A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes: have recently separated from My wife and I did not want this she did. Due to a number of issues. Which are 1.A family member causing a Rift and I was not there for her properly during the 1st pregnancy 2. Me making silly mistakes 3. Not being there or supporting her when I should have and standing up for her. 4. And I thought things would fix themselves so I buried my head in the sand. 5.And because I am Bit of an idiot I tend to need a kick up the arse every now and then. Were both to blame in a sense but I believe there is still love there. She has made her mind up and at the moment she says she needs to find herself again have a bit of fun but she does not yet want to move on she just wants to get on with things. We have two children who I adore but do struggle with them sometimes. I can see them when I like but I don't ideally want to be friends with her I love my kids and her way to much for that and I will always want more. But I will try and listen to her and do what she wants for the time being. As she currently cant deal with what the family member caused and I did not help matters by not doing something to bring closure. So She brokeup with me. This is something I never wanted to happen and I only have myself to blame. I tell her I still want her and love her but it all falls on deaf ears. and token gestures. Because I took her for granted and thought she would always be there. I have even wrote letters explaining how I felt and apologising. I love them all but did not always show it. I would do anything to be with my girls and my wife as a family again. She is just realy angry with me. I don't want to keep pushing her into a corner by trying to convince her to give me one last chance because that will only push her away.I want to for her her mom has said give it 12 months but its hard cause she is the only one I have ever felt comfortable with. I have some hope but at the moment it fades everyday I know it may happen eventualy but I cant stand the though of someone else being in my wifes life and daughters life when I know I can be the person she wants without changing who I am just by making a few tweaks here or there. I don't want anyone else to experience the new me other than my family who I owe so much to. What can I do. She has not said yet that she wants to legally Separate or Divorce but the way i am thinking at the moment is all negative thoughts. I know I don't deserve it but I would like the opportunity not make up for past mistakes, because I can not make up for time missed but I could make us have a happier future together if she ever did want to try again.
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female
reader, jls022 +, writes (21 October 2015):
I'm in a very similar situation at the moment with my ex boyfriend. I ended things with him 9 months ago because despite dozens of conversations about how much I felt neglected and like I was his last priority, he never listened or did anything about it. He absolutely took me for granted and he thought I'd always put up with it. That I was just being 'a nag'.
The problem I think you have here is that when someone like me or your wife has been putting up with poor behaviour for such a long time, they have gone way beyond the point where many women would have left. We have heard all of the excuses and promises, so by the time the decision is made to leave, it really is because we have reached the end of our tether.
I second the advice that you need to start acting like this 'new you' right away. I'll be honest - it may not be enough to win your wife back, but it will give you the best chance. Or if all else fails, it will at least stand you in good stead to make your next relationship better. My ex used to give it the 'I'm not perfect, I'm just a man' chat as an excuse, but the fact is he was a grown ass man and choosing to sext other women and pretend to be ill to bail on a date with me and get drunk with his mates was his choice. Not a weakness he couldn't control. OWN your behaviour and take responsibility for it. Silly mistakes as you call them can happen, but at some point you have to hold up your hands and admit you knew what you were doing and simply thought you could get away with it.
As one final piece of advice - do not stop seeing your kids because of this. Women do not take kindly to a father who bails on his family, so you will kiss any chance you have of getting her back goodbye in an instant if you do. You say you struggle with them? That's what being a parent is! Help and support your wife instead of making excuses to back off and leave her to get on with it herself.
Your post clearly shows you are desperate to get things back the way they were, but I'm afraid you'll need to learn some patience here. You now need to accept your wife is finally being a little selfish putting herself first for a change. It's not too nice when the shoe is on the other foot is it?
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 October 2015): I hope everything works out well for you in the end you sound very genuine in your admittance of having been at fault in a number of ways, should you be shouldering all the blame? it's very heroic of you but no one is perfect 'this means your other half'.When somebody say's they want to find them self and have some fun, it often means they are bored. If you had done all these things wrong, why did she not want to find herself back then?What has having fun to do with the mentioned issues? Sorry but me thinks your persistent error's are been used as a get out.I would suggest forgetting the sweet talk, and apologies and take your beautiful wife on an adventure of a lifetime, inject a new spark into your marriage and then have some wild sex with her, like you have never met before.Bring passion into your marriage before somebody else does, this could have something to do with the issue of her saying you have taken her for granted? Don't laydown and cry, get your head up out of the sand and live.Good Luck.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (19 October 2015):
 Your wife has lost trust in you and doesn't believe that you have her as your top priority. It's played out again and again, based on your post ("A family member causing a Rift and I was not there for her properly during the 1st pregnancy" and "Me making silly mistakes" and "Not being there or supporting her when I should have and standing up for her").
Why wait to tweak yourself into the new you? (I don't really know what that means, exactly; does that mean you'll stop leaving the toilet seat up or that you'll stop sexting other women and ignoring your wife while you hang out drinking with the family member for entire weekends while she takes care of your children without help?)
Just start being the new you, if you really want to convince her you've changed. Otherwise, it truly is all words and no action. So what if other people "experience" new you? (Again, it's hard to imagine what that means, please do explain that a bit more clearly.)
If you want a chance to win her back, you'll have to start being the new you with no expectation of success. Just do it because it's the right thing to do.
If her Mom has said to give it a year, then it means you are still speaking with her Mom. So start being the new you with her Mom. Demonstrate your capacity for accepting blame for what you did and for what you failed to do. Practice patience.
It does sound like you're asking a lot of her, but again, as we don't know what the rift was, who the family member is that you'd choose to believe above your wife, why you failed to be present for your wife when she was pregnant with your child and what your silly mistakes are, it's tough to know if there's really a possibility of healing this broken marriage.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (19 October 2015):
 You are still sticking you head in the sand or fingers in your ears going na-na-na-na I can't hear you!!
There is not instant fix for this.
YOU need to accept that AS things are right now, nothing you can say or do will work, my guess is... she has heard it all before.
Don't be a stranger to your kids just because you and your wife can't figure out what the next BIG move will be.
Sit her down, talk "rules and boundaries" for a "break" in the marriage. Like NO dating/sex with other people, working on the issues at hand, talk time line. A break should have a limit. After that limit you BOTH need to reevaluate if you are heading towards divorce or reconciliation. You might EVEN consider finding a couple counselor/neutral 3rd person to help put the issues into words, action and perspective. One thing is for you to presume that ALL you need is to "tweak" a few think, reality.... might be very different.
TALK about what SHE wants EXACTLY from you to give it another try. Tell her what YOU need from HER to try and make it work.
I DO think the BEST thing (even it it's NOT ideal for you or the kids) is to GIVE her that break.
And no, you can't make up for not being there during her first pregnancy. But, it's also something SHE needs to let go of, she needs to forgive that and move on - not hold it over your head. Because YOU can not change the past - you CAN however move forward in unison IF you BOTH try.
Be realistic but LISTEN to what she is saying instead of going into a "I can fix this" mode.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (19 October 2015): ohh pull out your trump card of family therapy..or first couple therapy.You say you have a good woman and screwed up due to a family member.If you made the cardinal sin of trying to bed her sister you really have opened a can of worms.A rundown on what a lying conniving bitch of a sister she has to get you drunk and then come on to you might help.And to point out her ugly bits with true distain....the sisters ugly face i mean ..but what if it was some other transgression?Well maybe her mum is right.Back off a bit and start talking contact visits for the childrens sake.Less about you and more about them.Your in with a chance if you over flirted with the sister because no woman wants to loose her man to a viper in the nest, but if you were just plain stupid and made a mega pass and bedded the sister then i think id give up because you may never be safe in your wifes company again!Or have i got it all wrong and you just run over the family cat again.(unforgivable ..!)
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