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anonymous
writes: Hello...here's the story- I went out with a guy for 4 years who I loved with all my heart and when we were together the first two, things were okay but he always had a really bad temper and things started getting bad in our relationship- he would come to my job and flip out(bc he thought that I cheated) almost causing me to lose it- but then he bought me a ring and promised me he would get counseling and we went together- but things always ended up falling apart- anyway...the day I broke up with him(which was a year and a half ago) he decided to try to put his hands on me In the car so I threw him out and wouldn't take him back. He finally got with someone else and stayed with her for about a year. Now I hear he broke up with her, and I see him everywhere when I go out- The first time he saw me, he said something cocky and the next night, I had it and blew up at him- He even tried to talk to one of my friends to introduce her to one of his so that he could talk to me- By the end of the night he threw beer in my face because I would not talk to him- and I got him kicked out of the bar. Then he turned around and told my friend he LOVES ME and he is hurt by what happened to us!!!!!!!!!
Let me inform you that I put a restraining order on this guy so i went to the cops and got him arrested for violating it. Heres my question- after ALL THAT DRAMA how come I still think of him and don't want to see him with noone else?!!! Is that CRAZY or what?!!! Sometimes when I think about us and the good times I still get teary eyed- but then I think about all the rotten things he has done and I tell myself it could never work- Why am I feeling this way? And how can I stay strong to not want to go back with him? Is this love or obsession? What is your input on all this? THANKYOU!!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 November 2008): so its obvious that you are so not alone here.first i do not think this is an obsession! you cared about this guy whether or not you wanted to. i was sitting here trying to think... cause my ex and i broke up about 2 months ago. we were only together for about a year.. a little less. the first few months were good, but i remember the first time he controlled me. i didnt even know what i was getting myself into. i bought me a $400 purse. he told me to return it. he said that i couldnt afford it and if i didnt return it then he would know what kind of person i was. irresponsible etc. i remember my friend i bought the purse with, was like OMG you want it so keep it. i remember, sitting on the phone crying, for like 4 hours talking to him. man he was lecturing me. i thought it was the end of the world if he left me... THAT is when i handed over my self-respect. when i returned the purse..i remember i had to prove everything. he was very jealous. very controlling.. and HOW could i not see that? wow. so the first time that he hit me, we were out of town. we drank so much alcohol. i literally dont even remember leaving the bar. what i do remember, is i was laying in our hotel on the couch, and i woke up and the first thing i said was "why does my face hurt" he was holding ice on my right eye, and my left cheek. i open my eyes and hes sitting next to me crying. i dont know if i was knocked out when he hit me or if i was passed out from alcohol. when i asked him what happen, he said that i was kicking him in the face and he just had a reflex. then a woman saw him hit me, and so we had to switch seats cause she was screaming that she was going to call the cops and when we switched seats he said that i started to kick him again and bam another reflex (this is what he told me). well the next day, i forgive him because hell, i dont even remember what happen. how can i be mad, if i dont remember??? the result left me with a black eye, and a swollen jaw, huge bump on my jaw. k so the 2nd time... in between there have been fights. he didnt like my friend stephanie and when he told me to have her leave my apartment, i told him no and he literally flipped out (he was working in alaska). shes my friend, im not telling her to leave. well so i lied about 2 other people that came over. her boyfriend came over, which happen to be friends with my ex, so he was over too. but he wasnt there for me, we were just all friends! well i never told my boyfriend that until after we broke up. anyways, he held that against me, because i wouldnt tell her to leave. for a very long time. so he comes home from alaska... things ended up being patched up. he lies to me about doing drugs a few times, donesnt come home a NUMBER times, doesnt even bother telling me hes not coming home. i mean.. i would wait up for him!!!!!well one night, he went out and he said he wasnt coming home so i told him i was going out with some girls frome work. well at 2:30 am hes driving home and hes trying to hunt me down. im with my friend teresa and i make her turn around to meet him, i swear i dont know how i could have been so stupid (i wasnt even drunk!!), well that night i end up getting back into his car, i get in the backseat cause i didnt want to get hit.. well he starts making phone calls to my girlfriends and asks 100 questions. i reached to grab my phone and bam.. he backhands me again. my lip has busted, and blood is everywhere. i actually have stains on my jeans to prove it. i think i cried myself to sleep. he apologized, and he said he thought i was going to hit him and it was reflex. there were a couple times in between where he would just push me, leave bruises on my arms. but the 3rd time, is just as memorable as the 2nd. we went to eat dinner, had a few drinks there. i remember we were laying in bed, and my highschool friend stephen calls me. just to say whats up. well my boyfriend starts to ask all these questions and i dont remember what i told him. i think i said that stephen has a thing for me, but we have always just been friends (i shouldnt have said that i know). well he gets on the phone, and starts talking mad shit to stephen. after they get off, my boyfriend is like im leaving fuck this.. well i beg him to stay. im pulling on him, begging him not to leave me and that stephen is just my friend. by God, i have NEVER begged anyone to stay. NEVER EVER EVER. who is this girl??? so anyways, he picks me up and slams me to the ground and starts to choke me!!!! when he lets go, i get up and im yelling "what are you doing to me!!! OMG what is your problem" and he like chucks me across the room on my on the bed and walks off. less than an hour later "we are okay" again and go out. its so weird.. you know to think back. i dont miss him, as i type this. but before i did. an hour ago i did. but when i talk about what hes done to me, i dont miss him anymore.. i mean ok im not innocent. i have lied to him. i never cheated. he thinks that i did. but i didnt. he cheated on me actually. he lied about doing drugs, and cheating on me. hes brought some ex girlfriend into my apartment, that i paid for. does that compare to lies? oh yeah and he was collecting unemployment for about 6 months, i was paying the bills and working full time. he was too lazy to even leave the effin house. he said he was depressed from hitting me. i did do a few things wrong, i was not perfect but i think i acted out because i was screaming for independence. he had complete control over me, and i handed it to him when i returned my coach purse. now i understand why he hated my best friend stephanie, because i was myself around her. i had control of myself when i was around her, i made my own choices. but you see he wanted me to make the choices that HE wanted me to make. not what i wanted. gosh he is such a peice of shit. nothing but a waste of time. wow. all the memories and pain are like streaming back now...one night, after doing meth he had like a raging temper... well by the end of the night his mom called him out and he wanted to walk. he wouldnt get in the car, so i told her to just take me home. well i was just trying to avoid being hit!!!!! so he comes home... he walked the whole way and he is pissed off. he ends up breaking my glass top coffee table, punching a hole in the wall, breaking a huge vase on the counter, tearing the handle off the fridge and shattering my cell phone by throwing it against the wall.wow that was a crazy night. i remember telling him to get out, and that i was done with him. i took his key back, and ended up giving it back to him the next day. what an idiot i am!!!!stay away from these kinda guys. i remember when i left him, and cut him off completely he was holding my furniture hostage. i had to file harassment complaints on him just so he'll leave me alone. i think ive called the cops on him about 4 times. bailed him out of jail twice within a year. he is crazy and i remember that now. i am safe though.. i moved back in with my parents,and he hasnt called me since the last complaint i filed. hes tried to contact me, but ive blocked his numbers, i even changed my number and he found it out. he started dating another girl, 3 days after i left him... they are together now 2 months later.. he is so weak he needed to replace me. whatever. hes not my problem anymore!!!! you girls be strong. there is better out there.
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 November 2008): This is a really hard thing to deal with. I don't think my situation is even close to as bad as some of the young girls on here...I'm 29 and I just got out of my first abusive relationship of three years. It started with playing a little too rough, but not one to be bested, I played back.
Because I am drawn to broken, beautiful things, loved him right away. He is attractive, rough around the edges, into great music, a talented chef, funny, charismatic and great with people. He is also needy, emotional, infantile, an over-reactor and an alcoholic. It's stupid, but because I've always felt like someone with emotional pain and I saw that in him, I felt like we were meant to be together. When we met he told me to run away from him, that he wasn't good enough. That just made me angry and more determined to be with him. I began to drink more than I normally did to fit in with his lifestyle.
I don't remember when it went to far, but sometimes when we were drinking and I'd taunt him or say things he didn't like, he'd throw me across the room or push my head onto the ground or the floor. When we were driving and it happened he'd smack me in the head or hit my head onto the dashboard. I usually hit back. Once I broke a bottle over his head. I was far too critical of him and took out my anger with his drinking on his self-esteem. It got to the point where nothing he ever did was good enough. We'd fight, he'd steal the keys to my car and hide them so I couldn't leave. Alcohol is his first problem, so when all this was going on, he was drunk. I'd never hit anyone before him. Whenever I talked to him about it he'd say that I hurt him too. I'd tell him that that was no excuse, that I deserved better and that no matter what, it wasn't o.k. to act like that to me. Sometimes it would be good for a while. Once he broke my nose. I was angry at him about something and he went to bed without talking to me, so I went up there and started hitting him I think because I was hurt and mad that he was ignoring me, I'm not sure. He woke up and with one swift hit, blood was gushing out of my nostrils. Our friends listened to the story the next day and didn't tell me to leave, or tell him he was wrong. It wasn't the worst broken nose ever, it healed on its own and didn't need to be reset. We moved and things were better for a while. But his drinking got in the way of everything in our lives. I started to be unhappy all the time. I was more critical of him. He would tell me I didn't have any friends, that I didn't do anything, that I was hiding from the world, that everyone thought I was wierd. I would tell him that he was a pathetic, worthless mess, a failure at life, incapable of becoming a functioning human being. Through it all, he loved me and told me I was beautiful. He never told me I was ugly or fat, he was always enamoured with me and my body.
I finally left him in August of this year. Then I sliced through a tendon and had to have surgery. He showed up at the hospital and helped me through it. Then he was juvenile and upset about the breakup and left. We started to see more of each other, and even slept together a few times. We felt like we did when we were first in love. I knew that nothing had changed, so I drew away. We went out to dinner a few times after that and then I told him I needed some time away, to really get over him. He didn't like that, but we parted ways and that was that...until he showed up at my house and broke in after I locked him out because he was drunk and belligerent. I felt guilty about it, but my sisters were at the house, and it really bothered them. I couldn't let him just push his way in with them around. So that was it for a while. He apologized eventually and we started to email. Then on Halloween we ran into each other and went home together. It was very nice and I missed him, but I knew that I didn't want him back. A few weeks later, he called me and was having a really rough time at work, finally I caved an went and picked him up and had dinner with him. I dropped him off in town and didn't go home with him.
Of course he says he wants to change and he wants me back, really we don't even talk about the hitting, we just talk about him needing to get his life on track, stop the drinking, get his license back and get into a good place. I never thought I would be this person. I know I have taste that gets me into trouble, but usually not this kind of trouble.
I'm not running back to him, but I think about him all the time. Especially now that we are not seeing each other as much. I check my email everyday hoping to hear from him. Often I do. He keeps telling me that he wants to marry me, wants me back in his life. I obviously don't want that if it means the booze and the rest. So why do I still want him? What is wrong with me? When I read my own writing about what he has done to me, I start to make excuses for him in my head. I know what he did was wrong. I feel like I wronged him too, I was verbally abusive, I harmed his self-esteem. I hit him too, but I don't give that much weight. It was definitely wrong, but he is stronger than me and that was his game. I've been with people that had drinking and drug problems before and I was usually able to be a positive influence in their lives. I don't know why this guy and I were so destructive to each other.Can it ever work? Even if it can, it probably won't with this guy, so why do I still love him so much? I am trying desperately to do the right thing, but the person I am fighting with about it is myself. Why does a part of me have no sense and never ending forgiveness when it comes to him?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 September 2008): brace urself if u are going to read this, cuz its gonna be a long one. im just trying to get it all out of my system. and after typing all this realize that i am soo much better.
like most girls/ woman, i thought i was the only one going through this shit. my names Kristen, and i am 19 years old about to turn 20. & i have been in an on again off again relationship with my ex boyfriend for the past 5 years. i met him in grade 9. i was 14 years old. and he was also one of my brothers best friends, he was 16 years old. now im almost 20 and hes almost 21. so here it goes.
when i first laid eyes on him i thought he was the sexiest thing i had ever seen. since he was friends with my brother he was at my house like all the time. i knew i wanted to date him. i found out after we started dating that he felt the same way when he first saw me.
so now were dating. but thing is .. its a secret. nobody knows becuz he is my brothers best friend and no one can no or elsee, 1. my brother and all of his friends would freak for dating my brothers little sister.
so we kept our relationship a secret for the first 3-4 months until word got out. and believe me it was so hard to keep it a secret.
so everything was good with us for about the first 8 months. he was the first one who told me he loved me, he would do anything for me, he bought me whatever, whenever. i was so happi. and happi that i met him & that we didn't have to hide our relationship anymore becuz i wanted to show him off.
so around 8 months, came our biggest fight to date. i cant even remember what it was about. i just remember sitting in his car yelling and gettin yelled at and all of a sudden a force again my face. i was in soo much shock. i couldn't even figure what was going on. he was my first real boyfriend and i couldn't believe that just happened. i didn't know what to think. i started balling my eyes out. and of course here comes the saying.
"omg im sooooo sorrryyy, ive never done that before. omg baby, imm sooo sorrryyyy, it will never happen again". & of course i believed him.
yea. stupid on my part. so time goes by, about a month. and boom. here we go again. anohter strike to the face. after that. its just became normal. i knew if i had sed the wrong thing to him or pissed him off in some way and we starting fighting, i knew it would happen again. so agian about another 10 times it happened i forgave him, and let him have his way.
around our one year he bought me a promise ring and told me how much he loved me, and how happi we would be and how everything was going to "change", yea heard that before. well let me tell u. it never did. and it never will. once a man feels he has power over his woman. the girl who loves him and would do anythign for him, and would take him back no matter how bad he has treated u or hit u , he will never change. he loves that power. men loved to feel like they own something. and especially if he was picked on as a kid, or seen his parents doing that. or grown up having that happen to him.
he has hit me so bad. i couldn't even explain. ive had soo many bruises on my arms, legs, face, back, he has literally pull my hair out of my head before, he has thrown me down to the ground and kicked my stomach. a lot of times when we were driving in his car he would drive far from somewhere close. just so i couldn't get out of the car and walk away. cuz i tend to do that when we were fighting. he would grab my head and throw it against his dashboard and start hitting me in the back of my head and back. i wuold be screaming for him to stop and he wouldn't. once again like always. he would apologize and i would hear the same shpeeel. and beleieve it. and i had to lie about it. cuz i didn't want ppl to know he was doing that to me. for his safety and for mine. and by that i mean, if he knew i told ppl i did that, itd be bad.
i cant beleieve i was ever in that relationship. i would cry everyday. i would be sitting at home watching maury or sumthing about abusive men, and i would be thinking. i cant believe i am one of those girls now. i always used to watch those shows and feel sooo bad for those girls. and i never fully understood there pain. but now i now exactly how they feel and maybe even worse. i was physically abused and almost everyday emotionally abused. i would get called names. like bitch, slut, ugly, fat. im none of those things. but i believed them when he sed it to me. i felt like nothing. i hated myself abut i still loved him. i was now in a relationship where i couldn't ge tout of without being afraid.
i have tried to move on. and had a couple of boyfriends in between. (on our off stages). and he would always scare them away. call me 24/7, telling me he loved me and he was so sorry and he wanted me back and how everything would be different. he would show up at my house un announced. he would find out where i was or be at my house when my new boyfriend was dropping me off. and start following us. it was intenseeee. so around the 3rd year. like the 100th time we have called it off. he was soo serious when he told me he never wanted to talk to me again, he hated me, and he was movin on. so i decided to move on. i met this great guy. everything was cool with us & then the second he finds out im happy, hes back to ruin my life. i ended up leaving this new guy to be with the ex again. after all of that shit he had put me through. why????. when at the beginning of the relationship when u fall inlove with that person , u think their amazing and u would do anything for them and making them happy made u feel happy. so somehow, u will always beleieve u love them no matter what and how one day it will work out. so u keep giving them chances cuz u remember how good it was in the beginning and u just want that back. so u take it back.
i wish i never did. i wish i gave it up the very first time he hit me. and im not trying to act all innocent i did hit him back, only after i was already hit. u never have the right to hit someone. but in this case it was self defense.
even after i left that ex to be with him again. i stayed with him for another alomost 2 years coming up. i just talked to him 2 days ago fucked up i knoww trust mee. it just got so intense and "love" got in the way. its so hard to move on. trust me. i want to and i try everyday.
i know im better then him, i know i do not deserve what he has done to me. my self esteem just got totally erased after being with him. and its really hard for me now to except compliments or look at myself in the mirror and feel "pretty". but im doign it. im gettin better. im starting to find myself again after all of that. and believe that i can be independent and i dont need him. he's a peice of shit and he knows it. throughout of whole relationship i was always blamed. for everything. and it was bullshit. things i was being blamed for made no sense at all. but after having no self esteem left and feeling like nothing. u start to believe his lies. and believe that maybe u did cuz this or that fight. and its stupid. my friends and family have told me to get aeway from him. and i am trying really hard to just forget him and move on. i know its really hard. he was my first love. but dont give up. u were fine before u met him. u can be fine now without him. ddont think that thats the only "love" u will ever find, becuz its not. there is great men out there. men who can treat u with respect and love you for who u r. trust me i had one. and i regret letting him go for that jerk off.
dont ever let a man treat u the way i was treated. it is not worth it. u will become depressed, feel like shit everyday, have no self esteem left over. hes not worth ur tears u cry, its not worht it for ur health and ur mentality. get out. the second u start seeing warning signs to an upcoming abusive relationship, get the fuck out. im telling u. becuz it only gets worse. and its a constant cycle until u end it.
warning signs :
he gets jealous so easily. over u even talking to a guy friend
he wants to spend ever second with you of every day
he looks through ur cell phone, just cuz.
he calls u every 15 min when ur out with ur girls
he hits u for the first time (definatly get out)
little things u will be able to notice. and if shit starts feeling weird. and he starts acting obsessive and or controlling. leave him. even if u can never picture him hitting u. trust me it will come. and u will regret not gettin out while u can. just do it. for ur safety. please.
i wish i did. and i hope readin this for most girls who havn't been in an abusive relationship helps.
thansk for taking the time to read my story, and beleieve me thats not even close to half of it. i just wanted you to read a brief part of it to understand that its no joke. and it can be prevented. good luck to all u girls in the future with ur relationships and i hope none of u have to go through it. or go through it again.
Kristen.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 August 2008): Hi, This is too the fifteen year old who still talks to her abuser. Honey, dont. It's a bad idea, and I can see that you know it. What makes him so special? Im also 15 so dont think that i couldnt understand. It's been 6 months since i broke up with a boy that i met almost a year ago in school. he was a jerk, arrogant, but i was in love with him for 5 months, and i thought he was one of my best friends. however much love i gave him, i never got anything back, he was just, i dont even know how to describe it. So finally I asked him out, and he said sure. However all I got used for was his manly show prize. He wasnt popular, I am, but i thought he was nice, and just quiet. however suddenly I became the thing that was his way to popularitty. he would make out with me in the halls where the more popular guys would hang out. and tell them that there was more going on then there was. He didnt get me anything for valentines day, accept getting up my shirt. And I cried the whole bus ride home. He would give me hickeys where everyone could see them, like he was marking his teritory almost. It was horrible. I brokeit off with him, but after he still kept asking my friends if i was going out with one of my other guy friends (who rightfully hated my x) and when i went to tell him to leave me alone and bud out of my buossness, he told me he could still "keep tabs" on me, if he wanted to. Thank god he moved away. I had to change my screen name and everything to avoid his "tab keeping" . It was horrible, and while I know that I shouldnt, I still think about the things we would do together when ever i see something that makes me think of him. But please. Dont put yourself in the situation for abuse, it's not a good place to be. I know my story isnt anything like some of the other womens on here, and to them I wish them nothing but safety, and that they will be surrounded by people they can trust. And most importantly strength. - Lou
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 August 2008): all the drama keeps you wrapped up. fear and love are easily confused. they feel alot alike. be strong, and you already know your better off. keep your head up.
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 August 2008): I am 13 years old and this is my first real boyfriend with my luck i was in an abusive relationship. Lets call him will. Me and him met in my seventh grade year. At first he and his friends were in almost every class i had. He seemed like a nice guy but i never talked to him. Evanutually my friend lets call her sara ended up liking his friend. we would stare at him angd giggle like 5 year olds. Now me and wills friend ended up being close and i started to hang wit will almost everyday. We eventually ended up going out this was the first time and we went out for awhile till about a three weeks wen i founded he had cheated on me. He called me a slut if i cried or said i was hurt. He told me i deserved all the hurt. I took him back and the absuse happened just before i went on this trip to washingto n d.c. he would call my phone and text me the whole night with his friend jess. I got dumped just before this trip because i went sara's house and me and another guy danced wit each other. The day i got back from this trip he called and yelled at me the whole time. I was hurt so bad that i was numb. He would calll me a slut at school and make me cry. I asked him to take me back and he said i was a " whore who was whorthless and never gonna be loved by anyone" even after this i begged for him to take me back. I stopped begging he evantually asked me out again and i was excited. But the truth was the only reason he ever loved me was because he "fingered me" and we had phone sex almost every day. In my mind i was a slut for this. Im now healing and sometimes its easier sometimes its harder. Now i have a new boyfriend and he isnt abusive and he is helping me smile and bulid up wat will crushed and hurt. Everyone remembers their first love but ill remember mine a lil different. I guess i do deserve better then him and i can finally beleive that. Being only thirteen proves that even wen me and him are 20 he wont change. It also says that its not only in adults its in middle school elemetry school its everywhere. Im hoping this helps for others girls hope and healing to be better. Love
Kitty :) (You will be ok)
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 July 2008): I miss him so much I cry at night. Sometimes it is hard for me to get through my day. I have to remind myself that I am not stupid, ugly or unworthy.
I was in a abusive relationshi off and on for 6 years. Like so many of you, it did not start out that way, in fact I would say the 1sy 2 years well pretty o.k. Then our arguments became so much more. It started with verbal abusive and just got worse as teh fight progressed. I would confront him with lies and he would get mad at me for actually confronting him, like how dare I question him. He would get mad because I would not accept his lies and his abusive way.
I became always to blame for all the problems in the relationship, every argument. I was to blame for his foul moods. I just didn't know how to "accept him" how he was so I really didn't love hime. He would get mad at me because I asked for basic respect.
He would say how much he loved me, I would believe him and at the same time ask him, if he loved me so why do I have to beg for respect? I would tell him I didn'y feel loved, he would get mad and say well, if that's how you feel, leave, why are you here. That still makes me feel bad b/c I should have left a long time ago.
He had no problem humiliating me in front of his friends, his family. He cheated on me several times and bragged about it to friends, he brought these women around his fiends while I was at work. He would bring these women to his father's house. Then when I would catch him, he would get made at me for being mad at him. he was never sorry for what he did, just sorry he got caught. I believed his sorry b/c I wanted to.
He has kicked me out of his car, reached over me opened the door, raised his leg and kicked me out while I had my seat belt on. He has tried to hold me captive in my own house. I got in a fight with him soo bad, it ended with me in the ER getting 11 sticthes in my hand for the 1st time in my life. He has gotten me fired from my job ( around year 4). he has left me stranded, abandoned me, hung up in my face countless times, calles me all types of crazy bitches when I confront him with lies ....which by the way he never admits the truth...he has slapped food out my mouth, knocked cups out my had, chocked me, pushed me down when my back was turned and you would think that would hurt the most but it is not.
what hurt the most was his constantly putting everything over me. The knowing that my love for him was NEVER enough. Knowing that I gave him everything I had to give and it just was not enough for him. I was waiting for him to wake up and love mr back and be my friend. i dont know what he got out of it.
i called the police on him and got him arrested 4 times. i went back each time. I in a sick way missed him so mmuch and then it would be goood for about 4 months before we were back at it.
I am trying to get over him. I have moved but he knows were I live. I have changed my phone number twice. i have an active restaining order against him.
The sickest part is the 1st sentence. I still cry at night. I gave him something, my love, and he basically shit on it. He made me feel worthless in so many ways. He is a liar and a munipulator.
I have to live with the fact that I am hurting everyday, missing him everyday when I know he is not even thinking about me. He has moved on with his life to the next gurl or the girl he always had and I still wake up in the night with tears in my eyes over a boy ( Ido not call him a man) who is ok everyday. He is somewere laughing, having fun continuing on with his life. He has comforted ihmself with blaming me even still.
It's hard. Idon't know why women stay or why you have the conflicting feelings, you just do. i dont know how long it takes to get over. i can tell you that it is normal for your situation but it doesn't mean that you go back, if yo miss him or still care for him. it just means that your feelings WERE real and that is nothing to be ashamed or stressed about.
and i can tell you, you don't miss him, you just miss having some one around. because there is nothing he can do for you that someone else can't. And then you have to absolve to the fact that, sometimes it is better to just be alone that with someone that makes you even feel like less of yourself.
Something my mom told me, I will share.
Love is an verb, it is an action, not a word you say. You can show a person you love them and have that person feel like the most loved person in the word without saying a word.
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female
reader, mirsor14  +, writes (19 July 2008):
i know exactly how you feel and what you are going through. i broke up with my bf after 2 and a half years. at first he was amazing but after the first year we started to fall apart. he would hit me, manipulate me and other people, tell lies, cheat. it was always okay for him to hang otu, party with other girls and take off without me but it wasnt okay for me. and i recently found out that the girl he cheated on me with had their baby. and he still denies that the kid is his! he makes me sick! knowing what he's doing and it doesnt bother him in anyway. i still find myself crying over him and remembering the good times but we cant think like that. we are giving them the control over our emotions. thats what guys like them want. we have to really think of all the pain and hurt they caused us and realize thats who they really are. they wont change. it is hard, very hard, but i try to remember the bad that way i dont care. we deserve better than that. i try to go out and just get my mind off of it and do things to occupy me. but just know it will pass and what doesnt kill you only makes you stronger. dont let him have the power.
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 June 2008): You are falling for an abuser - you are caught up in the grooming tactics of an abusive person – stay with him and you will see what I mean! All you have to do is accept the behaviour and you will be a victim, Narcissistic people don't "love" themselves. He only knows control and cant love - he will drain you, if you don’t understand Co-dependency its time you read up on it. Dangerous people these manipulators, move on and find love, he wants to own you. He keeping moving the goal post, blaming, manipulating and dominating with grooming skills that only an abuser can forge
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reader, WizardOfWaz  +, writes (26 June 2008):
 Thanks for sharing your story female anon, I'm sure it will encourage others to understand that the vicious cycle in even the most abusive controlling relationships can be broken, just by walking away and staying away.
Regards
Waz
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 June 2008): We met at school and I was extremely attracted to him he was so nice in the beggining of the relationship, taking me out calling me all the time and buying my stuff. Our first fight was because i was shy around my friends when i was with him because he was basically my first realy bf and of coarse my friends teased me. He then ignored me(which was during a pep rally) he put his hood on and fingered me while i was standing at the door.I was so sad that I cried and walked to the train. He then called me and begged for me to come back and he was scared i was gonna leave him. So i went back and we fought and yelled and i asked him to forgive me.We made up (6 months later he told me the night before he got drunk because he was so in love and i "hurt" him)after that we had the honeymoon stage, and the abusive cycle. He was manipulative and always demanded things from me.He said he slept with 6 girls before me. so I didnt have to be worried about giving my virginity to him because he was experienced. I then found out 13 months into the relationship that i was really his first.I got my first job and had to work on a day that he "wanted to be with me" and he got so mad that he said fuck you leave me alone.The next day at school he ignored me and "went with his friends" and I begged and screamed and cried for him to see me and he then said no.. you dont care about me.. you went to work. its over.And then I called him a million times and we met up and he said that he hooked up with a girl from his work the day before when i was at work. I was shocked but I forgave him right away then we went to his house and had make up sex. Then a month later we had a fight and I scratched my wrist not to cause any harm but to get his attention. It worked very well but then he swore and showed his true colors and he called me a stupid bitch and then said sorry after that. But we had other fights and I did it again then he started hurting himself as well to get attention too. Then he started to swear more at me and that escalated into him slapping or hitting me when we had other arguements. Some one even reported him to the police when they saw him trying to kick me. But I lied to the police and said he never hits me. From then on he was careful no one saw him when he was hitting me. He hits me even if I "raise my voice" even when I don't think I'm being loud at all. He spits on me and even demands "come over here I'm going to punch you on the head" and when I go over he punches me. He also forced me to quit my job. But I got a new one and was careful not to tell him about anyone joking around with me or anything.I gave him presents for our First Anniversay of when we started going out and also his birthday but he didn't get me anything on my birthday or our anniversary or even Christmas. I got fed up with him and broke up and started seeing another gy, but my bf kept absuing me and threatening me and then eventually convinced me that he had learned his lesson and had changed and things will be ok if we give it another chance. But he was soon back to his old ways using the the fact that I had been with some one else to abuse me more than ever.He was the same abusive controlling guy. If i told him he was abusive or controlling he would deny it and get mad at me for it. Everyone around me, my bestfriend, my friends, my co-workers, my teachers even my own parents were telling me to leave him. I just cant take it anymore. I'm not allowed to talk to my friends anymore because they keep telling me what to do. But only because it is the right thing to do. I have to lie if I want to see my bestfriend. I turn off my phone and say its dead. this was yesterday.. i then called him when i got home and he kept hanging up on me over and over again. I think I literally called 50 times. I then said to myself this is enough I cant do this anymore I cant play these games, is this what he calls controlling his anger? I know deep in my heart all I did through the whole relationship was try and please him and not anger him and if he hurt me I made myself believe I deserved it. He doesnt even deserve a proper breakup I'm just gonna ignore him forever, and no, this is not our first break up, its probably our 9th now. But this time I'm not gonna say its over and see his crying act or put up with him swearing at me and saying; "I dont care I dont love you". I'm just gonna stay away from him and talk to my friends again and do what I want with MY life, not live my life for him. I dont know if this answers your question but whatever you're going through I promise you this; there' no one out there who hasn' survived it, or going through it right now. Time will heal and one big tip;dont fall for his guilt trips and DO NOT GO BACK. Anyone is better than an abuser.
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reader, Wisewoman44 +, writes (13 May 2008):
I was in an abusive relationship for about one year and left ten times and finally for the last time this past December 2007 and relocated to a new state to begin a new life. My life is much happier since I left, but I am still grieving.
I understand your issues regarding your conflicting feelings about your ex. I have begun to recover one day at a time and have so many mixed emotions. I still can't believe I got the courage and strength to relocated and really leave him. I love/loved him and even though he abused me, I still think of him and the good times. The relationship was bad, but not all bad. It is normal to feel conflicting feelings, even though it is perplexing to others not in the same situation.
I try to let my feelings out and write and just expereince them even thought it is very hard. I am also attending a domestic violence/abusive relationship support group. To this day, I still miss him even though a lot of days I can't stand him. I cannot ever go back to that abusive relationship. My biggest feeling is guilt about leaving without telling him.
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 May 2008): Dear Reader,
I'm 19 now but 2 years ago my junior year in high school I was in an abusive relationship. It only lasted 8 months because thats about the time he started changing and I broke up with him. Its like he had split personality or something, one day he would buy me flowers and be so sweet the next day he hit me just because I "made him mad." I thought about putting a restraing order on him but at the time I was so scared I've never delt with anything like that before so I just kept quite about it and now me and him don't talk which is good. He was also a year older than me at the time which made it a bit intemidating for me when things started changing. I still think about him too but I think its only because everyone thinks about their first boyfriends, I am so glad I am out of that relationship. I am so much happier now, I just wish he could spend his time for hitting me and I know he hit his other ex's too, but I think its too late for a restraining order.
-much happier now
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 May 2008): Hi, I'm 38 and just got out of an abusive relationship 3 days ago, which lasted 2 and a half years... And just like all of you, I did this at LEAST 10 times. I'm hoping this time is the last. I'm still asking myself why in God's name do I miss him?!? And now I have my answer, thanks to all of you. Just like you, this guy was a dream. But I also let go of the HUGE red flag sent when I met him. We met through friends. We spoke on the phone for two weeks before I agreed to go out on a date with him. When we set the date, he called to make the plan while I was at work. Now keep in mind I saw him once and we just spoke on the phone. Well I told him I would meet him at this lounge with my girlfriend, at around 1 am, as my friend was working. He responded by saying: " why? you have another date before me??" THAT, was my red flag. I spoke about it to one of my co-workers, who is a psychologist, and she encouraged me to go, saying he was probably nervous. But I should have listened to my gut. I didn't. BIG MISTAKE....The first three months, we were in our little happy bubble, spending every minute with eachother. Another red flag: he was saying how he loved me and found his wife... After three months... But I was so blissfully happy, I fell for it. I wanted a stable family for myself and my daughter (from a previous ABUSIVE marriage, YEP! pattern!!)The first abusive incident was during an outing with friends, I was with my friends, him with his. We met up afterwards and he accused me of cheating on him for no reason. I got upset and called him on it, as I do have a character and do not appreciate being accused for no good reason. Well, he spit in my face... I was in total shock. I couldn't beleive he did that. But after the anger passed, I escused it, saying he was angry and reacted. I would never do that, but I escused it anyway. After that came the name calling: bitch whore slut, etc... Well I fought back with some of my own. Fast forward and he cheats on me with a friend of mine, THAT HE MET AT MY HOME. Yep, worst feeling ever. Yet, I loved him so much, I forgave that too. I started getting some self help books, that'S where I realized HELLO?!? You are in a bad situation, but love and my need to help him left me there. SO I told him here are my boundaries, cross them and it'S over. Of course, he crossed them a couple of times before I finally told him enough is enough. The last straw was when I found another woman's phone number in his phone. I asked him who she was. He told me this crazy story, thinking I was going to be stupid enough to beleive it. Well I asked him to prove the story: call her up, put it on speaker phone, so I can hear. I needed to see for myself. He pulled a major fit, grabbed me by the hair to make me listen. That is when I calmly asked him to leave. So ladies, please listen to those red flags!!!Take careXXX
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 April 2008): omg I feel your pain so much. It so hard to go through this and not have anyone else around me who has been in this situation. I have been in a relationship for 1.5 years, but have been pushed brusied, called trash for having a cigarette, and even had a beer can throw at my face infront of people. I have been through so much, and have called it quits but i still love him for osme reason and hope he will get better. But i know that by me staying with him, i am enabling him to be abusive. I need to and so do you, leave him alone and move on. Its so hard, and I think about him everyday, we have broken up atleast 4 times and something always happens, and its usually worse then the thing before.
I fear my safety and am thankful I am not married or have childrem with him, because mine, and your situation could be a hell of alot worse.
I wish you the best. And pray for myself to stay strong.
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 March 2008): i just wanted to say how glad i am that i read the stories posted here. The woman who abused me is in the process of moving her stuff out, and i was struggling as to tell her not to go. I first got inolved with my now ex partner about 3 years ago. She had been in a long term relationship with his other guy, who abused her badly. He would hit her, put her down, even rape her. I guess i was sort of her knight in shining armour. i would sit and talk to her long into the night, telling her that everything would be ok, that she would find someone else who would treat her like the amazing person she was. Feelings grew and she finally worked up the courage to leave him, and we got together.At the time i thought that she was everything, she was funny, fun to be around, attractive, everything i was looking for. I completely doted upon her. I wouldve given her the whole world. After maybe a year and a half the cracks began to show.She would have me take her out shopping, spend stupid amounts of money on clothes, and then return them and keep the money. I'd take her away for weekends away and she would be moody the whole time and ruin the time we spent together, no matter how had i tried. At the time i thought she was high maintainance, but i was blinded by love for her. about 6 months ago we moved in together, bought a house together, and i thought that this was it, this was me set for life, and i was blissfully happy. It all went downhill from there.My friends would come round an be thrown out by her, and then id be made to choose betwen her and them, She would monitor my phone to see what i had sent and recieved. I'd go out with friends and be accused of cheating.I'd be put down terribly, told i was nothing, that i ws a pathetic waste of space that would never amount to anything no matter how hard i tried. I was told that my friends all hated me behind my back and told her they thought i was a liar and that i made stuff up all the time (im guessing mostly so i wouldnt say anything about the abuse to anyone) I act in plays, and shed come along and tell me how awful i was, crushing my confidence. i have been physically attacked 3 times, when she was at her worst. Each time i was left with deep scarring, but couldnt touch her back. I was raised never to hurt a woman, and i'd never harm someone weaker than me. my biggest scar i got from opening the washing machine and putting my stuff in the empty machine, because she was planning on using it later. I'd ben locked out of the house before, "so she'd have peace to watch her tv shows"sex was also a really bad aspect. It was used on her terms, and only given when for example she got her own way and i wouldnt go out with my friends to spend time with her. I was told that i was useless during sex, and ridiculed throughout. i finally mustered the courage to throw her out. and she's leaving tomorrow. The way i see it is the day you cry yourself to sleep is the day youve gotta take some kinda action. The reason i posted this story is partly because i feel mens abuse should be admitted to more, and men shouldnt feel demasculated because of the actions of a psycho. i also posted it to plead with victims of abuse that they shouldnt eep themselves closed in future relationships for fear thatit'll happen again, but to find someone kind, and to open up to them. AND remember, no one deserves to go through what victims of abuse go through, so learn from things and move on. and if you dont have enough courage to leave them, id advise cleaning the toilet with their toothbrush :)
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 March 2008): I too am experiencing something like this. I am 22 years old, and have/had been with a man for 7 years, we were highschool sweethearts. off and on we would hit eachother, when he woudl hit me and woudl sure as hell hit him back! Iam 4'10 and 90lbs and I have a chronic illness so i work out of the home. he is 5'9 or 5'11 and 160-some lbs. i am small but i can be very feisty, so i never thought this was an issue, being hit, i mean. i always pitied women that were in that kind of relation ship and told myself "man, i am so glad i found the love of my life early on." i felt so comfortable where i was at. but i jsut turned 22 a few days ago.
on my birthday--he didn't get me anything because i told him just being with him was fun enough. and... it usually is. he seemed grumpy that day, and later after we did a few shots of gin (not totally wasted) he hit me, i hit him back, grabbed his shoudlers and told him never to touch me liek that again, then, suddenly I was on the floor. my ears were ringing, my whole skull hurt. it took me a long while to realize that there was blood coming out of my mouth and down my face. I hae worked as a petit model, and now.... he broke the teeth out of my head, my lip was split open and bleeding, my nose was broken, and he gave me a concussion.
for the next few hours he got me ice for my face and kept telling me this has never happened before, he was sorry ect (and everyone knows of him as such a sweet kind man. he is chubby and rather small-boned and soft spoken, so not even his friends thinks he has a violent steak in him). I was drifting in and out of consciousness, I kept asking him if my eye was bleeding, because there was so muhc blood everywhere.
i told my mom i slipped on the ice. it's Minnesota in the wintertime, and she beleived me. I had ot get dental work done, cost a grand or so. but the worst pain is that my best friend would hurt me so badly ot leave me disfigured. we wanted ot have babies together. because I am so ill most of the tie, he is THE ONLY friend I have (we also live in an isolated part of Minnesota).
so that was my birthday present. i got my skull broken by this asshole, but i still remmber all the laughs we had together and all the memories and times of loving and tell myself "It's not that bad--he usually is such a gentle guy. everyone knows that". but then again, I ask myself when will i be hurt badly enoguh that i finally leave him? whaen is it enoguh for me? do i have ot finally die or have him hurt me if i was pregnant before i can stand up for myself?
i am so glad I found this site. that mixture of broken hearts and anguish is soemthing that these women here can identify with. i wish there was a self help group i could go to.
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 March 2008): hi its been a week and a half since my ex boyfriend moved out of my house. which is what i wanted him to do. im a 37 year old who is mentally drained from this man and his empty promises! He lived in my house free for a year and never had a job! we dated off and on for four years. i was married when we meet and ended up getting divorced, but he was such a great guy and totally beautiful! i was so physically attracted to him and thats how it all started. our relationship was so intense from the beginning, i felt like i was in a dream land when we were together, like a euphoria. The sex was like something ive never experinced before, we were so connected on every level, thats how he sucked me in and drained the life out of me. he was very mentally and verbaly abusive, he would say the worst things to me, that i had cellulite on my ass, my teeth are yellow, just anything to hurt me and lower my self esteem and iam in great shape, i workout five days a week. i would tell him, thank god i do have a lil self esteem bcuz if i didnt i wouldve killed myself by now! He would get mad and baracade me in the bathroom bcuz i didnt want to fight with him. hes cheated on me and promises hes changed and will never do it again, bullshit you do it once youll do it again. He called the police on me bcuz i threw a remote at him bcuz he had the nerve to bring up one of the girls he had sex with. He told me while he dialed 911 say goodbye to ur kids and proceeded to tell the dispatcher that he has been assulted, mind u he is a bodybuilder six foot 230 pounds and i assulted him? he would call me so many names, bitch was his favorite, and i got so used to it that it didnt even bug me anymore. I feel like my head is so f**ked up! I just need to get him outta my life for good, i saw him at the gym today and i havent contacted him since he left. It was very hard to stay strong but i did it, even after his im sorrys and his tears. i just cant fall for it anymore. It feels really good to share my feelings and i hope it inspires sumone else.
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 February 2008): I know how all of you feel. I just broke up with someone yesterday. He is currently in jail because he took my car against my wishes, hit another car, and got out and ran. He was drunk and is an alcoholic. Throughout our relationship he would always put me down and make me well aware of my flaws, while never looking at his own. He too showed up at my job and made a complete fool of me. He always had alcohol as a crutch and excuse. To make matters worse, he claims to never remember what he does when he is drunk. He always appologizes me afterwards and worships me. However, it got to the point where the bad outweighed the good. He has gotten physical with me before and because he is very strong I have always had a fear of him. I have gotten attached to his family- but I am now ready to let go of everything. I think I was in love with who he could be- not who is really is. Just like all of you he swept me off of my feet, but that was just a game. I am working hard to become an attorney and to allow a man to put me down the way he has makes me question myself. I think all of us need to see the pattern we get into. There are men who will not abuse us and if we can recognize our self worth perhaps we will never make this mistake again. It is hard to love so much, just to get hate in return. Whatever these men tell you- they are lying. This is not love. They will find someone else to prey on once you let them go. Be strong and have faith in yourself.
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 December 2007): Honey, I know exactly what you're going through. Believe it or not, I'm only thirteen years old, and I'm still striving to get over my abusive ex. No one really knows about the bad parts of our relationship, just my best friend and my cousin, but it gets harder and harder every day. I don't even like to leave my home because I am afraid of running into him.
You may think that I'm young and have no idea what I'm talking about, but I know what it's like to feel like you're choking and cannot breathe when you remember hitting the cold floor. I tremble in his presence and shake uncontrolably if he acknowledges me.
But it will get better if you have a breakup buddy. My cousin, Jake, and my best friend, Keshia, are my breakup buddies and they work wonders. When I have it rough, I have my breakup buddy by my side and everything's better.
Maybe you should get a breakup buddy of your own?
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 December 2007): Reading your letter was like reliving me life again on screen. I went out with my ex for 4 years and it was quite emotionally volatile. he was so possessive and couldn't allow me the space to spend any time with any of my mates or family, and even got upset when i went to work or uni. when i realised that i couldn't take the pressures anymore i left him and it was so hard. i still saw him occassionally, however, in between i realized again that it was not a healthy relationship and had to cut it off. As he continued to follow me and wait for me outside my place with flowers as if nothing had happened, i had to get a restraining order and it was so difficult. but now, nearly a year later, i still think about him more than ever, and wonder what would have been if i had stayed, but realize that it would have only got worse with the prospects or marriage and children with him. i don't know if i think that i can't do better than him or that we spent so much time intimately together, but just knowing that it was so bad that i had to walk away makes me realize that it really was as bad as i thought it was. Maybe there is noone else out there for me, but at least i'm free and get to be myself without pain afflicted from the one person who you beleive loves me. he just loved himself.
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 November 2007): As I was reading your story, the last question really stuck out to me is it love or obsession?? I think the fact that you were intimate with him and loved him and gave so much of yourself is why you don't want to see him with anyone else. I am in the proccess of trying to get over an abusive relationship myself, and I have to fight so hard to stop going to see him and wanting him to call me or just hear his voice, we live apart now and I have a restraining order. But with everything he has done I still remember the good times. That is what makes it hard to move on. While I was in the relationship I and being abused I didn't think straight or rationally. After it would happen I would say to myself "what can i do differently so he doesn't put his hands on me again", sounds nuts right? Anyway thinking how things were before they turned bad, kept with him willing to try and work it out, but things only got worse, and when I realized they were not going to get any better..I left him...the hardest thing that I have ever done. He claims he is getting counseling now, but I know I could never be with him again. Anyway I don't think it is obsession. It is just hard to let go. You can't stop or control what your heart feels, and if it hurts you to see him with someone else that is perfectly normal because of what you too have shared. However, you can control how you act on those feelings. Good luck to you
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 November 2007): just because you had to split with this sick ex off yours doesnt mean u didnt love him! thats what you are missing. and there is nothing wrong with that but im glad u remember why u split. he obviously hasnt changed he is still trying to control your encounters as the scene in the bar shows. as with all things time heals.so try focusing on the positive things in your life at present. well done for wising up and stay strong.
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 October 2007): Hi, I am a 33yr old woman with 2 children. One 9yr old boy to a previous non-abusive relationship and a 3yr old daughter to a man who i am presently finishing up with bcos of emotiotional and mental abuse & who ive been with off and on for about 6 yrs We met on a dating ph line. I got talking to one guy who i thought sounded really nice. I was over the moon! He was hesitant about meeting up with me but he did and the animal attraction was instant. (
I couldn't resist him and thought about him all the time.
He started coming over frequently and i blindly thought we were an item and there was no-one else in the picture on either side. I was wrong. He casually told me in bed one day about an incident with another woman. Natually we had an argument about it and i threw him out. I tried to forget about him but couldn't there was just too much of a connection. After 3 months of trying to forget him i contacted him again. I had moved house and thought that we could put it all behind us and move on.
He sounded keen on seeing me again but when i asked, he said he had been seeing someone else since the last time i saw him but they had finished. So we met up and again I had the same feelings as before. I thought nothing could match it and thought he would be thinking the same and surely there would be no room for anyone else. Surprise surprise! He was checking his messages from my ph one day and i asked if i could use the ph, he hadnt hung up properly & Instinctively suspicious i checked his messages and heard the voice of a female telling him she was free that night. I was dissapointed and talked it over with him. He said she was just a reply from the ph line & he didnt know her! I wanted to believe him. I was just desperate to get on with it and make him realise i was the one he wanted and he would soon learn thats what he wanted too.
The next thing i know he wasnt taking my calls. When i did call he was teling me he wanted to nip it in the bud and finish up! I just couldnt believe it and when he handed the ph to his friends i started asking why he wasnt talking to me. That was to be something he would use against me from then on. To him the fact that I was talking to his friends that one time, meant that i had got their ph number & had started sleeping with them! Nuts! (I had never met them!)
He arranged for one of his friends to start making bogus calls & started saying he got my number off the ph dating line.
I just went with it and wanted to talk to any man to help me forget what was happening in the hope that i would get over it all. Well he was bogus and gave me a fake address and that was that. I didnt care. I was just starry eyed about my abuser and it was all i could think about.
Time went on and i managed to pursuade my abuser to come and see me again. For a while things seemingly were ok and he was comming over often. I moved house again so my son could go to a good area to start school and to be closer to my abuser. Because it was in a more convienient location for him, he started to visit more often and basically started to live with me & my son. We started doing lots of things together like going to the pools and renting videos but something was always amiss. i could never really figure out what he was doing with his spare time. But he always kept me in the dark. He always used the fact that i had chatted up his friends as the reason i could never met them. so i was never invited out with him as i was flirtatious and not normal (as he would put it). He also used the fact that in my teens i dabbled in prostitution. I believed him and started to think of myself as someone who wasnt worthy of his glorious self because i was a slut. He asked me if i trusted my self and really started getting into my head. Things started getting all too much quite fast. I tried to better myself and got a job as a saleswoman he started calling me right in the middle of my sales pitch and asked what i was doing, when i had told him numberous times i couldnt take calls unless i was on lunch & i would call him. But if my ph was switched off he would start accusing me. He made it impossible & made me feel like i was out slutting around if i wasnt taking his calls. I felt doomed. Same thing when i was doing a computer course & he told me he doubted i was there as he reckoned i was just out having an affair! I started a job as a telemarketer as that was all i felt capable of doing but still wanted to get out amongst people to feel better about myself. I remember i was on my way to work one day on the motorway & not knowing where he was the night before rang him to see where he was. I ended up in tears wen he started telling me i was sleeping with his friends again and ended up taking the off ramp & went home an emotional wreck! I was constantly wondering where he was and with who. I had stopped concentrating on my son & the school he had just started attending. Then i found out i was pregnant. I was so happy i thought that once and for all this would make me the most important thing in his life and he would concentrate on me for a change. So i gleefully told him. This was something i knew he wasnt going to get out of for life! We had a child something that belonged to us both 4 ever! All i got was a hateful remark and 'who's is it?' Thats when i really went cold. That was a real gob smacker.
I thought he needed time to let it process so i backed off a bit and carried on with organising things for the baby. Knowing he would eventually come round. One day his brother & sister turned up and i felt like I could announce the happy news & start gettin things a bit more on a happier family note. But when they had left he asked me why i had told them & suggested that i was trying to tell his brother it was his!!! Sick. Omg.
Things wernt improving. I was getting really curious about his hatefulness and one day started snooping through his ph to see what he really did with his world. I shouldnt have been surprised to find not one but two girls messages on his mob ph.
Athough i was trying to create my family dream, I threw him out. I was trying to convince myself that I was ok and that he would be sorry if i ignored him again for awhile. But more punishment was to come.
After i was accused of throwing him out to pursue some aledged affairs (with all his friends!), he proceeded to tell me (when i asked) that he had seen another girl 3 x or so in the three weeks since i threw him out. His punishment tacktics.
This was a REAL blow. i howled my eyes out. This was my man! He was out sharing what i thought was our love with someone else! I was in mourning for days. i was a mess. I think my friends got sick of hearing about it. They could see that i was caught up in something that wasnt good. But there was little they could do. I just wasnt the same anymore. I wasnt happy or settled. I was totlally roped into this nightmare. And my son had begun to suffer. He wasnt doing well at school & through the truama of it all i had mentally seperated from him & couldnt put my energy into fixing things.(Selfish as that seems) I thought it would be a temporary blunder and we would get through.
Bacically at this stage i was moping around all day on edge, depressed and pregnant. Not knowing which way to turn. My mother called often but all i had was misery to talk about.
I couldnt go anywhere or do anything because everywhere i went & whoever i talked to,I was apparently having affairs! I felt i had to explain my moves during the day and validate them incase he somehow found out. I began to get a concience about the smallest things (eg: looking at anyone else) Once i was at the shopping mall and he told me he'd meet me in the car park. When i did he asked me who i was at the mall with. I told him i was with myself and he threw his beer in my face saying it was bullshit and that i was having an affair!!!! We had many arguements like this. Where i would just get out of the car after screaming at him i wasnt having any bloody affairs with his friends or anyone and start walking home. He would drive up next to me and tell me to get back in. I couldnt stand him but i was pregnant and eventually gave in & got in the car. He made me feel guilty for the slightlest things like whether or not i had caller id on my ph so that i would know when his friends were calling and said the message i left on my answerphone was slutty (sugessting i was leaving my contact details & mobile number as an invitation for affairs! Omg.
Well my pregnancy was progressing and one night i woke (by myself) to find i was feeling a bit odd. I was in labour. Great the time i was meant to be having my big day, i was all alone with my son in labour. I called my friend at 7am to tell her and lit up a cigerette. I called my mother who lived 6 hrs away, sent my son to school & continued with the pains. I managed to get in contact with him after much anxiety about trying to get someone to contact his friends to tell him i was in labour. He was pissed & didnt know what that meant. So the midwife had to explain i was having the baby. Duh!!! he arrived half way through & explained he was hardly in a state to drive there. When she was born he was acting all |
