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After seeing my own daughter masturbating on a porn site I've become sexually attracted to her. It's so humiliating, how can I stop these feelings of lust for her?

Tagged as: Family, Forbidden love<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (14 April 2008) 20 Answers - (Newest, 26 November 2009)
A male United States age 41-50, anonymous writes:

After seeing my own 19 year old daughter masturbating on an internet home-video porn site I've become sexually attracted to her and can't stop looking at her and thinking of her in that way.

I haven't been with a woman sexually in a long time, maybe over a year, and it's been almost ten years since I was in a long term relationship with a woman. I've filled my time up w/taking care of my kids, but now that they're grown I'm feeling very lonely. I'm looking to date, and hoping that once I find a woman I like this will all fade away and disappear forever.

It's on my mind whenever my daughter and I spend time together now, and I can't help but fear she might notice a difference in me. We have always been very close, but I never thought of her like this before. If I had not seen her in that damned masturbation video several months back I'm certain I never would have started feeling like this at all.

Believe me I know how sick this is, so spare me your taunts of revulsion. I can only thank God I felt this way only recently, now that she's an adult. If she had been young when these feelings surfaced, because of how instense they are, I don't know how I would have remained sane.

Know this; I will never share these feelings with her, act on them in any way or tell anyone in my life about them. It's so humiliating, and I don't want to look at her like this, but I can't stop these feelings of lust for her.

I am lusting after my own daughter and it's tearing me apart.

I'm mortified. How do I stop thinking about her in this way? Do I need professional help, or will it go away after a while? Has any father or mother out there--who is decent and moral like I used to consider myself--ever felt this way about his or her own daughter or son? If so, what did you do? Answer me anonymously if you must, but please tell me this is just some weird mid-life crisis or phase and that it will pass. It's been almost six months since I seen her in that video, and it only seems to have gotten worse.

Can anyone give me any assurances that I'm not losing my mind? Or, are my suspicions correct, and I've already lost it beyond repair? I just want things to go back to the way they used to be.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (26 November 2009):

Hello. First off, do not be ashamed for posting this. You are not the only one who has felt this way. And i don't just mean me. Problem is we have mental reasoning telling us one thing, and emotional, and sexual feelings telling us something else. I relate to you because i have desires for my daughter too. Problem for me is, she's only 13. Guess that makes me an even bigger freak. I think the main thing for both of us is that we never take any action based on our feelings. Sure, WE have the desire, but what does SHE think? Not the same as us, i'm sure. It's one of those things we have to learn to live with. I've heard it said, maybe in a movie or something, that every father is in love with his daughter to some degree. I believe that. But as long as we understand the bounderies, and respect them. Our relationships with them, the ones we love most, will be ok. I hate, that my only answer for you is that you simply have to live with this, but so far that's all I can do. Maybe in time, we can both find another source and focus for our desires. Until then we are condemed. By ourselves and by the people who don't understand us because they have never been in this situation. I'm sorry brother, but for the sake of our children we must endure this, and find a way to move on. And always keep their happieness first. No matter what we feel.

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A female reader, cella Ireland +, writes (25 February 2009):

cella agony aunthi, i was very shocked reading this,your not a bad person firsly,but you do most deffinately need some professional help.what id like to know is what made you watch this in the first place? because already this is unatural.for example i am a parent,and if i stumbled across my son or daughter masterbating on video i would be discusted and turn if off straight away.these feelings as you know are not normal and the only advice i can give is to talk to someone asap,also think of her as your baby girl you made her she is your own flesh and blood,and you are her PARENT.cella

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A reader, anonymous, writes (25 February 2009):

Start dating! Get a woman who you are not related to

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A reader, anonymous, writes (22 February 2009):

Wow my father was exactly the same way but he was sort of the opposite of how you see it, he thought it was right to feel the way he did about me and ended up raping me, but I congratulate you on asking for help with this. I dont have an answer for you but all I can say is start talking to woman your age or just woman in general, go get yourself a stripper or hooker (im not trying to be mean) All i could ever tell my father was that i just wanted to be his daughter but he couldnt change his brain because he was messed up in the head. Go on dates or at least try to. Go out often to get your mind off of her sexually which is why i suggest a strip club because there are a lot of hot women in there so your mind will be off of your daughter. Or last result go to a therapist.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (19 February 2009):

Please don't beat yourself up over this - that's only going to drive you crazy. As Kinsey would argue, this is only a natural physical reaction -after all, you are an adult male and she is an ADULT female. What I do recommend is that you seek counseling before you do anything you will regret later. As someone who was in a similar situation, I can tell you it will definately help.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (12 February 2009):

Like has been said, thee is a spiritual aspect to this. You do need to take authority in Jesus name and rebuke in His Name this evil spirit. Now don't get me wrong -I am not a bbible thumping fundamentalist- I just knowq what I am saying has been proved correct millions of times. There is a site www.demonbuster.com that has a lo of deliverance prayers and audio - all free. Now I am a Catholic and there are some anti catholic prayrs on th site that i don't particulrly like ! But there is a lot of good stuff so please check it out. As a Catholic I believe 1/ we can pray for each other 2/ the saved in Heaven can pray for us3 / and please keep with me here, as the Mother of Jesus Mary i have found has a powerful intercessory role and i my real experience in the area of purity especially images in the memory. I share this though I fully understand folks being turned off by the mention of Mary..but please please just try this if you have problems with porn images in your memory.Ask Mary to in Jesus name take them away - I just say Mary please take these bad images away..and they go.Just try it.Forget about different theoloies etc etc please just do it and you will see...

I also had temptation similar to you and believe me this is spiritual.Yes you are lonely and that doesn't help..but the evil one knows our weakness and this is why we have to spiritually go on the offensive...The power of prayer is like no other power on earth..i have seen miracles and there is hop for you but you must also stop the porn viewing...and remeber that God loves you so much he doesn't want to leave you bereft and without hope. One lady once said (ST Theresea ) whatever you do wrong whatever sin you have comitted whatever you do do...DON'T STOP PRAYING

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A reader, anonymous, writes (20 May 2008):

use a dildo and forget about her

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (30 April 2008):

Find real porn stars to fantasize over. Maybe it will take your mind off your daughter and get things normal again. Try looking at professional porn videos and recognize porn stars. Perhaps the only reason you find yourself obsessing over your daughter is because you already know so much about her. Learn about other porn stars!

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A reader, anonymous, writes (17 April 2008):

Shouldn't you be more mad at her, than turned on!? Honey, she's out of bounds by one million miles and you know that. You need to find out what made her post these videos, because you're her father and are responsible for her. Don't you feel just a little bit ashamed that she's doing these things to herself and posting them for the world to see? You've got to forget about any sick fantasy you may have honey, because this isn't good. If you really can't get the video out of your mind, the professional help is the only other option really. Just keep yourself busy with other things and put it to the back of your mind. Good luck :]

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A reader, anonymous, writes (15 April 2008):

You're going to wait a while longer to see if it basicaly goes away? It wont. You said you you saw the video several months back! So if nothing has gotten better (in fact you said the feelings increased) then I highly doubt they will now. Havent you already been trying to forget about it ? Hence distracting yourself. And self discipline? Well although you havent done anything to her and you may not do anything to her, the fact that you are thinking that represents a serious issue. Realise that you have an issue and it needs to be faced head on now.

You said you dont feel you can judge your daughter for doing the video because you watch those types of movies. Doesnt it bother you that your own daughter didnt have enough self respect to stay away from such a video??

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A female reader, Wisdom Australia +, writes (15 April 2008):

Wisdom agony auntThese people need to back off!! You came here for some advice not to be judged, it seems to me you are a good father but at the same time you are a man, you have some issues that need to be looked into but good on you for realising them and taking steps to correct them. Its good that your not going to act on these feelings it would destroy your daughters life. Go and get yourself some help and soon this will all just be a bad dream.

Good luck

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A reader, anonymous, writes (15 April 2008):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

First of all, thank you all for your responses. Yes, if this continues I may seek professional help, but I'm going to try to use distraction and self-discipline for a while first.

I never would have watched that video if I had known it was her in the first place, but her head was off screen until the very last five seconds. Unfortunately, I was already very turned on by the video and I almost fell of my freakin' chair when I saw her face at the end.

No. I wasn't angry at all. I've been watching those home-made porn videos for months for about an hour or two every week if you lump all the times I've done it together, so who am I to judge what she did. Plus, she was dating a real creep a while back and I'm certain he was the one she made it for and also the one who posted it, which makes me pretty pissed at him.

I just wish I had never seen it. The whole thing makes me sad. But I will never talk to my daughter about it. I may hold these creepy and disgusting feelings for her--for the moment!!!--but I want a chance to get rid of them without her feeling creeped out and disgusted for the rest of her life by me.

Thanks for letting me get this off my chest, DearCupid.com. I feel less perverse and disgusting already. This is not something any decent individual should keep to himself.

Oh, btw, no more home-made porn for me!!! Next I'll see my ex-wife and really have a mental breakdown.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (14 April 2008):

Whoa, yeah. I'm not convinced this is so weird. You are describing an obsession. You believe you are obsessed with your daughter. Sexually, in fact. However, you recognize the wrong in this situation. Thus, we can assume you are not a sociopath. In fact, you aren't even enjoying this! So, wtf?

Sometimes, when something traumatic happens to a person, they can manifest the trauma in... inappropriate ways? Imagine the mother who tends her dead child's room for years. Imagine obsessing about a girl when she rejected you and stalking her around, keeping your wife's body in the closet sort of stuff. This is an example of manifesting the grief and trauma in an unhealthy way. Do you think it's more likely you became an incestuous pedophile overnight or that you suffered a traumatic experience and maybe you aren't handling this like you should? More likely the latter. You need to get a grip on what is going on. This is your 19 year old daughter and she is making a sex tape and the man (you) who brought her into the world just watched it! This should be traumatic!!! Furthermore, keep in mind there are more unhealthy or even harmful ways you could have manifested this. You could have flipped out and beaten her up which would have also been bad and an unhealthy manifestation. But, you didn't. You kept it to yourself and maybe its not going through the brain quite like it should.

My advice, you aren't sick. You need to find a healthy outlet for this grief/trauma/whatever is bottled up to get it out of your system or it will keep getting worse and eventually manifest itself at a really inappropriate time. Because it's a little socially unacceptable, I would suggest talking to someone with whom you have legal confidentiality, say a therapist, priest, doctor, or lawyer? You need to talk about this and it will get better. Just pick the right (confidential) audience for you own embarrassment's sake. And, hopefully, after you've dealt with your own issues, you can help your daughter decide how much the boys will respect her for masturbating online!

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A female reader, eyeswideopen United States +, writes (14 April 2008):

eyeswideopen agony auntI changed my mind, it doesn't matter whether this is true or not or whether you are just looking for titillating responses...you need professional therapy any which way.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (14 April 2008):

well, that is damn sick i tell u.

and atleast u no its wrong and completely DISGUSTING.

u shud not hav luked at the vid.

n i no u hav dun now so tough shit.

well.

get help. from a pro.

or talk to ur daughter.

i no that most fathers wud b angry if they found theyre daughters doin porn, but u intrigue me. ur different.

or go to a speed date or go on a dating webby to get a nice lady. and then watch her masterbate. therefore leaving ur feelings 4 ur daughter behind nd getting feelings for her that are ACCEPTABLE. =]

go get a woman. i beg you.

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A female reader, eyeswideopen United States +, writes (14 April 2008):

eyeswideopen agony auntIf this is true and you aren't just looking for titillating responses...Professional therapy is definitely called for.

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A female reader, happytochat Australia +, writes (14 April 2008):

Well I think its good that you realise how wrong this is. Thats a good sign. I honestly cant really understand why you are feeling attracted to her, so unfortunately I dont think I an offer any advice. But what I will say is that I think you should talk to a counsellor. Someone who is trained in this area will be able to understand why you are feeling like this and will help you stop it. I dont think this is something you can stop yourself when you dont even understand why you are feeling like this in the first place.

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A female reader, Laura1318 Malaysia +, writes (14 April 2008):

Laura1318 agony auntYou are only human and since you have seen that video ,

those scenes are burnt into your memory and it is not easy to delete them.

You cannot stop those scenes from manifesting or pop up whenever you see her or think of her.

You will need strong will power to tell your brain to switch

it off by manipulating the brain to say , she is your

daughter and your fatherly love will overcome those lustful thoughts.

Or you can say , in Jesus name , I command those thoughts to

to get lost and pray and praise God or keep saying

Hallelujah, till that devilish thought disappears from your mind.

This is what I do when negative thoughts bombard my brain.

You are under spiritual attack.

The other way is to see a therapist.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (14 April 2008):

You need to find out why she did these videos.

I'm sure you are angry about her showing herself on the internet to millions of people including yourself.

But yes, if you are thinking about your daughter lustfully, seek help. go talk to someone about it. This was a good first step.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (14 April 2008):

When you first saw that video, you should have clicked of it, you should NOT have watched it. But no, you watched it. Many fathers would have felt disgust, why is their own daughter putting porn videos of herself on net? you should have felt angry. I think you should get help, I don't care you haven't had sex in a while, you raised this girl since she's been a baby. I tell you, if my dad felt that way towards me I disown his pervy a__.

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