A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I broke up with my boyfriend, of almost 5 years, yesterday morning. I'd posted on here about a week ago how he wasn't good for me yet I couldn't find it in me to leave. 2 nights ago he pushed my buttons so far that I walked away from it. Yesterday was a struggle and I'd busted out crying on and off all day. Today, I've cried once, but I know in the end I'll be okay, as this is no loss to me. It actually is a gain.The problem I'm having is the strong urge to snoop on him. I blocked him from facebook and everywhere else but I'm getting such "cravings" to go see what he's doing on fb. What I want to know is how to stop this feeling? I get this urge, I look by using another account, and then I feel better for a bit. It's like an addiction in itself.
View related questions:
broke up, facebook Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (13 March 2015):
 Hs an idea; While you are "snooping" i.e. infringing on the privacy of others bear in mind that someone might be infringing on your personal thoughts,words or actions. That might cure you of being a nosey old person. Live and let live!
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 March 2015): Oscar Wilde said, "the only way to get rid of temptation is to yield to it."
There's alot of truth to that. When you break up with someone, you're going to snoop. There's no way around it. You can fight the urge and be strong but most likely at some point you are going to cave. Everybody checks up on their old flames periodically. It's pretty natural.
Just as long as your heart is set on moving on. That's what counts.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 March 2015): The urge to snoop is counterproductive to your detachment process and healing.
It'll feel good the first few minutes, but you're picking at an emotional scab. A little at a time, until it's an open sore. Eventually a gaping wound!
SO QUIT IT!!! I can't shake you; so imagine I'm shaking some sense into you right-now! Not violently, just enough to get your attention!
You'll find yourself emotionally regressing. You'll make yourself cry every-time you see a happy message or picture; because he may not seem as miserable as you are. If he's getting messages from other females; then you'll dive into depression. So stop torturing yourself. The high is only temporary. The withdrawal is excruciating! You'll keep going back for a fix, and then you'll feel miserable and sad afterwards. Coming down off a "snoop-high" is exhausting. Draining. Seeing all that happiness going his way. It's a false perception. He's putting on a performance for your benefit. He knows you're snooping. He knows YOU!
The urge to stalk him on Facebook will be overwhelming at times. You have to have a few positive affirmations to quote to yourself to break that mindset. Have a pad and pen by your i-pad, phone, or laptop. Write down 10-times "I'm not going to snoop, because I feel I'm getting better." Sit-down and write yourself a letter, or keep a journal about your feelings. The urge builds stronger and stronger inside you. So describe it on paper. Use old-fashioned pen and paper. That's more therapeutic. Be consistent about it. Distraction is your antidote for the toxic snoop-juice pulsing through your veins.
Turn-off your phone before bedtime. If it lights up in the night, you will stay awake the rest of the night. I hated when that happened! That also tempts you to send some pathetic text message, or your mind will convince you to seek his pity. You don't want any guy feeling sorry for you like you're some pathetic lump of flesh he left behind. You're stronger that that. Just not right now.
You're allowed to do a few crazy things to get it out of your system. Avoid things that can become a repetitive activity (snooping) or habit. You will get a little bit of OCD (i.e. checking your phone for messages every few seconds). You'll even find yourself staring-down every car that looks like his. You'll go crazy, because it will seem like everybody decided to go out and buy the same year, model, and color as his! Been there and done that!
When you feel the urge coming on, run and do something that requires concentration and your fullest-attention. If you're at work, concentrate on your tasks. Remember...your boss is watching at all times! If they notice you're distracted, they may mention it to you. So do everything to pull yourself together. I know you're at work most of your day; so the feeling to snoop will overtake you, even then. When your mind should be on what you're doing, instead of "him."
I'm a boss. I know when my workers have personal-issues they're going through. They trust me and they share things; but I always suggest we keep it as impersonal as professionalism requires. They appreciate having something extra to do, to take their mind off their personal-problems. If they ask for it, I'm more than happy to offer!
I got dumped a couple of years ago. I used to have thoughts about all the great times we had together. It would depress me; because he dumped me without a fight, or any sort of disagreement. In-fact, we never fought. He said I deserved better. All-righty then!!!
Everything was great...I thought?!!
Anyway, those recurring thoughts drove me crazy. So I'd go write stuff down. I'd get into it. I kept a journal and updated it daily. It took my mind off him. I could feel myself getting better and better; and thinking of him less and less. I would have relapses. Then I'd repeat to myself..."I'm getting better, he says I can do better, and I can." I had pads all over the house, and in the bathrooms. I wrote things down; especially when I found myself retreating into my own head. You know, it's like you're in your car driving around in a heavy rainstorm; only you're in your own mind. Your body feels disconnected from your brain. That's when your body will do thinks you didn't ask it to. Like send cry-baby text messages with stupid emoticons. (I didn't do that, it's just an example!) Or you feel yourself wanting to write him this long tear-stained letter. That's okay as long as you burn it afterwards. If you mail it, it turns into "stupid gibberish." So, that's what he'll see when he reads it.
Don't do that either. That's what snooping is. Your body doing things without your logical-mind's permission.
Every-time I got the message tone on my phone, I would wish it was him. I changed that stupid tone, so it would sound completely different for each person who sends me messages. So that keeps you from anticipating their calls or messages. Change your ringtone; because it will remind you of your old call routines. Something cheerful and different makes you feel new and refreshed!
I've passed this on to others, and we found that it helps.
Keep this in mind. Snooping is only fulfilling as long as you don't see something that will break your heart. The more you keep checking-up on him, the more likely you will see things that will wreck your feelings. He will set you up for that. Your heart will fill-up with lead, and try to fall out of your chest. I know that awful feeling. I wouldn't wish it on an enemy. Well, may one!
Hang in there, sweetheart! Come back to us and vent your feelings whenever you need to. We'll help!
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 March 2015): To be honest, there really is no way to stop feeling this "craving". I mean its natural to feel this way, you guys were together for almost 5 years thats along time. The best thing to do is keep yourself busy go out with friends and even turn your phone off if you have. If it is truly over you have to distance yourself, its going to be hard but you can do it. Trust me ??
...............................
|
