A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Is it dangerous to sleep with anyone randomly? Because all my friends do that and nothing happens but I'm very sceptical? I need answers because I'm struggling. Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 July 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWiseOwlE yes!!! That's so true. I need to accept that to life my life there is always going to be tribulations!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 July 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHoneypie, I Understand what you're saying, I think I just don't want to get in a situation where I am thinking too much about it! Just need to relax but I am a safe person as you say I'm sure sleeping randomly with people isn't for me but I am so drawn to this guy.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 July 2015): My concern is that you don't develop an unhealthy fear that goes beyond caution and responsible behavior. Your friends are having random and frequent partners; but you must take into account that the risk is from unprotected-sex with random people. Not sex.
I also have to consider a bit of gullibility on your part.
Your friends may be exaggerating, and embellishing on how frequently and/or how sexually-active they are. You are taking them literally at their word. If you are a virgin, you may assume they're having sex all over the place. I really doubt that is the case. Your naivety and inexperience is at the basis of your fear. You shouldn't think in terms of danger, but consider the health risks.
You can't be afraid to drive because cars have accidents. You can't be afraid of dogs, because many dogs bite. You have to use reason and discernment. Just be responsible with your body. When it comes time for a long-term relationship and sex; consider getting tested together.
You may still want to practice safe-sex knowing your partner has a lot more sexual experience. Especially if you haven't really developed a particularly exclusive relationship.
Paranoia could cause you problems with intimacy, and we are being very careful not to spook you to that point. Just be careful, as you would crossing the street, drinking alcohol, or doing anything that involves your personal safety and good health. Also keep your emotional well-being in mind. A lot of things are "dangerous" but the point is is risk from irresponsibility, not certainty of disaster.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (18 July 2015):
 I'm 46 and have had 4 partners from 19-46 (1 partner the last 20 years).
But I DO think the NUMBER is irrelevant. AS long as you take care of yourself (health-wise etc)
And all 4 partners were relationships (last one marriage).
I don't see a problem with a woman (or man) having had 20 or 30. That is their choice. I just wish people put a little more THOUGHT into it.
I have a stepson who was UTTERLY promiscuous in his 20's and his is HIV positive. BUT THAT is not due to the amount of partner he had, but to NOT making sure he practiced safe sex. He knew that using condoms is the smart thing, he chose to play Russian Roulette with his life by thinking he was "invincible". The "it's not going to happen to me" attitude. THAT is dangerous and THAT I don't condone.
YOU are thinking BEFORE doing. Which makes you smart, not "serious" as you call it. It's like looking both ways before crossing a busy road. Most people do that because? it's SMART.
...............................
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (18 July 2015):
 Ha, found it!
http://www.kinseyinstitute.org/resources/FAQ.html#number
...............................
A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (18 July 2015):
I think I read somewhere, or maybe it was just gossip on dearcupid, that the average number of sexual partners, worldwide, is 4.
...............................
A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (18 July 2015):
"A lot" is an unspecific term and can mean just about anything, depending on the viewpoint of each and every person. I have a friend who's only ever slept with 4 people, she thinks thats plentiful. I myself have to admit I stopped counting/stopped bothering to remember, because after a decade has passed I forget their names and faces and can't remember. But it's somewhere between 12 and 18, I guess. I would say that is a lot. And now Im only counting intercourse, not everything else. I know others who claim to have had a relationship if they've merely been on three dates, and who no doubt would count in all forms of physical contact, kissing or touching or just viewing.
They say men add 3, and women deduct 3.
But what someone considers a lot is really up to what they are "taught" to think. If your friends sleep around with 8-15 men, then that would be considered normal. If they sleep with 4 people, then anything above 6 would probably be considered a lot. While those who have only ever had one partner, will find 4 a lot.
...............................
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (18 July 2015):
 Hi OP, gosh thanks for all the followups! I guess the original question you asked said that you didn't sleep with random people because it concerns you, isn't that right? So, now we have more information on your real question.
How about trying this, now that you've read the answers, why not ask the real question you seem to have?
:) Looking forward to hearing the real question so we can give you better answers.
P.S. Please include how clued in you are about STIs and sexual health! That would be super helpful! :)
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 July 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAlso, what would you all say A LOT of women is to have had sex with? Because we are talking over 30+ here and I've personally slept with 4.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 July 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTisha-1 wow you are so right lol!! I am very much concerned about what people think of me, so I do bow down to peer pressure A LOT!!! I really wish I didn't, which I make sure when it comes to this sort of thing, I am very serious. But this guy is so sweet and I am attracted to him even though I KNOW he has been through many people at my work never mind elsewhere?! So, I know I should stay away from him, but I think one side of me likes the thrill because I know it's risky but then the other side is telling me to be serious because I will be so disgusted if I get something or something just goes t*ts up!! I am finding this so hard because he KNOWS he is a charmer but I am being sucked in! I know that I have a chance with other people, I know I am not unwanted but this situation is stressing me!
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 July 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHoneypie thanks, you give great advice!
...............................
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (18 July 2015):
"I don't want to get known as the serious one!" Why ever not? You are being serious.
"I just feel awkward about contraception as stupid and pathetic as it sounds." Well, if you are feeling this awkward then perhaps you aren't quite ready to have sex? You haven't found the right man or have had enough good medical advice.
Set your boundaries, ensure you take care of your own sexual health and well-being. Educate yourself. That involves not being bowed by peer pressure, or sexual blackmail and involves you doing some basic research.
I also detect that you might need some work on your self-esteem? A bit too worried about what others might think? Too worried about what a player might think if you insist on a condom or something sensible?
Oh, and P.S. bad idea to sleep with men at work. Especially a busy player type. Take good care of yourself, OP, because you are your own best advocate.
Definitely have a chat with your gyn.
And don't think of it as a short straw. Think of it as a life lesson. It's presented itself as something you might benefit from in the long term.
When life presents lemons, we're told, make lemonade. So when life presents a sex challenge, read the manual. Ha.
Educate yourself, OP, talk to your gyn, read the links from the NHS. There is so much sensible safe sex advice out there.
And work on that self-esteem, 'mkay? That appears to be one of your top priorities. :)
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (18 July 2015):
Oh and OP, I forgot to add that there IS a vaccine out to prevent HPV - I think there is a "max" age level though, but I would SERIOUSLY consider getting one.
My 2 oldest daughters (15 and 13) have both gotten the shots, even though they are NOT sexually active. If the vaccine can prevent getting HPV... it's worth it in my book.
And I would also suggest that WHEN/IF you are considering sex, that you BUY condoms and carry with you.
Telling a guy, hey no condom, no sex.. is not being "serious" it's being smart and safe.
(and If you buy the flavored ones... BE SURE to only use those for ORAL, NOT for insertion (penis in vagina) and the "flavoring" can give mess with you natural Ph and you can end up with an UTI or worse a Vaginal bacterial infection.
Mind you! I'm not trying to scare you, just trying to educate you :)
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 July 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you so much for your answers again, you've all made me think so much!This person I am liking at the moment I know is a guy who has been with a significant amount of people but I really am liking him so much, I just feel awkward about contraception as stupid and pathetic as it sounds. I don't want to get known as the serious one!!! But neither am I, or ever will be one to sleep around various men. Just picked a short straw meeting this man through my work!!!Stressful!! chigirl thank you so much as well because your reply was very helpful on a personal level. I just feel stuck and am so useless sometimes.
...............................
A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (18 July 2015):
Yes, you can ask that everyone you sleep with get tested, but that isn't going to happen if you're looking for a one night stand. You'll need to get to know a person first, and agree on some sort of arrangement, exclusivity, otherwise there'd be no point in getting tests done. Besides, tests take around two weeks to come back with results, so that isn't going to happen if you're just looking for a casual hook-up.
No, if you want casual sex, but no STI's, then you need to wear condoms at all times. That's the only way to do it. And by all times I mean even for touching and rubbing and for bj's too.
I will remind you though, most STI's are treatable, or harmless if caught early. So just get tested regularly, and if you happen to catch anything you'll get it treated.
But I do want to emphasize that it is not a "mistake" to catch an STI. As long as you've been using protection, you've done what you need to do. It's only a mistake if you sleep with someone without using a condom. I just see so many people thinking only "sluts" (hate that word) get STI's, or only those who are dirty, or those who are stupid etc. It's got nothing to do with anything other than chance. It's like crossing a street, you look to both sides and then you walk. You use condoms. You've taken your precautions. It is not your fault if a car suddenly speeds over the limit and rams into you. Same as you're not at fault if you happen to catch an STI. It's not something to pass blame over. I had a boyfriend once with Hepatitis C, which is also classed under STI's. He didn't sleep around. He never had a girlfriend before even. He got it from a needle at a hospital in Ukraine, where he lived when he was younger. It wasn't a mistake on his part to get it, same as no one who gets an STI "deserved" it or had it coming. It's pure chance. I know guys who have slept with more than they can count, and not used condoms, who haven't caught anything. And I know those who have only a few sexual encounters, between 1-3, and get an STI. It's really not something you can prevent 100%.
...............................
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (18 July 2015):
So it's STIs you are concerned about then. Well, educate yourself on how to prevent them and how they are transmitted so you'll be able to manage your sexual health just fine. Do have an in-depth discussion with your doctor about your concerns and your specific details or areas of worry.
There are many many websites out there that discuss safe sex, I found you a link that might help: http://www.nhs.uk/Livewell/STIs/Pages/STIs-hub.aspx
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 July 2015): The higher the number of random partners you have; the greater you raise the risk of contracting a sexually-transmitted disease.
People still have the notion heterosexual sex is safe-sex; and HIV is a "gay disease." Foolish females let guys talk them into not using condoms; so there will always be plenty of STD's to go around. Mainly because people can be pretty stupid and take crazy health risks. In spite of warnings and education on the subject. Some even think the meds taken for HIV is a cure!!! So people don't take all the necessary precautions to be safe.
Well, the consequences can be incurable and irreversible.
You can hurt other people with your foolish behavior.You also gain a reputation of being promiscuous and unfeeling. Word gets around about guys and girls who sleep around and don't seem to care (or care for) who they have sex with.
Many people don't get tested; so if they catch a silent infection; they will infect many others. By the time they discover what they have, it could leave permanent damage.
You shouldn't be paranoid or frightened of sex. Just be careful, take precautions to keep yourself safe, and never let anyone talk you out of using condoms. Once these people do become infected, they fall in-love. The problem with that is; some people don't want to date or marry people who are HIV positive, or have herpes. Reckless behavior has terrible consequences. So don't blame it on having sex, blame it on unsafe sex! And stupidity! There is far too much education out there for people not to know any better!
...............................
A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (18 July 2015):
 Rdom sex is kinda like Russian Roulete. One live round in a random chamber..spin, pull trigger...hope for the best. Not in my world. You're just smarter than your friends. Stay safe youngster.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (18 July 2015):
YOU can ask EVERYONE you want to sleep with to show you they are clean. Personally, I have never done casual sex (because I don't think sex IS casual). But I have also never dated a guy who refused to get tested before we started having sex.
When it came down to my now husband and I to become "serious" we did the STD panel AND a HIV test as well. He did those every 6 months (due to being in the Army) and I found it a GOOD thing to consider IF you are serious about someone.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 July 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for all your answers, it is worrying me because I have always been very serious about this sort of thing but I am scared of any diseases the last answer basically sums it up for me. How did you find out she had herpes? I would rather everyone I slept with took a test but I know that isn't gonna happen! I have only started to sleep with people I was a later starter at 19!
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 July 2015): I know a girl who broke up with her long-term boyfriend a couple of years ago, and began sleeping around. She recently found out she has herpes. Just because of one person, and one mistake. I am taking her as a cautionary tale from now on. I don't think it's worth that risk.
...............................
A
male
reader, olderthandirt +, writes (18 July 2015):
Rdom sex is kinda like Russian Roulete. One live round in a random chamber..spin, pull trigger...hope for the best. Not in my world. You're just smarter than your friends. Stay safe youngster.
...............................
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (18 July 2015):
I think the other aunts have covered the pregnancy/STD issues quite well. I'm just wondering if what you mean by sleeping with anyone randomly means meeting a stranger off some app or website and bringing a complete stranger home. Or having sex with a complete stranger in a place like a carpark or the loo of a nightclub? Because those choices are obviously dangerous.
If your friends are doing those things, you might want to rethink your choice of friends, or convince them that they are being reckless, and may wind up raped, injured, traumatized or even killed.
What is it you are struggling with, exactly? Their behaviour? Worrying about their safety, health and well-being? Or is it that you would like to as well but worry about it?
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (18 July 2015):
I agree with YouWish.
You say "nothing" has happened yet.. Well, ANY of them could have contracted HPV and just not shown any symptoms YET. That can actually take years to show up. And it's not something you can TEST for, unless you show cell changes on your pap-smear, there is NO way of knowing you have it. That can lead to cervical cancer in women and cancer in the penis for men.. (colon cancer for both men/women) so really not something to take likely. And THAT can transfer without blood. So through bodily fluids & skin contact ( like when oral is performed).
I will also presume that your friends are NOT testing themselves regularly? They just assume that their partners don't carry any STD/STI - and THAT is dangerous.
I think Chigirl's line of thinking ( If I can't handle the consequences then I won't do it) is smart. I'd call it close to "survival of the smartest)
If they want to have causal sex till the cows come home, let them - but for yourself MAKE a EDUCATED choice.
Casual sex is not for everyone. You might be one of those. NOTHING wrong in not wanting to do it.
...............................
A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (18 July 2015):
 Casual sex is risky like Russian Roulette is risky. Five times out of six, no damage occurs, but that one time out of six, it's devastating.
Don't make the mistake of thinking that just because devastation hasn't happened YET, that it never will. If you become skeptical, do a search on pregnancy and STI statistics.
There are ways to protect yourself, but that doesn't cancel out the fact that casual sex is risky. There's no way around it. I'm not saying to be in fear, but just like an open fire is risky, or using a gun or a chainsaw or operating a motor vehicle carries risks, you need to respect and be knowledgeable with it.
Being reckless with a car, a gun, or a chainsaw can be devastating. Being reckless with sex is the same way.
...............................
A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (18 July 2015):
Depends on what you are scared of. If you're scared of pregnancy, don't worry, just wear condoms and you'll be fine. If you're scared of STI's, same answer as above, wear a condom and you'll be fine.
Really, you can't go around being scared of life. If you don't feel like sleeping with randoms strangers then you're not obligated to, I mean that's up to you to decide. But if you actually want to, but then you're just scared, then you should ask yourself what exactly you're scared of.
I have a bit of a "strict" way to think about it. I sincerely feel that if I can not handle the consequences of my actions, then I should not be engaging in such actions. That means, I will not have sex with anyone unless Im prepared for the possibility of ending up pregnant with this person. Or yeah, catch and STI too for that matter. I wear protection, and it's kept me safe all these years, no accidents or anything. But then I am responsible enough to get regular check-ups, I get tested regularly, and always before entering a new relationship. I do home pregnancy test routinely just to be sure Im not pregnant. Once when I was on medication that could harm a fetus, I made sure to wear both condoms and eat my birth control pill, just in case, because if I happened to get pregnant while on this medication it would give the fetus defects.
Im not scared of the consequences, because I have read up on sex, STI's, I know how babies are made, Im educated on the matter. So Im not scared. Most people are scared of the unknown, because they don't know how an STI infects. They don't know what to look for, what's dangerous and what isn't.
I suggest you read up online about the different STI's and how they transmit from one human to another. Most of the time it's through blood and will need an open wound in order to infect you. Therefor needles are scary. Never share a needle. Hence why druggies are a risk group of STI's, not because they have sex with each other, but because they share needles.
Anyway, read up on it, educate yourself, then as yourself again if it's something to be scared of. Safety first. If it makes you uncomfortable, then do need to do it.
...............................
A
female
reader, Anonny +, writes (18 July 2015):
Oh - and I forgot to add - Just cause you say 'nothing happens' to them now - it doesn't mean 10 years down the line it will be the same. Pregnancies, cervical cancer & STDs don't just happen overnight you know!
...............................
A
female
reader, Anonny +, writes (18 July 2015):
You do right to be concerned - not for them but for yourself! If they want to sleep around & not care about unwanted pregnancies, heartache & STDs then that's up to them! Don't follow them - know your own mind! Why does it bother you what your friends do anyway (or say they do - as half of it is probably exaggeration!!)
You live your life the way you want to live it & don't be pressurised by your friends, porn sites or magazines trying to sell sex just to make money.
If you still think you are being sceptical about it - think of it like this - would like the life of a prostitute but not get paid for it? For it's no different to what your friends say they're doing - unless they're finding 'true love' with every man/woman they sleep with - which I very much doubt!!
...............................
|
