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After 4 years my boyfriend doesn't seem to care anymore

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Question - (13 December 2008) 7 Answers - (Newest, 5 April 2010)
A female United States age 26-29, anonymous writes:

Hello! My boyfriend and I have been together for four years. I love him so incredibly much and I know he loves me also; however, he has admitted to me that he loses interest in me(both sexually and I guess relationship wise), he nevers wants to be with me alone still and we're often still with his friends, I've caught him lying in the recent past (this is when we lived in different locations), and he still doesn't confide me. When we are apart he's said he doesn't have time to miss me. I usually plan anything romantic and always have. When I try and talk to him about different things that I feel, he often gets aggravated or just doesn't talk which makes me mad and ask him just to talk to me but he still won't talk. We will sit for an hour with me bawling before I finally get a generic response. We still have small spats but when I have problems with his actions or just inconsiderate things he says, it takes at least 2 hours of arguing to get him to just see it from my side. There was a time where I passed out at a festival from the heat and he didn't even notice, someone else had to help me and then he refused to leave the crowd before I finally walked away myself. I do so much for him and I truly love him but he's told me that he's scared to admit that "this is it" for him. I want someone who knows that they love me after four years, can't wait to see me or share their day/life with me, can see a future with me, etc. What if he freaks out about not having "seen what else is out there". I'm scared to let him go because I know it'll be the same as last time and he'll go find some girl to fill certain desires. I'm just so emotionally drained and have just lost myself trying to prove to him that what he has is a good thing. PLEASE HELP!

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A female reader, grandmas grandaugther United States +, writes (5 April 2010):

make a long story short i have been with my boyfirend for 3 yrs and we live together. i'm a fulltime student he is a fulltime worker.

THE WAY WE WERE;

would enjoyed being together and laughing and being kissing and huging. he took care of me when i had food poisening. he has always been there when i needed him and my grandma died he was there. he was very sweet and loving wow i just miss it.

my life now'

he comes home at midnight and i'm in the bedroom he sleeps in the living room. he wanted to sleep in there i dont know why? when he s home he does not kiss me or even want to be close to me or pay attenion to me. since i'm in school alot i just pretend all is well. it bugs me playing .

this game i go in the other room and he sleeps in the living room. i have tried giving him space then he come back nope not a chance. then i have tried to be very sweet that love it not there. i have tried talking to him all he does is say i'm talking lound does not hear what i'm saying. i am just sitting there telling him somthing so can slove our problems. he gets mad then calls me names.

he does not talk with me or give me any attenion.

hes so important becasue after my grandma died he is al i have left. i feel so lonely and negleted and hurt.

all i want is for things to get better i want him to out the time like i do i put all my time. it takes 2 work. i just wanna be happy with him i truly love him alot and i wanna make it work and be happy like in the past.

hes very rude to me comes me names calls me fat ass since i gained weight.

i would leave him but i have no where to go. but i really love him and if i would leave hes a part of me. hes inside heart really deep i dont wanna be with out him. all i do feel alone and wait maybe one day he will nice. i hate this i do

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A reader, anonymous, writes (30 September 2009):

Oh gosh, i know i am 1 year behind and i really am unsure whether you will even read this, but reading this sounded like something i wrote. What you described was my boyfriend exactly. Even to the same extent of admitting he is freaked out because this is it for him. And the whole commitment thing he wants in his 30's, and not to move in together beforehand. We shared a beautiful life and one day he just started turning away, stopped seeming to care, i too have always been the one organising special events etc (he generally forgets anniversaries) and it feels the further we go into this the further he tries to get out, although he says he is still madly in love with me and wants to be with me. He asked for space and i gave it to him, now i see him on weekends if i am lucky. This going from a relationship of seeing each other 5 out of 7 days in a week on average.

I just wanted to see what happened with you, one year after. Are you still with the same guy or did you "remove the toenail". I am in your shoes, way too scared to even think about not being with him because i love him so much and it just hurts.

Please tell me what you decided to do and whether it was the right choice because i believe it will be the same for me.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (9 January 2009):

Hello... sometimes you feel as if you are the only one who has gone through this or the hurt will never end. I am stuggling myself with a relationship that has commitment issues, I don't want to let go, I have invested so much time, energy and love, but as you very well know ... living on hope is hopeless and just prolongs the pain. I like the above analogy about 'ripping off a toenail', it is so true. It's so painful to acknowlege that you are just 'not enough' for someone, when you want to be there 'everything'. I relize I need to to stop being 'everything' to the man I am involved with, because that is leaving me empty and lonely.

Even though it is going to be painful, I would rather be alone and sad then to be with someone who says they 'love me' and leave me feeling alone, forgotten, unappreciated and hurt.

I hope you have gotten past him and moved on... I am going to do the best I can with the same for myself.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (17 December 2008):

Thank you so much for the replies; when I read them I cried because I know it's true. It's so scary and painfully sad to think about letting him go because I really love him and I always have. He is a great guy to other people and I think eventually he will be a great catch. (This is also another reason why I'm unsure if I should just ride this out because he's told me he doesn't want anyone else but me but he doesn't know why he does/says/thinks some of the stuff he does/says/thinks.) Four years into this, I'm head over heels in love and LOVE surprising him, helping him in any way possible, doing nothing with him, etc... and then I stop and wonder how he can't feel the same way (and I know it beyond a shadow of a doubt). Another thing is that he has already told me he doesn't want to get married until he's in his upper 20s-30 yrs old (which means we'll have been together for 10-13 years)... I can't imagine being together for that long and then still doing guesswork... or even waiting that long to wait until he's sure.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (15 December 2008):

Thank you so much for the replies; when I read them I cried because I know it's true. It's so scary and painfully sad to think about letting him go because I really love him and I always have. He is a great guy to other people and I think eventually he will be a great catch. (This is also another reason why I'm unsure if I should just ride this out because he's told me he doesn't want anyone else but me but he doesn't know why he does/says/thinks some of the stuff he does/says/thinks.) Four years into this, I'm head over heels in love and LOVE surprising him, helping him in any way possible, doing nothing with him, etc... and then I stop and wonder how he can't feel the same way (and I know it beyond a shadow of a doubt). Another thing is that he has already told me he doesn't want to get married until he's in his upper 20s-30 yrs old (which means we'll have been together for 10-13 years)... I can't imagine being together for that long and then still doing guesswork... or even waiting that long to wait until he's sure.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (15 December 2008):

I've been in the same situation and trust me, you need to let him go. It's easy to think you must not be good enough or lovable enough - but the issue is with HIM. he sounds like he has commitment issues and intimacy problems. And he is probably not ready to acknowledge them, little loan work through them. A bad relationship is like a broken off toenail remaining attached only by a flap of skin. You're scared to rip it off as you know it'll hurt like hell and leave raw exposed toe skin. But in the end it has to come off and the longer you leave it flapping there the longer it'll be before you can grow a new toenail back. Just let go - it will hurt because of the attachment - but just remember that there are many men out there that would appreciate your loving gestures and return them - would never take you for granted and would always appreciate you. If he uses other women as sexual objects he may only know how to relate to women as sexual objects - or at least not on an equal basis. Why waste your time and energy on someone so uncaring and unfeeling when there are so many men out there that it could be used on who would appreciate it and know how to love you back and treat you with respect and make you feel special and doted on? it what we ALL deserve and need. Trying to let him go after 5 years will feel like ending a drug addiction in a way - but going through some pain and loneliness for a little while will save you loads more pain in the end!

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A female reader, idontknow09 United States +, writes (14 December 2008):

MOVE ON!!! i no u love him but wen u find someone else who actually likes to talk to u and treats u better u will think back and laugh @ urself..TRUST ME...i understand that u think there is nobody better 4 u, i use to be n the exact same situation as u and i cant help but to think what a dumbass i was, MOVE ON!!!

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