A
female
age
41-50,
*amiscountry
writes:I am 42 and have been through a lot. I have been rapped when I was younger and beat by my mom and almost every guy I have been with. I need help trying to figure out something. My boyfriend gets mad at me for not wanting to do a 3-some. I hate touching myself and I don't get any enjoyment out of it. I have explained everything I have been through and it seems like I am the bad person cause I am basically at the point of giving in. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 January 2017): Your boyfriend is an ASSHOLE.You need to love yourself MORE.Dump his sorry ass and take some time to nurture yourself and love yourself again. You have been lost for awhile and the little girl inside you is looking for love and attention but in the wrong place and with the wrong person. The woman you have become is still worthy. She is still amazing. She is still a SURVIVOR. You are the one who has to see this. You have made it through so much. You can do this. Do not look to a man for your happiness or self esteem. This man is just bringing you down. He is using you as his personal sex toy. No man that loves you would ask you to do something you are uncomfortable with and then have the nerve to get mad at you because you don't want to do it! And I will tell you a secret. No man who TRULY loves the woman he is with would ever want to involve her in a threesome. A man who loves a woman would be too possessive of her and too possessive of her body! And another thing. He is NOT your boyfriend. He has NOT earned that title. Not in the least!Please do not do this to yourself. You are worth more. You just don't see it. But you need to. This man is just adding to your problems. You are giving him too much power. It's time to take your power back. Honestly, it is much better to be with nobody than with a man who hurts you like this. This is not a healthy nor loving relationship. It is dysfunctional and he holds all the cards. Is this what you really want? This man cannot make you happy. He is not worth it.I do believe you need a little help. Have you ever talked to a counsellor in the past? You seem to have lots to sort out. And it is hard to do this on your own. I do think that counselling is a good start for you so that you can have a solid foundation to change your life. Make 2017 your best year. It just started and it's so full of promise. You deserve better sweetie! Please be strong. You have already come this far. :)Hugs.
A
female
reader, sistergoldenhair +, writes (6 January 2017):
Jamiscountry please know that you are worthy of love and love has nothing to do with coerhcion or threesomes.
Please consider contacting the Rape, Abuse and Incest National Network (www.rainn.org) for a referral or at least a conversation about how your past is still informing your decisions today (talk to someone anonymously 24x7 at 800.656.4673).
I am a multiple rape survivor who used to have blurred boundaries with men. I too was abused badly as a kid and then attracted many boyfriends who wanted to have me do things that I felt bad about later. Listen to all of the other people who have posted here. You are in a situation that will tear your self esteem apart. Please consider that being alone and working on yourself is a better thing than being with someone who does not respect you.
I am sorry you're going through this as I know it is incredibly painful and confusing. A healthy relationship does not include doing things that we don't want to do in order to please our partner.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 January 2017): Why do you have to reason out your not wanting to do a threesome? As though all women out there who weren't raped or abused would agree to involve in a threesome!
You have every right to kick him out of your life for even asking you to play out his porn fantasy.
And yeah, it's about time you stop fitting yourself into the victim role. Don't allow anyone who puts you in that victim position be part of your life. If 1 out of 10 people is a good person, no problem. Build relationship/friendship only with that one person. Maintain as much distance as possible from toxic people. Find a boyfriend who has similar thinking and values as you.
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A
male
reader, BrownWolf  +, writes (6 January 2017):
Your past is not there to make you weaker. It is there to make you stronger than you have ever been before.
Don't you see? You have been beaten down all your life. But now you have a chance to stand up and say "NO MORE!!!".
You do not find another guy who is going to repeat the same abuse, and make you feel that this is the best you can do.
I have been through a very rough life as well. Extreme physical abuse by my uncle for years growing up.
First thing you must do is...Accept it. Yes it happened. You can not go back and change one single thing.
Second...Let it all go. The past is the past. You cannot change that, but you can change how YOU choose to live the rest of your life. I hold no resentments, no anger, no sadness, nothing...why? If holding on to any of it would have made life easier, then I would have.
Third...Choose the right kind of people you want in your life. The kind of people that want to lift you up with them. Who will keep you out of trouble. Who will stand by you on your worst day.
Anyone who makes you feel bad about yourself, and who makes you feel like you are re-living your past life...they need to go.
I have about five friends that are close to me...why only five? Because I know they would put their life on the line for me, and I would do the same for them.
I would rather be alone and live in peace and be happy, than have people around me who make me feel like crap.
Love does not come from the people around you. It starts inside you, and spreads out to others. They in turn receive that love and offer their love back to you.
So if you are keeping this guy around because you don't want to feel alone, and you think this is love...then you will be stuck living in your past.
Get away from anything or anyone who makes you feel bad about yourself...and start living a new and clear future.
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (6 January 2017):
 You'll need a new pair of boots because you're going wear these ones out from kicking this ass*@#$ of a boyfriend out of your life.
That's what he deserves for forcing you for a threesome.
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A
male
reader, Garbo +, writes (6 January 2017):
 "My boyfriend gets mad at me for not wanting to do a 3-some"
You need another boyfriend. This one has ZERO respect for your needs and desires. He lacks empathy for your background and behaves like he is entitled to a 3some or whatever. I bet if you propose some sexual act with which he is uncomfortable he'd also get mad.
Which brings us to this important point: never do any sex that you are uncomfortable with. He is not entitled to a reason why you don't want to. Sex is an idiosyncratic thing that requires to justification. So when it comes to you being bullied on sex, one firm NO is sufficient and don't waste your time and emotional worry as to how he takes it. It's apparent he does not take it well anyway.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (6 January 2017):
 OP, you have EVERY right to say NO I don't WANT to do a 3-some. He can get mad all he wants you do NOT OWE him a 3-some. And maybe you need to reconsider this relationship as well.
Giving in and doing what HE wants IS not going to make him CARE more about you. It's just going to show him that he can USE you in any fashion he so wishes. And he isn't wanting this 3-some for YOUR benefit. ONLY for his.
For him to BE mad at you means he doesn't CARE what YOU want, HE doesn't care WHAT you went through - HE just wants you to DO what HE wants to do. THAT is not the signs of a GOOD partner.
And OP, have you gotten counseling for what happened in the past? IF not, I strongly urge that you get help with it. NOT for your BF's sake (screw him) but for you own. Maybe your past is the biggest reason you are now dating someone who has so little respect and care for YOU.
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