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After 30 years of marriage, she has decided fellatio is revolting! Advice?

Tagged as: Big Questions, Marriage problems, Sex<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (15 November 2006) 26 Answers - (Newest, 28 December 2013)
A male , anonymous writes:

My wife and I have been happily married for more than 30 years. During that time, we've enjoyed a pretty active sex life. Oral sex, particularly mutual oral sex, had always been a part of that. I've only ejaculated in her mouth once, many years ago. I adored it, but she didn't seem that keen, and as I've always felt I wouldn't like to swallow my own or anyone else's semen, I thought, why should she? Fellatio without swallowing was fine by me.

A couple of years ago, however, my wife decided - out of the blue - that oral sex was off the menu! Her reasoning then was that the seepage of transparent fluid that comes out of my penis before ejaculating contains hormones that contribute to the growth of hairs on her chin.

I felt pretty miserable not to have the prospect of her mouth around my penis anymore in my life, but I waited patiently, hoping she would reconsider.

She didn’t, so one day, in desperation, I asked her why she wasn’t sucking my penis anymore. This was in early 2005. It wasn’t easy to ask, as we don’t as a rule talk much about the details of sex, preferring to let things happen ‘naturally’. Her answer started off as the previously mentioned ‘hairs on chin’ reasoning, but then turned into something else.

Basically, it transpired that she found the practice ‘disgusting’ and ‘unnatural’; that it left a ‘nasty’ taste in her mouth; that I was ‘perverse’ and ‘obsessed’ to be wanting oral sex; etc, etc.

Bringing the subject up seemed to open something of a Pandora’s box. Over the succeeding eighteen months we’ve been through highs and lows, with periods of oral sex, and periods when she’s been unwilling. One problem has been that when we do agree a compromise and don’t stick to it (such as oral sex every other Wednesday, and then after a few weeks a Wednesday comes and oral sex doesn’t transpire and I ask why and an argument ensues …) we seem to be continually back to square one.

Of more concern recently has been her unwillingness to even be at the receiving end of oral sex: ie, cunnilingus. I like nothing more than to kiss and lick in and around her clitoris and vagina, which she has always given every impression of enjoying; but now she is calling that unnatural too, and intimating I am some sort of weirdo for even wanting it.

I have never had or seriously wanted to have sex with anyone else since I married and I am completely uninterested in any form of what I would call oddball sex but I really don't want to spend the rest of my life without the enormous pleasure that I get from oral sex; and I'm finding myself resenting being considered a pervert for wanting it.

My wife's likes straightforward missionary position sex, which, if it doesn’t result in orgasm, doesn’t matter, since the times when it does are so pleasant for her they far outweigh the others. She finds any orgasm she gets from my fingers or mouth to be far less enjoyable, and therefore not worth having, because having them deprives her of a potentially greater pleasure. She suggests that since I enjoy both ‘normal’ and oral sex but she only enjoys ‘normal’ it’s appropriate for me to give oral up.

She also feels that it’s unfair for me to get the pleasure of penetration twice (vagina and mouth) whereas she only gets it once (my tongue in her vagina doesn’t count as she doesn’t want it to be there and she claims it’s unpleasurable). In addition, she suggests that I indulge in cunnilingus for my rather than her pleasure. When I claim this is not the case and my pleasure mostly comes from her pleasure at receiving she says this can’t be true since she doesn’t want me to do it in the first place! I suggest that her body knows differently but she doesn’t agree!

I’m at my wits end. I appreciate that in the light of other peoples’ more serious problems this might seem lightweight but for reasons that I don't fully understand it does matter to me a great deal. I believe a deeply satisfactory sex life is the absolute bedrock of a contented marriage and I’ve seen too many marriages fail because of this.

I feel in need of an objective viewpoint. Is it unreasonable of me to expect my wife to do to me (fellatio) and accept from me (cunnilingus) what until a couple of years ago she always had done, even if she doesn’t find them altogether to her taste any more? Or is it, as she claims, incumbent on me to give these practices up, even though I love them, because she is no longer interested?

The pattern of the first twenty five of our married life was that cunnilingus happened at least twice as often as fellatio; and although the occasions when she gave me oral sex may have been partly 'pay back', there were plenty of times when she was on the receiving end and giving every appearance of enjoying it and never reciprocated and presumably never felt obliged to. I, for my part, thoroughly enjoy cunnilingus, regardless.

It's true, my wife is menapausal, with hot flushes, various degrees of arousability, desire, etc; but I have to say she remains pretty open most of the time to my advances, although less likely to initiate herself, and I have no grounds for complaint, given the inherant difficulty of her hormonal circumstances, about our sex life in general. It's simply the oral aspect that is the problem.

My wife is a lapsed Catholic and I do find myself wondering how much of her recent inclination to view oral sex as humiliating and degrading has to do with her upbringing. Recently, she saw a TV drama involving Catholic priests apparently getting young children in their charge to suck them off, which affected her deeply. I try to point out that I'm not a priest, she isn't a child, and it was only a film; but it's as if the desire to want that sort of satisfaction is at fault, no matter the circumstances.

She also read a novel set in Afganistan involving adult males being fellated by younger, often helpless kinfolk, which again struck her as the strong forcing the hand of the weak in unnatural ways. I once made the mistake of mentioning a snippet of information I had gleaned from a novel I had read by a South African about how many African females had two or three of their front teeth knocked out so that they could give more agreable oral sex to their men. Anyway, this has provided her with more ammunition for her theory that men have forced women over the centuries to follow an essentially unnatural practice for their own gratification; which she no longer wants any part of.

I suppose this may be true! I am physically stronger than she is and I am trying to persuade her to do something she says she doesn't want to do. I don’t, of course, use force, or threats, but I do plead, occasionally.

Possibly the most upsetting part of this entire scenario has been the ‘discussions’ we’ve had about what happens or has happened during our near half lifetime of sex. The level of bitterness and anger that lies hidden in both of us has astounded me. I’m not at all sure how useful it’s been to allow these issues to be brought up! Two of the most strongly worded have been my conviction that my wife has seldom if ever done anything primarily with my pleasure in mind, such as prolonged manual or oral stimulation, which seems to me a reasonable thing to expect; and her conviction that I am so obsessed with my own pleasure during intercourse that I am preventing her from having an orgasm by delaying my own climax, when I had always thought I was doing this for her benefit.

It would be good to hear someone say with some authority that my wife’s supposition concerning her chin hairs (which I have difficulty seeing even under a magnifying glass) was wrong. It would be better still to hear some candid views on the other reasons she gives for avoiding this practice. When my wife says she finds oral sex unnatural and, for her, degrading and humiliating, I simply don't know how to reply. I find it the complete opposite: loving, intimate, delightful, supportive.

(Re-reading what I've written it sounds like open warfare in our household, which is actually a million miles from the case. In many ways, since our children have grown up, I feel like I've fallen in love with my wife all over again; and I find her thoroughly delightful and attractive in all respects. It seems ludicrous to me that such a small detail as her aversion to oral sex should bother me so much, but I can't deny that it does.)

View related questions: clitoris, ejaculate, my penis, oral sex, orgasm, period, semen, sex life, swallow, vagina

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A male reader, Gauntlet France + , writes (28 December 2013):

Gauntlet agony auntThis story is a classic.

The nice bride becomes a cold wife.

First: women are designed to trap their male for reproduction and getting "the one who is able to bring them material security" (and more if possible). As long as there is a "price" to win or a "treasure" to lose, sex is seen a the best means to deal with you. Yet, it's obvious that from 50yo, the price is definitively won and no effort is needed any longer. End of lingerie, short hairs and voice more manly.

Second: your wife's body is changing with age. Her oestrogen level is lowering as do your testosteron level. She is becoming more male while men tend to become more female. Be prepared to live the classic "coup d'etat" that women wait all their life to commit against their husband.

That said, you can try to change that by taking some measures that would make your wife feel back some sort of insecurity. Try it, and you will even notice her voice will become more sexy than two weeks before. That's pure biology experience.

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A male reader, Gauntlet France + , writes (28 December 2013):

Gauntlet agony auntThis story is a classic. The nice bride becomes a cold wife. First: women are designed to trap their male for reproduction and getting "the one who is able to bring them material security" (and more if possible). As long as there is a "price" to win or a "treasure" to lose, sex is seen a the best means to deal with you. Yet, it's obvious that from 50yo, the price is definitively won and no effort is needed any longer. End of lingerie, short hairs and voice more manly.

Second: your wife's body is changing with age. Her oestrogen level is lowering as do your testosteron level. She is becoming more male while men tend to become more female. Be prepared to live the classic "coup d'etat" that women wait all their life to commit against their husband.

That said, you can try to change that by taking some measures that would make your wife feel back some sort of insecurity. Try it, and you will even notice her voice will become more sexy than two weeks before. That's pure biology experience.

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A female reader, debimay United States +, writes (6 March 2010):

to the guy who was whining that after 30 yrs of marriage no more oral from wife. Ive been married 30 yrs also and as all women I thought it was my "duty" to do all that my husband wanted in the sack, after growing up and older i realized too that i see it now as disgusting also or maybe just dont get aroused by it any longer, Im older and need more stimuli emotionally( and not in the bed) and would be satisfied with that,all our lives (the woman) took care of everyones emotional needs AND physically needs and put self on back burner plus alot of women have had sexual molesting of some kind as a child that come back to haunt us as older women.To to man whining, isnt it enough that she gave you those years of oral? which most it she sacreficed i promise you. My husband probably doesnt like it either but doesnt give anything emotionally either,he doesnt open doors doesnt look into my eyes doesnt come home with flowers but gets me any thing i want cuz handing out money is easier than working up the thoughts of romance and i accept it but i dont whine about it. people change we get old and nature prepares us for it get use to it and accept it and dont keep making life harder for her, let her retire you will one day from your job and yes most the time for women it was a job without a paycheck and heres a thougth for those whiners who want to ejactulate in her mouth and cant understand why she dont want it... how about men giveing her oral on her period? or sucking her nose out ewwww disgusting huh? well thats where most women come from we are women that want to feel clean and body fluids from your body doesnt seem clean sorry ,were not a whore on the street without a brain who will do anything or anyone and doesnt need or want love cuz were not on drugs that takes away our self awareness or worth ,your wife gave all those years physically and emotionally to your needs now learn how to give emotionally to hers and grow up and grow old gracefully.

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A male reader, FrotDiggity United States +, writes (12 June 2008):

I'm a 36-year-old homosexual male from the U.S., and just found this interesting question by accident during a Google search. I have two pieces of advice for the original poster:

(1) If you find that you aren't making progress with your current sex therapist, try looking for an openly gay male therapist who takes heterosexual clients. Here's why: the vast, vast majority of gay men feel the same way about fellatio as you do about cunnilingus. Namely, we take enormous pleasure in performing fellatio on another man; it is never a "chore," let alone something disgusting or degrading. In fact, many homos (myself included) think that sucking a penis can be more fun than getting one's own sucked. And although many straight people assume that it must be effeminizing for a man to give another bloke a blowjob, the truth is that many homosexual men subjectively feel a rush of "I'm a rugged, masculine, superstud!" both from receiving AND giving fellatio.

All this is just my roundabout way of saying that a gay male therapist might be the ideal person to persuade your wife that bratwurst-smoking can be a beautiful, fun, and wholesome way to say "I love you, darling." Or rather, "Shly lummmbf ooo, [gulp!] marming."

(2) If you ever decide to seek fellatio outside your marriage, be smart and get it from another man. I'm not recommending that you run out to the nearest gay pub; I'm saying that if you look around on the Internet, you'll easily find that there are discreet, bisexual married men who prefer to find other married men, and some of them will be quite happy to fellate you without any reciprocation or romantic wooing or expectations of buying them dinner first. In short, there's likely to be much less hassle than if you went with the mistress or rent-girl options.

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A male reader, Greyfox United States +, writes (7 June 2008):

The problem is deeper than a change of sexual preferences. I,also was married thirty years, and went thru a truly amazing variability in our sex life. It ranged from adventurous and deeply satisfying to no sex for months. I discovered that my ex was profoundly influenced by her controlling and man-hating mother. This appears to be a form of not-too-subtle rejection of you. It has been my experience that menopause does not cause a cessation of sexual desire. Some women do seem to use it as an excuse for various forms of bad behaviour. Conversely, we men tend to be blind to womens problems, which causes a great deal of resentment and can lead to all out warfare. Counseling would probably be a good thing, as you cannot correct a problem until you know what the problem is. I hope this helps, and good luck yo you both.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (27 May 2008):

You should be angry. Your wife is a prude, pure and simple. If I were you, I'd climb the nearest mountain and find a cave to live in, and never see that woman again. Send her a letter stating: Honey, you blew it (no pun intended).

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (19 May 2008):

you have two choices my friend. your wife is either having an affair, or desperate for you to take control

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (24 March 2008):

Do you love this woman? Then you do whatever she wants!

Your wee (or big)desires are second to her happiness - if you really love her!

She has pleasured you for 30+ years? For God's sake give her a break!

Listen to her needs at her age and (might I say) grow up!

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (24 March 2008):

Do you love this woman? Then you do whatever she wants!

Your wee (or big)desires are second to her happiness - if you really love her!

She has pleasured you for 30+ years? For God's sake give her a break!

Listen to her needs at her age and (might I say) grow up!

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A reader, anonymous, writes (26 February 2008):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Thank you for your response. Our communication on this issue isn't as good as it could be, which is why we're going to see a sex therapist. I have no idea what to expect from this. One or other (or maybe both) of us might be pleasently surprised.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (26 February 2008):

First, a couple should have boundaries and usually they are established rather quickly. Also in a marriage relationship, the boundaries will slowly expand as trust and security improve. Eventually the boundaries will settle out and with 30 years of marriage you most likely had a set of acceptable behaviors (a menu if you will) of what was off limits. Once the boundaries are agreed upon it is very hard to move backwards in a relationship, especially with something that seems so important to you. I think (just my opinion) that having a woman performing oral sex on you not only feels good, but more importantly is a measure of her Love for you and the status of your relationship. In my own life the desire or need for this behavior is very great. Maybe acceptance by my mate is just as important as the good feelings that result. In any case, we as men are driven for the most part to be very sexual and the need and desire is truly a powerful force in our lives. As many people have noted in their answers, Women underestimate this God given powerful drive in men. When your partner is withdrawing from this behavior, you have to communicate to find the root cause. Rarely is the problem all one sided. However, in the end if communication fails, you will have to make a choice. Which is more important to you, oral sex, or your wife of 30 years? Think about it. Life is too short to be miserable, and the price to re-boot, especially after 30 years would have a high price.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (25 February 2008):

I sympathise. We're going to see a therapist in a couple of weeks. I hope the outcome will either be my wife changes her mind about oral sex, or else I do, because the current stale mate is souring our relationship somewhat.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (24 February 2008):

I'm experiencing the exact same thing from my wife of 26 years. I think it's passive agrevisve - she demands that I scratch her back, hug her and kiss her ... tell her that I love her, open the car door, clean the house, but she can't perform oral sex on me because it's sin. Before we were married, she perfomed it on me all the time. But it happened less and less as the years went by. Not only does she say it's sin, but that i'm a pervert and abnormal for wanting it.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (17 October 2007):

Hello,

I read these columns and sometimes feel as if I live in a very strange marriage indeed. My husband refuses to have oral sex with me although I offered many times during our marriage! I am fit and stay in excellent shape. He does want to have intercourse but only when he initiates it. I honestly believe he has limited attraction to me. Any opinions on this?

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (12 October 2007):

Her attitude and change in behavior is an example of a woman that doesn't care about her man. She is doing this to hurt you. The concept that normal sexual behavior for the best part of 30 years turns on a dime to become perverse is nothing more than an excuse for passive agressive behavior.

My wife loves me and I love her. The CONCEPT that I would deny her oral pleasure if she asks is never in my mind. She has the same attitude with me. It is always more important to WANT to give to your partner. As soon as your spouse looks on sex as a chore or task that is like taking out the garbage or cleaning the toilets, the marriage is in serious trouble. Even worse is a case where a woman uses sex to get her way. From her comments, it is obvious that this woman doesn't care about you at all.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (3 October 2007):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Thanks for that answer. I think you've hit the nail on the head. Oral sex - giving or receiving - is as important for me as straightforward cuddling is for her. If I was to withdraw that, it would be like denying a plant water. The only difference is, I like cuddles too.

You recommend counselling; but for who?

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (2 October 2007):

There are plenty of men who are "cheated" out of the pleasure that oral stimulation brings us. So important is this concept, many husbands seek the pleasure elsewhere, get divorced or live miserably. In many cases, the woman performs the act until she "get" the man, then shortly there after, they stop, leaving the man confused and feeling "duped". Get some counseling, my friend. This is an important matter in that, if you were to hold back on affection from your wife (saying "I love you" and giving the reassuring stuff she "needs" from day to day) she would find great displeasure in it. Most of the men I know, find this equally fulfilling (fellatio), so it does matter. As I stated, get the counseling, give her a chance and then make your decision.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (7 December 2006):

This is a good question and I think many males can identify with this. To the female that said leave her alone it must be your fault. I see no evidense that this is the case. He is a giving man who loves his wife. How dare he be concerned about sexual pleasure in marraige. This is exactly why many men do stray. It is part of my vows to please my spouse in ways she wishes and the same hold true for her. She is not doing her part to give pleasure to her husband and too many wives underestimate the importance of this.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (25 November 2006):

"It seems ludicrous to me that such a small detail as her aversion to oral sex should bother me so much..."

It's not ludicrous and I empathize with your pain. I hope it works out for you.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (16 November 2006):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Wow, thanks for the answers everyone!

Biology student: that's very helpful to know.

Tile grout man: Concerning the positive bank account in the relationship, there's certainly an element of that, and it merits some thought and action on my part. That's overdue, anyway. But I would guess my 'credit' is far greater now than earlier in our married life, so I'n not convinced this is what lies at the heart of things.

Therapy man: Well, yes, therapy is a possibility. Not for my wife, but for us, as a couple. It's a big step, though.

Memories man: Thanks!

Astonished lady: That's an interesting insight on the heightened taste, smell factor. But does it explain why cunnilingus has become abhorrant to her? (Well, maybe it does, if she smells herself on my face afterwards ...)

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (16 November 2006):

i could not posibly agree more with the anonymous guy who posted at the bottom of the pg

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (16 November 2006):

Make the most of your memories.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (16 November 2006):

You're looking for someone to tell you you're right. You want someone to back you up -- to make you feel justified. It astonishes me that after 30 years of marriage you could possibly believe that the opinions of anyone on this blog as to whether it's "reasonable" for your wife to give head could have any relevance whatsoever in your relationship.

The problem in your sex life is that, over decades of non-communication, you guys have muddled along and each of you have built up some serious resentment. You haven't told each other what you like and don't like, and you're both spending far too much time thinking about what YOU need and what YOU want, instead of what YOU can do. That's not what love is. Love is giving. All this American bs about love being equal and love being 50-50 and love being mutual compromises ... it's crap. That's not love. That's the long-term average state of affairs that generally tends to result from two people who are both acting lovingly. But "50-50" is nowhere in the requirement for love. And you're just being daft if you try to cling to it.

I get it that you like getting head and that you miss it. Who could blame you? That said, if I was your wife, your attitude would definitely piss me off. Since when did this become a right? You say you know she's hormonal and having a hard time. But then you try to lock her into a schedule of giving you head every other Wednesday? What happens when the "on" week happens to come on a day that's been filled with hot-flashes?

If you want to fix this problem, you've got to start with yourself. You can't change her. After 30 yrs of marriage, you have to know that. But you can change you. And believe me -- this isn't just instrumental -- it's not just a way of getting what you want. It's a way of being a better husband. Which I truly believe you want to do.

Why don't you try just loving her and trusting that she will love you? Why don't you try being intimate with her in ways other than sex? You say she only likes the missionary position and that as a "lapsed Catholic" (whatever that means) she has some religious hang-ups about sex positions? It may not be vatican approved, but I can tell you there are plenty of Catholics that know their way around the kama sutra.

Stop pressuring her and trying to convince her/ manipulate her/ etc. Be loving. Tell her that you're really sorry for the way you've been acting about it. (b/c honestly - it sounds like you've been a jerk about it. it's understandable, b/c oral sex is good, but still. an apology can work wonders.) Tell her that you really love the way it feels and try to explain to her why -- try to help her see why "just plain sex" feels like something's missing. Tell her how much you love her and that you feel like your sex life is an active part of how you express your love for her -- that it's not something dirty or gross -- it's a beautiful thing that makes you feel so close to her and so intimate bc it's something you two share with no one else. And then back that up with actions -- put some romance back into your sex life.

If she thinks it's revolting, it's not her fault. You'd be shocked to know what hormones can do to heighten a woman's senses -- she may be tasting/smelling things differently than she used to, which really could be making it a truly unpleasant experience. My guess is, if you lay off a bit, though, she'll probably be happy to do it occassionally still. But for chrissake, stop thinking about nothing but yourself.

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A male reader, eddie Canada +, writes (15 November 2006):

eddie agony auntWow, this is the longest question I've ever seen. It's so long I almost can't believe it's true but it also seems to be blunt and honest.

It sounds like your wife is going through some type of mini crisis. I would suggest you get some help from somebody who offers therapy in this area. It's hard to imagine that after so many years she decided to cut you off. I guess I wouldn't like it either as it's not as though you have any other choices for your sexual pleasure. If she told you she wasnt cooking, you could cook. No washing the clothes, you could do it for yourself. When they cut off sex, it's actually an assault on the vows of marriage.

Talk with her, although it seems like you already have, and get some help as a couple before it gets out of hand.

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A female reader, mitta United Kingdom +, writes (15 November 2006):

Im not sure how to help your love life but i can tell you that Swallowing semen in now way attribute to facial hair in women. Im a biology undergraduate and I can tell you for sure that the amount of testosterone in semen is negligable and would only be slightly potent if administered via the blood stream which Im sure you dont inject your penis into your wifes arm or anything like that! Her facial hair is probably due to her menopause. When women go through the menopause their oestorgen levels drop and their testosterone levels become more prominent and this can cause hair growth.

Hope this helps!

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (15 November 2006):

Actually your question makes a nice break from the 14 yo's having serious realtionships with a guy who is 25.

First, I think you are going down a rabbit hole with this Catholic thing. You are married and I dont believe that doctrine prohibits oral sex as long as you are open to the possibility of children.

I think the key paragraph is the one starting "She also feels that it’s unfair for me to get the pleasure of penetration twice....". Somehow it seems that you two have gotten into a subtext of resentment. She is keeping a tally of how gets off for how many times and for how long. This could be a symptom of a larger problem in your relationship- does she feel taken advantage of or that things are out of balance somehow? For instance, if you add up all the hours you two spend on household chores in a month, would it be roughly equal or way lopsided?

I guess the big thing is that she seems to be pushing back in the one area in her control, whether thats because of internal or external factors. Perhapse she has been asking for a patio for years, and you say 'yes' but nothing seems to be getting done.

My advice is for a month do stuff for her without an expectation of any quid pro quo but just because you are trying to help out. Try stripping and resealing the kitchen tile grout- thats one of those things that nags at women and can be a big relief to have done.

Anyway make an effort, in general, to be a guy who gives into the relationship without making withdrawals and see what slowly happens. I think she is unconsciously saying you dont have much of a positive bank account in your relationship.

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