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female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes: I am in love with another man...I have been happily married for 8 years, although my sexual attraction to my husband was always weak (different story). About 16 months ago I became attracted to someone at work. The attraction grew stronger while my attraction to my husband grew weaker. Eight months ago I told my husband what was happening. Five months ago I told him that I no longer love him. A friend told me to switch jobs. Now I have been in my new job for three months and just yesterday I thought I saw my previous co-worker on the train and I felt that oh-so-familiar stab in my chest again. I am totally in love with this guy. I will go through marriage counseling with my husband, but I am pretty sure that I will end up leaving him. I think I can get over this other guy, but I don't think I can fall in love with my husband again. I find him gross now. I hate having sex with him. I am thinking about staying, but getting myself a lover... I am pretty sure that I have no chance with this other guy and I am very ready to give up on love, but I am not ready to give up sex as well... I also feel some obligation to try with my husband after nine years of marriage. What do I do?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 January 2007): Well, I can safely say that I am no longer considering cheating. The picture you painted in my mind seems awful! I will make a clean break - or, if the marriage counseling helps against all odds - I will stay with my hubby. I was never looking to fall in love with another, but I guess I just let it happen by letting my feelings take control.
To answer the other question: No, my hubby is not abusive, he is a good man - a real keeper. I told him that today and he was very grateful, because for the past six months I have not said anything to him to give him any false hopes.
We have discussed marriage counseling, and we will be going as soon as we find out the process and what is available to us locally.
You are so right in that I don't want to 'make a fresh start' with someone else. I don't feel like going through this whole ordeal again in another 8 years... If my heart changes its mind this often, I must be meant to stay single... smile
Thank you for the tip with the pictures. We will go through them tomorrow.
My best wishes to all of you that answered this question. You were all very helpful.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 January 2007): Well, I can safely say that I am no longer considering cheating. The picture you painted in my mind seems awful! I will make a clean break - or, if the marriage counseling helps against all odds - I will stay with my hubby. I was never looking to fall in love with another, but I guess I just let it happen by letting my feelings take control.
To answer the other question; No, my hubby is not abusive, he is a good man - a real keeper. I told him that today and he was very grateful, because for the past six months I have not said anything to him to give him any false hopes.
We have discussed marriage counseling, and we will be going as soon as we find out the process and what is available to us locally.
You are so right in that I don't want to 'make a fresh start' with someone else. I don't feel like going through this whole ordeal again in another 8 years... If my heart changes its mind this often, I must be meant to stay single... smile
Thank you for the tip with the pictures. We will go through them tomorrow.
My best wishes to all of you that answered this question. You were all very helpful.
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A
male
reader, eddie  +, writes (14 January 2007):
 Take the advice of the female anonymous post. As she says, she's been there and did the wrong thing. Seduction of the mind is a quick fall from grace. It's a slippery slope and you've got one foot over the edge. At his point you're only in the mental part, once you cross the line of laying down with another man, you will be the one responsible for burning that image into the mind of your husband. Nobody deserves that. This is the point that I can't get past. How can people HURT somebody they once loved in this way? It's soooo disrrespectful. Remember, and I'm going to be blunt, when you're in bed with some other guy inside you, grunting and groaning, the man you married is at home, waiting for his wife to arrive. He's looking at his watch, wondering where she is........
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 January 2007): hello there! my eyes caught a glimpse of your question and it is very familiar to me. I myself have posted the same problem here but i did the next level, i have cheated. Anyway, i have lost my sense of giving good advice but i just want you to know that you made a good decision on coming on this site. It helped me and i believe it will help you too.
I just want to tell you that 8 years you've been with your hubby. He knows you very well. He knows your good side as well as bad. He probably knows what you like to eat during breakfast, what's your favorite perfume,and that you hated him when he's being a slob...maybe what i'm trying to say is, HE ACCEPTED YOU FOR WHO YOU ARE AND WHAT YOU ARE.And you both know each other's likes and dislikes. You don't wanna start back to zero with this new guy.You don't know what he's like. He's real attitude and so on. And just remember the times the you were still dating, how much you were inlove with him. But if this isnt the case then you must weigh things by yourself..alone.
Just consider his feelings too.Are you being fair to him? Are you being selfish? Are you only thinking of sex? Sit down and think of those questions. The most important question too is if he's abusive? Does he lay his hands on you? I don't really know what exactly is your case but for me if it's only your fantasy that's making you think this way then don't let that fantasy stream you down to the pit. That's a big no no.
Right now, things are new, this thing goin on with you is still hot..let it cool down..then decide when you're sane.Just be strong and remember your vows the day you got married, the day you said "i do." What helps me is i looked at my wedding pictures. How happy i was when i wore that white dress. Get your albums and look at the pictures when you had your vacation.All those happy moments together. Try to remember the feelings you had once before. Don't let temptation ruin your marriage. And don't forget your values.
Don't take this to the next level. YOU CAN'T TURN BACK TIME AND ONE MISTAKE WILL HUNT YOU FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE!!
btw, if you're not inlove with him anymore. Tell him and make things right. Maybe divorce is an answer if you dont have kids.( but i really dont believe in divorce..wink! wink! )
good luck and i wish you happiness in life.
~ƒ~
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 January 2007): Tank you both for your answers. I truly deserved the harsh critique and in fact, it made me smile. I want you to know that I would never say to my husband that I find him gross, although I did tell him that I am not attracted to him anymore. You are right in that he deserves someone better than me. I do not put myself on high horses any more. I have hardened to become someone I don't even like and some days I just want to hit a brick wall.
The truth about the sex part is that it is complicated. I had a few encounters as a child narrowly escaping being raped and with my first boyfriend sex ALWAYS hurt. I used to cry myself to sleep afterwards and he never noticed. This has haunted me ever since. When I met my husband to be I told him about my problems with pain and he said that I just wasn't ready, not wet enough and thus it hurts. He said that he would take care of my problem... he would wait. Well, he hurt me too the first time we had sex and something about it died right then and there. We tried so many things since, but my passion for him was luke warm at best.
Don't get me wrong, I felt truly in love with him and I wanted to have sex with him although it was hard. Sex did become better for me, but because my attraction to him has died completely, I feel that I am disgusted, probably more with myself than with him.
Love on the other hand I am ready to give up on because I have so many relationships behind me that were so bad. The guys were never serious with me and I always ended up being hurt. I had one or two guys that seemed serious enough, but we were just too different and love died very quickly. I must just have a very impatient heart.
To defend myself a little though, I must let you know that I did not have an affair with this other guy. In fact, I fought hard to make him NOT notice me and for myself to move on. However, I do appreciate your honest and sincere thoughts and you have far more opened my eyes than any of my friends could have done. I will leave him and try to do it while keeping some (a very small amount) of self respect.
BTW, no kids are involved, thank god.
Thank you.
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A
male
reader, DocSilverback  +, writes (14 January 2007):
 Why the hell are you still with your husband??? Please tell me this. Poor fella. You know, you are so wrapped up in yourself, that you cannot see what you are doing to other people's emotions. Your husband NEEDS and rightfully deserves to be LOVED sincerely, just as much as you feel that you do! Who the hell are you to determine this man's future? Geeze. You think he's gross?? Then what are we to think about you? You are the one who married this gross person. This question is not based on saving your marriage, it's based on your feelings toward the affair that you had. Maybe, for once, put YOUR emotions aside and do what is best for everyone envolved, MOVE THE HECK ON!
You did not mention children, I hope that children are not involved in this horrific web. You say that you THINK about staying, BUT GETTING A LOVER, why don't you get a DOG instead. Not even a dog deserves this treatment. Why don't you get a flea collar, cause as they say, if you lay with with dogs you will get fleas. Go on with your life because you have already labeled your husband as detestable. How very SAD! Good luck with your affair, I am sure in the fact that he is above a flea collar.
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A
male
reader, eddie +, writes (14 January 2007):
It sounds like you have NO RESPECT for your husband. Do him a favour and leave him in peace, not pieces. I really hope you didn't tell him you find him gross and you are repulsed by having sex with him. That would really hurt and be of no use.
Your words, ......I have been happily married for 8 years, although my sexual attraction to my husband was always weak(different story)...... WOW, you really slid through that statement with hardly a grimace. What did you two do to fix the problem? It seems you place sex at the top of the pile. Is there more information missing? If not, this sounds like your problem and you're making it your husbands problem too.
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