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After having an affair with a married man for 18 years he has finally left his wife, but now he is seeing another younger woman!

Tagged as: Breaking up, Cheating, Three is a crowd, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (26 November 2009) 11 Answers - (Newest, 4 December 2009)
A female Canada age 41-50, anonymous writes:

i have been having an affair with a married man for 18 years. he and his wife of 28 years have just filed for a divorce. i didn't encouage him in fact i told him to rethink and try an make up with his spouse. he sais that its too late and that its done. apparently his wife was the one who first went to the lawyers. he didn't want a divorce from what i gather. well during the last few months he has been acting weird and i am always supportive knowing that he is under alot of stress but i started to get suspcious. and asked him if he was seeing someone and he said yes. his x-wife to be is 48 years old he is 47 years old, i am 42 years old and the girl the he is currently involved with is 30 years old. he said to me that we could still continue a relationship but that we would have to be careful. i feel like i am another dish of fries on the side. yet again i am behind someone else second best to another woman. he has already introduced his two boys and his parents to this woman. i am so hurt at times i wish he was dead but i still love him. please someone help me

View related questions: affair, divorce, married man

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A female reader, missy_719 United States +, writes (4 December 2009):

Your story made me think so much! I have been seeing a married man for Over a year now. Sadly i am so in love with him. even though sometimes he treats me like crap i put up with it. i am so attached to him that i cant imagine him ever not being in my life. he has been with his wife for 3years and they have a kid together. they recently just got married this summer. a couple of weeks ago we had a conversation about if i ever became pregnant. he made it clear to me he would not want the baby. if i decided to keep the baby he said he would hate me and the child! Well he said that if i ever became pregnant he still would never leave his wife. and if she decided to leave him that he still wouldn't be with me! This is when i realized that no matter what happens i cant ever have him the way i would like. which is to myself. and i have made a decision to stop talking to him. simply because i have not dated anyone since i have been talking to him. and i do not want to be a side thing any longer. i have been missing out on a lot. To him i mean nothing, even after a year i strongly believe he has no feelings for me. i am so stupid in love with him, But i think its time for me to let go.

Your story makes me realize that a little more because after 18yrs seeing him, now that he and his wife are divorced he wants nothing more with you.

i do not want my story to be like that. I do not want to waste anymore of my time with him . i am only 21, and i have wasted enough time already being on the side. I want someone only for myself.

i am hoping that i can forget him and be able to move on. i hoping that you do the same. i hope you find someone only for yourself and someone who is gonna make you there priority. its gonna be hard i know but be strong!

so sorry for the long story.

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A female reader, ramkema Canada +, writes (29 November 2009):

Well i know that this may sound stalkerish but i followed him home from work the other night. he ended up driving to the new girls home. i have a feeling that he is staying there. yesterday i spoke to him briefly and explained that i knew all along that he was seeing someone else and why didn't he just be honest with me from the start.

I told him that i even knew where she lived and never told him till that very moment. he was a bit shocked at me knowing where she lived and when he asked me how i found out, i lied and told him you can find everything off the internet. i told him that he just has to learn to trust me. in a way i sort of felt good about it because now i can use it as black mail one day but i doubt that i will. also i recorded a bit of the conversation onto my cell phone, just in case.

he said that nothing better happen or he is going to hunt me down. i know that nothing will because i will not do anything to ruin it but i felt good knowing that i now had the upper hand and something against him. it felt good to see him be scared because everything i would text and call him i was always scared thinking that this may be the last time we talk or text each other. he said that he will not text me if i don't use the queens english (meaning the long form of each work) i use alot of short forms since i don't have a qwerty keypad like he does on his blackberry and its harder for me to text each letter of the work.

is it right for me to feel good about having something against him or is this just wrong.?

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A female reader, Carrot2000 United States +, writes (27 November 2009):

Carrot2000 agony auntYou may still love him, but the truth is that he has never loved you. You were his mistress, nothing more, and as such can be easily replaced. The sad thing is that you will probably continue to sleep with this man, continue to be second- or third-best. You've already lost 18 years of your life--time that could have been spent finding your own-- true love. You're 42; time put on your big-girl panties and realize that you've been made a fool of and you need to move on.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (26 November 2009):

Oh lawd! He treats you like dirt and you still "love" him? I understand you are very hurt and upset, but get over it, lady! Stand tall, gather up your pride and don't give it another minute's regret.

This is why aunts and uncles often come down hard on women (and men) carrying on with someone other than their spouse. They very often won't leave their current wife/husband, and if they do, it can happen that he/she won't leave for "you." Unfortunately, you learned this the hard way.

Now go on and make a new life for yourself.

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A female reader, Accountable United Kingdom +, writes (26 November 2009):

Accountable agony auntHe cheated on his wife with you, why wouldnt he cheat on you? Honestly, what did you expect? All you can do now is rid yourself of him and try to find yourself an honest man - that will involve you developing into an honest woman, mind.. Work on building up your self-respect, become somebody you can be proud of with or without a man validating your self-esteem. Learn to live without him, because he isnt worth wasting any more of your precious time on.

Good luck.

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A female reader, Aunty BimBim Australia + , writes (26 November 2009):

Aunty BimBim agony auntwow, you have so many negative responses, not many people seem to think you have been hard done by .....

and neither do I

sorry you wasted 18 years of your life with a low down cheatin' scum, but you were willing to be his bit on the side for 18 years, without giving a thought to his marriage or his children, also without giving a thought to how choosing this relationship of 18 years of sneaking around behind the wife' back being complicit in his lies, meant that you chose not to have a loving, fulfilling relationship of your own, where you were number one.

You have already demostrated over the past 18 years you are quite happy to play second fiddle, why would he think to change the status quo now?

You made your bed and now you are finding it non too comfortable. Ah well, thats the way the sheet crumple.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (26 November 2009):

I suggest you have a talk with this new woman of his. Tell her who you are, for how long its been going on, and that he still said to you you two could continue the relationship behind her back. Then everytime he gets a new girlfriend you tell her the same story. Save her from being cheated on by an ass. Thats revenge and he deserves nothing less. You of course, move on and find someone better, which shouldnt be too hard as he's some of the lowest you could get. Respect yourself more, dont settle as a side dish that you've been for 18 years already.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (26 November 2009):

NOW do you see a pattern? 18 years is a LONG time to be blind to the fact that you were sleeping with someone who had relationship issues and seems to have a thing for sleeping with women in their 30's.... he'll likely be cheating on her in 8 to 10 years, so long as he has enough money to get some 30 year old skank to find his nearly 60 year old body "attractive"....

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A male reader, DoubleM United States +, writes (26 November 2009):

DoubleM agony auntA leopard never changes it's spots.

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A female reader, hijacked_dignity United States +, writes (26 November 2009):

hijacked_dignity agony auntWell when situations are based off of lies and cheating, it usually never ends well for the woman on the side. Which is you. Sorry to break it to you, but you should have known that living a lie such as being a mistress would only end with the man you are cheating with breaking your heart. I mean he lied to his wife for that long, who is to say you are any different?

You are just the 'other woman'. He doesn't have any loyalty to you really and he doesn't have any obligation. So why wouldn't he go after someone younger? It makes sense. I don't understand why women feel that men who have affairs are worth any time. I mean you are no different than any other woman he has been with, and seeing as he cheated his previous partners badly, of course he is going to treat you badly. And he is probably going to treat this thirty year old badly as well.

If someone is willing to lie and cheat to be with you, they are probably going to do the same to be with someone else who isn't you. It's just who they are and what they choose to be. Consider it karma for having an affair with a married man and move on. There really isn't anything you can do at this point, and if you don't want to continue to get played, find someone else. Preferably not another married man, unless you haven't learned your eighteen year lesson.

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A male reader, CaringGuy United Kingdom + , writes (26 November 2009):

I'm afraid he's played you, as all married men play a mistress. He was never going to leave her for you, and I'm sorry that you've wasted a lot of time over him. Now move on. You need to focus on yourself and your own life, and find someone who will love you and not use you. Never believe a married man will leave his wife.

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