A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:A few months ago I got engaged to the most wonderful man, we are very much in love (both 52) There was a black tie do at his workplace and I spent weeks preparing and made sure I looked as perfect as I possibly could, Im in pretty good condition for my age. When we got there he eyed up a young girl about 20, up and down his eyes went. The pain I felt was unbearable and it totally ruined my night. He just said to him it was like appreciating a nice car and all men do it. Well I know for a fact that although some do, not all do, especially when they have only just got engaged to the woman they adore. It hurt me so much and made me really depressed. He promised it would never happen again but I dont want him to conciously make an effort NOT TO, I want him to NOT WANT TO or NOT NEED TO. He is a very very jealous man himself and would go insane if I did this to him. I could but dont want to start playing silly games at our age. Another black tie event is coming up and I cant face going. I also feel angry that he has spoilt my enjoyment of these events by making me feel so threatened. I find it embarassing too, a man of his age ogling a little girl.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 February 2008): Don't put up with an ogler - it will ruin your self esteem!If men are aware of what they are doing then they have a concious choice to make as to whether they continue to do it. Make it clear to him how it makes you feel then if he still chooses to disrespect you -then you know what you have to do. I understand completely where you are coming from; a ruined night because he appeared to desire another women - and I bet you didn't feel very "hot" or "special" after he had done this. It's a form of temptation and the stupid thing is, men don't realise it causes women to withdraw from them and ultimately the relationship suffers. My bf does this and it got to the stage the other evening when I said "enough is enough" - I have asked you on several occasions to stop this and you continue to do it. You clearly have no respect for my feelings - and there are two of us in this relationship. The thought of me leaving brought him to his senses - he admitted that yes he looks and quite often thinks, "she's got a nice ____" or "she's attractive". He equally said that none of them compare to me but I said the bottom line was, I felt he had hurt me and I was starting to withdraw from the relationship - to the point when I now don't go anywhere with him. We've caught it in time and we are now putting damage limitation in place. It's his choice now; if he continues I will leave . He has a friend who had the most beautiful girlfriend, but he admitted to constantly rubber necking whilst he was with her - she was beautiful (what was that all about). She flew off the handle every time he did it and do you know what, he is now single and desperate for a girlfriend. He said to me he did it out of insecurity and it became a habit. One day he might learn!!!!
A
female
reader, hello1 +, writes (24 November 2007):
 You sound like a very shallow woman and don't seem to have taken anyone advice. Robot
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 November 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questioncalamity whatever, I wasnt slagging the woman off. I was only stating the truth, it wouldnt have mattered if she were drop dead gorgeous. Anyway I have made far too much of this, he cant even remember doing it. Just the once. I wish Id never mentioned it now. ps as for losing him, i would never ever worry about losing a man, i am not a desperate woman.It is more like the other way round, he is the jealous one. enough on this subject now.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 November 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI have in my time flyn, your right, but at our age, dont you think that men should be a bit more mature? anyway the poor thing has suffered enough, he cant do enough for me now. But judging by the many replies to my problem, this is obviously something that is a big problem between men and women. p.s. went out last night and I dressed to kill to show him how it feels when men look (which they did) he hated it, and I also told him that any young woman who sees a much older man eyeing her up thinks hes pathetic, he didnt realise that, and it bloody shocked him,. I dont think he will be doing it again somehow
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (23 November 2007): Give the guy a break will you.
It's not like he's sleeping with her.
Believe it or not a man can find another woman attractive without any intentions of actually doing anything.
I'm sure you've noticed some fine young studs in your time. There isn't anything wrong with enjoying the view.
Flynn 24
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 November 2007): men are pathetic...arnt they....like sad little dogs sniffing after anything the havent got.....listen love, dump him...find a man wth a taste for classy older ladies....not interested in girls who havent even lived.....tell him 'I undertsnd entirely that you finds that 'type ' appeaing but you rather a man who is ONLY interested in women who have experienced life...so please understanding me returnng you ring'....then get on with your life...who needs a sleazy man like that.....yuk
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A
female
reader, calamitysil +, writes (23 November 2007):
 "Thank you for your answer, I didn't want to have to say this, but even though she was a lot younger, I looked a whole lot better. My dress was fabulous, hers was like a charity shop item. She had youth thats all. I was better looking too, though that should'nt matter. She was hardly gods creation, even so, its made me feel he is cheating in his mind. I'm afraid I will have to do the same to him now to show him exactly how it feels."
I have to say for a 52 year old woman, you're not showing yourself in a very mature light either. Slagging the young woman off in the way that you have, a woman you don't even know, shows me that you're not a very nice person yourself. You sound bitter and vengeful and you clearly have issues with your self worth. If you don't work on your issues, you will end up losing this man. And resorting to game playing (at your age!) will only backfire.
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A
male
reader, Uncle_Phil +, writes (23 November 2007):
 At 50-odd they're a darned sight more appreciative, that's all! Instead of being insulted, you should have taken all the ogling heading in your direction as a compliment, which it undoubtedly was. There's nothing quite like appreciating the more mature female form in all its glory.
Phil
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 November 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you phil, I dont watch him like a hawk! Im nothing like that sort of woman. It really was a one off, I did notice men looking at me, and ones that did this blatantly in front of their wives disgust me to be honest, and the look I give them back I hope makes them ashamed of themselves. I know Ive made a big deal of this which is silly because he is not a terrible flirt or womaniser, it was the once. I will have to put it behind me. Thanks for all your answers. I think its our ages that make it so bad, I sort of expect it from young blokes, but at 50 odd they should know better.
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A
female
reader, calamitysil +, writes (23 November 2007):
Men are different from women (thank goodness!!)so we can't expect them to behave like we would in certain situations. Men are very visual creatures and trying to change that will only make you a very unhappy woman. You need to accept that you cannot change someone else's behaviour, only your own, or the way you see or do things. It's you he is with, not the 20 year old at the end of the day. If you need his reassurance, ask him for it ( he can't read your mind), explain his ogling makes you feel insecure, and maybe he could do it a little less obviously? Love is about compromising.
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A
male
reader, Uncle_Phil +, writes (23 November 2007):
I wouldn't mind betting that while you were firmly entrenched in watching him like a hawk, you failed to notice all the other men ogling you. If you're as tasty as you say you are, I would have been!
Phil
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A
female
reader, hello1 +, writes (23 November 2007):
Don't believe the it's in their genes argument and all men want to spread their seed, that was million of years ago and men can't use that argument anymore! how pathetic.Anyway on your b/f, all people look, I'm sorry but they do. If you saw a gorgeous naked man in front of you, you wouldn't look? all you can ask is he dosen't make it obvious and not have double standard, as he can look but you can't.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 November 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks tom, you are right that last post is ridiculous, there is no way on earth he would cheat, he is just totally in love with me, I have never known anything like this in my life, a man so in love, so this is why it hurts so much. As for him guarding me, yes he is like that and very jealous. He has had his share of relationships in the past, and says he has never felt like this about anyone or been so in love. It is definitelty a male thing, although I do know men who dont do this, ive watched them. Anyway he didn't dribble etc, ( I would not be with him now if that were the case) it was only one look, thats all, I suppose I am being stupid. He has spent months trying to make this up to me. I was over it until the mention of another event. That has brought it all back. p.s. if he did this all the time, i wouldnt be with him, it was only that once in 2 years. Im over reacting arent i.
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A
male
reader, TomWilkinson +, writes (23 November 2007):
 Just another quick thing, you mentioned in your follow up that you don't "NEED" to eye up other men. It's not that he needs to and it certainly doesn't mean he's looking for "something better" it's quite simply human nature, although after a discussion with my ladies at lunch, whom are all married women, it is probably more of a male thing. And ignore the poster below me, his answer is ridiculous!
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A
male
reader, Samutsen  +, writes (23 November 2007):
 You will never have him not wanting to look at other girls. You can only make him not to look at other girls. He is this way I understand and hard to change his behaviour.
But this does not mean he does not love you or like you. In all honesty, If he really adhored you found you extremely pretty, as a jealous man, he would be busy guarding you, watching whether you eye other men.
Having said all these, I am convinced he is a kind of person who would TRY to cheat on you while still wanting to be with you. The only way to ensure his humiliating behaviour (that is eyeing other girls with total disregard to your feelings or without fear from you) is for you to make him feel in secure i.e. you may also eye other men (and do when he does) and if he continues with this wrong disrespectful attitude you would simply not tolerate it. (But you would never make sure he does not cheat on you).
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 November 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi thanks for your answer, and I must be very odd because I honestly do only have eyes for my man. I think that at our age, we have been there, seen it and done it, had our fair share of relationships and know whats right and wrong, and meeting the love of your life (as we both say about each other) there would be no need to eye up anyone else. I saw a few men looking at me at the event, but I wouldn't give them a second glance, in my eyes, no man can match mine, and I want him to feel the same about me. I know he adores and loves me more than anything in the world, but this is something I am finding difficult to handle, Ive never suffered it before because in all truth, ive never been so much in love.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (23 November 2007): Don't worry about it. ALL guys look at girls. Even if they deny it, or you don't catch them. I don't mean to make us sound like cavemen, but it's an instinct. Throughout nature, the male will mate with as many females as possible in order to spread his seed and guarantee survival of his bloodline. Now we may be advanced compared to the animals and can restrain ourselves (sometimes), but the instinct is still there. We always look at pretty girls. As long as we don't act on it, it's alright. Even if we love our woman (as I do). I would never cheat, nor am I unhappy. But I still look. Don't stress it. Looking at what else is out there makes us appreciate what we come home to.
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A
female
reader, happytochat  + ♥, writes (23 November 2007):
I can totaly understand why you are upset.
I remember once when I was 16, having a friend who was a total romantic at heart. She would go on about how when she has her first real bf, she wants him to ONLY look at her and no one else. She said, that she thought true love means you only have eyes for your partner and that you do not see ANYONE else as attactive...if so, then its not true love. I remember thinking thats completely unrealistic and stupid. And I told her that...not to mention she got very upset with me. But then, when I first had a bf, I felt the same way, I wanted that...what she said was true love. But as much as I wanted that, I don't think anyone can achieve that. All it is, is a dream...because in reality, like many other posters said, it is only natrual to be attracted to other people.
So I guess what I'm trying to say here, is I know how you feel, to want that, everyone does...But do you honestly believe that what you are wanting is realistic and achieveable? I dont know of anyone who can say they arent attracted to other people when they have a partner.
However, I do think you have the right to ask your partner to not make it so obvious he is checking out other women. Thats disrespectful. There is no need to literaly look them up and down...So what I think you need to do hear is, come to the acceptance that your partner will see other women and think they are attractive, just as he thinks you are, and that you think other men are...but that doesnt mean you should accept any inappropiate behaviour.
Have you made the point to him about how he would feel if you did the same? Try to get him to understand where you are coming from, because it seems like he doesnt, he just keeps making up excuses such as 'all men do it'.
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A
male
reader, chlez83  +, writes (23 November 2007):
I also understand how you feel and didn't expect him to behave in such a way.But you have no need to feel threatened just because he was looking at a younger woman,as you should have put it.I sense there's an element of jealousy and insecurity which he has brushed onto you.Just because he looks at other women don't mean he plans on sleeping with them.Anyway,he's an adult and should learn to control himself.Tell him to stop doing that when you are together.But don't too overly possesive you'll certainly appear very vulnerable to him.As long as you love and respect him and you are sure he feels the same way,JUST TRY TO RELAX and don't make it a big issue.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 November 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYou are all right, I know this, but it does hurt, especially as he is so so jealous himself. Ok, examples, he has a serious problem with insecurity, I am forever having to bolster his ego all the time, telling him he is the best lover ever, you girls know what i mean. He has to be thought of as a 'real man' in every way and it is really exhausting constantly having to make him feel good about himself. watching that I dont say anything that will threaten his fragile male ego, I give in to this because he really is a fantastic man, so loving caring, everything I could wish for, but after all this making him feel like a god, he does that to me. Perhaps Ive gone overboard with the compliments and he thinks he is 20 himself. He cant bear the thought of anyone from my past and tortures himself with it. I have to constantly reassure, yet he goes and does this. This is such a great relationship I dont want to let anything spoil it, I just feel hurt. p.s. I have no reason to lie here, I love looking good for him, have been a model in the past myself and it is second nature to make an effort. But I promise you, I ony do it for him. Now I feel I cant be bothered.
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A
male
reader, eddie  + ♥, writes (23 November 2007):
 I think this has more to so with you than him. It sounds like you really wanted to make a great impression on him and his coworkers. You mentioned you spent a lot of time preparing for the event and it sounds like you wanted him to be proud of his future wife. I'm sure he was too. His noticing a pretty woman does not make you unattractive. My wife is drop dead beautiful. She's modeled etc and really stands out in a crowd. Guess what, I notice pretty women all the time. What does that have to do with her.....nothing.
It's also unfair to call the woman a young girl. Although I think the age difference is huge and too much, she's a woman, not a girl. Also ogling is a word that is meant to make someone sound like a pervert. Is this what you intend? It sounds like you're over sensitive about this.
All men look at women. All women look at men. Nobody can promise they'll never do it again. That is unrealistic. When the eyes see something attractive, the message go to the brain. The brain reads the message and the thought occurs. He doesn't have to look twice of turn his head in your presence but the desire or temptation will still be there. We are wired that way. It's what drives us to reproduce. What we teach ourselves is control in those situations. To think otherwise is only fooling yourself.
As far as the next event is concerned, you're the one who is spoiling it. You're trying to make him promise you something that he can't. What would yo like him to say...."OK dear. You're the only pretty lady in the world. I'll never look at another because after I met you, all the natural instincts I had that attracted me to you disappeared." ....... It's just not true.
What you need to get from him is reassurance that he loves, values and desires you. I'm sure he does. You need to figure out why this made you feel so threatened. Why are you powerless to this woman that he noticed? If he was over the top with it, that is disrespectful. If he just noticed her, leave it a lone.
If he is jealous as you say, you need to fix that. You didn't give any examples of his jealousy and I'd be interested to hear some. Why do you put up with jealousy?
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A
male
reader, eddie + ♥, writes (23 November 2007):
I think this has more to so with you than him. It sounds like you really wanted to make a great impression on him and his coworkers. You mentioned you spent a lot of time preparing for the event and it sounds like you wanted him to be proud of his future wife. I'm sure he was too. His noticing a pretty woman does not make you unattractive. My wife is drop dead beautiful. She's modeled etc and really stands out in a crowd. Guess what, I notice pretty women all the time. What does that have to do with her.....nothing.
It's also unfair to call the woman a young girl. Although I think the age difference is huge and too much, she's a woman, not a girl. Also ogling is a word that is meant to make someone sound like a pervert. Is this what you intend? It sounds like you're over sensitive about this.
All men look at women. All women look at men. Nobody can promise they'll never do it again. That is unrealistic. When the eyes see something attractive, the message go to the brain. The brain reads the message and the thought occurs. He doesn't have to look twice of turn his head in your presence but the desire or temptation will still be there. We are wired that way. It's what drives us to reproduce. What we teach ourselves is control in those situations. To think otherwise is only fooling yourself.
As far as the next event is concerned, you're the one who is spoiling it. You're trying to make him promise you something that he can't. What would yo like him to say...."OK dear. You're the only pretty lady in the world. I'll never look at another because after I met you, all the natural instincts I had that attracted me to you disappeared." ....... It's just not true.
What you need to get from him is reassurance that he loves, values and desires you. I'm sure he does. You need to figure out why this made you feel so threatened. Why are you powerless to this woman that he noticed? If he was over the top with it, that is disrespectful. If he just noticed her, leave it a lone.
If he is jealous as you say, you need to fix that. You didn't give any examples of his jealousy and I'd be interested to hear some. Why do you put up with jealousy?
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (23 November 2007): Guys stare but he really doesnt have to make it that obvious.
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A
female
reader, TELLULAH + ♥, writes (23 November 2007):
 Hi,
Although I understand how you feel. I am affraid he is right, most men do this. They may not admit it but, they certainly do it.
You have to look at it another way, or it will rip your heart out and ruin your relationship. Ask yourself honestly, what would a girl of 20 want with your man anyway. The answer is!! she wouldnt want him. You are behaving like the most of us ladies do, and that is to get jelous. Maybe you passing a glance at another man, may let him realise how much this hurts. Ok so its playing games, but being in love is a gamble. Sometimes you have to take drastic actions to make guys sit up and listen.
You wont stop him doing it though. He will just hide the fact he does it.
If I were you I would go to your event, and have a great time. Dont let his silly actions spoil your fun. And be reasured he is a typical man on an ego trip.
It doesnt mean he doesn't love you. He's just a man.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (23 November 2007): There's nothing wrong with his eyeing a pretty young woman. That just makes him human.
He shouldn't be rude about it though. He should be doing it in a relatively tasteful way.
And if he blows up when you look at or talk about the attractiveness of another man, then he's not being fair at all.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 November 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for your answer, I didn't want to have to say this, but even though she was a lot younger, I looked a whole lot better. My dress was fabulous, hers was like a charity shop item. She had youth thats all. I was better looking too, though that should'nt matter. She was hardly gods creation, even so, its made me feel he is cheating in his mind. I'm afraid I will have to do the same to him now to show him exactly how it feels. we have talked about it non stop, he says it will never happen again, but that is not the point, if its in him to do it, then its like me stopping him and having to watch him. Im going to give him the biggest taste of his own medicine possible. Only answer.
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A
female
reader, angelblueeyes +, writes (23 November 2007):
 Hi,
The only way to deal with this is to tell him you dont like It when he stares and dribbles all over young girls say it makes you feel like you are not good enough or the other option Is you could just whack him one and say stop embarrasing yourself your old enough to be her grandad!
My husband wouldn't dream of staring at a younger woman as i'd brain him but he does believe that women are like a fine wine and the get better with age!!
Good luck
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A
male
reader, TomWilkinson +, writes (23 November 2007):
I can see his point though, there's not harm in admiring god's creations! It obviously upset you though, so let him know how it made you feel and ask him to refrain from doing so when in your company. In his defence, it's human nature to do so, I'm sure you've admired someone's body without intent to do anything further, or even thought "they're good looking / handsome" which is exactly the same.
He is with you for a reason and the fact that he did this with you present is actually a good thing, it shows he was comfortable doing so. If he was sly about it or denied it over and over, that would be cause for concern!
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