going through the days living for nothing.

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A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (1 November 2016):

Singling out holidays or calendar-dates to decide you're lonely might actually be signs of depression. I do recommend you see the doctor, just to be sure things are okay.

People who claim shyness as a reason for being socially-challenged should seek therapy in extreme cases of anxiety, or simply go outside their comfort-zone for the sake of connection with other people. If you don't offer anyone a welcoming smile or a friendly greeting; people are simply put-off, or respect your protective-shields (or walls) and just leave you alone in your shyness. If you make no effort, you get no results. You make friends, they don't just line-up at your door. You put yourself out there.

You gain through trial and error. Perseverance yields rewards. You get-up and dust yourself off when you make mistakes or fall. You get-up and you keep trying.

Our society has nearly falsely convinced and brainwashed people into believing you are a loser, or less of a human being; if you're not married, or don't have children. Everyone can't have children, everyone isn't cutout to be a parent, and some people take almost a lifetime to find their best match. Fate and destiny isn't the same for everyone. Some find love late in life, some are fortunate to find it sooner. People don't come from molds or cookie cutters. We are individuals with separate fates and experiences in life.

Sometimes we don't get what we want until we prove we deserve it. Some blessings received are just gratuitous, deserved or not. You must be thankful all the same.

If you are a kind and compassionate soul, you should overrule your propensity to shy away from people and open-up. You have to be visible, available, and warm to people before you're noticed. I've overcome a lot of my own shyness by volunteering my services to charity, attending live-concerts, going to community events, giving my time for kids events for my own nieces and nephews; or even standing-in for friends who are working-parents who needed me to be there for their kids. I have none of my own, but it's hard to really say that, when I've so many loving people around me. I can adopt whenever I please, or father one. It's all a matter of personality. Personalities are molded, enhanced, and forged from our life-experiences and education. So we do have some control over fate.

It's a choice to allow shyness and introversion to rule your life. If it's a disorder, then you owe it to yourself to seek professional-help. Having children and spouses doesn't determine or guarantee a life of happiness and fulfillment. Those who have taken vows of celibacy and are devoted to serve their faith would be considered losers; if it was all based on marriage and children. Wouldn't you think?

Life is a gift. Too many people see only the worst in everything, yield to bitterness and cynicism, and never count their blessings. When you tire of being alone, walk out into the light and overcome what has held your back.

Throw your own intimate parties, show-up for family celebrations, and stop-by for visits during holidays. Sitting around being bitter, feeling sorry for yourself, and not appreciating the gift and blessing of life is a choice; if it isn't due to a diagnosed-illness. If you don't know why you're depressed, you must seek professional evaluation to be sure it isn't due to illness. Otherwise; you've decided to isolate yourself from humanity, now you're holding regret for doing so. Shyness us something you outgrow, resist, or try to overcome. Life is full of challenges, and opening-up to people is necessary for survival and reproduction. As you're now beginning to see for yourself.

It's never as bad as it seems. In fact, if you only focus on what you don't have, you miss being thankful for what you do have. That's why it's good to get out and do volunteer work to help the less fortunate. That's when you begin to see how blessed you may be.

You can't allow yourself to dismiss all your given blessings to see only the dark-side and shortcomings of life. Life IS what you make it. People struggle, and the joy is in overcoming your challenges, sharing, and caring.

You want more out of life. Go get it. Your life doesn't have set deadlines and schedules. You put them there based on crap dictated by society. You don't have to give birth to children, you can adopt them. People get married in their 80's and 90's. Why? Because love knows no age. We all set our own goals, limits, and boundaries. We might give-up under pressure, or allow ourselves to be defeated by one failure. That too, falls among choices we make.

What you are meant to have is determined by your ambition, believing in yourself, hard-work, destiny, and the choices you make.

There is no timeline or cutoff-date until you're in your grave, my dear lady. You live as long as God gives you breath. You pursue happiness as long as you feel the energy to do it.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (1 November 2016):

Hi

I don't know if this will help but I go dancing a lot, I do modern jive and west coast swing. They have parties on at lots of different venues across the country for different occasions such as Halloween and Christmas etc. Loads of people go and have fun and dance and dress up. People love to go to these things in fancy dress. If dancing's not your thing, maybe there's something similar you would like that you can go to.

I have no children, am 55 years old and I love my life! I'm happy and I attract a lot of people because of that. Life has to be what you make it. One day you won't be here at all, so why be negative while you have the chance to live and be happy! Think of people who are ill and who would give ANYTHING to be well like you.

I know all this is easier said than done, but it's TRUE!!

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (1 November 2016):

Honeypie agony auntI think there are MANY people out there like you. People who like to be on their but don't want to be lonely. I'd look for meetup groups in the area. Volunteer positions, chasing some dreams, traveling - if I were you. The possibilities are ENDLESS! Unlike many other people, you are NOT tied down by a family. So there ARE some bright sides to being single.

This year I sat at home on Halloween. My oldest had a birthday bash to go to, middle one went with her little second cousin trick or treating and my youngest went with her bestie. Hubby worked overtime and well, SOMEONE had to stay home and to juggle the picking the kids up from various places at various times. That was my Halloween! Not very exciting.

Feeling sorry for yourself doesn't FIX that hole in your heart. I know that sounds rather brutal, but the ONLY one who can make changes to YOUR life, is YOU. So figure out what you want, set some goal and go for them. OK so maybe having kids are NOT in your cards. Doesn't mean you can't find a volunteer group that read to kids at the local library, school or hospital.

Find a purpose in life that MAKES you happy. Don't give up and don't presume that you have hit your "expiration date" because you aren't likely to have kids.

I had a great aunt who never married, never had kids and she was one of my FAVORITE people in my life. She definitely lead a full life, she was always positive, busy, loving, caring, fun. I could go on. She left a gaping hole in SO many people's heart when she died of a brain tumor 25 years ago. I WISH WISH my kids would have met her.

Having a husband and/or kids in not the be all - end all. LIVING a good life is. (IMHO)

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (1 November 2016):

Hi

Please don't feel sad...and remember that although you feel lonely sometimes it is always heightened when special events arrive. You don't have to #fit in or belong in any society, you are a unique individual and need to recognise this. As long as you believe that you have to 'fit in' you will carry a feeling of not belonging. You don't have a family of your own...this may change overnight, this may happen when you least expect it, or it may never happen.

Find your true self and home in on all the things you like to do, the qualities and abilities that you do have, think single minded about the life you wish to create for you! please don't be somebody who only lives their life from a false belief system. Loneliness can be filled in many way's, Halloween parties can be shared...why wait for invites...make them and send them next year. Christmas...don't wait for invites...invite other people.

Feeling hurt and rejected by societies belief will plunge you into depression....stand tall with fresh eyes and excitement about what CAN BE!!!

Happy Halloween and Boo!!!!!!:)

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