A
male
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:Hey, a little back story first:I recently began going to college. During the first few weeks I met this girl that I instantly clicked with. We began hanging out and making out and what not but never anything more because I am a virgin and want to wait to do more until we were more serious. She and I went on like this for a few more weeks during which I found out the weekend after I met her she had broken up with this guy she was hooking up before me and she was trying to sort her feelings out with this guy.So cut to a few weeks ago, she and this guy are still fighting about whatever and she says that we should take a break from what we have until she figures it out. So I deal with it and try my best to let things work themselves out. Then this week, which is spring break, she says that she finally was fully done with that guy. So I figure this means we can go back to what we had, and so we make plans to hangout during spring break. When I get there she keeps talking about her friend that had spent the night the monday before I come over and she keeps complaining about bruises she has.Well long story short I find a condom wrapper and she had sex with this guy. I asked her about it and she didn't hide that she did it. Obviously I was upset, but she keeps trying to justify her actions because she "didn't know it would hurt me so much" and yada yada. So now I'm sitting here hurt and confused because I still like her a lot but she just fucked some guy.She keeps saying she still likes me and wouldn't have done it if she knew I would care. But I can't get past the fact that she did it. And now I feel like i'll never want to lose my virginity to her because I'll keep thinking about this other guy. So what I'm asking here is what should I do? I don't think I have it in me to just move on and ignore it, so i guess I should just end things with her. I really need some advice.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (25 March 2015): She might be genuinely sorry now but it doesn't mean you should roll with this.
She doesn't have the sense to realize how much this would hurt you without having to be told. That suggests some combination of not understanding how her actions affect others and/or not really caring enough at the time she is doing them.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (25 March 2015):
I have an update after talking to her:
She says that she feels terrible about it and that is it a very dark time for her. She says she hopes I can forgive her and that she would forgive me, but she doesn't want me to abandon her.
Is this talk all a bunch of manipulative rubbish? It seemed genuine to me, but I am a a bit of a soft hearted person.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 March 2015): This girl is not the one to lose your virginity to. There's nothing wrong with her having had other partners, but she doesn't care about you the way you care about her.
'she keeps talking about her friend that had spent the night the monday before I come over and she keeps complaining about bruises she has.Well long story short I find a condom wrapper and she had sex with this guy.'
She lacks basic respect for you, let alone genuine feelings for you.
How rude to talk about the other guy and the bruises she has and not throw away the condom. Just ewww. Tacky, tacky, tacky. That's not how you treat someone you care about.
You've had a lucky escape.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (21 March 2015):
 I think you and her have very different view on dating and relationship.
I'm a little surprised that she was surprised that you got your feelings hurt over this. That to me seems like she isn't QUITE owning her actions or that she thinks what she did is totally OK (for her - in her mindset).
I'd let this one go. Find someone you share more with as far as values and morals.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (21 March 2015):
 I also agree you should let her go because you two have different mindsets. Nowadays many girls look at boys who wait for sex as non-sexual entities and therefore friendzone them. Unless she is the conservative type, guys like you don't catch her attention much. You paid your whole attention to her while she was getting over an ex lover and probably hooked up with another to have rebound sex. The reason why she didn't know it hurt you that much is because her mind is more scattered than you so she thinks if she could get over an ex that quickly what problem do you have, especially you'd never had a relationship before and broken up? She assumed guys who are really interested in her would grab her fast and she mistook your slowness and carefulness as a lower level of interest. She is surprised at your reaction because guys like you are becoming rare now. I know there are people who still want to take it slow but the reputation of college is where people have free sex with whomever they want so if you want to look for a girl with similar values to you, you have to go to a Christian group on campus. There is too much competition in school.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (21 March 2015): What she did was not technically wrong. But if she had any intent of building anything with you then it displays an amazingly bad understanding of sex & relationships. And not only an issue of understanding, but a failure to even consider the implications of what she did on you. That is deeper than a communication problem.
You are better off steering clear of her. A good relationship partner does not only consider your feelings when the rules of commitment technically require her to. A good partner has the concern & sense to do it just because she cares about you & thinks about how her actions affect you.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (21 March 2015): This girl is not for you because she clearly told you that she does not see how having sex with people can hurt someone whom she wants to have a relationship. I'm not judging whether that's normal or not but the fact that she does not have an ability to comprehend how non-relationship sex can screw up a relationship can mean bunch of different things which all add up that she is not for you. It could be that she comes from a culture where random sex is just another activity like playing tennis, or she may think that sex and relationship are separate activities or she maybe sociopathically unable to see how random sex can mess up a relationship but all of these possible reasons should not concern you because down the line she will do this again given amount of drama that keeps following her. So if you are looking for a sensitive, steady and faithful girl... well, this one is not it and as much as you may not want to, you may have to move on because besides sex nothing else you get from her will make you feel content.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (21 March 2015):
 In some circles it seems sex is viewed as just another activity to be shared between people, and, based on the fact this girl was quite open about being bruised and having sex might be somebody who DID view it that way. She does appear to be sad that her actions have hurt you. Big plus in her favour, especially when there was only a mutual liking between you two and at that stage there hadn't been the possibility of a relationship or romance between the two of you.
Just as a side note, she did have a boyfriend prior to her hooking up with the friend on Monday, she possible had sex with her boyfriend, I am assuming that is okay because you weren't "talking (negotiating for a relationship?) at that stage.
My own personal view is that there is a BIG difference between making love and having sex ......
However, if you are certain that you wont be able to accept the fact she had sex with somebody other than her boyfriend, or you, on Monday night, you need to do yourself, and her, a favour and move right along.
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