A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:Am I asking for too much? I have been dating a guy for a little over two years now. When we started dating he was still married but seperated, which I did not find out until I started asking questions about the divorce. By this time, though, I was already quite emotionally involved and believed him when he said that things were over. Well, things were over and after a year of being together the divorce was finalized. The two of them have remained friends, which I am ok with but still uncomfortable with. I have asked him, in many different ways, from nice to not nice at all, to take a break from their friendship, just a few months, while I adjust and gain some security in this relationship. I had a very hard time dealing with the fact that he was still married and at one time even sought counseling, but it got expensive. He is honest, when I ask, about talking to her, but I do know that she still calls on anniversaries, both wedding and when they moved in together. This I feel is inappropriate. He has agreed that it is inappropriate, but has not told her that. He refuses to stop talking to her, even temporarily, and calls their relationship tenuos at best. I have also asked that he just tell me when they do talk, without me asking that is, and he won't because I get upset. I do not want to be the girl that is/seems petty and jealous. I have tried to reevaluate this on as many levels as I can come up with, but I just want a little time to heal from the drama of having a third person in the relationship, a person I have never met or spoken to. Am I asking too much? I just want to feel like he is putting my needs before hers and am feeling quite crazy and confused. I don't know how to make him understand me. Please help.
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female
reader, Gena Bullock +, writes (28 March 2008):
 My bf and me went through divorces and we don't talk to our ex's anymore...unless it involves the kids--they're grown now though...so that is seldom, if at all.
Unless they had kids together, then he's got issues that aren't resolved betwixt them. (feeings are still there)
He needs to 'get over her' and visa versa or you need to move on with your life. Don't play third wheel...it hurts too much. Been there, done that.
Gena
A
female
reader, Ask oldersister +, writes (27 March 2008):
 It's REAL hard to trust someone when they were dishonest with you in the beginning! When your boyfriend describes the relationship with his ex-wife as "tenuous at best" yet still keeps consistent contact with her, remembering important dates, I would be suspicious too. The fact he doesn't set that boundary with her even though he agrees it's "inappropriate" does justify what you are saying about that feeling of putting her before you. Does she know that you were seeing him while they were separated? She could be the one being petty and jealous, trying to get back at you and that's even more reason for him to protect your relationship. Guys are sometimes dumb about being insensitive so I would tell him very cleary that if he values you and your relationship, he needs to put some "appropriate" space between he an his ex. This would mean no contact on those dates that represent their romantic past, for sure. Best wishes.
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