A
female
age
41-50,
*mptyHeart
writes:Ok, so I have been dating this guy for over a year now. I was widowed about 2 years ago and had 3 children with my husband. Financially, it has been very hard and my new BF knows that. Every time we go out on dates, I have to ask my family to help babysit because I just don't have the money to pay for a real one. My friend told me the other day that he should offer to help pay for my babysitter, knowing my financial situation. So, I hinted to him the other day that I was broke and I had to get a real babysitter because I was starting to feel bad about asking my family so much. And he said nothing. I didn't feel like he should have to pay for MY kids? But my friend thinks differently. What are your thoughts on this? Should I ask him up front? Does it look bad if I ask? Should I not even ask him? After a year, is it appropriate to ask? Or is it rude?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (26 July 2010): Of course you can ask. It's a lot fairer to the other person to be forthright than expecting them to pick up on a vague hint.
Be careful to ask the right question. You don't actually want to ask him to pay half of the babysitting -- that is not your actual problem and you are doing your date the disservice of not solving your problem together. You problem is actually that want to date this man, need your children looked after, and need his help to find an answer because you've come to the end of what you can do by yourself.
Him paying half might be one answer. But you don't know what else is possible if you approach him with your answer rather than with the problem the two of you have. Even if you end up at the same place, he'll feel better about the result for being included in the decision-making rather being told to "pay or stop seeing me".
Be forthright. Encourage him to be forthright in return. Be honest about your feelings without being overly demonstrative of them. Aim to negotiate a answer which works for you both. Don't approach him with a answer, sulk when he says "no", and then try to emotionally manipulate him to your view -- that approach is death to relationships. This is the first problem you've addressed together and it will set a pattern, so be nice and do it right.
My gf was in a similar situation (she couldn't pay for babysitting at all). We did "dates" at her house after the kids were in bed, but behaving as if we were at a restaurant. I'd come around with a menu for somewhere we both liked and I'd "take madam's order", and go off and collect it, she'd have linen and candles on the table, we'd dance afterwards, and we'd have some heavy snogging on the patio as I "dropped her off home". That might work for you, or it might suck.
My point simply is that there's a lot of answers, you should raise your problem with your date and discuss it in a fair and forthright way. When you do find an answer that works, you'll have both displayed your relationship-building skills and that's more interesting information than you get from a typical date.
A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (26 July 2010):
 "Once you are engaged or married, that's different but not before then. I don't think you should be mentioning money at all actually."
Yes.
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A
female
reader, Emaz help  +, writes (25 July 2010):
 NO. They are you children not his, he has no responsibiliy for them. If he offered then that's different but with your hinting i don't think he's going to offer any time soon which kind of shows that maybe just maybe hes not ready for a full term 'forever' sort of relationship. I've been with my boyfriend for a year and he has never asked for me to pay for anything for his son and i wouldn't unless i wanted to because i shouldn't have to however much i love his son. Your friend may have been helping but you should do what YOU think is right. Asking this man for money for your children may scare him into thinking that he will always have to pay for your children once he's paid for a babysitter. It's fine once you've been together for a lot longer and are living together but at the moment he should have no financial role......but thats just my opinion :)
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 July 2010): Who's paying for your dates? When you go out, does he take care of the tab every time? It seems to me that he IS paying his share, if so.
Try looking for low-cost baby-sitters, such as a younger teen girl who would want less pay than someone older and more established as a sitter.
You could take your kids along on your dates, too. When I was five, my mom dated a man. My grandma did not approve of my mom dating after her divorce (three years later, may I add), so she refused to watch me. My mom did not want to pay for a babysitter, so I went along on every date, including to see movies and to fancy restaurants. That man proposed to my mom one day, and now he's my stepdad.
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