A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Hi all! I have a problem, I am quite needy and I find that this affects my relationships as I can become quite controlling. Let me explain…I have just spent a chunk of time with my partner. he wants some space now to spend time with his friends. I hate this about myself but when he arranges to see his friends at the weekend I get a feeling of fear; it’s like I want him all to myself and I hate myself for it. We do spend time together most weekends and I know it is perfectly healthy for each person to have time out sometimes but emotionally I struggle with it. This weekend he wants to see his best friend Saturday night, I am going out with a friend Friday night and we will hook up on Sunday. A lot of my friends are pretty busy at the weekends so if he is busy doing stuff I feel abit lost and can end up spending time alone, which I hate. Don’t get me wrong, I know I am being unreasonable and I want to change. I have lost boyfriends before due to my being controlling. I really love this guy and I want things to work out this time. I have had years of therapy before and it helped but i have worked so hard on myself; I know what I need to do but I still have these feelings of jealousy when he wants to do stuff without me. Please don’t suggest that I join him and spend time with him and his friends, he likes to spend time just with them at times.Help
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 August 2011): You need to just sit there on saturday night, alone, and just embrace all the feelings of fear and anxiety, and let it pass through you, and learn to tolerate those feelings and experience them coming and then going. It will take time and practice, but the point is that rather than trying to cut off those feelings at the start, why not instead learn to have them but be OK with having them.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 August 2011): Thanks guys, I'll try!! - OP.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 August 2011): Hi, i'm the OP. Thanks for your answer Bettyboup. I am trying to find a photography course in the area one with a darkroom as I am a very creative person. Failing that I am going to get back in to my drawing/painting.
We are moving in togther soon so I will need to keep busy!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 August 2011): I dont think its so much controlling its more being at a loose end when he's not around.
Hard when most are busy with their own stuff at weekends to fill your time - but that's all you can do- fill your time with something you enjoy, start a new pastime - a sport maybe, or something where you socialise afterwards,take the first step.
Shift the focus to you and away from him..before you know it you will be the one who isn't free and will enjoy your together time with an added dimension to your life
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A
female
reader, sammy1986 +, writes (16 August 2011):
well why dont you try spend a bit more time with your friends yourself while he is with his friends relationships usually last longer when you both do things separetely as it gives you things to talk about when you do see each other
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A
female
reader, BettyBoup +, writes (16 August 2011):
 Aw I'm sorry you are struggling with this. I am a bit like you. I like to spend a lot of time with my closest loved one, at the moment by boyfriend, and he likes his own space. So I can understand where you are coming from.
I would suggest spending more time with your friends, but if they are busy that makes it difficult.
So, what I will suggest is to find something else to fill up your time. Like a hobby or activity. It would be best if it is something that gets you out of the house and gets you meeting new people. This may not seem like something you want to do and it may be scary, but trust me, it will help. You need to fill up your life with activity, then you won't be upset when your boyfriend is busy doing other things. If you can have fun other ways, then it won't seem so bad when he is doing the same.
You need to shift your thinking. It will be hard, but it will help your relationship big time, as well as your general happiness. Do things that make you happy, for you. It will take time to change, but it will be worth it. Take every oppertunity to get out there and socialise. Even if you don't enjoy it at first, keep doing it and you will find something or some people you can have fun with. Then you won't have as much time to miss him.
Hope this helps.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 August 2011): I know exactly where you're coming from, I have the same feelings when my boyfriend wants to go out without me.
I don't say anything to him though, as he should have time to spend with his friends! Its healthly to have time apart and do things without eachother. But it doesn't stop you worrying or feeling like you don't REALLY want him to go...
I find the best way for me to cope with it is to keep myself busy whilst he's out. Be it going out with my own friends or popping over to see my sister for a catch up...anything really to take my mind off of it and make the time pass faster.
He never makes a fuss when I want to go out without him so I don't have the right to make him feel like he can't go out with his own friends.
If you mention that you don't want him to go etc then that will make him feel guilty about going, which isn't fair. So my advice is to bite your tongue and don't say a word. Make plans yourself on the nights he's out without you.
Good luck :)
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