A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hello to everyone! I am writing here because I wanted to hear your thoughts on this personal issue.I am a person who loves and adores kids. I always wanted to have children - to be a mom. I couldn't wait till I would be a mother to my children and experience all the joys a child could bring. That has changed now however. I still love kids and being around them, but no longer do I want to have my own. My views started to change when we found out that my mother had to have a major operation because of health reasons. During this time it was discovered that I also needed some medical attention. I saw how my mother was affected by this; she worried about me, and I hated being the cause of her concern. She said that she would take it all on her if that would mean I could get better. Going through this, I realized how much a mother suffers when her child is ill, in danger, etc. I get so worried when one of my siblings is sick, imagine how I would feel if it was my own child. That's why I reasoned that while I love children and wanted them badly at one point in my life, I could not bring a child into a world where there are diseases and dangers everywhere. It's as if I love my unborn children so much that I don't want them to go through those things, and also so that I won't have to experience heartbreak if I see them going through pain. I feel that I would be guilty if my child got sick (or had any other bad thing happen to them) because I got them into this world, that I will be to blame.So those are my reasons for not wanting to have kids anymore. I did think about maybe adopting children. Since *I* wasn't the person who brought them into this world, I could give them a second chance of having a better life. But I think, I wanted a child that I carried, to go through the the whole mom-to-be experience, so if I can't have that, why have any kids?Are these legitimate concerns, or am I crazy? I never heard women use my reasoning for not having kids.
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female
reader, EbonyBlossom  +, writes (18 April 2010):
 For a start, you should talk to your doctor about the risks you'd be taking by getting pregnant, and if your children would be liabole to need medical attention.
If you had kids and they got ill, it would NOT be your fault. Because that would mean the mother of every sick child would be in the wrong. Think of it this way - should your children become ill, think how lucky they'd be to have a Mum like you who would care so much.
However so many kids needs adopting who have come out of violent or tragic homes. Even if you don't feel you deserve one of kids yourself, remember how much they might need you.
You're worried about having kids now, but should you fall in love with someone you may really want kids as it's something you and him could share. However right now you're at the most 21, so don't worry about it just yet =]
A
female
reader, Tigerlily +, writes (18 April 2010):
Well honey, any time you love something you become vulnerable. If you love a dog, you grieve when it does. If you love a car, you cringe when it's scratched. If you love a man, you will be heartbroken if he leaves. And when you love a child, you will worry.
But you are forgetting the fulfilling part of loving something and focusing only on the negative. If your mother had this attitude you wouldn't be here... having all the good things in life you've enjoyed. How do you feel when you look at it that way? Basically the solution you propose is to save yourself hurt and worry you will just never love. Instead though you will live with loneliness and the regret of unfulfilled dreams.
I think you are young and you have time and you don't need to make these decisions right now. Someday... perhaps love will be worth the risks.
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A
male
reader, bruce lee  +, writes (18 April 2010):
 You are very smart but you need to ask yourself the obvious question. What good will come out of having kids?
Only you can answer that for yourself. If you can come up with some good answers, you should go for it and have them. If you can't come up with any good answers, then do NOT have them. That's all the advice I can give you.
It has to be your decision though. Do not let your parents or relatives influence you one way or the other. I hope this answers your question.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (18 April 2010):
 You just sound a bit insecure and immature,as you are entitled to be at your age :) I think at the moment you are just not ready to have children, and that may change in future.
It's true that being a parent is a risky business that makes you vulnerable to loss, illness, heartbreak. So ? LIFE is a risky business that makes you vulnerable to all of that - whether you have children or not. By your reasoning, you shouldn't even get married, because your husband might die suddently and leave you heartbroken- or adopt a pet, or ever get attachede to anything or anybody.
The fact is that life is all about changes- and unluckily changes at times are caused by negative, even tragic events. But ,luckily, that's the other side of the coin- the good stuff. Bringing someone into this world may mean exposing hin or her to sickness, misfortunes, suffering ... but also to wonderful,irreplaceable experiences- like that of being loved by his parents . Of living in a happy family. Of growing and learning new stuff every day. Of making friends, making art, making music, or just playing and laughing.
When my son was 9 I risked losing him to a very serious illness. He could not walk anymore for over 6 months, and he was wasting away under my eyes, and doctors were not very encouraging about his chances of recovery - of survival actually. Obviously, that period has been to me living hell, sheer torture.
I've been lucky, and thanks God my son overcame his illness, and now he's a healthy strong handsome young man. But, believe me - even if I had had to lose him, as it seemed very probable at a certain point- I would NEVER have regretted having him with me for nine years, and having had the chance to see him, touch him, hold him in my arms. I know a few women who have lost children and they all feel the same- it was worth having them anyway.
Being a mother involves a lot of possible heartbreak , and anxiety, and dangers, yes- but also a lot of joy, a lot of love, a lot of wonderful, unforgettable times.
Don't force yourself to decide now ,to take an irrevocable decision, kids or no kids. You'll find out that in a few years, when you'll also feel more secure about other aspects of your life ( your career, your relationship, your vocation, what do you really want out of life, what do you really value most etc. ) you might very well have changed your mind and being ready for the adventure of being a mother.
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A
female
reader, Isa123 +, writes (18 April 2010):
 There will always be dangers. There will always be bad times. But there will also always be good times.
Whether it's the good times or bad, you will still be a mother who loves her children. It is a whole new experience.
So do not be afraid, because the good outweighs the bad in having children.
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A
female
reader, rambini +, writes (18 April 2010):
 your fears are definately irrational, but im sure they are very real to you. if every woman worried like that, the human race would die out!
without ever feeling sadness or pain, we would never know what happiness and joy were?
life is a series of ups and downs, and although at some point it is inevitable your children will experience pain and suffering, these are very valuble life lessons to them, which help them to develop into a well-rounded adult.
some things are out of our control, unconditional love is all you can guarantee your children, the rest is decided by fate/god, whatever you believe.
also, the happiness children bring you outweigh the worry or sadness a thousand times over. as a child i went through the same sadness, hurt etc that most children go through, and im still very grateful to my mum that im here!
your role as a parent is not to prevent sadness or pain being inflicted on your children, your role is simply to teach them how to deal with that sadness or pain, so that when it happens again they can deal with it appropriately.
guide your children, dont smother them in a protective blanket and you will make a wonderful mum.
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A
female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (18 April 2010):
 I have to disagree with your views. That is life and we have to go through all those gamut of emotions .
Having children will make a woman lead a more fulfilled and contented life.
Life is not complete if you are a woman and you do not want to have children.
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