A
female
 
age
36-40,
*nn marrie
writes:Help!!! I've gotten myself in a bad situation. I've been talking to my big brothers friend for three years behind my brothers back. It wasent supposed to last this long we just planned on having a one night stand but things didn't happen that way we both fell for each other after spending time together and going out we got emotionally attached.so after two years my brother found out and he stoped talking to him so that's when we stoped talking also just because we felt it had got outa hand and we both felt terribly bad.but know after bumping into him at a party we started messing around again idk what to to because we both have feelings for each other but we don't want to put my brother. Thru this if we where to be oficially out in the open girlfriend and boyfriend please I would appreciate any advise thanks:)
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male
reader, idoneitagain  +, writes (29 March 2011):
You have this idea that because the guy you like is a friend of your brother, you can't go out with him. Have you stopped to think about why? That is, why do you feel bad about it, and why do you have this idea that it is a bad thing? What will happen if you go out with him?If you go out with this guy, your brother's world won't stop turning, he won't get cancer, he won't go blind, or suffer any other kind of catastrophe. It is true that if you have a relationship with this guy, it will affect the relationship between him and your brother, but it DOESN'T have to stop your brother and him from being friends. Yes, it can make things more complicated, no, that's not the end of the world, and welcome to the world of adult relationships. In adult relationships, lots of things become possible that you might have grown up thinking weren't possible. This is one of those cases. It is a common and natural response if your brother learns that you two are together (if you decide to be together) to become angry, from jealousy or some sense of rejection or betrayal. However, neither of you are actually betraying or rejecting him. Your relationship with this guy does not prevent you from having a close relationship with your brother, and doesn't prevent your brother's friend from having a close relationship with your brother either. So any sense of rejection or betrayal is unwarranted. If he is jealous, he will have to learn to overcome his jealousy, you shouldn't have to lose your own relationship to appease your brother's anger or jealousy. However, your brother may experience it this way, and it can be helpful to let him work through any feelings of anger that he needs to. It also doesn't mean you have to feel guilty or defensive. You can understand and accept what he is feeling without having to react to it, and hope that in time he will come round. I am not saying you shouldn't care about what your brother thinks or feels, but his negative feelings might not have any basis in reality, and should not have such a dominating effect over your life. It is important for you to be able to speak to your brother about this stuff, they might not be easy conversations and they might not always go well, but it is worth trying to communicate about. Try asking your brother what will happen if the two of you start going out. Does he even know why he is upset? Get him to think about it. It would be userful for you to think about these questions too, and examine your own feelings about it. Good luck.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 March 2011): Why is your brother so offended by this? Isn't it a good thing that the two most important people in his life have come together? Maybe it was jealousy, that you "took away" his friend. I would just talk to him and ask why its such a big deal to him if it makes you both happy. He also might be more hurt that it was behind his back instead of just being honest.
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