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Advise needed about my husband's therapist!

Tagged as: Health, Troubled relationships, Trust issues<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (24 May 2017) 7 Answers - (Newest, 24 May 2017)
A female age 36-40, anonymous writes:

Hi all,

I'm really confused and would appreciate your help. My husband's therapist wants me to LIE to my husband and I'm not comfortable with it.

My husband has been in therapy for almost 10 years. The last shrink changed our lives 8 months ago when he diagnosed him with ADHD and started him on meds, the same ones students take when they study. So we are grateful to him and appreciate his efforts. However, it was obvious from the start that he's overbooked and doesn't have the time for real cognitive therapy. He never writes anything down and his sessions can last as little as 20 minutes since he receives too many patients per day.

In the last 4 months he's been seeing my hubby once a month which is nowhere near enough, mostly to give him a prescription. If he was running late and my husband couldn't wait, he would just write him a prescription without the session or he would give it to me during a lunch break if he couldn't give an appointment to y husband.

Anyway, my husband had to have an MRI and tonight I went to see the therapist to pick up the prescription. I was his last patient and waited for over an hour. Before he wrote the prescription, I asked him what my hubby wanted me to ask - if he could book some more sessions in advance, preferably once a week. He was under a lot of pressure these past couple of months and has had a lot of stress at work that he wasn't handling very well. He was falling back to some previous unhealthy patterns, which include, but are not limited to, immature behaviors, leaning too much on others, inability to express emotions and deal with frustrations... The therapist was surprised and claimed that the few times he did talk to my hubby, my hubby claimed that everything was fine.

Now that my head have cooled down, let me stop right here, isn't his job to find out if his patients are doing well rather than take their word for it? I reminded him that he himself has told me a couple of times that my hubby is reserved and finds it hard to talk about problems. That's why my husband would like to have sessions more often.

Then the therapist said that he was not going to give him the prescription and that I should LIE that the therapy might not be working and that he should come see him asap. I said that there's no need to lie that my hubby wants to come. He started convincing me that I mustn't tell him the truth that the therapy is working, but to stay firm and claim that it's no longer the case.

I was really uncomfortable with this. Lying, manipulating... and for what? For something that my hubby wanted to do in the first place. But I did notexpress my disagreement for the second time.

When I picked up my husband at the hospital where he had his MRI, I tried to convey what the shrink had said without sounding catastrophic. I did mention that his therapist wanted to make sure that his therapy was still working, since it may no longer be the case which did worry my husband. He was totally confused and immediately called the shrink. He got an appointment in almost a MONTH!

Now that's when I really got angry. What is this? ASAP means a month to this guy! If he wants him off the meds he should tell it to him during the session and not use me. Fortunately, my husband is using the meds sparingly in an effort to try to develop techniques of dealing with ADHD without the chemicals. But it's not enough to cover the whole month.

I feel horrible for lying to my husband and have no idea what to do. I don't want to undermine his trust in his therapist, but this is too weird. I don't want to go further behind his back and call the therapist and ask what is going on. The only thing I thought of is to advise my hubby to insist on an earlier appointment.

I would very much appreciate your advice. I cannot discuss this with anyone since my hubby is not yet comortable with the idea of letting our friends and family know.

View related questions: at work, immature

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A female reader, Ciar Canada + , writes (24 May 2017):

Ciar agony auntI don't fault the therapist for not being able to intuit that all was not well with your husband. There is no brain scan, x-ray or blood test to tell him something is amiss.

It is offside for the therapist to counsel you to lie on his behalf.

Clearly this therapist has more clients than he can handle so rather than waiting for him to give you the boot, why not take the initiative by finding another one yourself?

Your GP might be able to refer you but there are plenty out there, easy to find and you can interview them yourselves.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (24 May 2017):

Healthcare is beginning to suck these days. I don't know where you are; but if you're an American, God help us!

No credible or responsible professional and licensed-therapist would compromise his license by lying to a patient. You weren't the one lying, he was. He was using you to pass-on the message; which denies him any culpability. He could always deny he ever told you such.

Get a new therapist. Make sure the therapist/psychologist or psychiatrist; specializes in the treatment of your husband's particular mental-disorders. I find it odd that a therapist wouldn't take notes. How does he recall what was discussed between all his patients? How can he assess the patient's progress or digression? If he's so overwhelmed, how can he depend on memory alone? I do want to remind you that it may take some pretty thorough research to find a competent and reliable therapist. Most are pretty-well booked and have a heavy patient-load; but they also should have the credibility and professionalism to make a referral, if unable to help their patients.

My suggestion is to have a psychologist who works in tandem with a psychiatrist. That way, he has someone he can actually talk to and evaluate his progress; while having a psychiatrist (who is an MD) to prescribe the effective medications to treat whatever particular condition requires special attention. Your regular general-practitioner also should be involved; for well-rounded treatment, and to prevent his dependence on therapy.

Your husband is wasting time and money if he walks into a session and tells his therapist everything is okay. You can't fault the therapist for that. He shouldn't be relaying his symptoms to his doctor or therapist through you. The time to talk, is when he is sitting there. If he felt rushed; then he has to use his own discernment, and decide whether he is being treated properly and professionally. He's not a child. He has to be personally proactive; and participate in his course of therapy. He's been in treatment for quite some time. Just showing-up doesn't make his treatment effective, no matter who he sees. Doctors and therapists are more effective; when the patient is open and receptive to treatment. It goes both-ways.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (24 May 2017):

Thank you so much for your replies!

I'll talk to my husband and we'll try to find someone who's more available.

Meds help him to stay focused but no longer useful patterns he had developed to deal with his his original problem and life in general have to be addressed in another way.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (24 May 2017):

Honeypie agony auntI agree, FIND another therapist.

Asking you to lie? What? Taking a patient of meds that he has barely seen? What?

First, contact your Family doctor and get a list of therapists.

There IS such a thing as "adult ADHD" so the therapist might be on to something, however, it sounds rather willy-nilly with how he treats (the therapist) the whole idea of both medication and therapy.

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A male reader, Garbo United States +, writes (24 May 2017):

Garbo agony auntI would definitively change the therapist. Irrespective of his reason, the therapist obviously does not have enough time to know his patient and attend to his needs. This isn't just about writing a prescription although many psychiatrists reduce their job just to that.

Anyway, drop him and find another one who is less booked. Ask for recommendations from friends or support groups. I'm sure you can find one on Facebook or locally. Then decide who is better.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (24 May 2017):

I would not trust this therapist. Time to look for a new one. Maybe this time you can find a real one not just a pill pusher. It took him 8 years to tell him he has ahad? He probably does not even have it at all. The goal of therapy is to be able to end the therapy and it seems this guy is just stringing him along.You must have insurance that pays out well. A therapist would never ever tell you to lie as it is unethical.Have hubby get a new one and report this guy to your states medical board before he seriously hurts someone.

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A male reader, Billy Bathgate United States +, writes (24 May 2017):

You need to have a serious talk with your husband about finding a new therapist. In fact you need to insist on it. This person is not treating your husband he is doping him. A therapist who ask a patient's wife to lie for him does not have your husband's interest at heart. Imagine what it would do to your marriage if your husband found out you lied to him about something this important.

You might also want to have a talk with your state agency that oversees therapist. His practice seems to be run unprofessionally. This behavior is unethical and if he is doing it to your husband he is doing it to others.

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